A/N:
Any bold lines will represent Jay writing in his journal and any italicized lines will represent a flashback of past events.
..........
I took a deep breath, laying in the darkness of the familiar room and staring at the glowing screen in front of me. There was a message on my phone, words compiled into a sentence that was supposed to make sense when read in that order, but they didn't. Not the first few times I tried to read them at least.
It was February, a little over two months since Ryan had left, and here was a message from him. Today wasn't just any other day, though...it was my birthday. The fresh tattoo on my wrist was proof enough that things had changed since the last time we saw each other, hell, since the last time we even spoke. My eyes drifted back to the beginning of the message and I took a deep breath before starting it again.
"I need to talk to you as soon as possible, I have some great news for you! And happy birthday Blue Jay. I love you <3"
I just stared at those same words, completely dumbfounded. Why was he saying these things? Why was he saying anything at all? I wanted to scream and beat my head against the wall; however, I was at Victoria's house and if I woke her mother up they'd both kill me.
"Ryan...why?" I whispered into the darkness, a tear sliding down my cheek. Everything had finally been getting better, I had said goodbye to almost every part of my life with him, but he wouldn't disappear like he said he was going to. It was honestly like he was emotionally terrorizing me. I mean, even Derek had left me, about a month ago, and I was now back to square one.
My mind absently drifted back to the memory of Derek's departure, the last time I would ever see my-I mean Ryan's...friend.
....
My friends and I had gone to lunch and were about to head back to one of their houses to hang out for a little while when I got a phone call. Derek's name popped up for the first time in what seemed like an eternity and a bad feeling settled in my stomach.
I pulled out of the parking lot with the phone pressed to my ear and huffed out a greeting. I knew this wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation, so there was no point in trying to pretend were still as close as we once were.
"I need you to come meet me at the edge of town." His voice hadn't changed a bit, but perhaps he sounded a bit more tired than before.
"That doesn't sound sketchy at all," I tried to lighten the mood with a little bit of sarcasm. Key word being tried.
"Look, I've gotta get back home soon so could you just come on?" That bad feeling I had before? Yeah, it just turned into a sack of bricks knocking me upside the head.
"Okay." I hung up before he said anything else. He had only been to my home town once and only knew of one place to meet up, so I didn't need him to say anything else in his unpleasant tone.
I saw him standing outside of his car with a box in his hands when I pulled up. Without a word, he walked over to my car, set the box on my hood, and began to get back into his own. What was this, a drug deal? But before I was halfway to his car, Derek was already speeding away. Not a single word.
I looked down into the box on my hood and found several of my things that I had forgotten at the apartment, along with my "open when" letters. There was a note inside the box as well, scribbled in hand writing that can only be described as flawless. It was Derek's alright.
"I don't think it's a good idea to leave these letters for him, especially since you are both trying to move on. However, I am going to miss you, Jay. When I graduate this spring, my fiancé and I are moving up North, so the chances of our paths ever crossing again are slim, but maybe one day we will meet again. This is goodbye for me, though. One day we'll all look back and smile. -Derek"
......
I stared at my phone screen, wondering what I was to do now? My head was screaming for me to not give in to the temptation of Ryan again, trying to force the awful memories of pain and unfaithfulness into my head. At the same time, my heart was throbbing at the mere idea of returning to what we once were.
"Ryan...why?" It was the only thing I could actually force myself to type.
"Jay, I know we've been through a lot, and I know I've hurt you too many times before, but I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."
"Stop."
"My parents called me two weeks ago to discuss...us..and they have come to terms with the fact that I'm gay! They said that you seemed like a nice young man and that they couldn't wait to get to know you!" My heart was pounding in my chest, forcing shaky breaths to escape my mouth as I read the message.
"Ryan...I...we need to talk..." I got off the couch I was laying on and stepped outside onto the front porch. My finger dialed the number that was forever engraved in my mind and I started to count the rings.
"Hello?" His voice...it was really his husky, tired, excited, adorable voice.
"Hey." I tried to make my tone as light and happy as possible, but it didn't work on Ryan...it never did.
"Jay, please don't." I could hear the sadness edging into his voice, he knew what was coming. He had to.
"Ryan, I loved you. I did. I still do, actually. You're all I think about all the time. I think about what you're doing, what country you're in right now, if you bothered to learn any new languages, if you like the food you're eating, how drunk you're getting at night, whether your sister knows how to handle your hangovers, I think about all of that stuff every single day...but I can't keep doing this..." My voice was slowly making its way to cracking as I tried to hold it all together.
"No, shh, Jay don't cry. Please don't cry. Please. I know things have been rough and that nothing ever seems to be in our favor, but I think we're out of the tough spots, I think we're finally going to get our happily ever after if we-"
"If we what, Ryan? If I put my life on hold for another four months? Ryan, I'm the only one whose had to go through the tough spots in this relationship, do you understand that? You cheated with me, you cheated on me, you came back, you left me without even telling me why, and now you're back again and I'm supposed to believe that this time is for real?"
He didn't say anything as I let out all of the things I'd been thinking since he left.
"You have literally destroyed me, Ryan...but the sad thing is that I don't even care. I want to tell you that everything is going to be okay. I want to call you every day from now until June and believe that you won't sleep with a random guy you pick up at the bar. I want you. You're all I've ever wanted...but I can't keep waiting on you."
"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...for everything I've done and all the mistakes I've made, I know I've screwed up and that I'm all out of second chances, but no one has ever fought for me as hard as you have, or believed in me as much. That's what makes you so special Jay...you don't give up on people."
I'm not quite sure when, but at some point tears had started falling down my face, reminding me that no matter how easy I thought this conversation might be, it wasn't.
"I will always love you Ryan, but our moment is over and it's time to let it go."
"I don't want to let you go, Jay. I've never wanted to let you go, I had to because-"
"It's okay, Ryan. One day, you'll find someone who makes you feel so much more special than I do. You'll live a happy life...one without me." The phone disconnected.
.....
THE END.