A/N episode 5 is "stand still like the
hummingbird"
word count: 3788 words
Eleanor was in pain. Fez was in pain. I was in pain. Everything was really fucking painful. Sometimes things work themselves out, sometimes the pain goes away. Sometimes it doesn't.
There are a million cliche things I could say about trust. I could rant on and on about how fucking hard it is to rebuild. But it doesn't really matter how I explain it, because no matter what, it's something that I no longer believe in.
The people who I thought I could fucking trust with my life showed me that, in an instant, they could change. So fuck that. Fuck trying to get better, fuck rehab, fuck everyone.
And my mom? She fucking ruined my life. But she couldn't have done it without out Jules and Elliot, the people who I fucking loved. And that's pretty fucking awful.
"Even if you ain't wanna tell me, I know somethings up wit' you, Elle. I'm fuckin' worried about you. Just- fucking' call me, Eleanor."
Fezco's voice was laced with sadness, even over the phone as Eleanor listened to the third message he had left for her. She almost wanted to laugh- it was all too similar to when she was lying in the exact spot on the floor, listening to Nate's voicemails and bawling her eyes out.
And it was basically the same thing, except no tears left Eleanor's eyes. She felt- numb. Empty. The hurt that used to be reigned in had been set free, taking over Eleanor. Controlling her, using her body as a vessel for it's own sick pleasure.
She refused to cut on her wrists- she had learned her lesson before, having to explain them away with cat scratches and tree branches. But her thighs were a maze of angry red lines, some so deep they still bled, and some that just barely grazed the surface. Regardless of how deep or how many, they were still her escape, her breath of fresh air from the numbness.
But it started to hurt less, started to feel the same as everything else. So it became a routine, go deeper, feel more pain. Feel more of anything.
Sometimes, though, she couldn't stop herself. It was like something else was moving her hand, like even if she wanted to she couldn't stop.
Those moments scared her the most, more than the numb feeling that was always there. Because what if she really couldn't stop? What if she didn't stop until she was just an empty husk of a person? What if she went too deep?
And what scared her even more was the thoughts that crept up and whispered, "Would that really be so bad?"
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"Eleanor. Open the door," Ethan called from out in the hall, startling Eleanor out of her almost-coma; she was sprawled out on her bedroom floor, watching The Babadook for the fourth time since Fezco had left her bedroom and thinking about what they had been doing it the first time he watched it. Trying to shut up the voice in her head.
"What?" Eleanor asked, sitting up and drawing her legs under herself. "You've been so- off lately. I'm your goddamn twin, Eleanor," Ethan said. "It's unlocked," she mumbled, and he opened the door. Eleanor expected to see pity, or sadness in his eyes.
But he wasn't looking at her with that. His eyes were full of anger.
"You can't keep doing this to yourself." Ethan's voice was upset. He stood by her door, looking down at her with a serious expression on his face, and Eleanor just looked back up, unmoved.
"Doing what," she muttered, face stoic. "I'm not stupid. I know what you act like when it gets bad. But what the hell happened? You were doing better," he sighed, taking a seat at her vanity as she stared at him blankly.
"I'm confused. What made you come give me a lecture at 11pm?" she asked, voice still devoid of emotion. "Eleanor. Show me your thighs, for Christs sake," Ethan pleaded, pinching the bridge of his nose, the telltale sign that he was upset.
"No thanks," Eleanor replied, and the first feeling that wasn't emptiness in so long began to bubble up inside of her: anger. "I've known you literally our entire lives. You can't just "no thanks" your way out of this. Either you show me, and I'm just really stupid, or you don't and it just confirms everything."
"Jesus, Ethan, just leave me alone. I'm fine," Eleanor groaned, running her fingers through her hair. The familiar habit felt wrong, though, because the mess that was her hair hadn't had a brush through it since Fezco had left her.
When Eleanor thought about it, she realized that everything was leading back to Fez. Everything.
"I'll tell Mom," Ethan said finally, after pausing, and the threat was obvious in his voice. "No you won't," Eleanor replied, but- would he? "I will, Eleanor. You're messed up. It sounds wrong, but you do need help," Ethan sighed, and sat forward in his chair, clenching his hands together.
"Don't tell Mom," Eleanor whispered, and despite how angry it made the hurt inside her, her voice broke. "Then tell me what the actual hell is happening," Ethan replied, his voice still upset but eyes less harsh.
Something inside Eleanor snapped. Something that had been building up, for who knows how long. Something that was just waiting for help- for someone to help. Even if that someone was her brother, who Eleanor hadn't been close to since kindergarten.
And so, even though the hurt was telling her to shut the fuck up, she did.
✧✧✧
"Talk to him, Eleanor," Ethan sighed, shaking his head at his sister for what felt like the hundredth time during their conversation. They had been talking for an hour, Eleanor letting the emotions that had been stuffed into the bottom of her chest out, as she switched between tears and frantic laughter.
"I can't," she sniffled, resting her head on her knees. "I don't want him to see me like this," she paused, gesturing at her disheveled appearance and thighs. "And I already completely ruined everything." Ethan sighed again, partly wanting to engulf her in a hug and partly wanting to shake her until she realized that she wasn't just hurting herself; she was hurting everyone.
"He came to the house, just to see you. And I know that you've been ignoring his calls. Just call him back," Ethan said, as he leaned back in the pink vanity chair that he had been occupying. for the past hour.
"What am I even supposed to say to him? 'Hey, Fez. Sorry I told you to leave after you literally told me you loved me, truth is I'm just really fucked up and can't deal with anything ever.' That would go over great," she groaned, blowing her nose and discarding the tissue into the huge pile beside her.
"Based on how distressed he looked when I was at the store on Friday, he'd be glad to hear you're alive," Ethan replied. Eleanor looked up at him, and her eyes were full of a mixture of disbelief, and what might have been hope.
"I always mess things up," she said, looking back down, the hope gone. "How did you and Kat become so stupidly perfect," Eleanor sighed, emphasizing Kat's name sarcastically as she thought of all the cute little dates Ethan had taken the girl on.
"Kat- I dont know. She's kinda been off lately, but if I'm being honest, I think she's one of the best things that's happened to me in a while."
Ethan hadn't really expected to start pouring out his emotions to his sister, but it was like he could stop talking.
"She's just really amazing. I mean, she's so effortlessly beautiful, like a painting or something. And she's so funny," he said, smiling to himself, and Eleanor pretended to gag. "Ew. You're in the honeymoon phase," she groaned. "Shut up, Eleanor. It's not like you don't look starry-eyed whenever someone brings up Fezco."
Eleanor glared at Ethan, before breaking into a soft smile. It felt good to be joking around with Ethan, acting like nothing had happened. "Thank you," she whispered, and Ethan frowned at her. "For what?" he asked.
"For all of this. Helping me, even though you didn't have to. Just listening to me," she shrugged, suddenly embarrassed. "I only did it so I wouldn't have to go to your funeral. Churches with dead people in them scare me," he joked, and Eleanor glared at him again.
"Shut up. But actually, thank you. For everything."
And instead of just thinking about it, Ethan gave her the first hug they had shared since they were six and Ethan was crying about his broken dinosaur toy that the family dog had chewed up. He held her, reminding her that maybe, things weren't so bad after all.
✧✧✧
Eleanor still hadn't called Fezco back. But she had thrown out the razor blade, showered, and cleaned out the depression cave that was her room. It involved finding multiple piles of unwashed clothes, a concerning clump of hair, and a half eaten slice of pizza, which was particularly concerning as she hadn't had pizza in over two months.
She was feeling better though, not just because of the cleaning spree she went on but because of a new sort-of coping mechanism that she had developed; writing down every single thought that came into her brain, good or bad. It was working too, because every time she had an unhealthy urge or just a negative idea, she would write it down. And that would distract her.
But what it couldn't distract her from was Fezco. She had built up this imaginary wall in her head, making it harder and harder to just call him and apologize. Almost half of her entries in the journal she had been writing in were about him, whether it was what do to about it, or just something she liked about him. (Like the way he smelled, the way his hand felt in hers, the way his lips felt, etc.)
Fezco spent most of his day switching between texting, calling, and worrying about Eleanor. Her brother had come in during one of his shifts, but for the first time in a long time, Fez hadn't known what to say. He wanted to say something, ask about Eleanor. He just kept quiet, anxiously hoping that Ethan would say something about her.
But he didn't, so Fez was left in the dark. He called at least once a day, and texted her with his best grammar and spelling, trying to get her to respond. To at least fucking confirm she was alive.
Ashtray was noticing how distraught Fezco was too. He wasn't sleeping well, up until four in the morning most nights just pacing. (And keeping Ashtray awake) So he came up with the best idea that his 14 year old brain could create: go to her house himself, and make her call Fezco back.
It was flawless, and so, recklessly, he did.
Eleanor was sitting in the family room, reading It Ends With Us and trying not to cry as she neared the end, when someone knocked on the door. She sighed as she got up, setting her book down on the chair and walking towards the front door.
When she opened it, she was greeted by a stern looking Ashtray, arms crossed and a glare on his face. Despite his rain soaked hair, he still somehow looked intimidating. "Ash?" Eleanor asked, mouth hanging open. She hadn't seen him in a month, and it was weird going from seeing him every other day to no contact at all. "Fez is going fucking psycho. He been calling you and shit, why aint you answering?" he interrogated, stepping closer to Eleanor as she took a step back.
"Jesus, Ash. A lot has been going on," she sighed, somehow intimidated even though she was three inches taller that him, the height from the front step adding to her 5'3 height. "You fucking someone else?" Ashtray asked, raising an intimidating eyebrow.
"What? No, just- stuff. I was going to call him, I just-" Ashtray cut her off by taking another step towards her. "Call him. Or go fuckin' see him, before he fuckin' loses it," Ash demanded as Eleanor shook her head at him.
"It's only been, like, a week and a half. And I did something not great to him, so I don't think that me calling will suddenly fix that," she replied, crossing her own arms over her chest, copying his pose.
"Are you fuckin' stupid? He's fucking in love wit' you. The only thing he fuckin' wants is to talk to you," Ashtray said, glaring at her again. "I'm not leaving 'till you pick up that motherfucking phone and call him."
Eleanor looked at him incredulously, before realizing he was serious. "I'm not going to call him right now, in front of you," she said firmly. Ashtray huffed, rolling his eyes at her. "And I'm not leaving."
"I'll call him, Jesus. But not with you here, Ash. I have- a lot of things to say, that I don't really want you here for," she sighed, her eyes pleading. Ashtray thought about pushing harder, but Eleanor looked like she was about to cry. And if there was one thing Ash hated, it was people crying. Emotions.
"If I go home and you aint called him, I'm fuckin' coming back and making you do it. In front of me," he ordered, looking at her like he was challenging her to argue.
"Okay, Ash," she said finally, letting out a sigh. Before Ashtray could walk away, she pulled him into a hug as he protested. "Ew, what the fuck, bruh?" he groaned into her grey hoodie, but she just smiled. She squeezed him one last time before releasing him, knowing that if he hadn't come over, she probably would have stayed rotting in her room for the rest of her life.
"Love you, Ash!" she called after him, as he walked away from the door. His response was a middle finger, but once he had turned away from her, there was a slight smile on his face.
✧✧✧
Eleanor's phone was full of texts from her friends, freaking out about her lack of communication with them. So Eleanor convinced herself that before she called Fez, she had to answer them.
But it definitely wasn't procrastination. Definitely.
Eleanor let out a shallow breath, clutching her pink phone case as she finally pressed call. She had been hovering over his profile on her phone for ten minutes, looking at his picture and trying to work up the nerve to call him.
He picked up on the second ring.
"Elle?" his voice was cautious, like he wasn't sure whether or not it was her. "Hey," she whispered, and she could hear his breath speed up over the phone. "Where the fuck did you go, Elle? You can't fuckin'-" Fezco's voice caught in his throat. "You can't fuckin' disappear like that."
Eleanor felt a tear slip down her cheek. She had done this to him, all because of her own selfishness. "I'm so, so sorry. I have, um, a lot I need to say. But I'm so fucking sorry I can't even explain it," she said, forcing herself to breathe.
"Don't be sorry, Elle. I'm just fuckin' worried about you," Fez sighed. "Can I come over?" Eleanor asked quietly, surprising herself. She hadn't planned on facing him that quickly. "'Course you can."
"I'll be there in ten," she said. "Aight, Elle. I'll be waiting."
✧✧✧
For the second time, Eleanor was standing, dripping wet from the rain outside of Fezco's door. She was alone this time, and the excited energy from running through the rain with Rue wasn't there, replaced by a frantic nervousness.
She debated turning around, running back home and taking a warm shower. Ignoring all of her problems, the way she loved to do.
But the door opened, and so she was forced to come face to face with Fezco. "Hi," she whispered, looking up at him through her lashes as he shook his head.
Before she could say something else, apologize again, Fezco pulled her into a hug. Eleanor inhaled his familiar scent, reveling in the sheer warmth that radiated off of him.
And then she began to cry.
He pulled away, looking her in the eyes. "I fuckin' missed you, Elle," he paused, looking at her wet hoodie. "You're fuckin' soaked. You walk here?" Eleanor nodded, swiping desperately at the tears under her eyes.
"C'mon. I'll get you some shit to wear, then we can talk," he said, before guiding the blonde girl inside. The house looked the same, the faded couch and chair facing the old television that always sat in the corner. It was weirdly comforting, like it was the one thing that hadn't changed.
"Aight, Elle. You stay here, I'll go get you somethin'," Fez told her, kissing her gently on the forehead before exiting the room, leaving Eleanor alone wither thoughts. She took a seat on the couch, resting her legs underneath herself and attempting to disappear into the cushions.
Fezco reappeared a moment later, holding one of his shirts and a pair of pajama pants that probably belonged to Faye, judging by the bold letters reading 'SLUT' on the back of them.
Fez grimaced at the pants as he handed them to her. "Sorry, my shit's too big for you," he said, and Eleanor just shrugged. "It's okay."
She quickly switched her shirt out, discarding the wet one in a neat pile on the floor, before pausing at her pants. Eleanor knew she would have to tell him, sooner or later, but she hadn't wanted him to see them, while the cuts were still relatively fresh.
Drawing a breath in, she pulled her pants off, intending to quickly change into the pink pajamas Fez had brought. But she made the mistake of looking up at him, and the shock in his eyes almost froze her to the spot.
"Jesus Christ, Elle," he breathed, looking down at the spiderweb of cuts on her upper and lower thighs. "Yeah," she murmured, moving to pull Faye's bottoms on, before Fezco's hand stopped her.
"What the fuck happened, Elle?" he asked, taking a seat beside her on the couch. "I don't really even know," she sniffled, half crying, half laughing. "I've kinda always been like this, just- not as bad."
Fez looked at her, his face sadder than Eleanor had ever seen. "Ion know- how didn't I notice, Elle? You ain't that good of an actor. Fuck, I saw fuckin' all of you, and I still didn't notice," he said, his voice raw with emotion.
"It was dark," she whispered, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. "But you been hurtin', and I didn't even fuckin' know. You been going through shit alone," he sighed, reaching out a finger towards her thigh, but stopping.
"You can touch them," Eleanor said, answering the question that he had asked, just with his body language. He gently traced her thighs, outlining each of the cuts individually, pausing on each one.
"I'm so fuckin' sorry Eleanor," he murmured, placing a kiss on each of her thighs before sitting up to face her.
"You don't need to be sorry, Fez. I'm sorry for pushing you away, even after everything you did for me," she said, finally putting on the pajamas that had been discarded.
"I k- kinda owe you an explanation," she said, stumbling over her words as a fresh wave of emotion overtook her. "You aint owe me anything," Fez replied firmly, as he moved to the couch next to her.
"Yeah, I do. So, um, here goes?" she said, smiling half heartedly at him. And before he could object, she began.
"When I was around fourteen, or something like that, I was kinda messed up. Not, like, crazy or anything but just- other mental stuff. Like, I would hit my head with my hairbrush if it didn't look right, or if I got upset I would dig my nails into my palms until they bled."
"And I had a therapist for a few months, but I was really good at lying apparently. Or he was a really bad therapist. So he told my mom that I was fine. Just normal, teenager stuff."
"And ever since, I kind of just got a lot better at hiding it. Except apparently Ethan has, like, a radar for it. A twin thing, I guess," Eleanor paused, smiling at Fez again, who was just quietly listening.
"Things were bad before- I guess, before you. And then I got more drunk then I meant to at Maddy's party, and kinda without realizing it I relapsed. And things went downhill, and thats why I made you leave, which is a totally awful thing to do and I feel horrible about it."
"But I'm still not, like, 'fixed', if I ever can be. I got rid of my, um, blade, and I think that I might try and find someone to talk to. I don't really want to have my parents involved, though."
"Since I'm older than fifteen, I'm pretty sure I don't need them to consent, or even know about it. I guess I could have 'gotten help' sooner, but I never really realized how bad it was until this last time."
"So, uh, yeah," she finished, throwing her hands up in mock excitement. Another tear that she hadn't noticed forming slipped down her cheek, and this time Fez wiped it away for her.
"I ain't really good wit emotions and shit, but- I love you, Elle, an' I want you to get better. Not just for me, for fuckin' yourself. Cause ion want you to feel all this shit and not know how to fuckin' deal with it," Fezco sighed, pulling Eleanor closer to him.
She rested her head on his shoulder, feeling him place yet another soft kiss onto her wet hair. "Thank you," she whispered, grabbing hold of his free hand.
"I love you too. I've been falling in love with you since you picked me up from that motel room without asking any questions," Eleanor smiled wistfully, because it was true.
And she was pretty sure that she might just love him forever.
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A/N sorry for how long this one was! had to do 2 parts cuz i didn't include a rly important thing that happens in this ep (duh) be prepped for drama!!!