"Oh, to live for a forgotten love, but never heart".
-r
I: Loving Your Light (that is vulnerable).
II: Waiting For You (come home).
III: Darling, Remember Me.
I: Loving Your Light (that is vulnerable).
Jennie.
1939 April 12.
Dark blue skies remain as the gate of our love--that has been blooming over the seas. Father has told me that the world will cease to exist when love is no longer known among humanity. As I remark on his words, "People of newer eras were probably unaware of how romantically nostalgic past generations would be for that way of life. Thus, their ornately carved chair was just furniture to them. For us, it's a lovely piece of history with a mysteriously warm and meaningful thing to desire on its scratched surface that we can feel with our palms and fingertips. But what if they felt it as well? Maybe that's why everything was crafted with so many small touches and so much effort. There was a monetary value to everything".
I was born in the mark of ancient days, a lady who was born in England, to a British caregiver and a Korean mom. I've crafted my world, out of flowers and fashion. And, my lover was brims apart. Joining in church with mom, the priest would bless those, whose hearts are holy and sinless. With terms, that hold down the meaning of love, as he mentions, that every woman, belonged to a man. But, love is my sin. I shall say, I'm in love with a woman who chose to stick by her Thai father at war. My soldier, and my solid proof of existence; Pranpriya, my Lisa.
We met once on an occasion when soldiers from different countries would be honored here in England. We would welcome them, with our finest goods and make them tea. And her; she's the charming poet, the brave soldier, and I'm the foolish beauty that wanted to hold her hand. Soldiers from different parts of the world have admired me, some would offer their wealth, and some, their privileged names for me to claim. But she, the one who offered her heart. We found comfort in each other and were able to send each other notes, from time to time. As she went back home, I was left wondering, what does being with her feel like? Being able to physically enjoy her embrace and touch her skin, instead of the torture of distance.
Her favorite spot was the library.
The second time she came back, I snuck out of my home and met her there.
She greets me with her wild eyes, "Well, hello there".
Shyly, my eyes would look down as I bow in respect.
"No need to bow for me, my age shall not depict you to bow, darling. I'm of age, but not that older than you ". She smiled at me and touched my shoulders with her two hands. "You're real". I whispered, a blush forming on my face as I looked down again. Lisa laughed, "Does anything about my existence, bring such disbelief in you?".
"Not quite sure, but I'm glad you're here". I joked around with her.
As we walk, people were shuffling around the bookcases, a quill scribbling on parchments, and a toasty fireplace laughing. The calm, classical music played on the piano and complemented by the violin was particularly memorable.
I had no idea where the sound came from, nor had I ever seen someone playing.
The sounds created by the building's walls and volumes seemed to be a part of the library itself. I wished I could show gratitude to the musicians for such a lovely compliment. Music is easing.
"Maybe sometimes we don't need to speak, music does the work perfectly for us, don't you think?".
I agreed as she sighed dreamily, "Oh, how I wish we could return every time, to this divine moment". Lisa stopped and smiled at me.
"The library?".
"You, darling". There goes the beat of my heart, echoing louder for her to hear.
"And what about me?".
"This country isn't somewhere I come from, but you've made me feel at home since the first day we met".
"Have you always been good with words, my dear?". I questioned the way her eyes burned deeper inside of me.
"Growing up no, but this place..". She pulled my hand and positioned it above her heart, "It feels full, of everything that is you, Jennie". I bit back a smile and was about to speak up but an old man passed by, so I pulled my hand away.
Lisa cleared her throat, "Are you familiar with Chess?". I nodded as she pointed at a little table for two, "Show me the skills you own".
Three rounds later.
"I've lost," I say as her bishop moves across the board. "Checkmate", She says, her face gleaming with pride, begging for another round. I glance at the clock, turning back with a sigh.
"What, leaving so soon?". She teases and sits in her chair, hands on the table, her face lit by candlelight as rain patters on the aged yellow window next to our table. "My father isn't aware of my whereabouts. I certainly don't want him to get mad".
"Let's hope he won't notice... besides, would you want to go home in this weather?". I can hear her voice pleading for me to stay, but I spoke up, "It's light rain, I think I can handle myself. What are you, anyway, the weather man?". Thunder shook the windows, and then she gave me a wry smirk. I paused in gathering my things to mourn my lost pride. Lisa laughed at me.
"Let's see," I begin. "I suppose my father wonders can wait." She taps the table repeatedly, her fingers trembling with delight. I sling my coat over the back of my chair and get to work rearranging the board. I can't help myself; she persuades me to do things that benefit neither of us, and it appears to be a recurring problem.
"Should we?" In a snooty, overdone tone, she says. The game starts with a giggle, with the scent of dust and books filling the library, with her enchanting eyes that never left mine. My pawn moved. "We shall".
-
1939 May 12.
Somewhere in time, I found myself falling for her.
Her visits weren't consistent, but every time we met, I felt something and felt an emotion igniting within me. This time when she came to see me, I was lost in the melancholy of saying goodbye to her every time she had to leave. My family never understood why I was upset, but I refused to speak up or open up about my feelings.
"You look sad." Lisa frowned.
"I am". I muttered.
"Tell me why? What's the matter?". She turned her whole body to face me.
Silence.
"Please, tell me why."
"Because you have to go soon."
"I must go soon, yes, but not right this moment, I'm still here, isn't it?." She held my hand gently and made my heart melt, but in ways that made me struggle to say how I felt for her.
I looked over at her with heartbreaking eyes.
This was painful.
"Right now, I am here." She begins with a whisper.
"As I've always been, I'm here with you. And I must say, the time I've spent with you has been the best, happiest moment of my entire existence". Lisa holds my hands tighter in her own.
"Every laugh I share with you will reverberate in my ears like birdsong in the early morning for all eternity—". My face inched closer to hers, as I caught her off guard with a kiss. Our lips touched and everything around us was gone. There was passion and longing. She gently tilted her head and positioned her hand on my chin, making me feel like I was a butterfly in the cast of her hand. But, my tears made her pull away slowly. Then came the pecks of her lips on mine.
She connected our foreheads, "And, every kiss you give me will have me shocked to my core. Every reassuring and loving caress will be permanently carved into my skin, like a tattoo that can't be removed. And the world would come to a halt every time your eyes met mine, then, nothing else will matter".
I stared at her eyes intensely.
"You have to keep in mind that you are everything to me". When she whispers that, I look away.
"In the same manner that you are convinced that I am everything to you. But most importantly, you must remember to believe". I look down in sadness but she lifts my chin.
"Darling, it's important to remember that you're worth fighting for... Someone is always willing to fight for you, and as cheesy as I wouldn't like sounding, as a soldier, I shall let you know that I would fight the world for you. You are worth far more than I can express or describe. And you're always adored, even when you can't stand this distance." Our hands are intertwined. "There will never be a time when you are truly alone because I will always be with you".
"I'll be there even if you can't see me. My arms will be wrapped protectively around you even if you can't feel me. And even if you can't hear me, I'll always whisper to you..". She paused and looked so fragile as she spoke, I wanted to kiss her away again, "I love you".
"So long as I'm alive in your heart, mind, and memory, I'm here". She kissed my cheeks as I wrapped my arms around her, "My sweetheart Lisa, you confess but you should know that I love you so".
"I do".
I closed my eyes, and cherished the sound of her voice, letting her words sink in. A few minutes pass before I can sense the shift in the air. "Are you going to leave now?".
We pull away and she kisses my forehead one last time. "Yes."
1939 May 29.
So there we are, sitting in her favorite classical shop while listening to the piano music, which is occasionally drowned out by the horns and chatter outside.
Lisa doesn't speak much, just chuckles. I can't seem to get enough of her. I don't inquire much, but I enjoy the silence. I simply enjoy her calm presence, occasionally staring fondly at her, as I do when gazing at stars on beautiful nights. Time flies by so quickly that I'm not even aware of it.
Then she extends her hand and we hold hands.
Swaying back and forth, we decide to sit on a bench, with nature.
"Uhm..". Lisa puts her hands on her knees and fidgeted.
I wait for her patiently.
She grabs a book that we were reading before and hands it to me. I look at her puzzled.
"Open the first page we read together."
I remember it well, of course.
I open it and locate a folded paper. I unfurl the paper and read, "It's weird, right? This letter? Forgive my handwriting, I doodled at lightning speed. To be honest, I think I am starting to love you even more, even though we're far apart all the time, but that I am too shy to express your beauty". I look over at her, speechless. She is smiling but I am on the brink of tears.
"You're a goofball".
Lisa laughs.
"Yours, darling".
-
My memory refuses to remember what time of a visit this way, but she was here, holding both of my hands, "But I don't want to leave this time, Jennie". Here we are, in my room. Father wasn't home and neither was mom, I locked us in my room, and we were set in the middle of my bed, holding each other and hoping time slows down. I was hoping.
"You have to go". I whispered.
"Darling, I don't want to leave your embrace". Her arms were stronger than my body.
"You have to". I forced those words out of my mouth, because if I didn't, I know I wouldn't be strong enough to resist telling her to stay.
"Please...". She pouted at me.
I softly smiled at her to ease her worries, "I'll always be here, I'll be waiting for you".
"What if I can't come back?".
"I'll wait even then". I whispered and caressed her cheeks delicately, "In this room, I will wait forever for you".
"I love you". She kissed my forehead.
"I know you do, my love".
II: Waiting For You (come home).
1939 June 12.
Note #1
I wonder why I like the beauty that comes with the mind, why I can be this into someone who stores warmth in a merciful way, it's enchanting because those feelings never had limits. They say nobody, no race, was there to stop the storm from ever coming, but if I can wrap myself in your warmth and bring down halos like an angel, I would drink the ocean's waves, like a Buffon.
I was afraid of losing myself in the sea, knowing no one will look beneath the depth of it, but as your eyes read this, I wonder when is the day, where I would be lost in your eyes, deeper and deeper, so I can go until I'm lost in your heart.
I want the beat of your heart to become my surrounding, and my heartbeat to match your default. As I think about your hair, your eyes, and your body, I transcend into a beautiful world that contains all of the happy memories of you and me. But, I sink deeper into these thoughts and I cherish how you make me feel. God, If she only knew the way I look up at the sky and wish to be one of these stars that she looks up to.
All of you pull me in.
The words that are trapped and that are my thoughts, intertwine with your heart that I wanna forever lock onto mine. Please don't ever wake me up from these beautiful thoughts because when I'm lost inside your mind, I find myself.
And no matter the distance the attraction remains constant. You could be at the ends of the earth and still, I would feel pulled toward you. There is something about you and me that matches, each half caring about the other so fully that life alone would be meaningless. When times are dark you are the one that lifts me back into the light, when times are bright you are the one who rejoices with me. So though it is your eyes, your skin, your face that I look upon, know that the attraction runs deep to my core. I wanna press my lips against your neck and show you how much I want to hold you and keep you closer, to my world, Jen.
-LM
That was the first note I got from her. And I heard it all, how the world is preparing for war. In months the chaos begins. The second note made my heart clench even more.
Note#2
Hey, my love, I'm just sitting in the middle of this uncomfortable bed, missing you. And, I'm currently in the middle of nowhere with the troops. Wanna know a secret? you're always in my head. your giggles, your voice, just you.. I imagined you in this bed with me, cuddling me, (perhaps the bed is uncomfy so you can lay on my chest). So, I imagined us here cuddling as we talk about the most random things that come to mind. I could read you poetry, or we can watch our souls slowly intertwine with each other even more.
I would like to stare at the depth of your eyes, and I know by then I would be speechless- mesmerized by your smile, and your beauty. I want to hold your hand, lace our fingers together and tell you how safe, how happy you make me feel. you drive me crazy, Jen. You make me want to explore the hidden beauty of this life, and you make me want to reach out for light, that light that would guide me to you someday, to your arms. That's where my safe place is.
Moments ago, a friend of mine in the army told me about how he, and his girl have moved in together. How they spent their morning together, went to this restaurant, came back home, and we're cuddling each other. Almost fell asleep while he was speaking but darling, I miss you. I hope you never get sick of me saying, "I miss you", I do, so much. I wish you were here, for me to make the corniest jokes, or for me to say cheesy things that would make you roll your eyes. I want you in my arms, every moment. And, if I can swim through all these oceans, I would. But I can't swim for shit, pardon my language my lady.
She's such a goofball.
If I had a superpower as of now, I would want to fly or teleport myself to where my beautiful woman is. The lady who's reading this, not knowing how crazy I am for her. I want to whisper and tell her; "I'm all yours to keep". Truly yours and there is no denying that. I'm in disbelief that you're mine, but you are, and that brings a smile to this soldier's face. Woman, you're making my heart race, with feelings that I only feel towards you. Your hero ate dinner and (not so full meals for days now). It's only 7 here, but I'm falling asleep. I love you.
-LM
I love her.
More than the moon.
So, I decided to write her something that night.
1939 June 26.
Note#3
Hello, my love, cheesy Lisa is, here again, to say that I'm really happy to have you. Truly, you're always in my mind, and I just imagined you here with me, holding me. I hope every night that I get, to dream of you, but knowing you are with me makes me the happiest person in this world. I remember how my heart started beating for you, Jen, it truly does.
I can't wait for the day when our souls become one and our eyes meet each other. When my hand slowly pulls yours into mine, I admire how we understand each other. How we listen to each other. I'm here to always support my beautiful and amazing lady.
We will always inspire each other to become stronger with each passing day, yeah? (despite how I'm stuck in the army). You're truly a diamond that lays inside my heart- trapped and isolated inside there, not even the wind can shake the feeling that I get when I talk to you, when I hear your voice, see your face when I think of you.
Thanks for always caring for me, but enough of cheesy me. I hope you're smiling. Tell me you're smiling, darling. If you are (I know you are, well maybe not) Please, keep that smile on your face, I will spiritually place my hands on your cheeks and kiss you right now. Yes, you heard me, I'm spiritually kissing you.
Have you eaten breakfast? If you have, I'm glad, I'm glad. So, this is sleepy Lisa speaking and I wanted to tell you about this girl that makes me happy, and I'm always smiling but she doesn't know that, and sometimes I wonder; Do I make her smile too? I want her happy and to take care of her. She's genuinely.. one of the best things I've ever had or happened to me. I mean it, Jen.
Okay, here I am being cheesy again, apologies my one. Every time you wake up and don't find me, just know that I'm spiritually here, darling.
-LM
My smile dropped as soon as my father walked into the living room. I hid the notes in my little bag, too quick for him to see or be suspicious of anything. He greeted, "Hey sweetheart".
"Hello, father". I smiled at him.
"I would like you to meet someone". He turns around, steps aside, and a handsome man who seemed to be my age attains in. His style was breathtaking but he was too quiet, I frowned and then looked at father.
"Who is he?". I questioned.
Father smiled, "Your soon-to-be-husband".
1939 July 4.
I haven't written her anything back. It started hurting like hell—because on what occasion am I to tell her, that a man who's a stranger to my world—is to consume it? I've still got notes from her. Even when I didn't send anything back. I felt heartbroken.
Note #4
When I close my eyes, I can see darkness isolate my sight, but when I look deep inside, I can feel the light take hold of my soul and pull me closer to Saturn, and its moons. They say nothing is as scary as telling someone how you feel. The cause was given, it's like placing your heart in front of them and then waiting to see if they would pick it up or step on it. This takes me back to that exact second-- when I knew my heart started beating for you, how crazy it felt, and how scared I was.
My hands were all shaky as I confessed that day.
I remember how there was a trumpet inside of my heart, it's pace was quick, barely for me to hear, but fast enough that I felt it in my bloodstream. How quickly the night passed, how lucky I am that you became mine?
My heart was in disbelief, but full of happiness. Despite all of that, somewhere out there, I always felt like our souls were connected, we didn't even have to try. As I'm sitting at this desk; I want you to know that I'm always thinking of you, my one.
Somewhere the ghost of me is holding you, kissing you, touching you, and making you feel special, I hope I do.
I cried at every word, my chest felt tight as I looked around my room; the place that has become the waiting room.
My heart longs for you.
So does mine, Lisa.
If I were to hold you as of the moment and to forget about the rest of the world for a second; my love, I would've ran to see you. But hey, if you ever feel sad; create a bubble of just you and me, I will be there to listen, to hold you.
I will keep you safe in these arms of mine.
My love.
My love always knew the right words to say. To make me fall even harder.
I want you to hold me tight, I want to breathe in your scent and to be reminded of what it's like to be at "home".
I'm ruined.
So ruined.
If only she was here, I would've ran away with her.
I want you to hold me until I fall asleep, Jen. When everything else in the world is silent and cold, I will be here to keep you warm. I will create a flame, that can fight back any cold. Everything feels safe with you, darling. truly.
I want to run away from here, and be with you. And lady! I'm allowed to kidnap your majesty, right? Right? Yes indeed, right.
I laughed and tilted my head in admiration towards the letter.
If I did, Where would you go?
'Anywhere with you', would've been my answer.
To me, anywhere that has you in it, Jennie.
You're my universe, my sunshine too, alright, I'm getting sick of myself. Y'know, darling, I'm starting to think, if I were to be cheese, I would be your favorite type of cheese. The sun is probably out somewhere here, father is calling me, guess I have to go, I love you.
I sighed heavily and started reading the second note.
Note #5
I recall my feelings as a waterfall of confusion and faith, shiny diamonds that run through my chest. I've told myself that I would go through it all-- watch the mountains fall and collapse but still hold on, run out of breath as I reach the end of the road, but even when you become one of those far stars I can never reach—my hand will be reaching out, missing the feeling of your hand on mine, and it might be a feeling that I didn't get to feel just yet. I would go through it all, for you darling.
I can imagine the look in her eyes as she wrote all of this. The unsuppressed smile and her sparkling eyes have my breath hitch every time.
I would make a beat out of raindrops, and smile at the sun as if it will bring me closer to you. I want to hold you and write down the sanctuary of you and me, in a safe place.
Somewhere where we get to let our souls intertwine. Like a movie scene on repeat, and I can never take my eyes off you. My heart remains as your soldier, fighting through it all, and with your hand on mine, I promise that I'm ready to face it all. Only you, can make me feel things and show me the world at its brightest forms. You don't have to worry about anyone else coming in the way, because all I see is you, I do.
Why am I the one holding the gun now, Lisa?
If I told you, would the bullets of the truth kill you?
This universe was an empty subway to me, that came in contrast with how I used to feel about life. But with you, my world is like living in ancient Greece, with all sorts of freedom. The freedom to freely feel. To freely love.
How much I feel for you is foolish. I can count every passing second, but I would never be able to assert how much I miss you.
As I'm writing this, I'm picturing us on a boat someday, with clouds that could be seen. I place my hand in yours, and together, we can accomplish what neither of us could do alone. There is no longer a feeling of hopelessness.
But, how could I hurt such a pure soul like yours?
We no longer have to depend on our own shaky willpower.
We're all together now, holding out our hands for strength and force greater than our own.
If only you knew how reality will shake us up, my dear.
We find power and empathy as we join hands. And, I would hold your hand, as my heart skips a beat at every glance I get. Every chance I get to stare at those eyes. I can hold on to the sound of your giggles, as my heart becomes warm. Its warmth keeps you away from the cold, and from anything that would come your way.
A fool for you, I truly am. I'm to fight against the wind, just to see your smile.
My dear, I told you I see things in you that I don't find in other people, and that's the honest truth. Know that you mean a lot to me.
Lovely Jennie, I want to watch you when you talk, and your voice moves through the air to my ears, I want to keep an eye on you. I want to pay attention, but I know I would be distracted by the way your fingertips are positioned on your thighs. My attention is drawn to them as they rest there.
I would slowly reach out to place my hand on yours as if they are the most amazing thing on the face of the planet. And, it's as if the whole universe has fallen silent, and two shattered bits have made their way back to their proper places.
Sparks will fly as you run your fingers down my arm and take my hand in yours. Because that's when I would start to tremble and get chills up and down my back.
When your lips brush against mine, when your fingers thread through mine, and I feel the soft skin of your palm against mine. We become one. We will mirror each other.
Will we?
1939 July 12.
I've spent time with Taehyung, the man my father thinks can get me out of the country and somewhere safer because of his wealth. He's a gentleman, but he's nothing like the woman that I loved.
Only fools will think I haven't fought for her.
I've fought father, but all I got was the mere way of abuse.
He locked me up and told me that my safety is more important than anything else, but I'm suffocated by being here, by not being with her.
Somehow I did sneak out. And got her notes.
My dear, Lisa.
Note #6
It's been said that love never runs out. It is true that the more you offer, the more you will receive. When you give out bits and pieces of it, the balances fill rather than complete. But why does it feel like you're absolutely the prettiest thing in my eyes?
And, in all honesty, my feelings are a bountiful harvest. It does not exist in an infinite supply in all. And there's no such bank for emotions, but I can feel those petals of your heart touch mine, everything about you makes me smile even more every time.
There is no brief explanation as to why souls meet, but mine met yours for a reason.
Jen, you're the prettiest flower in my eyes, and maybe I'm too cheesy to look in your eyes without speaking the words of attraction, the souvenir of having you in my life. But, is my existence burdening you?
You haven't sent me anything back..
I will wait for your response.
Maybe this waiting room is getting so suffocating, my love.
1939 July 19.
For once, father let me out. But only for me to spend time with Taehyung. And he was truly the gentlest of souls. He took me to this garden, read to me, and bought me souvenirs. But my mind went back to her; the soldier who wasn't home.
Note #7
Often I think of the clouds as a rollercoaster of emotions, I see the light in your smile, and hold on to it like I'm a sinner to the sunlight and the soft breeze of the wind when your hands are open.
Time traced my soul, as we became aware of these nights. I know fear will isolate me when you inch a little closer; how can someone be this beautiful?
This delicate for me to touch?
But, I know I will never remain fearful because what I feel for you is way more than the lipped concession that comes out of my lips when I let our bodies come a little closer.
When your eyes undress me; is when I feel free. I feel so open, so free, to feel what I want to feel without being afraid of the fall, can I fall into your arms and sing melodies that only we knew?
May I kiss you as it rains, as it pours with love? Let me remind the universe that you're mine, because those rockets are cutting into my wings a little sharper, but isn't your love my healing? I hope it is.
How I wish it was, my one.
Nature becomes less harsh, when you speak to me through a muse, that only you know.
Soon, we will dance a little closer to paradise- but I can already feel honey trail down my skin, making me feel the sweetness of your voice as we chase and run like two lovers.
This war is haunting.
Your loving gaze makes me smile a little deeper, but it's you that I want to smile for. As you look as beautiful as these roses in my heart. When you tilt your head as I speak, or when you notice and feel when something is wrong with me. No words, just feelings, just thoughts. you're mine to love for now, and I will keep you closer through every storm.
For now, oh the hopelessness.
Hope you're well, and be able to offer a gesture to my letters.
-LM
III: Darling, Remember Me.
1939 July 28.
I didn't receive any more notes but got a bigger surprise. She was back. Here, walking my way. Tears rushed through me as I ran to engulf her but she didn't seem pleased. My steps became slower, meanwhile, her facial expression was tense, like my presence confused her.
She didn't take me in her arms, but rather pulled me by my hands, and intertwined our fingers together.
She looked down at me, I melted but somehow anxiety was taking a good grip of my soul.
"Darling, Jennie, I've been in love with you the second you spoke and my heart started beating, but that's not what you say when people ask how you fell together, isn't it? What else is there to say? What is the socially acceptable thing to pull from your mouth like baby teeth you've outgrown?". She inches closer but doesn't dare kiss me, " I would love to kiss your forehead and make you a cup of tea, whatever you desire. I want to make you happy but seems like it isn't enough, my dear".
"What are you saying, love?". My voice trembled.
"I've heard that you're going to be with someone else, Jennie".
She said my first name.
Lisa was formal.
"It's not like it seems..". I whispered.
She looked with hesitance at me, like she was doubting the love I had for her. "Then explain to me why I'm the last to hear of such news?". She pulled her hands away from mine, "Is that certainly the reason why I never have received anything back, lady?".
I looked away.
She sighed heavily, "Jennie".
"I like seeing you happy, seeing you smile and yawn from the moment you hold my hand outside the lawn and the sun is blushing a golden yellow starting dawn and until now I.. really want to hold you". She was holding back her tears, "You were always enough for me, you were always the one I was so certain about. It's romantic to think that every version of me was made to be with every version of you, in every dimension but maybe not in this one".
That was the triggering point for my tears to come out as she spoke, "It's romantic to think that our love crosses universes and traverses timelines and that we were always meant to be, that nothing could keep us apart. It's a beautiful concept. But imagine if we were never meant to fall in love. Imagine if every conceivable universe wanted us to remain apart, but it was our own free will that brought us together. We carved our paths with each other. Maybe it was always going to be me and you. I would bend the stars and twist the heavens to be with you tonight, from kissing your left cheek to kissing your right cheek, but that is just an absurd way to put it.. when you're a woman who is getting married". She laughed at herself in the ending but I whispered, "Hold me, Lisa".
"That's a way to torture each other even more, don't you think, Jennie?".
She started walking and waited for me to walk beside her, as my whole body was aching to touch her, but I respected her words.
Somehow, our souls always found a way to come to this garden. The memories we shared here, the whispers, the kisses, and the gentle touches.
"May I, do something for the last time?". She speaks up when we sit down. I turn my head to look at her.
She's here beside me, as we're running out of time, "It's your wedding today, right?". I nodded my head at her, as she moved her body closer to mine. I placed my head on it, nothing more.
Lisa has always smelled the same as before, she smelled like safety.
"Can I be the one to lead you to the altar?".
Brown eyes look at me with hopelessness.
I bit my bottom lip to not cry, and linked our arms together, trying my best to not allow this feeling to overwhelm me. But here we were, both, our tears gushing through our eyes.
"I'm madly in love with you". I whispered.
She kissed the top of my head, "I love you, Jennie Kim, remember how much you mean to me".
Her arm slowly is wrapped around my waist now, she inhales a deep breath.
"So this is our end?". I question.
"Yes," She says.
Rain pelts the floor, soaking through our clothes. A shiver runs down my spine, but she holds me, and stays next to me, gazing with equal melancholy at the wet sky. "Why though?". My voice quivers.
"Why must all things have an end? Why must this end?". I swallowed hard.
"It ends because it must; it is in its nature," She tilts her head to the side to look at me. I swim in her gentle eyes, feeling the summit of the adventures we have shared together. Lisa's presence completely, wholly, consumes me. The rain is drowned out by my cries, she takes my hand. "As all things have an end, this is ours."
"This is our last goodbye"
"While you're in your room in what you call waiting room, I will be in the middle of a war that my heart and neither my body can fight, and maybe that's.. the real waiting room, darling".
-
Here we were, arms linked, father couldn't be here for the wedding but Taehyung didn't dare question who was she. Not knowing that the woman who was walking me down the aisle was the one who I truly love.
"This is not what I dreamt of before, but I'm contented to see you in a white dress, love". Lisa whispered as we walked down the aisle. All eyes were on us as we reach our destination. Lisa kissed my forehead and her lips stayed there for more than a second, she whispered to me," Be happy my love, remember I will always be here, even when I'm physically gone. I will always love you no matter what".
I didn't get to speak but, my heart and eyes cried for her.
"See you in the next life", She whispered but I caught that.
She places my hand on Taehyung's and patted his shoulder, "Take good care of her and be a good husband. Love her more than I ever did". The man looked confused but the priest cut us off as Lisa walked away, I saw the tears before she was able to hide them from me.
After pronouncing us husband and wife, I look at the man again. He smiles at me and whispered that he will love me and take care of me, but I couldn't say anything back, I couldn't lie to him.
I love her.
The more it hit me that it was the last time I'm seeing her, the more my feet rushed to take me out of this place. I ran and ran, but she was gone.
Where is my love?
August 25, 1939
Before evacuation, I got one last letter from her. It was enough to fire my soul and to make me cry. A soldier approached me, "Miss, are you, Jennie?".
I nodded.
He had tears in his eyes, "I'm Kunpimook, but you can call me bambam".
"I'm sorry, I'm not aware of who you are". I muttered.
"I'm Lisa's best friend". He wiped his eyes, "Remember her?".
I nodded rapidly, "Yes, how is she?".
He was about to answer but Taehyung came from behind me, "Who are you?". He sternly asked the soldier.
"Just came to deliver the message".
He was shaken up with emotions.
I asked one last time, "How is she?".
"She's.. gone".
"What do you mean?". My heart dropped.
"She got shot by one of the enemies before we even had the chance to move through the south. She sacrificed her life for her father, she died before I was able to deliver this message..".
That's when I dropped to my knees and read the letter.
I didn't care if Taehyung read it too, she left me.
Note #8
As I write this, a soldier friend of mine is standing at my side. He knows this is a love letter but he's still sneaking glances. Honestly, it's no wonder he is still single. But, he's the one who will be delivering this letter to you. His name is Bambam. He says he owes me for the time I doubled back to save him. I'm sorry about that. I never would have imagined myself sending you a letter of my feelings again. But, I feel it coming, in this war, I'll die, but without regrets, or that's what I'd like to say. Truth is, I do have one.
I never got to marry you.
But, know that I love you.
Love is war.
Darling, remember me.
-LM
I always will, my Lisa.
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