Hua Cheng fished out his laptop from the messy floor and with fluttering hands, booted it. Yes, an email has come. Yes, it has come from the Heaven Hearth Hospital, Psych Department. And yes... Dr Xie was to be his therapist.
He stared at the confirmation mail for five minutes.
He wanted to dance. He wanted to jump up and give Yin Yu, who was preparing breakfast for the three of them, a big bear hug for giving him the hospital number and maybe take He Xuan for an all-you-can-eat bouquet. But he didn't. His first session was from eleven in the morning today and it was already 9. Hua Cheng rammed open his cupboard, side stepping to escape the cascading heaps of clothing, and pulled out a shirt, a white tee which he did not even know he had, and black jeans.
"Were you trying to drown yourself in the shower?" He Xuan asked, biting down on the pan fried pork bun.
"No, I cleaned my room a bit." Hua Cheng took his seat at the table instead of taking his breakfast inside.
"Oh dear, you just had one introductory session, and look at you go." Yin Yu said, smiling.
Hua Cheng ignored the remark as usual and ate to his fill, trying to note what it tasted like in case Dr Xie asked him again. The pork filling was a bit overcooked, but it was still soft and juicy, the dough was crispy outside and fluffy when he dug his teeth into them. He chewed slowly, smiling.
He Xuan stared at him and locked eyes with Yin Yu, and they both silently agreed, an excited bubbly Hua Cheng was just as scary as a murderous Hua Cheng with a butcher knife, standing in the dark kitchen,in the middle of the night, breaking down a whole chicken, right from skinning to chopping.
Hua Cheng did not run to the hospital this time. No, he did not want to be all sweaty and gross right before his session. For the first time in his life, he was looking forward to meeting somebody.
'Your problems are not silly. You are not a joke.'
Xie Lian was standing at the reception, with a big white floppy sun hat tucked under his arm, reading a thick book like it was the end of the world. He was not in his scrubs. A white shirt with the top button undone and a pair of cream slightly baggy pants, looking all ready to go out for a hike. That confused the patient, who stood there at the automated door, fidgeting, wondering whether he got the time all wrong. It was from 11 a.m. right? The psych looked up and a bright warm smile broke out on his face so easily, that Hua Cheng suddenly was overcome with shyness.
Xie Lian returned the book to Shi Qingxuan, who was sprawled over, spinning mindlessly on the rotating office chair, chewing a pencil butt. The morning was calm at the hospital, well at least at the eastern wing, because the E.D was at the west. "So I will get going. I will come back after lunch." he said with a smile.
"That's almost three hours!" She snorted. "Just because he is your first patient does mean you have to go overboard."
"I am not overdoing it. Do you not think it takes time for people to open up?" He tried to reason.
"Fine, I am a nurse. I do not know shit about psychiatry. But-" she dropped her voice, "Mentally unwell or whatever, he sure is hot, no?" She was grinning at him with knowing eyes.
"That's it! I am reporting you once I come back from my sess-" Xie Lian whispered furiously, hoping they were out of earshot.
"Date" she whispered, completing his sentence.
Xie Lian promptly picked up his writing pad off the desk and lightly smacked her forehead with it. Then he handed back his pager, hooked on his ID and turned to usher his patient closer. Hua Cheng was standing out a bit far, so he did not hear their frivolous whispering. He walked in closer and Shi Qingxuan slapped a log page of the desk in front of him.
"Sign here." She huffed, biting her mouth, trying to stay as professional as possible.
Hua Cheng hesitated. His handwriting was something he was not really proud of. He sighed out of his nose and signed. He kept the pen down with a light thud of finality, refusing to look at the nurse, who was struggling to keep a straight face at his chicken scratch. Without any word, Xie Lian gently took his hand and they walked towards the back, in the crowded ambulance bay. There were two bicycles at one corner.
"There is a nice hill a bit away from here. And on top there is a little cafe. I thought we could... oh I should have asked you before I jumped into this. I a -" Xie Lian realised he hadn't even asked if Hua Cheng was fine with outdoor therapy.
"Gege, I am fine with anything you do to help me out." Hua Cheng quickly said, not wanting the doctor to get uncomfortable now.
Xie Lian nodded and put on the helmet, Hua Cheng followed suit as they both cycled out of the bay on the cycle lane. The road was busy. There were buses, cars and bikes zooming past them, noiselessly. But they cycled unhurriedly on the empty cycle bay, rather Xie Lian cycled as slowly as humanly possible and Hua Cheng just wanted to be right next to his doctor.
"So, how was dinner last night?" Xie Lian asked, tilting his chin up to let the warm spring air tickle his skin.
"I made pasta." Hua Cheng said. He was in such a good mood all day long yesterday that even He Xuan's remarks and off handed comments did not get to him (though he added a ton of carolina reaper cheese and chopped up ghost pepper in his portion instead of normal parmesan).
"Really! I bet it was amazing!" Xie Lian looked at him, smacking his lips to emphasise.
"Gege, it was average." Hua Cheng said in a low voice.
"What was the colour?" Xie Lian gently pressed on the breaks and slowly came to a halt. They were at a zebra crossing.
"Red... a bit towards the pinkish side, because of tomatoes and cream?" Hua Cheng noticed a bit late, mind too occupied looking at his therapist, and hastily pressed the brakes, jerking to a halt after a brief sideways skid. He would have toppled himself over had the therapist not grabbed his elbow to keep him and the bicycle up.
With one hand only...
"Ah. Your friends must have loved it." Xie Lian smiled as he helped Hua Cheng steady himself. The latter looked at him, a bit terrified of ruining their flow of conversation, searching for signs of irritation, but found none. The smile was warm and genuine. Xie Lian did not ask him to be careful, but continued with their conversation, not giving Hua Cheng a chance to feel awkward, silently telling him, 'Be as you are, I will handle the rest.'
They stopped talking as they crossed the road. Hua Cheng did not even know there was a wooded hill in the middle of the city like the one in front of him right now. He looked around with a five year old child-like gaze and Xie Lian bought their entry tickets. Parking their bikes in the security chamber, they walked slowly into the forest. The trees were young but tall, roofing and lightly shading the rabbit trail from the bright sunshine. Xie Lian put on his enormous floppy sun hat and smiled at Hua Cheng. The wind was cool and damp so, probably there was a lake somewhere. Nostalgia burned through his veins and inspiration to pick up his pencil and sketchbook grew and grew. The wind fluttered in his open shirt and fluffed up his Tee, drying up the little sheen of sweat on his skin. His eye fell on Xie Lian who was already looking at him,
"It has been a while since I walked in a place like this." He confessed looking up at the branches.
"Oh! When was the last time?" Xie Lian followed his gaze and both pairs of eyes were locked on the bunch of squirrels hoping about the tree tops, fighting mildly over a nut.
"When I was about six?" Hua Cheng said, looking back down when the squirrels ran off to another tree.
"Then I think I did a good job at picking out this place." Xie Lian proudly nodded and crossed his hands over his chest.
"Sure gege did." Hua Cheng said, as his psychiatrist gently pulled him forward by the sleeve. The trail lazily wound and twined around the tree trucks as they carefully walked uphill. After a while, the dirt path got littered with big boulders. They realised they could not side track it, so Xie Lian pulled himself up on one which looked stable enough and extended a hand towards Hua Cheng. A bit shy, but still the latter allowed himself to be helped up. He really wished he was not wearing his tight jeans right now.
"What is the best compliment you have ever received?" Xie Lian asked, not looking at him this time. He stuck the tip of his tongue out at the corner of his mouth as he readied himself to jump from the current boulder to the next. He hopped off and landed squarely in the centre.
"That my problems are not a joke." Hua Cheng said, as he casually extended his foot and stepped on the next one with no effort to jump. In two easy steps he went a boulder ahead of Xie Lian.
"San Lang, other than that. Like a real compliment." Xie Lian also tried to step the way Hua Cheng had, realising that it was probably safer than jumping. But his pace was a bit short and he ended up colliding into Hua Cheng's back, face-planting into his shoulder blades.
"Does Gege mean to say that was just to placate me?" Hua Cheng moved aside, giving the doctor some space to regain balance.
"Hey! No. San Lang~~~" He groaned,
Hua Cheng laughed heartily. His face muscles protested weakly at the forgotten stretch, but it was a good feeling- to smile and laugh with no restraints. Hua Cheng, then, tried to think a bit harder. Other than getting ogles, he does not receive any compliments as such. No wait!
"My art club teacher in high school had told me that my hand at water paint and carving was good." He said, as they stepped off the boulders and walked up a steeper dirt slope.
"Oh! Is that why you took Art, San Lang?" Xie Lian trotted up ahead. At the hilltop, snuggled cosily amongst nature's green cradle was the cafe. The structure resembled a stone cottage from the mediaeval era, looking old but beautiful. A lawn full of small white flowering shrubs was stretched in front of the porch, with white tables set under the cool shades of the bigger trees. Off the cliff, down a dangerously steep slope was a small languid lake with greenish water. Birds chirped and if Hua Cheng listened carefully, he could hear the calming buzz of bees.
"Y-yes. It is kind of the only thing I do not need to force myself to do." He replied.
"Like a hobby turned into a profession?"
"You could say that. But a hobby... no I cannot really call it a hobby, because I do it all the time. I think I should find one, to prevent burnouts. But I do not know what I might like. I also do not want to do it alone. And I do not want to do it with just anybody." He confessed rather awkwardly. When did he get this difficult and picky?
"Would San Lang like it if I help him find a new hobby?" Xie Lian asked, turning around and looking over his shoulder at Hua Cheng, right into the eye, lips stretched into a soft smile. The sunlight filtered through the canopy of leaves above them, through his hat and reflected softly against his eyes just right, making them sparkle amber.
"I'd love it." he said quietly, as they entered the lawn and walked on the soft grass to sit down at the farthest table, right off the edge of the woods around the cafe. A waiter politely took their orders and soon two impossibly chilled frappes sat in front of them. Hua Cheng just chose what Xie Lian chose for himself, not really glancing at the menu.
"So, San Lang." Xie Lian said, pulling off his sun hat, in a serious voice.
"Yes Gege." Hua Cheng braced himself.
"What makes you angry?" Xie Lian leaned in forward a bit, encouraging him.
"Everything." Hua Cheng leaned back and looked away, unable to look him in the eye.
"Are you angry now?" Xie Lian's voice was incredibly soft.
"N-no, I am not." Hua Cheng bit his lips.
"So not everything makes you angry." Xie Lian smiled at him and sat back into his seat, drinking down his frappe, and then smacked his head a bit to get rid of the brain freeze.
Hua Cheng just bent over the table to purse his lips around the straw and sucked up his drink, while chewing the tip. He puffed up a deep breath and let go of the abused straw with a silent pop and said,
"When things do not go the way I expect it to go... When there are sudden changes in plans, unrest, or anything which disrupts my usual routines. I am ok with it if I know that on such and such day this is to happen. But when that does not happen, I feel... I-"
"Anxious?" Xie Lian tried to help.
"Yes, and confused." He agreed, glaring at the ice cubes inside his cup.
"San Lang, are you scared of the dark?" Xie Lian's question caught him off-guard. Nonetheless he answered without hesitation.
"I used to be when I was a child. I am not now, at least in places I know." Hua Cheng shrugged.
"Why do you think that is so?" Xie Lian had finished his drink and now had pulled off the lid to suck on the ice cubes one by one.
"I grew up?" Hua Cheng cocked up an eyebrow.
"Haha, sure you did. But, now that you know what is there in the dark, you are not afraid. We tend to be afraid of the unknown San Lang. You do not like surprises because that way you do not have the time to predict the next things that can possibly happen. But tell me, why do you not feel angry now? Wasn't my mail a surprise?"
"I-it was. I was really looking forward to it. So, it was a good surprise."
"So, does this not prove that surprises can be pleasant as well? Sometimes, letting down our guards to go with the flow events can turn out to be good as well. Not every surprise has to be a nasty one. Nor are they gonna harm you all the time."
"But what if it-" Hua Cheng paused. He did not wish to contradict his doctor but-
"Hm?" Xie Lian encouraged him to speak up.
"What if it is a bad turn of events?" His voice broke a bit, hand curling up into a tight fist on the table.
"San Lang, do you know what comes after the snow?" Xie Lian's hand reached ahead and he gently placed it over Hua Cheng's clenched fist on the table.
Hua Cheng blinked, tension through his body dissipating into the cool thin air around them.
"Water? Like the snow melts?" He said immediately.
"Scientifically yes. But no, it is wrong." Xie Lian tossed his head gently.
"What comes after snow?" Hua Cheng asked back.
"New life. Spring."
Xie Lian squeezed his hand before letting go. And Hua Cheng gulped.
"Did something happen when you were a child?" Xie Lian asked next.
"I think saying what did not happen would be a shorter list." Hua Cheng laughed.
"San Lang." Xie Lian chided.
"Gege, have you heard of the Crimson Company?" His smile was smug but sad.
"You mean one of the top notch machinery companies of the country. Who hasn't?"
"And the IAN Company?"
"Their greatest rival. Yes." Xie Lian nodded vigorously.
"I am the son of the CEO's." He deadpanned.
"You mean the Crimson Company?" Xie Lian frowned.
"No. Both of them." He said it in a matter of fact voice.
Xie Lian's eyes went wide.
"The company's inheritance runs by blood. And the previous CEO's thought of marrying off their next in line to curb the rivalry. My parents were never on good terms. And when I did not turn out the way they wanted me to be, things visibly fell apart. Mom pulled out from the contract when I was around fifteen and it was like living with a tiger and a lion under the same roof, till I could not take it anymore. And things just turned horrible when I declared I wanted to go to art school. That way there would not be any heir to both the companies. They are too stubborn to let that out of the family. When I graduated high school, I ran away."
"Did they not search for you?" Xie Lian sounded like he understood.
"I just did not return. They are considerate enough to pay my college tuition and give me enough monthly allowance. I do get a card for birthdays. Other than that, we are strangers." Hua Cheng talked like it was a normal thing, and that made Xie Lian's heart to dip.
"Were you afraid?" He asked.
"Huh?"
"When you ran away, weren't you afraid?" He asked like he needed to know, not as a psychiatrist but just as another person.
"I was more angry than afraid. But my father's assistant, Mr Yin's son, Yin Yu was in a three bedroom dorm or rather apartment which he was sharing with another student of the same college. So I joined in. Luckily, that college was the one I wanted to get into. And, things just slotted together." Hua Cheng said, rubbing his hands together.
"And?"
"And we have stuck together ever since."
"Do you get angry when Yin Yu does something unpredictable?" Xie Lian snapped back into his profession.
"He is not the kind to be unpredictable. It is like he runs on a computer program." Hua Cheng managed a short laugh, figuring out in which direction this particular conversation was headed.
"I am sure Yin Yu is a person, San Lang..." Xie Lian smiled.
"When I was trying to get in, the college sessions had started and the admissions were closed. Yin Yu went out of his way to talk to the Head of the department, the dean and other authorities, showed them my work and actually helped me get in even though it was a bit late." Hua Cheng, begrudgingly confessed. Putting it that way, it felt like he was in debt to Yin Yu if their childhood was not considered.
"Sounds like a good friend to me." Xie Lian leaned back into his seat.
"He is," the college student agreed involuntarily.
And Hua Cheng slammed his mouth shut. Did he just say that? Did he just agree that Yin Yu was a good friend, when just yesterday he was fixated on calling him nothing more than a roommate. He looked at Xie Lian and found him grinning triumphantly.
"Have you thanked him?" Xie Lian could hardly keep in the glee of the success of his method.
"What for?"
"Have you ever thanked Yin Yu for being there for you?"
He is the only one I do not unleash my anger upon." Hua Cheng murmured, feeling kind of pathetic - anyone would thank the person who helped them so much, just Hua Cheng was not just anyone.
"So you have tried to show your gratitude. But have you ever thanked him, verbally?" Xie Lian pushed a little.
"No, I have not." Hua Cheng... pouted?
Xie Lian sucked up the froth and said, "I think, it would not harm to."
"It has been so long. Will it not be awkward?"
"You never know till you try San Lang."
"Ri-right."
"You absolutely do not have to force yourself. It might be difficult, so you must take your time."
"It won't be difficult." Hua Cheng said.
"Ha! San Lang. To me, saying 'Thank You, and 'I am sorry' used to be the most difficult phrases when I was younger. So I understand."
***
Yin Yu always washes the dinner dishes. Gently humming to himself, he washed each pot and pan with utmost care and set them on the rack to dry them. He Xuan has called it a night already and Hua Cheng usually locks himself in his room after dinner. Usually, he had the whole apartment to himself around this time. Or so he thought as for today. Yin Yu could feel Hua Cheng loitering about the hall, doing nothing in particular, which was very much unlike him, fidgeting and staring at the back of his head. He let him be. As long as he does not harm himself, Yin Yu wouldn't interfere. He was nno one to interfere.
Silently he continued.
Hua Cheng did not know how to say what he had to say. So he grabbed a dish cloth, went up and stood next to Yin Yu to dry the dishes. Yin Yu gave a confused look but did not say anything.
"Ummm, Yin Yu?" Hua Cheng called slightly above the gush of the tap water.
"Yes Hua Cheng?" Yin Yu always responded.
"I...uhhh..." He sucked up a deep breath. And breathed out sharply, determined.
"Thank you."
Yin Yu's hands stopped and he just stared at the sink with wide confused eyes.
"What for?" He managed to ask, looking up at his... his friend? Were they friends? The Yin Family was in close association with the Hua Family, and it has been like that for years. But they weren't considered friends, just mare underling to do what the Hua wished them to. Hua Cheng had always been different though, ever since they were children. He might act cold, and indifferent, but deep inside he cared. He did not show it, but he did.
For helping me out, for letting me in here, getting me into college, forcing me to eat at least twice a day, keeping up with my tantrums and not losing your temper on me...
Hua Cheng wanted to thank him for so many things but he was pathetic. He felt his throat close into itself so much that it was difficult to breathe.
Almost choking on air he said in a low voice,
"For everything."
...
Yin Yu took time to register what he just heard. Before he could remain quiet for too long, "Wow..." Yin Yu set the dish down in the sink and the back of his hand shot up to touch Hua Cheng's forehead.
"You do not have a fever, do you?" He asked, allowing a cheeky tone in his speech.
"I say something good and you immediately make it worse." Hua Cheng grimaced, slapping his hand off.
"It is actually difficult to believe." Yin Yu laughed.
"You know what? Go fuck yourself!" Hua Cheng grumbled, biting back a silly smile which would definitely surface if he let his guard down.
"Yeah, I would rather take that as a thank you. You're welcome!" Yin Yu called back just before Hua Cheng's bedroom door slammed shut.
"GO AHEAD AND BREAK EVERYTHING!" He Xuan screamed from the depths of his own room.
"Idiot" Yin Yu sighed out, before breaking into another fit of laughter.