✨Do you love me so much that you're ready to be vulnerable?✨
I wake up to my phone vibrating under my pillow. Don't even see the caller ID that I accept the call "Hello?"
"Are you home?"
I pull the phone from my ear to look at the caller ID 'Harvey💙' and then put it back to my ear, hardly making sense of any sentences because that's how much high on sleep I was "W-w-what? Hello?" He asks again "Are you home?" I take in a deep breath and sit up, running my fingers through my hair "Why?"
"I need to see you. Please?"
Taking a second to carefully construct my answer, I end up saying "No."
He sighs "Please. Just let me see you."
"I'm telling you no."
"You either come downstairs and meet me at the cafe or I will come up and bang the door nonstop till you let me in."
"Jade is at home."
"I'll take the punch if I get to see you right now. Come down."
"Do whatever you want. I don't wanna talk to you."
"Fine. Just remember that this is all because you're being too stubborn right now."
"What?"
And then I hear the banging on the door. Scared that it'll wake Jade and Chloe up, I crawl out of bed and run to open the door.
His phone was at his ear as was mine. A deep purple bruise formed on his pale cheek. Eyes red with exhaustion. He looks down at me and I follow his gaze to realize I was in an oversized shirt and yellow panties with a sunflower right in the middle.
Clenching my thighs together, I ask "Is there a reason why you're bothering me at seven in the morning?" It takes a moment for his gaze to travel back to my face as he puts his phone inside the pocket of his jacket and asks "Can I come in?" I try to use Jade as an excuse again "You want me to wake up Jade?" He tilts his head with a blank expression that said he won't fall for that at all "We both know you won't, Lana. Let me in."
Sorry, Jade.
I open the door wide enough for him to walk in and he doesn't even look at the couch, making a beeline to my room. I sigh and follow him after closing the door.
Once I'm in, I close the door to my room and look at him with my arm crossed over my chest "What?"
What I don't expect is being pulled in his arm. One arm wrapped around my waist and the other hand cradled the back of my head against his chest. He says against my hair "I'm sorry. I know I had no right to be outside the building and just pull you into me. I was just scared, Lana." He pauses and I feel against my cheek how he fills his lungs with air and then sighs through his mouth "I know that you chose him and I know that your feelings for him are stronger than your feelings for me, but," I pull back to look up at him, his blue eyes glossy with tears "I don't want you to choose him. Call me selfish— call me a bastard... I love you, Lana." He takes my face between his large warm hands "Don't choose him. Don't believe whatever he says." I step away from his touch and ask "Is that why you're here? To pit me against him?" He shakes his head "No! Never."
"Then what is it that you two are hiding from me? The both of you constantly pit me against each other. Am I a toy? A prize?" I ask again "Am I a fucking prize to your fucked up pride?" He looks down and shakes his head, hands inside the pockets of his overcoat, clenched inside. My voice gets softer "What is it?"
"It's not my truth to tell, Lana."
"Then tell me your truth so I don't have to hear the twisted version from him. What does he have against you?"
"My truth."
"Tell me. Tell me now."
Shivers exited his mouth "If I tell you, you won't love me back anymore."
"Is keeping your truth hidden more precious than loving me? If it is, I don't want to be with a man who will hide things from me."
He sits on the corner of my bed. Elbows on his knees face buried in his hands. Cursing under his breath nonstop "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." He looks up and he's terrified. "Promise me that you won't judge me based on my past." I don't answer because I knew I wouldn't be honest enough. But I wait for him to continue "Why haven't you asked me about California?"
I remembered Mr. Blackstone telling Harvey he didn't want California to happen again. But it felt too personal to even ask him even when we were together.
"I thought you'll open up to me one day after we got together," I tell him. He nods and sighs "Here it goes." And stands up, grabbing me by the arms and making me sit on the corner of my bed. I watch him get on his knees between my legs as if it was a way to make sure I won't walk or run away.
He sighs again "I won't tell you Nicklaus' truth, but I will tell you mine. Years ago, we had some financial problems. We were on the verge of getting bankrupt. While I was in college, my father sent me to California to help with our branch there. He knew I could help and ask for help from others as much as I can. I busted my ass, working nonstop for four years." He gulps "I had an assistant. Her name was— is Sidney. I won't lie that I wasn't attracted to her. I was, but she was married. We were months away from closing down our LA branch and going bankrupt and I got drunk in my office. She helped me and then I..." he pauses with his head down in shame "I didn't take her against her will but I fucked her, making her think she wanted it too."
Manipulated her.
"I got her pregnant. Her husband left her after he found out even though he loved her so much. She came to me to tell me that she wanted to keep the baby and that I had a responsibility to take of her and the child. I was hardly twenty-two at that time. She was older. I got scared and told her that I'll pay her to keep it all quiet and will help her to abort the baby. After a week, she said she wanted to keep the baby and wanted me to support her financially. I said no." He takes a deep breath "She threatened to tell everyone so the business would go bankrupt if I don't marry her in a week. I got so scared that I dragged her and forcefully made her abort the baby. I didn't see her after that day. But a year later, I found out that it wasn't mine. It was her husband's. She lied that it was mine. I just wished I could've gotten her to get a test first before forcing her to kill it."
He sighs and presses his face against my thigh. Hiding from me. "I've never done anything bad in my life except for this and yet, the people that know, constantly judge me for this one thing. My mistake always outweighs the good things I try to do. Always."
There was some part that didn't make him bad but there were some that didn't make him good either.
He looks up at me and asks "Will you judge me by my mistake too now?" I pull my bottom lip between my teeth and shake my head. He tilts his head and asks again "Will my mistake make you love me less?" I shake my head again. He paused looking at me with hurt in his eyes "Why are you looking at me like that?" I take in a breath and then speak "Because you're the most beautiful man on this planet." He smiled.
When he tried to pin a kiss on my lips, I backed away and tell him as gently as I could "I didn't say that to give you an invitation, Harvey."
"Do you love him more than me?"
It took me a moment to realize that I didn't know who I loved more. I've been in love with Nicklaus for eight years but my feelings for Harvey are just as strong in these five months. "I don't know, Harvey. I don't know if I love him more than you or if I love you more than him. I just know that I do love you. That's all I can say." He nods and sniffs, wiping the tear before it even falls "If it is that way— choose me, Lana. Choose me instead of him. Love me more than him. Be with me rather than him."
"Harvey—"
"I know. I know it's not easy and I won't ever make it fucking easy. I won't back off. I won't be the good guy. I won't compromise. When it comes to you, I cannot compromise. I can leave everything but you. Not you" He takes both my hands and turns them palm up. "This is where I'm leaving it— my heart, I'm leaving it here. Play with it, tear it apart, break it, burn it up— I don't fucking care but keep it. I don't care in what condition, just keep it because I won't be giving it to another. Ever. This is yours to fuck with. I'm yours to fuck with." I was too frozen to speak that I didn't even pull back from the light peck he puts on my bottom lip and then stands up, walking out without looking back or saying another word. He just walks out of the apartment, closing the door behind him.
I huff fighting back tears that threaten to come out.
I hear the door again and look up in hopes to find Harvey back but it's Chloe in Jade's shirt. One eye is open and the other shut with half-sleep. Her voice is groggy as she asks "Was that Harvey?" I nod and look down at my hands. The heart he left in them. Even though I know my hands are empty, I know it's all metaphoric— I can't help but feel the weight of it in my palms.
"You okay?" Chloe asks and I nod without looking up "I'm fine. I think." She walks into my room to sit beside me and wraps her arms around me, pulling me to her and letting me rest my head on her chest "You wanna talk about it?" I shake my head and sniff.
Damn it. The damn tears.
She still urges "Talk to me, Lana. The more you keep it in, the more it will hurt. I promise you that."
"Am I a bad person?" I pause after saying that. Waiting for her to react but she was still as a statue. No movement from her except how she inhaled and exhaled. I ask again "Am I a bad person, Chloe?"
Pulling back from her arms, I ask "Can we just pretend for two minutes that you're not related to Nick or Harvey. That you're my best friend. Can we pretend that you're on my side just for two minutes?" She runs her long red manicured fingers through my hair and smiles "I'm always on your side, Alana."
It was hard to believe. They were her brothers for crying out loud.
"You're not a bad person. You're just stuck in a very weird situation that only feels good in stories." She says whilst playing with my hair. I gather up the courage "If I ask you something will you tell me?" She nods and I go in for the blow "Why are they against each other so much?" Her body goes stiff and her fingers in my hair stop "I don't think I can tell you that, Lana." I grab her hands between mine and press them close to my chest "I'm tired, Chloe. I need to know."
"You need to know so you can choose?"
"No, I need to know the truth. I'm done being their goat that they keep stealing just so they can win at something. I'm tired. I need to know."
It takes her a moment to think and then she asks "How much do you know about them?"
"Only about California." She nods upon hearing it from my mouth "You really wanna know?"
"Please."
She stands up and closes the door. Pacing around in my room, she starts "My family is fifty shades of fucked up. Too many heartbreaks and too many problems. But know that my parents love us all equally. Even if Nick says otherwise, my dad loves him." She takes in a deep breath "Here we go."
••••••
SWIPE UP!
Love, Hope
♥️♥️