Evander
The next few days are absolute hell.
Not only are we here in the state of Nevada—a desert with weather that is almost never predictable, with these past few nights being nothing but rain and thunder and a bit of lightning, enabling my ability to go practically anywhere that isn't in this damn casino—I've been left completely alone with no one to comfort me but myself. And of course, if I'm alone with nothing surrounding me but silence, my brain inevitably begins to pester me over dumb shit.
The rest of Sunday—after I finally realized my feelings for Nya—all I could do was pace around my room, trying to convince myself that it had to be something else, there had to be some other factor at play, that there was no fucking way on Earth that I could possibly have feelings for her of all people. And I could practically say the same for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.
All I could do was sit isolated in my room, basking in my own denial in hopes that it would come true. Hell, I even tried to use the fact that I haven't really known her long to help convince myself. But my wishes of hoping, begging the universe for me not to like her never came true.
I couldn't stop thinking about her and I, what things could be like, what they have been like, what I want things to be like—I almost swear that I'm on the borderline of insanity for thinking about it for so long.
As fucking embarrassing as it is to say it, I've never had romantic feelings for anyone before, and I have never been in any sort of romantic relationship. Sure, when I was a horny teenager going through puberty there were plenty of women who I had small crushes on, maybe even a little fling with some, but those feelings and relationships are nothing compared to what I feel now.
I realize that the reason I was so confused about it at first—after her and I had just barely met and were beginning to work together on this assignment—was because I didn't have anything to compare these feelings to, anything to help me understand them. And of course, with the unknown comes fear; I couldn't help but be afraid and self-conscious about them.
But now that I've really let myself sit and think about it, I've finally realized what seems to be true, and I can't believe it's taken me this long to figure out.
I had always heard things in movies, shows, maybe even books about what romantic attraction actually feels like, and after connecting the dots I finally opened my eyes—as well as my mind—to finally accept what I've basically known all along, even though all this time I've wanted nothing but to avoid any type of confrontation with it.
I like her. Like, really like her.
Not just some bullshit like wanting to be her friend, or just wanting to hook up, solely finding her body pretty, thinking that her physical attributes are what attract me to her. No, I want to be more than just her friend, more than just a coworker.
I don't want to hook up with her just because I like how her pussy feels, or the fact that she has what I dare to say is a perfectly sculpted body, but because I want to be intimate with her. I want to feel her bare skin against mine, her soft lips against mine, to feel every beat of her heart, her body heat radiate against me, the tickle of her hair as her curls brush against my skin, listen to her angelic moans that acknowledge how good I can make her feel.
Even then, I don't want to be close with her just for the sex, either. I want to do things any normal "couple" would do; shit like watching movies, cuddling—which I guess we've already done, but not for the reasons and intentions that I would want—going out on simple drives, and dumb shit like that.
Speaking of cuddling, the fact that every night has been nothing but thunder and rain, I'm surprised I haven't found Nya sneaking into my room at all, no matter how much I wish she did. I would give anything to go back to that night, just to feel her body pressed up against mine, to be able to hold her so closely that I'm able to smell the coconut in her hair, so that I'm able to feel the smoothness of her skin. God, how I wish she did come into my room these nights just so we can do that again.
But I know she regretted coming into my room at all that night, and I know she wouldn't let it happen again. The only reason I haven't brought it up since is because I don't need any reasons for her to be angry with me, not when our relationship—at the moment—is fairly peaceful.
And now—on a Thursday afternoon around 2 p.m.—here I lay on my bed in my hotel room, watching the sun struggle to shine through the gray clouds as I take a deep sigh, acknowledging the fact that there is no more denial flowing through my veins. I've come to accept these feelings—how I'll go about dealing with them is another problem, another problem that I don't have the energy to deal with today.
Just then I remember the fact that Sam had texted me a couple hours after our phone call that Sunday morning, but I never really got around to responding or even looking at what he sent. I know that he probably knows the reason I haven't called or texted him these past few days is because of all this shit I've been thinking about—he's never been one to take things personally, even in scenarios where he probably should.
I decide that having four days of just moping around my room is enough, so I sit upright and reach for my phone, unlocking it and opening his message.
"Look man, didn't mean to push. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was forcing you into thinking something that isn't true. If you don't like the girl, then you don't like the girl. That's all there is to it. Hope you aren't mad. Get back to me when you can."
A small smile tugs at my lips at reading my best friend's oddly empathetic message, and knowing that he's probably been dwelling over this for the past few days I begin typing a small paragraph, but eventually decide I'd rather just call him and break the news to him that way.
The phone doesn't even get the chance to ring a third time before he picks up, and on his end I'm able to faintly hear him telling someone to give him a second and stepping away into what I assume is another room.
"I was starting to get worried." Sam shuts a door in the background.
"No need. You know I can handle my own."
"Yeah."
Silence crosses the line for a few moments, and just as I'm about to speak up—assuming that he isn't—he interrupts my thoughts by speaking anyway.
"I'm sorry if I upset you, Evander. I know I can be really fucking pushy sometimes. I really did think you liked Saniya but I guess I might've been seeing things that just weren't there. You read my text, yeah?"
"Yes I did, and I accept your apology," I pause, "even though it was unnecessary."
"What do you mean?" Confusion, expectancy, and interest immediately laces through his voice.
"You were right."
"I was right? About what?"
I smile and roll my eyes, surprised he hasn't connected the dots by now.
"About me liking Nya."
He doesn't speak right away, but when he does I can hear the excitement in his voice.
"No fucking way. Are you kidding? You better not just be playing a prank on me or something because I fucking swear—"
"I'm not joking. I like her."
"And it took you this long to realize? Holy fuck Evander. I've been telling you this ever since you started your assignment." He laughs.
"I know, I know. Like you said last time we talked—I was just in denial. I didn't actually fully accept it until today, like a few minutes ago."
"Well, I'm proud of ya'." He pauses, "So when are we going on a double date, then?"
I'm unable to tell if his question is rhetorical, or if he actually means it, but it brings something else to my attention.
"Does that mean that you and Jacob are official?"
"No. Still haven't really figured out how I should go about that. But this isn't about me right now. What about you? When're you gonna ask her out?"
I stay silent, unsure how to respond.
Finding out I like her is one thing, but I never even took a single moment to think about what I'm going to do now.
Should I just leave things as they are between me and her? Should I keep hiding my feelings like I've been doing this entire time and hope that she doesn't realize or find out?
And if I were to tell her, what guarantees that she won't be repulsed at knowing that I want to be more than just a casual hook up to her? How do I know that she won't be so disgusted that she'll never want to speak or merely look at me again? How do I know she won't try to—literally—kill me after I've told her, knowing that any small hint of feelings could compromise this entire assignment?
But, what if those scenarios aren't the ones that come true? Even though it's the least likely—I might even say impossible—scenario, what if . . . she ends up telling me that she feels the same? That she wants to be more than just fuck-buddies and coworkers? What if she tells me that she's been hiding her feelings from me too? Is there even any possibility that we would end up . . . together?
"I'll take your silence as an 'I don't know'." Sam interrupts my thoughts with his words, a small chuckle of his following soon after. "Look, no pressure. Plus, it's kind of hypocritical of me to be asking shit when I haven't even made much of a move either."
Just then I hear a knock on my room door, leading me to give my best friend a quick, "hold on," before I walk over and turn the knob. When I do, I find the woman who I've been thinking about these entire past few days to be standing right in front of me, seeing her for the first time in what's felt like years, even though it's only been mere days, making my heart skip a beat.
My mouth opens as I attempt to speak, but find my mind completely wiped of all thought as I stare down at her, my heart only picking up its pace as she does nothing but stare back with a slight trace of confusion now spread across her features.
"Sam, I'll call you back." I use my thumb to press the power button on my phone twice, ending the call before bringing my phone away from my ear and putting it in the pocket of my shorts.
Nya's eyes quickly skim over my face before she opens her mouth to speak. "I'm gonna go shopping for clothes for the party. I looked at the weather and it's gonna be cold as shit Saturday night. Thought maybe you'd wanna go get something warm to wear, too?"
I don't respond right away, my mind too distracted as I now let my gaze run down her body, letting me admire her simple, yet adorable attire of some black sweats and a white tank-top, the fabric see through enough that I'm able to see the plain black bra she wears underneath. When I look further down I see that she's wearing an absolutely adorable pair of fuzzy gray slippers, the shoes not matching her persona in the slightest, but the contrast making my lips turn up into a small smile anyway.
She seems to notice me scanning her body—not that I should be too surprised considering I didn't even try to hide it—but instead of calling me out on it she simply crosses her arms, almost comically, to get my attention.
I half-expect to see a glare on her face when I look back up, but instead find her to have a small smile tugging at her lips as well, along with a slightly raised brow.
I bring a hand up and wrap it around the back of my neck, trying my best to not act flustered.
"Sorry, what'd you say?"
She chuckles, but not in a way that's meant to make fun of me.
"I said, do you want to go shopping with me? Y'know, for the party?"
"Oh, right. Yeah, I'll go, just give me a minute to change."
It's really only when I say those words I remember I'm wearing nothing but my basketball shorts, leaving my torso completely exposed to the cold air. I haven't minded being half naked all that much until now, feeling slightly self-conscious as her eyes scan over my chest and then down my stomach, her gaze causing butterflies to flutter throughout what feels like my entire body.
"Good idea."
With that she turns around and walks back to her room, walking in and shutting the door behind her.
I try my best not to act like a fucking child excited to go somewhere as I quickly throw on a warm pair of plain gray sweats and decide that there isn't really a need for me to wear a shirt, instead putting on a black zip-up hoodie before finally putting on my Converse. Once dressed, I grab my phone and my room key, putting both things in my pocket before opening my door, locking and shutting it behind me.
A small wave of hesitation flows through my body as I walk up to her door, but eventually I bring my hand up and knock three times, before stepping back to give her room when she decides to come out. When she opens the door the first thing I notice is that she's pulled her dark curls up into a messy bun at the top of her head, two smaller pieces left out to hang down the sides of her face. I also see that she's still wearing the same tank top and sweats, although she's changed her slippers for her own Converse and now she's wearing a zip-up hoodie almost exactly like mine, except her's is a darker gray color and she's left the zipper open.
In her hand is the keys to the rental car along with her phone, and once she shuts her room door behind her she begins walking towards the elevator. I of course follow, and once we're in the small lift I notice her decision of pressing the public underground garage floor button.
"Isn't the car out front?"
She glances over at me, seemingly hesitating to respond but doing so anyway.
"I went to the bank yesterday and left it in the garage instead. I didn't want to deal with always walking through the crowds in the casino just to get to the car."
"You went to the bank?"
"Laurence sent me money. I went to cash it out."
"Oh."
I can't help but feel slightly skeptical of her answer, but I decide against pushing it any further, not wanting to ruin the current peace between us.
When the elevator door opens we're greeted by the eerie silence of the underground parking garage filled with surprisingly few vehicles, but before I really get the chance to have a look around Nya is already walking to where I now notice our BMW is parked. I follow her as she opens the driver side door and sits down, leading me to walk to the other side and open the door, sitting in the passenger seat.
Once both doors are shut, we put on our seatbelts and she turns on the car, but doesn't begin to back out of the parking space just yet. Instead, she pulls out her phone and sets up directions to take us to . . . wherever the hell we're going.
"Nya?"
"Hm?"
She places her phone down in one of the cupholders and puts the car in reverse, backing out of the parking space before putting the car in drive, beginning to drive us towards where numerous signs say the exit is.
"Where are we going?"
"A mall."
"And what style clothing do we need?"
"The party is formal."
We finally reach the exit of the parking garage that leads us out to the main street in front of the casino. Nya puts the turn signal before turning left, following the directions her phone gives.
"So, we're getting formal attire at a shopping mall?"
She slightly raises an eyebrow. "It's a 'rich people' mall, Evander. They'll have what we need."
I don't say anything in response, not really knowing nor feeling that there's anything I should say after that.
But unlike all other times we've been in this car together, I notice that right now I don't feel any tension in the air. I don't feel any unease between us like there usually is when we're alone in a confined space. Even with the near pure silence—save for the sound of cars and horns and the rain trickling on the roof of the car—it doesn't at all feel awkward just sitting here next to her. If anything, it just feels serene, even warm, just sitting here in pure silence. At least, that's how I see it.
I doubt she feels the same, given the way I can tell she avoids looking at me, the way her hands slightly tremble and grip the steering wheel so tight that her knuckles turn lighter, but I decide to not dwell on it. Instead, I let my body and my brain enjoy that warmth she brings whenever she's around, though I'd be lying if I said I wasn't both confused and slightly saddened by her anxious reaction to being in such a confined space with me.
Deciding that the silence between us—though I don't mind it—isn't helping this strange anxiousness I can tell she's feeling, I reach forward and press a button on the head unit of the car to turn on the radio, and immediately I see her glance over at me with slight confusion.
"What're you doing?"
My fingers fumble with the knobs as I change through various channels, before eventually landing on one that seems to be a classic rock channel, given by the fact that "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses now plays over the speakers.
"Listening to some music, if that's fine with you?"
A smile spreads across my lips, and soon enough she gives me a quick glance, a smile of her own following soon after.
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A/N:
Two weeks!!! I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I've updated 😭 I've honestly just been procrastinating and I'm not really sure why, but this will be the first update I post during my summer vacation.
I promise I WILL be updating more often. My motivation for writing this story has miraculously come back to me, and I've actually been eager to begin writing the next one, especially since it'll be a cute chapter filled with Evan and Nya doing normal couple activities, even though they aren't one (yet😉).
Anyway, hope y'all enjoy this one. And again, sorry for such the long wait for this one. Promise it won't happen again lmaoooo.
Check out my TikTok: @ randowholikestoread