"Cats gravitate to kitchens
like rocks gravitate to gravity."
― Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad
55. Aye!
Through clouds of smoke, Kat watched the guests arrive with a sinking feeling. Who had invited the darn king and queen? If she had known, she would certainly not have decided on a barbecue for a bachelor/bachelorette party.
"You are burning them," said Legolas unhelpfully, looking over her shoulder.
"Did you tell Aragorn to come?" she hissed.
"I should not have?"
"You could at least... but never mind. Done is done. Just go away."
"Never." He hugged her from behind and kissed her cheek, making her smile and forget her nervousness. Since Legolas proposed he had hardly left her side, and had refused to have a bachelor's party unless they had one together.
"Get a room." Chuckling, Gimli joined them. "This smells good," he added.
"You like sooty sausages?" asked Legolas.
"Ach, yes, then you know they're well done."
"Do you want help?" Sam had also gravitated towards the fire, and looked to be itching to take over.
"Yes please!" Kat gratefully gave him the tongs.
"Meoww!" Two more guests had arrived: the tomcat and a pretty cat lady, a blue-eyed Siamese.
"The Stillness Before Dawn says he has forgiven you for becoming human," Legolas translated. "This is the new love of his life. Meet Miss Rooftop Hunter."
A while later they sat cross-legged on the blankets Kat and Legolas had prepared in the garden, munching on Sam's delicious chips served with Kat's burned sausages and dry excuses for burgers, while the cats loudly begged for tidbits and got more than they could eat.
Kat shyly glanced at the King of Gondor, but he actually seemed to like the food. Maybe becoming king hadn't changed him that much; deep down he was still Strider the Ranger, glad of any meal he could get his hands on.
The fine ladies Arwen and Éowyn proved to be quite normal too, and a bit surprisingly they both liked beer, almost on a par with Gimli. After seeing the queen empty a mug, wipe the froth from her delicate lips and burp discreetly, Kat's initial awkwardness completely disappeared.
Leaning her head on Legolas' broad shoulder, she reveled in the bliss of being in good company, pleasantly sated and madly in love.
"So... This is what people eat in your world?" asked Pippin, his mouth full of mixed foods. With various success he had tried barbequing slices of bread, a walnut, an unripe lemon, rosebuds and a block of cheese.
"If you like, I can make you pizza another time," Kat offered.
"Describe a pizza," asked Frodo.
"It is flat bread with tomato sauce, ham, cheese and other things. Just do not put fruit on it. That is a no-no."
"I like fruit," said Pippin. "If you make me a pizza I shall put... Hm. What goes with ham and cheese? Oh, I know. Pineapple!"
"I pretend I did not hear that."
"Ham and pineapple sounds like a terrible combination," said Merry, lighting up his pipe. "Typical of Pippin to think of it."
But Pippin had already left to barbecue a carrot, joining Sam who was baking potatoes whole in the hot coals, and making a new batch of sausages – perfectly grilled, this time.
Sam had taken to barbecuing like a natural. If he had been living in her old world, Kat figured he would have been one of those men who barbecue every day, owning five grills of different types and sizes, and flooding their social media with pictures of food.
The thought made her look at the others and imagine how they would have been. Pippin would probably just love to eat a lot of cheap hotdogs and burgers, with a bag of marshmallows for dessert. Merry would be more fancy with his barbecue, mincing his own meat for the burgers and topping them with pickled red onion and chili mayonnaise. And Frodo could be that vegan friend who persuades everyone to try his grilled zucchini and bean burgers.
Legolas ruffled her hair. "What are you grinning about?"
She retaliated by giving him a kiss in front of everyone. If living in her world, Legolas would probably not own any grill at all, favoring little back alley restaurants from obscure countries and getting on a first name basis with their owners.
"I like this custom with a more relaxed party before the wedding," said Faramir. He was resting his back against the wall, one arm around Éowyn.
"Thank you! It was Legolas' idea that we should do everything like they do weddings in my world."
Nellas said something in Sindarin and snickered, and whatever it was made Legolas blush hotly.
"She says she can understand why Legolas prefers human customs over elvish customs," Boromir translated.
"Why?" Kat curiously turned to look at her fiancé, but he had suddenly gone over to help Sam with the sausages.
Nellas helpfully explained – this time in Westron, and quite loudly too: "Because our people are usually engaged for a year before we marry, and he probably doesn't want to wait that long to have [a word Kat didn't recognize] with you."
"Say that word again," said Kat smugly. "It seems like one useful to know."
ʕ(ᵔ ‿ ᵔ)ʔ ʕll'o _ o'llʔ
The wedding was small and simple, held in one of the many halls of the citadel with their closest friends gathered, and with Gandalf as officiant, Nellas as bridesmaid and Gimli as best man. Continuing to follow Kat's traditions from her homeland, nobody 'gave her away' at the wedding; instead she walked in on Legolas' arm. They would give each other to each other.
When they arrived at the table that served as altar, Gandalf smoothed out a paper and solemnly read the words Kat had tried to remember and translate from the Swedish Church ceremony. She had only ever been to Protestant weddings, but figured God probably wouldn't mind the slight difference. In addition there was no word for God in Westron, but after conferring with Legolas she had decided the creator he honored must be the same God she believed in, and thus used that name.
"Before Eru Ilúvatar and in the presence of these witnesses, I ask you, Katharina Johansson: do you want to take Legolas Greenleaf to be your husband and love him for better or worse?"
"Yes!"
"Before Eru Ilúvatar and in the presence of these witnesses, I ask you, Legolas Greenleaf: do you want to take Katharina Johansson to be your wife and love her for better or worse?"
"Aye!"
"Now let these witnesses hear your vows."
Legolas took Kat's hand and looked at her with eyes brimming with love. "Katharina Johansson, I love you. I will share happiness and sorrow with you, and be faithful to you until death do us part."
Kat's voice shook when it was her turn, and as usual she couldn't hold back her tears. "Legolas Greenleaf, I love you," she sniffled. "I will share happiness and sorrow with you, and be faithful to you until death do us part."
After they had exchanged the rings, Gandalf pronounced Legolas and Kat husband and wife, and then the short ceremony was over.
She looked at the smooth, golden band on her finger and had to suppress an urge to pinch herself. This was for real. She was a married woman now!
"Aw... Beautiful. Just beautiful." Gimli blew his nose in a huge handkerchief. "Congratulations, my dear lad. I'm so happy for you both!"
It was time for the exit music, and a group of Minas Tirith musicians began to play a merry tune. Baffled, Kat turned to Legolas. "Did you teach them that?"
Grinning impishly he nodded. "It was not easy."
Thus the newlyweds walked out to the tunes of Despacito. And there was much rejoicing.
ʕ(ᵔ ‿ ᵔ)ʔ ʕll'ᵔ‿ᵔ'llʔ
Kat couldn't remember much of the banquet in the garden afterwards; everything blended together in a patchwork of sunshine and tears and speeches and love and flowers and smiling friends, and all she knew was how happy she was. Beginning today, she was Legolas' wife and he was her husband for the rest of their lives.
They left the celebration early and went to her house. Legolas easily picked her up and carried her over the threshold, setting her down on her bed. Their bed now.
He bolted the door and joined her. "So. What happens now?"
Kat smiled naughtily. "Now we do [the word she learned from Nellas] together."
This time he didn't blush. "I like that suggestion." He moved closer, catching her gaze and holding it. "I hope you do not tire easily. I intend this night to be memorable."
Kat's heart beat faster in anticipation. The open desire in Legolas' eyes was more arousing than anything he could have said; just by looking at her like that he made her want to tear her clothes off and beg him to take her without delay.
Instead she melted into his arms and kissed him deeply, allowing him to slowly peel her white dress and chemise off while at the same time helping him unbutton his elegant coat and remove his shirt and hose.
When there were no annoying garments left between them they lay skin against skin, kissing and touching and mumbling sweet words in each other's ears until the sun set.
"It is time," mumbled Legolas hoarsely. "Time for the real wedding."
Then finally he joined her completely and they became one body.
In the middle of Kat's joy, desire, and the newness of feeling him that way, she suddenly heard a tiny voice in her head, a mere breath of a whisper.
I love you, Kat.
Meeting his gaze with wonder, Kat focused her thought back to him: I heard that.
His eyes widened in surprise and she heard him again, a bit stronger, but still much weaker than when she was a cat. Really? Can you hear this?
I do. She suddenly grinned. Oh, my God. This is gonna be so much fun!
He kissed her, laughing against her lips. It certainly will.
Then he began to move over her and it became impossible for Kat to speak or even think coherently.
ʕ(ಠ ‿ ಠ)ʔ ʕll'ಠ‿ಠ'llʔ
"What is this?" Kat moved the breakfast tray to the side and curiously turned the little box this way and that.
Though they had experimented a bit with their newfound mental communication during the night, she found it less tiresome to speak verbally – and after the wedding night they had just shared she was quite exhausted.
"A morning gift. You said it is customary in your world."
She smiled with pleasant surprise. "I did not expect you to give one." She opened the box, but when she discovered what was inside it soon started to look misty through her tears. "Oh, Legolas... You made a new," she sniffed.
"Let me put it on." He took out the object on its thin gold chain and fastened it around Kat's neck.
When she looked down at the oval wood pendant, she met a pair of carved cat eyes in her former cat face, complete with one ear missing. It was beautiful.
"Thank you. You are the best husband in the world."
"Anything for the best wife of two worlds."
/\_ ,._ ,.
( * ᆽ * )
That summer the Fellowship ended at long last, as most of its members prepared to leave Minas Tirith. The hobbits would ride with Gandalf to Isengard and then return to their home in the Shire and live out their days in peace, while Legolas and Kat would travel with Gimli for a while in a combined honeymoon and vacation.
The day they parted, a red-eyed Pippin hugged Kat's thighs. "I'm still a knight of Gondor so I will return whenever the king calls me. So don't forget you owe me a pizza."
"I will make one every day when you visit me in Ithilien," she promised, wiping her nose. "I might even add pineapple."
"But you must visit the Shire too," said Frodo.
"I want to show you my garden," Sam agreed.
"And my collection of pipes," added Merry.
Gandalf surprised Kat with giving her a long hug as well. "I will not see you again in this life, but I should not be surprised if we meet in the next one," he murmured cryptically. "Go in peace! I will not say 'do not weep', for not all tears are an evil."
It was a bit easier to say goodbye to Nellas, Boromir and Aragorn, because Legolas and Kat had only planned to stay away for a few months before they returned to Ithilien.
"Have fun," said Nellas. "Have a lot of [that word]."
"I will," smirked Kat. "And you too!"
"Certainly." She gave Boromir a hungry look.
ʕ(ಠ ‿ ಠ)ʔ
"...and this here is a stalactite, which is what we call the formations coming down from the ceiling, and... are you even listening? Hey! Where did you go?"
"We were just admiring a stalactite behind that corner," said Legolas, smoothing down his tunic.
"It was lovely," Kat agreed, trying to calm her breathing.
"Get a room," Gimli grumbled.
Then they arrived at the central cave hall with the amazing pool and glittering walls and they fell silent, admiring the sparkling panorama with awe.
"Well? What say you?" asked Gimli after a long time.
"I find no words," Legolas admitted, still not taking his eyes from the dazzling view.
Gimli chuckled, patting his back. "Never before has a dwarf claimed a victory over an elf in a contest of words. Now therefore let us go to Fangorn and set the score right!"
_- - -_
ʕ ಠ‿ಠ ʔ
\\ \ / //
"...and that way leads to Laurelindórenan, hoom-hoom, which is the road you must take if... Hoom? Where did the elf and the young human go?"
"They will be back soon, I'm sure," muttered Gimli.
"Oh? They should get a room, hoom."
"Indeed, they should."
_- - -_
ʕ ಠ_ಠ ʔ
\\ \ / //
"You did what?" The tall elf hastily rose from his throne, nearly dropping his crown of summer berries and leaves. Pink spots had appeared on his alabaster cheeks.
"I think you heard me," said Legolas calmly, though Kat felt his fingers tremble against hers.
After staring at him for a long time, the Elvenking flopped back onto his seat. "You left on a quest without my permission. Married a mortal. Agreed to establish a new settlement far away from here. And befriended a dwarf? All this, in just one year. I am speechless."
"That seems to summarize matters correctly, aye."
Gimli broke the ensuing, rather awkward silence. "Your home is marvelous!" He swept out his hands, indicating the grandiose throne room. "O king, only once have I witnessed a fairer delved cavern. I am grateful to have lived to see this wondrous place and shall treasure the memory always."
"Well." King Thranduil still seemed a bit at a loss for words. "You certainly have greater sense and manners than your father, Gimli son of Glóin." Then he turned his sharp eyes to Kat, and with some difficulty she forced herself to meet them instead of looking at her feet. "So, you are my son's wife. Tell me a little about yourself, if you please."
"Um, I am Katharina Greenleaf. I, eh, teach children. Or used to. I also used to be a cat but changed back. Now I am a wife. To him. Your son, that is. Uh. He is the nicest elf I know, and so handsome. I see where he gets it from. And also, I love him."
"I see. You–" He broke off as he managed to puzzle her ramblings together. "You were a cat?"
"It is a long story," Legolas cut in. "I will tell you later." He glanced at the courtiers lining the room. "In private."
"Please do. I have never heard anything of that ilk."
I think he has forgiven me, thought Legolas. He likes you.
Really? He seems quite angry to me, Kat replied nervously.
Just wait. Soon he will start planning a party to celebrate the wedding.
Steepling his long fingers, crowded with expensive-looking rings, the Elvenking regarded the odd trio for a while before speaking again. "I assume you passed through Lothlórien on your way here?"
"We did," Legolas replied.
"Then you have heard the news of our achievements while you were gone."
"I have. You cleansed the forest of Sauron's last minions." He suddenly grinned. "I am proud to be your son."
"You should be." The king's lips twitched. "Now, I am thinking that our victory over the Dark Lord, as well as the marriage of my only son, are cause for a grand celebration. Do you not agree?"
Ha! Told you so.
,./\.,/\.,/\.,
ʕll * ‿ * llʔ
Leading a tired Arod loaded with plants, wine barrels, huge clothes chests and other necessities that Legolas' father had insisted they must take with them, Kat and Legolas returned to Gondor several weeks later. There they took leave of Gimli, but not for long, for he would soon be back with his own people to rebuild Minas Tirith and Osgiliath.
When they came to their new home forest, Legolas stopped in front of a wood cabin overlooking the river.
"Oh! It is such a lovely house. How did you do this? We have been away all this time..."
"I arranged it with Aragorn before we left, but it is only temporary. I plan to build you a much bigger house later." His face became mischievous. "It will be on a talan in the tallest tree of the forest," he deadpanned.
"A tree! Are you serious?"
"Of course not." He pulled her close. No heights for my little human.
Thank God. I have had enough of them to last me a lifetime.
"Time to carry you over the threshold again." He picked her up. "Oof. You have gained weight at my fathers' table." He smoothly evaded her attempt to pinch his ear.
The room inside was dominated by a huge four-poster bed.
Dibs on the right side, thought Kat, quickly claiming it.
"My side of the bed will be wherever you are, adanig nín." He lay on top of her. "I am yours now, remember? For better or worse, until death do us part."
Kat threw her arms around him. "Oh, I love you. Finally we are alone."
"Aye. No dwarves, no ents, no parents. And we even have a room."
"Just us."
"Just us."
"Perfect." Kat kissed him soundly on the lips. "Let us have [that word]!"
And so they did.
A/N:
Before I must leave these two cinnamon rolls for good, there will be a short epilogue... Thank you for your patience and for the support along the way! This story would not have been finished if not for you guys... Reader support – comments/favorites/kudos/votes etc depending on the site I post on – is the most effective fuel for my muse! :D Lots of love! ❤️
Image Credits:
From Afshan Azad's Instagram (the actress who played Padma Patil in Harry Potter)