A/N IM BACK HEY!!! episode 4 is "you who cannot see, think of those who can" tw: s/h
Love.
It's kind of a shitty thing, to be honest. Like, who decided that, without any control over it, we could fucking fall for someone and be completely wrapped up in them, regardless of whether or not they love us back.
Definitely some asshole- maybe not a douche sitting in the clouds, watching everyone suffer, but definitely an asshole.
Sometimes, though, that never ending spiral of unreturned affection is broken. And maybe, that deciding factor might just be Eleanor and Fezco.
But something else I've learned is that everyone has secrets, secrets that can fucking tear a relationship apart. Unless, just maybe, that relationship is strong enough. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
"Elle. I love you to death, bitch, but you have to fucking tell me if you don't want him to come," Maddy groaned, leaning her head against Eleanor's bed as Eleanor sighed. "I told you, it really is fine. It's your party," Eleanor replied, flopping down next to Maddy.
"He's literally your ex. Fuck, he's my ancient ass ex too. And even though you won't tell me what the fuck happened with you guys, I know shit went down," Maddy said, looking Eleanor in the eyes. "I promise, it's fine. We just- didn't work out."
And even though Nate had done a lot worse then Eleanor had let on, she really was okay with him coming.
She had never felt happier or more secure in her relationship with Fezco. And fuck it, a small part of her definitely wanted to show Nate how truly better she was without him.
"Fine," Maddy exhaled, moving on to another subject. "Cassie's literally been so fucking weird every time I talk about my party. And it's when I mention Nate, like what the actual fuck?"
"Cassie has been really off lately," Eleanor replied, thinking back to the bathroom encounter where she had freaked out. "God, I fucking know! I don't know what the fuck she's on," Maddy grumbled.
Eleanor just listened to Maddy ramble on- it was something that she liked about their relationship, how Maddy could go on for hours as Eleanor just listened. "And I know something happened with you and Fez. Something..." Maddy paused for suspense, as Eleanor raised a questioning eyebrow. "...Sexual!"
Maddy dissolved into her signature laugh, and Eleanor flushed. "I have no idea what you're talking about," she insisted, but her face was still red. How the actual fuck did Maddy know? Was it that obvious?
"Relax," Maddy giggled at the look of concern on Eleanor's face. "I just know because I'm an expert. I knew with McKay and Cass, with Kat after that party, and with BB, even though it happens like every single fucking week."
"This is so embarrassing," Eleanor wailed, covering her face with her hands. "Oh my god, tell me everything! I should have known from your stupid Instagram post," she exclaimed, turning to face the embarrassed Eleanor.
"I, um, maybe encouraged it?" she said softly, and Maddy's mouth dropped open. "You're fucking joking!!" she said, looking at Eleanor like she had never seen her before. "He arranged this super cute date, and then one thing led to another, and..." Eleanor trailed off, hiding her face once again.
"Oh my god, Elle. This is actually amazing," Maddy said in awe, wrapping her arms around Eleanor. "Your smothering me," she complained into Maddy's hair, but Maddy just laughed.
"I love you too, Elle. Your babies are gonna be so cute. Strawberry blondes!" Maddy teased, releasing Eleanor who glared at her. "I'm not going to get pregnant, thanks. Ash is already enough," she replied, and Maddy laughed again.
"You guys are so cute together," she sighed, laying her head down on Eleanor's lap. "If I'm not the maid of honor I'll actually fucking kill you."
Eleanor just shook her head, smiling to herself as she imagined getting married, and raising a family with Fezco. It was the perfect future, and even though she hadn't even finished high school yet, she felt herself wanting to believe that, just maybe, it could happen.
✧✧✧
Eleanor was uncomfortable, to say the least. The hot tub was too hot, she had drunk a lot more than she had meant to, and Nate's closeness to her was sucking all of the air out of the night, "Where's Cass?" Eleanor asked suddenly, noticing her disappearance finally.
"Speak of the devil," Nate said, looking up at the obviously way too drunk Cassie stumbling out to the hot tub in a too-small pink bikini. She fell into the hot tub, giggling as she grabbed onto Nate, who looked at her with disgust.
"Happy birthday," Cassie gushed, attempting to sit up but failing and falling back into the water again. "Thanks, Cass," Maddy exhaled, annoyed by how drunk Cassie was. "It's so fucken weird to see y'all together again," BB said, laying her head back and relaxing into the hot tub.
"Uh, I don't know about that," Eleanor said, scooting further away from Nate as Cassie watched, wide-eyed. "Whyyy?" Cassie mumbled, her voice high-pitched, and Eleanor raised an eyebrow. "Be-" Eleanor started, but Nate cut her off.
"That's not something Elle wants to happen again," he said, and Eleanor glared at him. She hated every time he called her that now.
BB kept talking about them, though, so Eleanor forced herself to ignore everyone, just looking at her phone while Maddy sighed. "Okay, I get it. Eleanor and Nate were cute. But we all know she's over him, so maybe we shouldn't be talking about it? It's not really Elle's fault that he's still fucking obsessed with her," Maddy huffed, and at that moment, Cassie retched, vomiting into the hot tub.
"Oh my god!" Eleanor exclaimed, desperately attempting to get out of the hot tub. "Ew, ew, ew," she groaned, pulling herself out of the water. She stood, shivering, covered in Cassie's vomit, as she cursed herself for coming to the party. She fucking loved Maddy, but this was turning out to be one of the worst nights in a long time.
"I'm going to go shower," she sighed, and with that, she walked, dripping, up the stairs to Cassie's room, where she promptly collapsed onto the bed before making it to the shower.
✧✧✧
"Oh, god," Eleanor grumbled as she smelled herself- the combination of flavored shots and Cassie's vomit mixed together in her hair. The night before had been literal hell- she had passed out in Cassie's room and woken up in the middle of the night next to the sobbing girl. And she had to walk home. Eleanor was quite officially done.
She sighed and entered her bathroom after grabbing a clean pair of clothes, and as she stepped out of her dress, she noticed the caking of dried blood covering it's sides. "Huh," she wondered aloud. Her last period had only been a week ago, and they were almost always evenly spaced apart. But when she looked down at her thighs, everything clicked back into place.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck!" she whispered, fighting back the lump in her throat that threatened to bring tears to her eyes. It had been so long. She was doing better. She was finally okay. But it was right in front of her, silently telling her that she was wrong. She. Wasn't. Better.
I was drunk. I didn't mean to, she thought frantically, walking out of the bathroom in only her shirt and panties to look for whatever she had used.
And sure enough, the blade that she had kept in her phone case was gone. The blade she had painstakingly pulled out from her first razor with a pair of tweezers, the blade that had been her only escape for so many years before-
Before Fezco. Before she had met him. But somehow, something happened the night before when she was too drunk to realize it, and the warning bells begun to ring deep inside Eleanor's brain.
Maddy.
She hadn't been off that morning, simply blowing her a kiss when Eleanor ran out to her car. But Maddy had a stronger tolerance than Eleanor, and she had only a few more drinks than her. If Maddy knew, Eleanor's facade was over.
The facade that she had so carefully crafted- perfect girl, quiet but unassuming. Happy.
And she had no reason to not be just that- happy. Her mother and stepdad didn't fight. Ethan wasn't a complete asshole. She hadn't even been unhappy in her relationship Nate, no matter what he did. But there was this hurt, an undeniable hurt that sat just under the blond surface of Eleanor. And in one moment, it could have all been shattered.
✧✧✧
Eleanor stepped out of the shower, eyes still puffy from her crying session as the hot water beat down on her back. She had a plan now- call Maddy and ask about the night before, and- probably cry again, if she was being honest with herself.
"Hey, Mads," Eleanor said into the phone. "Elle? You okay?" Maddy asked, voice slightly concerned. "Oh, yeah, I was just, um, wondering if anything weird happened last night?"
"I don't even fucking remember half of last night, except for Cassie going batshit crazy," Maddy laughed, and Eleanor felt herself relax. "I know, right? I get bad when I drink, but Jesus," she replied, letting out a sigh of relief.
After talking to Maddy for a few minutes, Eleanor hung up the phone and collapsed onto her unmade bed. Her head was pounding, her hangover still prominent. She took a moment, then, to think.
Eleanor had been clean for over a month, too busy distracting herself with Fezco and her friends. But Eleanor had learned that once she started, the comforting rush of pain was so hard to overcome. And she wasn't quite sure that she was strong enough to overcome it.
Shut up, Eleanor. You did it once, you can do it again, she thought, forcing herself off the bed to shower yet again, to force the thoughts out of her brain
For the hour and a half Eleanor spent in the hot shower, she tried to force any thoughts of what she had done out of her mind.
Once she was finished, though, and she fell back into her bed, the thoughts came rushing back. She felt stupid- stupid for doing it in the first place, stupid for still having the razor blade, stupid for the urges that fought to take over. Because even though she knew that she didn't want to, knew that she couldn't, something inside her did.
✧✧✧
Six days later, and Eleanor had successfully been avoiding everyone. Looking back on it, I'm sure she could have realized that it might not have been the best coping mechanism. Staying away from the things that helped you get better is actually kind of dumb. Sorry, Elle. Not that I exactly make better decisions.
Eleanor was trying her best not to be suspicious: she had convinced (or so she thought) all of her friends, Fezco included, that she had caught something. But surprisingly, Fez is a lot smarter than everyone gives him credit for. And that might just blow up in Eleanor's face.
"Hey, kid. Theres a boy at the door asking for you," Stephan announced from behind the white wood door to Eleanor's room, and she sat up abruptly, shutting her jewelry box and shoving it under the bed in one motion. "What?" she replied, pulling her pajama pants back up and cursing his timing.
"Looks like that one singer you're really into? With the red hair?" Stephan responded, and Eleanor froze. Why would Fez be at her house without even texting her? Why would Fez even be at her house? "Uh, I'll be right down," she called, standing up and shaking her hair out.
She walked past her stepdad and down the stairs, opening the front door with her eyebrow raised. "Hey?"
Fez looked her for a second, taking in the bags under her eyes and her messy hair. "You ain't been comin' around in a while, Elle," he said, looking her in the eyes. Her amused smile dropped, only to be replaced by a look of defense. "I've been sick," she muttered, looking down at her bare feet.
"You don't look good, Elle. You been sleeping?" He replied, ignoring her comment as she crossed her arms over herself. "I said I've been sick. So yeah, maybe I don't look amazing," she grumbled, looking back up at the blatant concern on his face. "You mind if I come in?" he asked, once again ignoring her hostility.
"My step- Stephan probably doesn't want you in my room," she replied, shifting nervously. "He seems chill, Elle. Jus' ask," Fez said, stepping past Eleanor and entering the house. Stephan was waiting inside, and when he saw Fezco he smiled. "Nice to meet you! I'm Stephan- Eleanor's been a little off lately, nice of you to come see her," he exclaimed, grabbing Fezco's hand and shaking it enthusiastically.
"I'm Fezco, Mr. Daley. You mind if we hang out in Elle's room? Door open, 'course," he reassured, shooting Stephan a gap-toothed smile despite his somber mood. "Go for it, Fezco. Call me Stephan, and it's nice to meet you again," Stephan smiled, and Eleanor shot him a glare from behind Fezco.
"Let's go, Elle," Fez said softly, and Eleanor stormed up the stairs ahead of him. "Teenagers," Stephan sighed, smiling at Fezco one last time before he disappeared up the stairs.
Fez took a seat on Eleanor's bed, pulling her next to him as she groaned. "Elle, ion know what's goin' on inside yo' head, but I ain't dumb. Somethin's up," Fez sighed, tracing shapes into Eleanor's back. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm perfectly fine," she exhaled, her body stiff as she played with a strand of her hair and avoided looking at Fezco.
"I know you better than that, Eleanor. You actin' different, even wit' yo fucking texts," he sighed, attempting to get her to look at him. Her eyes were still glued to her hands, though, and she began to nervously rub her nails together. "I'm fine, Fez. I- I'd tell you if something was wrong."
In that moment, all Eleanor wanted was to cry. To fall apart in his arms as he held her. But the hurt, the hurt buried deep inside of her refused to let her give in to any other sort of comfort.
"I- fuck it. I love you, Elle. It fuckin' hurts to see you hurtin' like this," Fez sighed, and Eleanor finally looked him in the eyes.
She wanted so badly to say it back. Fuck, she thought it. She did love him- but admitting that to herself was an escape from the pain. The pain that held her with a viselike grip. So she did something that she never thought she would do.
"You should go," she mumbled, pulling away from Fezco, who's face was now a mixture of hurt and confusion. She couldn't bear to look at it, so she opened the door for him. "Bye, Fez," she said, refusing to look at him.
"Eleanor-" he began, but she cut him off. "You really should go," she said again, and so he did.
And as soon as the door closed, she sat on her bedroom floor, and cried her eyes out for the third time that day, but not before pulling out her jewelry box from under the bed an removing the only thing that made her feel something other than the emptiness that was threatening to take over.
As soon as Fez left, Eleanor realized that letting him leave her wasn't going to make the pain stop. But all she could think about was how weak she was. How breakable. Because she had let the comfort the hurt gave her take control, and it was stronger than she could ever be.