We submitted the diorama and got a fair grade.
Tyler and Brian were thrilled about their accomplishment, which was getting the diorama carefully from the car to the classroom without it falling apart. There were minimal casualties, only one support of the bridge fell off, we were lucky that when that piece fell the rest of the bridge did not come off with it.
Now that the diorama is finally done, there will be much less reason for me to be in the presence of Brian, Tyler, and Morgan. I don't know what to feel about that, I should be relieved that I will not experience yet again the mixed feelings I feel towards the group yet I think I should feel sad because I am letting go of the possible friendship that I will ever have in my life. But who am I kidding, no one wants to be friends with me. However, I do wonder if they would still hang out with me after this project.
Why am I making such a massive deal about this. From now on, I won't expect anything. For there are still many more crucial matters to occupy my mind with. Not the possibility of friendship that will lead to emotional attachment, which I don't want to have if I'm gonna leave this place, not the strange feelings that swarm in my head every time I see or remember Brian, not even the thought that maybe my parents will come to look for me and someone will finally love me. All of those are distractions from my plan.
I will always be alone. A voice in my head keeps repeating that phrase over and over in my head since I was 7.
And I believe it.
______________________________
A month is left until the Science Fair.
My project is already complete but I'm dreading that day to come.
I imagined hundreds of possible outcomes on that day when I present my invention.
But 2 remain the worst eventuality I can ever think of.
One would be, them thinking that how can a person who lacks intellect all these years know how to do that, then they would start to question me.
The other one would be, them thinking I was cheating, that I let someone else do my project for me.
Those two possible scenarios are what I fear the most. I would still be attending class the following day after the project to obtain my report card, so I would have to deal with the outcome of any of those events.
I shook my head, trying to shake off the thoughts in my head.
I looked at the time and saw that it was almost time for a walk. So I did that.
I went to the fields and plane area. It was a quiet Saturday in this small town. I neared the weeping willow that opens up to the wondrous sight. I walked towards the tree in the middle of the huge plane area.
I climbed it and sat on one of its branches.
Once I am situated, I breathe a sigh of relief.
This is such a perfect place to go if you want to take your mind off things.
The breeze was relaxing, calming all the raging thoughts inside my head
I closed my eyes and leaned back on the tree I sat on, feeling at peace.
An hour later...
I climbed back down the tree and once down, I placed my left hand on its trunk.
"Oh, majestic tree. How many hours in my life have I spent hiding underneath your shade. I come to you when I seek comfort and peace when my thoughts get overwhelming."
I laid my forehead on its boot and recited a poem I've known since I was young.
"Nature looked across the seas She had newly made.
"Now," said Nature,
"Life must have A place of cooling shade.
"All my creatures shall have rest From the sun's high tide. Underneath a leafy bough Shall my creatures hide.
" So out from the deep black earth Rose a mighty tree.
The hill wind sang a song of welcome.
"Greetings!" roared the sea. When the sun had reached its zenith
In the tree's cool shade
All the creatures lay them down, And they were not afraid.
Ever since the tree has flourished, Mighty and yet kind! Nowhere else can beast or man Sweeter solace find.
The First Tree by Lenore Hetrick"
I stepped back and started my walk back to the orphanage.
__________________
As I was walking a car stopped beside me and I noticed that it was Morgan in the driver's seat.
"Claire wait"
I halted and she waved at me.
"Hi, I was thinking, since it's the weekends we should hang out. Only the two of us, we never get to spend time together cause we were always with the boys. Plus I really need some female companion right now cause Tyler and Brian are driving me insane. So, wanna hang out?"
"I don't think I'm the right female companion to hang out with" There is a reason why I don't have friends that is why I don't excel in that area.
"What makes you think like that? Of course you are the right person to hang out with. Believe me. Come on, pleasee"
I looked at her pleading eyes and thought about it.
"Okay"
"Yayyy! Hop in" she gestured for me to come inside her vehicle.
I hesitantly walked the other side of the car to the passenger's seat. Once I was in and buckled up she started driving.
"Let's hang out in my house"
We passed by the orphanage and towards Brian's house' street. Morgan's home was on the same streets as Brian and Tyler's. She led me into her house, we passed by a kitchen and there was a woman washing dishes.
"Hey mom" Morgan said and gave a brief hug to her mother.
"This is Claire" she introduced me to her mother. Judging by her facial features and skin color she must be of Indian descent.
"Good afternoon Mrs. Palmer"
"Good afternoon to you too. Also, right timing, I just baked cookies. Here, bring some upstairs with you." She smiled and handed Morgan a plate of freshly baked cookies.
"Thanks mom. Come Claire, let's head up to my room"
"Thank you" I said to Mrs. Palmer before catching up with Morgan up the stairs.
We came inside her bedroom. I looked around and saw a wall filled with drawings of clothes. And to the side were 2 mannequins and rolled-up fabrics.
Seeing all this, I get to see another side of Morgan that I am yet to find out more about.
"I can see how passionate you are just by seeing all of this." I said to her sincerely.
"Thank you, and I really am passionate about fashion, it's been a dream of mine since I was little to be a fashion designer." While she said that I can see a glow in her. It's incredible how humans light up and a certain glow emanates in them every time they talk about their passions. It's something that I find incredibly interesting.
She smiled at me and walked towards the window seat in her room. I followed her and we sat face to each other, the plate of cookies in between us.
"How about you?" She asked while taking a bite of a cookie.
"How about me what?" I clarified.
"What are your passions in life and what do you want to pursue after college?"
"Well, I... To be frank, I haven't honestly thought about my passions nor any possible career paths that I would decide." Her question took me by surprise.
Curt Rosengren defines passion as 'The energy that comes from bringing more of you into what you do'
I play the piano, however, am I passionate about it enough to it be called my passion? How about inventing or tinkering with mechanical and electrical objects?
Passion is an energy, a strong emotion. If it is a strong emotion, then why haven't I felt it?. However, being unable to feel it is nothing eccentric. I repeatedly struggle to recognize my emotions. So, that explains it. But it still doesn't answer the question…
"It's okay, I'll help you. Wait let me think of something that I think you will find interesting… oh, how could I forget. How about the piano, I've heard you play and you were so good. And maybe you'll take being a pianist your vocation. So that's one option for you. Hmm, I'll think of another one… This is hard, I don't really know much about you. Hey, why don't we play 20 questions, so that we can know more about each other. The game is simple, we take turns in asking questions about ourselves. It can be any question and you should answer it, but if the question is too sensitive then you have the choice to not answer it. So what do you say?" She grinned and looked at me expectantly.
Playing that game would be risky. What if she would ask personal questions?
Then you have the option to simply not answer it. The rational part of me answered.
What is so detrimental about playing an innocent game… that would conceivably reveal everything about me…Stop thinking.
You are reacting this way because you lack social experience with people your age. Just play the game and you will be fine.
So I listened to the sensible part of me.
"Okay, I will play"
"Want me to ask the first question?" She asked me excitedly.
I nodded.
"What is your favorite color?"
"Any shade of green…What are your other interests besides fashion?"
"Photography"
"Can I see the photos you've taken?"
She stood up and went to one of her bedside drawers and took out 4 polaroid pictures.
"These are some pictures I took" She gave me the photos and I examine them one by one. The first picture was a sunflower being held by a hand. The second was a red gown. The third was of younger Brian and Tyler. And the last one was of the sunset. Beautiful.
Once I was done I gave it back to her.
"Wait, is that question included in the game, or does it not count?"
"It's fine, it does not count. It's my turn right, let's continue. So, what are 5 things or activities you like to do?"
"Taking a stroll, playing the piano, documenting through video taking, reading, watching the sunrise and sunset. How did you meet Tyler?"
"Last summer, Tyler and Brian were new in town and at the start, I had a crush on Tyler. The three of us hung out a lot. They even helped me convince my parents to be out of homeschooling and go to an actual school. We started dating in the first month of senior year and then here we are." She ended that with a smile on her face, looking out dreamingly.
"You were homeschooled?" This game is really effective in getting to know each other.
"Yes, all my life. I love and hate it at the same time. I love that I get to focus on fashion and get to learn at my own pace but I still have schedules, which I'm not complaining about. But I hate that I don't get to socialize with my peers as much as I'd like to. I never had friends, only Melissa, my younger sister, but then the boys showed up and changed my life. And now you, I finally have a girlfriend."
"Okay, my turn. What do you think of Brian?" There was a huge grin on her face. Waiting for me to answer.
My face suddenly felt warm. Before I could answer that question, someone burst into the room.