"You know, you were the first boy to ever give me a rose." The forest in her eyes fused against mine, though the expression of emotion wasn't definite, I knew she was happy. The same eyes are staring back at me now, tears and panic evince that the bliss she felt got ripped away in the most brutal way.
It's better this way. Though, all I did was to exchange places in something neither of us was partaking in. I once promised Ry that I wouldn't let anything happen to her. I meant it.
"I'm fine, baby." I manage to choke out. I've been shot before. But this fucking numbness is one I've never felt before. As though, my entire body is on fire, buzzing with vibrations all over at the same time there's a feeling of nothingness, like this isn't me. Like I'm not the one bleeding out in front of my woman, like I'm not the one currently scarring this fucked up image into her head.
An out of body experience. Her screams of agony feel so much closer, tearing right through my chest. My lungs close up, wheezy noises escaping my throat, automatically trying to keep air in my damaged system.
I remain calm. My eyes following Avery's hands as they disappear in my hair. Her warm tears blend with sweat as the shaped drops trickle on my skin.
"Ry, it's okay, baby." I try to soothe her shaken reaction.
"No it's not okay, A." She cries in hysterics and presses something down on my bullet wounds. I'm causing her all this pain. My eyes burn at her desperation. I never fucking cry. The reminder of Ry possibly being in my place right now if I didn't cover her fast enough but isn't, fills me with relief. This is all worth it. Her brothers will get the fucker.
"I love you." I tell her. Fuck, I don't want it to be the last time. Needles start prickling at the skin of my neck and face.
What the fuck?
"Don't say that." Her voice shatters like glass. "Please, please don't say that." Ry begs. I fucking love when she does that, not this time though. I don't want my Avery to fall apart.
My heart plummets into pieces at her next words, "we're not supposed to end this way!" My girl wails, her voice thin, a fusion of anticipation and terror.
She couldn't be more wrong. "We have endless memories, my love." I hiss with as much honesty as I can pour into my words, "we'll never end." My heavy lids screen the smile she wore in the car earlier, her eyes nearly watering at the sight of roses. She's so precious.
"You know, you were the first boy to ever give me a rose." Ry's previous words ring like a distant echo in my ears, unfolding a ten year old memory.
I'm dressed in a pair of beige trousers and one of these God awful polo shirts. My mom made me wear them, saying an occasion like this requires a pretty boy in fancy clothing. Me. I'm the pretty boy in fancy clothing. Sadly.
My hand keeps the red rose securely within it's grasp. A red ribbon wraps around it's evergreen stock, ending in a damn big bow, gently grazing my skin in a ticklish feel. I hate it. What makes up for it all is the place we're heading to. My best buddy's mom invited us over for dinner, friendsgiving, mom called it.
The New York breeze blows my fringe out of my face. Internally, annoyance rolls my eyes into the back of my scull.
"Remember to give the rose to Avy, baby." Mom's gentle voice reminds me. I look down at the rose I'm about to give to Xav's eight year old sister. She's left without her best friend today, so my mom insisted on getting her a rose too to make her feel better.
It's probably the first time ever that Avery and Summer are separated. Her best friend's overseas with her family, enjoying the break on the sunny beaches of the Bahamas islands. I've never been there, but Dad told me the waters are as crystal clear as the water I drink.
The creak if the large door draws my attention. Pink, the bright colour of Avy's skirt almost blinds me. She's going through a neon pink phase, Hunter mumbled to me when she came rushing into Xavier's room looking like an alien the other day.
"Hi!" She squeals, jumping at the soles of her feet. I smile a little, she's one out of the two eight year olds I know and like.
"Hello, sweetheart, don't you look beautiful today?" Mom grins down at her, twirling her with her free hand.
"Thank you! Mommy got me this skirt yesterday!" She addresses, stepping her small feet back to allow us in, the heavy wood of the door forcing her to put in an extra effort to pull it open completely.
Avery's gleaming green eyes land on me, giving me every ounce of her attention. "Hi, Aidee!"
"Hey, Aves." I return her grin, "here, I got you a rose." I extend the flower, a colour matching it's maroon petals spreads across her chubby cheeks. She's pretty cute. Bouncy brown curls on her head, a height barely reaching my chest and eyes full of happiness, that, if her third older brother doesn't mess with her.
Her face smashes into my stomach making me stumble back by the sudden force, her small arms squeeze my waist in an embrace, which I return. "Thank you, A. I really love it!" Excitement muffled, by the awfully fabricated shirt.
......
"I love you." Croaky words make me doubt myself. The sight of Avery's swollen lips moving along the three word sentence she's spoken twice before overcomes the wavering uncertainty and makes me widen my eyes to an extent that brings me so much fucking pain.
Fuck me.
It's an instant reaction, despite the shock that followed. Nothing to think through. "I love you too, Ry." I speak the sentence I've been waiting for for months and smile up at her.
So pretty. I try to memorise her every detail through my blurry gaze.
"Please baby." Her voice sounds distant, sotto. The feather like touch of her lips against mine brings me comfort, "please don't go." A guttural rasp rolls in my chest, the mere action of kissing her exhausting me. The feel I've committed to memory fades away as does everything else around me.
I broke my promise to Ry.
"Nothing will happen to me."
"Miss? Would you like me to bring you some water?" A soothing hand clamps down on my shoulder, I turn towards the honeyed voice. The nurse gives me a weak smile, eyes crinkling behind red rimmed glasses. She's pitying me, but is masking it well, it's pretty easy to tell when all I received for years straight were looks matching her own.
"What? No, I'm alright thank you though." I reply startled, continuing my path up and down the white and sickeningly clean hospital hallway. The trembling of my mouth allows no reassurance to support my statement, the bloody dress and flowing tears even more so.
"She'll have some water, thank you." Deep voice mutters from close behind me. I turn towards Hunter, his expression soft, much like it was when we last saw each other in Aiden's office that day. I've missed him so much, but at least he's here now. "He'll be alright, sweetheart." Arms wrap around my shoulders, pulling me into his warm, familiar chest.
"Did the doctor say that?" I bite my lip to keep from sobbing. The mere thought of Aiden leaving me forever becomes hauntingly painful.
My brother stays silent. A cry heaves my chest, a fresh wave of tears following as his hands caress my hair comfortingly. "They're doing everything they can."
I'm reminded of the words the surgeon briefly told us on his way into the operation room.
Right after they took Aiden away.
"He shouldn't even have been there in the first place, it was supposed to be me, Hunter!" I weep. "I didn't realise what he was doing until we came here." Aiden took two bullets for me, and now he's behind those pale blue doors with doctors all over him trying to keep him alive. I'm the one supposed to be in there, not him.
"Aiden made the choice to save you, Avery. It was neither of yours fault that he got shot, he just chose you over himself." Xavier's monotonous baritone states behind me, palm stroking the small of my back when he joins us.
I sweep my head away from Hunter's warmth. His eyes harden but no matter how unaffected he acts, I can tell how much this hurts him. Aiden's been his best friend since birth, "you would do the same for him, wouldn't you?"
I swallow back, but the tear slips anyway. "Yeah. I ... " it's the third time I'll be speaking the words aloud. "I love him, Xav."
Background noises, calm words of strangers and active nurses, force a tense but fleeting instance of silence to drift between us. My eyes move between the two men, noticing the silent conversation they have with their identical eyes. "I will never forgive myself for acting like that, Avery." Hunter whispers sincerely.
My lower lip starts trembling. It might be too late. The sight of Rose, Enzo and Tristan marching in the distance causes dread to surface within me. Nodding my head dismissively at my brother, "this is nor the time or place for that conversation."
Before either of them has a chance to respond, Aiden's parents approach. I don't know how long it's been, but when Hunter told the other's the news, Enzo decided to announce everything to his wife in person, Tristan being there for support, which probably was for the best. The mere idea of being in Rose's place and hearing such news over the phone seems terrifying.
Aiden's mom pulls me into a hug, bursting into tears against me. "I'm so sorry." It's unbeknownst to me whether my voice was audible or not.
They're suffering the possible loss of their son because of me. Had Aiden not stood in front of me, this wouldn't have happened.
He'd be here.
"No, honey. It's not your fault." Rose whispers brittle words. "Never apologise for something you're not responsible of."
"He did it to protect me." I sniffle, snuggling into her as I attempt to escape from my guilt.
"That's what Aiden does, baby. He protects the ones he loves. Whatever it takes in return." Her words trigger me to tears. Time passes by torturously slow. Everyone remains quiet while we await some shape of information about his condition, as if we'll miss something significant regarding Aiden at the slightest crack of sound.
"You should go home and take a shower, picollina." Enzo advices, his voice cutting through the waiting room void of strangers, a gruff, pained vibration.
"I'm alright. I don't want to leave him by himself." Responding silently, my gaze shifts to my red heels, the maroon stains of Aiden on my bare legs probs my skin with shivers. My fingers fiddle nervously with the charm bracelet around my arm.
"Avery, we're all here, just go take a shower and come back. You're covered in blood." Tristan speaks up for the first time. I suck my bottom lip into my mouth. It's been so tense between us the past two and a half months that the words he directs at me take me by surprise.
"They're right, Aves. The surgery will take hours, staying like this won't do any good." Xavier urges, "I'll drive you." My oldest brother stands up, holding his hand out for me to take.
Blank stare zeroes in on the silver jewellery adoring his fingers.
Warm, glistening eyes collide with my own. "We'll call you if something comes up, Avy." Rose flashes a sad smile, nodding for me to go.
I hesitate, what if something happens to him and I'm not here? "Just a quick shower, honey, to get the blood off." The woman's voice cracks at the last word.
Trapping the inside of my cheek between my teeth, I accept Xav's hand, follow him out of the private hospital and to his car, the night air is cold around us, thin with hope and bound to terror on our drive toward the city.
.......
"Aves?"
I snatch my attention away from the midnight black sky and limited amount of stars as we pass by at a fast speed. "Yeah?"
"I'm really ashamed of what I did. How I treated you. Both of you." Xavier mutters, his jaw hunches, fists clamping tightly around the wheel. "Mom would be so disappointed in us."
My heart sinks further. Tightening in my nose indicates tears. "Mom would never be disappointed Xav, most likely enraged, but she'd never be disappointed in you. Any of you." With a shake of my head, I lay my temple back on the chilly window, making an effort, but failing horribly at putting my emotions under control.
"No, Avery." He argues. "What I did, what we all did is unforgivable, I know that nothing makes up for our actions; that I kicked you out of our home. " Jerking his head to the other side, he wipes at his cheek. "I was just so fucking angry. Betrayed. I never even thought that Aiden would get with you, he fucking promised not to touch you, I thought he viewed you as a fucking sister. I didn't know how to handle everything, so I took all of it out on you and I fucking hate myself for that." Xavier explains, voice quivering. "I was too ashamed to ask for forgiveness right away. A coward. And now I'm scared it's all too la-" I cut him off with my hand. I don't want to hear him say those words.
"Please don't finish." My voice is as sharp as a knife. "I forgave you guys a long time ago. You're my family, Xav. I don't know who I am without you and I know that what you all did was wrong. So, so wrong, but by not forgiving you guys, I would be holding myself back from living the life that I want, it would be a burden I'd carry for the rest of my life if I didn't see past everything that happened. Yes, it was hard and I was really hurt, but I didn't want to continue that way. And right now might not be the time, but I need to be okay with you in order to get through what's happening with Aiden." Waterworks are off and flowing down my cheeks by now. "I need you."
For the first time in my life, I hear Xavier sniffling. "I love you so much, Avery and I'm really sorry about everything."
"I love you too, Xav and I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys earlier. You weren't supposed to find out that way."
"You don't have to apologise for anything. Your hesitation is comprehensible." He argues, digits tapping on the leather clad wheel in an anxious manner. "The things Tristan said... none of that was true. He didn't mean any of it, it was his alpha-a-hole side talking."
Gaze transfers over to my right, "he told you?"
His head bobs in affirmation. "After we came over he spilled about everything; the ball."
The golf-sized ball in my throat floats down, "I know he didn't. It just really hurt hearing him call me those things, Xav. "
"I know. I'm really sorry, Aves." We fall into a silent hue, the sounds of the engine and passing cars dive out any tensity in the air. He takes the turn to Aiden's place, tightening the invisible rope around my chest to the point where it's almost suffocating me.
The buzzling street bellow the building reminds me of all the times I'd get home and find A already there, smile across his gorgeous face. The genuine, cute kind, the one he only wore around me.
When the door to the second foyer opens, the black walls and colourful artwork I earlier today found calm and homey, close me in.
Alone, I make my way upstairs, Aiden's spicy scent in our bedroom expands my apprehension into whimpering cries on the shower floor, the maroon water twirling down the fixture drain activates the traumatising images of tonight.
"I love you." Does he remember that? Or has he already forgotten I told him what I'd planned to say when we got home? Salty tears of regret blend with the water washing down on me. I should have told him earlier. When we were laying in bed, making plans about the future. A house. Marriage. Aiden's five babies. It feels as if our conversation happened so long ago, years, not hours. I'll never forgive myself if he doesn't get back to me.
I didn't get to love him the way I wanted to. Abruptly standing from my crouched position on the slippery marble tiles, I twist the shower head shut, immediately ending the balmy waterfall. Hurriedly drying myself with a towel, I brush a plastic brush through my hair, taming the wild strands to an acceptable extent and dress into clothes from our used-but-clean pile on the floor of A's closet.
A black sweatshirt drenched in my boyfriend's cologne hangs off my stiff shoulders as I descend down the unlit staircase. Xavier's probably waiting in the living room, like he said he would, doubtlessly drinking Italian espresso to stay put and on guard the awaiting hours.
My bodyguard's looming presence makes me halt the brisk of my steps. "Don't you have the day off?" I rasp and clear my dry throat.
Recollection of his foregoing absence builds up my assumption.
"I heard what happened," Arsenio closes the acceptable three feet of distance between us when he unexpectedly pulls me into his arms. Mine hang limply by my sides as he hugs me, his strong aroma making my body stiffen. A silence of tension spreads around us. I've tried to steer away from him as much as I could the past weeks, not wanting to upset Aiden and get into unworthy arguments. But the need of protection weakened my attempts and I think my security perceived it.
Hugging him now feels wrong, in so many ways, no matter how platonic the embrace is. Pats and strokes on my lower back give me the uneasy flutters. "Is it serious?" His lowly-spoken words tighten my throat and construct water to my eyes.
"Yeah, he's in surgery as we speak." I respond thickly. It's too hard to say the words aloud. It makes the situation the much more real.
"He'll be fine, pasticcino." The nickname reminds me of the night Aiden had mentioned, his lips brushing the top of my head, what makes me withdraw in milliseconds.
My brother rounds the corner the moment I've redone the previous three feet to five.
"Everything okay?" Tonelessly questioning, Xav looks me over protectively, eyes slicing over to the man present.
"Yeah, I was just asking about Mr. De Rossi's condition." Arsenio answers while I wordlessly stare ahead. Did I imagine what he just did? Nausea churns my stomach into bits and pieces. I want Aiden and his soft kisses.
"You ready to go, Aves?" My brother ignores him. It's now that I notice my white sneakers hanging off his index and middle fingers. Nodding, I slip the shoes on and walk to the elevator, wanting to get back to A and away from what happened as soon as possible.
The doorman gives me a small wave when I pass him in the lobby. Faked smile directed at the always polite and smiley man, I change to the public elevator with Xav, and press for the button to the garage repeatedly.
"Did he do something you didn't like? You seemed uncomfortable back there." Xavier points out over the slow music Aiden absolutely hates, when the golden doors close mechanically.
"No, I just want to get back." I partly lie, hoping he'll drop it. Right now, a barely kiss to my hair isn't something worth of attention. I don't want to throw more problems at the ones I love.
"You'll tell me if something happens, Avery." His formulation reminds of a query but is anything but. He's demanding.
Refusing to seal promises I won't keep, I settle for a nod and open the SUV's passenger side door.
Temple supported by cool glass like before, I stare at the buildings passing by in a shadowy blur on what feels like a shorter-than-last-time way to the hospital. Everything is as we left when we enter through the glass doors. Hunter once told me that people like us avoid public places of care, we treat our own injuries and if they're too severe, have the family doctor to. But hospitals? Never. It's dangerous getting the family into legal trouble that's hard for our lawyers to cover in order to save a life.
I thank God for forcing my brother to take that risk with Aiden and pray for him to be alright. There's no doubt in my mind that everything would be over had we not come here. Judging by the slight movements of discomfort owned by nurses by-passing us, they possess a glimpse of knowledge regarding our identities.
Flush of early morning hits me straight in the face, obliging me into the realization that I've been high on adrenaline since we first arrived. Anticipation has been asphyxiating time, slowing everything down.
And here I am, tears dried out, head leaned on Hunter and his gentle hands as they stroke down my hair and shoulder, solacing me but unknowingly failing. Rose and Enzo are wordlessly next to each other across the room, comforting the other in their own way, but all can see the devastation written on their faces.
My heart cracks a little more.
The operation room doors swing open, making all of us shoot up from our seats. Angst and apprehension turn my breathing labored as I desperately wait for the doctor to slide his mask off and speak. When he does, I hang from his every word as if they were my lifeline.
"One of the bullets went through his left brachial artery, it's what caused his collarbone to bleed so intently. We stopped the bleeding easily, but there were difficulties getting the one in his chest out and because of it had to use the defibrillator twice." My knees buckle.
Aiden's heart stopped beating.
Twice.
He left.
Rose sobs into her husband's chest.
The doctor continues, his last two words scarring themselves into my soul forever, effectively setting my life on pause while the rest of the world continues spinning. "I'm sorry."
......
Pain is an insufferable emotion when losing someone you love. They say that it gets better with time. It doesn't, you just learn to live with it and put into the back of your mind in order to catch up with what's happening around you. You learn to live with it, you don't forget it.
I've felt that more than once. The different occasions came with different types of pain, but all ended up the same with my heart shattered and anger fueling my sadness into something fierce, a menacing desire; revenge.
I've never had such hazardous thoughts. Ever in my life. But the identity of Aiden's attempted killer, was like gasoline to my fire. It scared me. But I soon after realized that the explosion would never happen. "Little devil," Tristan had looked me over with a devious smirk when Xav explained what I'd told him after he caught me crying the same day.
It didn't ease me the slightest. Revenge wouldn't miraculously bring Aiden back to me.
"... I know you'd be proud of me." I finish my rambling about the past month brokenly. Bending my head backwards and squeezing my eyes shut doesn't help my never-ending tears. "I miss you so much and I need you. Everything's been so hard." My body-shaking sobs finally break through.
A month. It's been an entire month without him. The entirety of, I've been living with my family. Heart breaking into smaller pieces each day, ones only Aiden would be able to mold back together.
I miss him so much. His touches, his kisses, his voice, his laugh. I miss Aiden. Our lazy mornings in bed, the way he'd always take pictures of me looking my worst in his shirts and boxers. The need for him is noncomparable to any other I've ever had before.
"I'm sorry I haven't been visiting as much. I couldn't handle coming here." I whisper, tracing the engraved name with my finger tip. My free arm encases my knees to my aching chest as I lean my cheek against the cool tombstone. The amount of time I've kept this position has melted any traces of goosebumps off my pale skin.
His absence has consumed me entirely. I haven't been eating, let alone sleeping properly. It's why my brothers insisted on me moving back into the house.
Buzzing in my pocket uprights my position. Flashing name across my screen makes my heart skip rocky beats. Everyone knows better than to call when I'm here. "Yeah?" Voice grave, fingers picking at the green grass.
"He's waking up, I think he'd want you here, Avery." Enzo's thrilled voice floods my eyes with tears, promptly throwing the long lasting weight off my shoulders. No response is needed, his chuckle indicates he heard my light-hearted sigh.
Aiden is awake.
Scurrying up, I stare at the name, knowing she's aware of what just happened. Valentina Marchetti. "I love you so much, mom, I promise to come back with Aiden." Kissing the tips of my two digits, I place them on the stone before making a run for the car Arsenio took me here in.
"... he successfully came back to us both times. But his condition remains critical. Mr. De Rossi has suffered severe blood loss and swelling in his brain. The chances of survival are minimal, we've induced him into a coma to help his body recover. All you have to do now is wait. I'm sorry." Doctor Martinez' words play on repeat in my ears as I march toward his designated room.
Entering silently as to not disturb, A's parents nod for me and slip out of the room. Hesitation overcomes me. I'm afraid this'll all be my imagination if I make sudden movements. Aiden's sleepy, emerald eyes pierce into mine, lips breaking into a small smile.
"Hi, my love."