"Al, this would look so cute in our room." I pointed at a tiny Christmas tree with lights already twinkling inside of it.
"Yes! It would look so cute on the windowsill."
"Should we get it?" I grinned.
"Hmm. How much is it?" She asked.
"25 pounds."
"Sure, why not." She smiled.
"And the little Santa claus?" I pointed at the doll next to tree.
"I want to but the 15 pounds on my bank account are saying no." Allie said.
"It's fine, I'll pay."
"No, you don't have to. You're way too generous with your money."
"Well, I'm getting it anyway." The only perks of my grandparents dying was the shitload of money I inhereted from them.
"You're so stubborn." She laughed.
"You know it baby." I winked.
"Ohh, guys!" Hazel squealed out of excitement. "We should do secret santa this year!"
"Yes yes yes!" Chelsea yelled.
"Oh you genius." I said.
"I want Hazel." Allie grinned.
"That's not how it works." Hazel and I both laughed.
"Fine." She rolled her eyes. "You don't know what you're missing H."
"Hey, wait!" She shouted. "You can still give me a present."
"Too late." Allie chuckled.
"You can't do that to me."
"Oh, I just did."
I watched as they went back and forth and laughed. They were both crushing on one another so obviously and they didn't have a clue in the world.
"Let's get together tonight and plan everything out, okay?" I suggested.
"Sounds good." They replied.
I was having the most fun day with my friends. If anything I could really use the distraction. I hadn't felt like myself lately. I had barely felt like a person, but today had finally felt like a normal day and normal was all I wanted right now.
•
The girls and I spent the rest of the evening hanging out, watching Christmas movies and we each picked someone for Secret Santa. I picked Hazel and even though I'm sure Allie would love to be in my place right now I was glad I picked her. I had some cute ideas that I was sure she'd love.
•
I couldn't sleep. My mind was drifting off to places I didn't want to go to. It was hard shutting your mind off. I didn't know how to.
I grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and started writing. Even though I didn't think it would help me, I still wanted to try and follow Adrianna's advice. It couldn't hurt to write, right?
I wrote the first words down on paper and before I knew it sentences started to form and the stream of thoughts stuck in my head appeared on the paper in front of me.
I hate him. I hate him more than I hate myself and I experience an awful lot of self hate. I love him. I love him just as much as I love myself and I don't love myself too much, but I do sometimes when I think I'm worthy of loving myself. I hate him because he took so many things from me. I was never able to lose my virginity to someone special, someone I chose. He took that from me. I didn't get to enjoy my childhood like most kids could. I didn't play outside with the neighborhood children, I didn't play house with my friends, I didn't play in the sand, I didn't go swimming. He took that from me. I let people be abusive to me because he taught me that. I couldn't be loved properly. He did that to me.
I love him because sometimes I see the good in people and I convince myself that he was an alcoholic and didn't mean to hurt me. I love him because I see glimpses of myself in him. I love him because If I don't I'm afraid I don't deserve to be loved either. I love him because he's the only father I have.
But I don't really love him. I hate my father for taking away so much of my life. Because of him I never got to live a life the way I was supposed to. I hate him, because he is the reason I believe I will never find someone who can love me. I hate him, because I flinch when someone touches me. I hate him because my body will never forget him. I hate him, because I see my face in his and I can't love a face that reminds me of the person I hate the most.
- Iz
I took the note from my pocket and slid it under her door. I took her advice and I wanted to share that with her, but I didn't want to give it to her face to face.
I stood there for a slight second and I smiled. I did it and I was proud. Proud that I finally took the first step of becoming the person I want to become.
"Izzie." I heard Ms. Porter whisper while making my way back to my room. I turned around and immediately felt embarrassed when I saw her standing in front of her door with the letter I had written clamped between her fingers.
"Oh. Hi." I said.
"What is this?" She questioned.
"Oh." I nervously looked down. "I took your advice and wrote some of my thoughts down. I wanted to share it with you but I didn't have the guts to give it to you in person."
"Really?" Her eyes sparkled. "That's amazing, I am so proud of you."
"Yea." I said. "Thank you, it felt really good. Maybe you were right after all."
She giggled. "I told you so."
"Yeah, yeah." I rolled my eyes.
She laughed. "No, but I'm really proud of you."
"Thank you." I smiled.
"So, what have you been up to today?"
"Oh we went Christmas shopping!" I grinned. "We bought a tiny Christmas tree with pretty lights and some other Christmas decorations it's so cute. We also decided to do secret santa, I am so excited!"
Ms. Porter didn't say much but continued to look at me.
"What?" I softly spoke.
"Nothing." She smiled. "You seem so excited about Christmas. It's cute."
I blushed, undeniably so. "I really love Christmas."
"I can tell." She laughed.
"Do you like Christmas?" I attempted to ask.
"Sure." She smiled. "I especially loved it when I was a kid. The Christmas spirit has kind of faded with age I think."
"Not on my watch." I exclaimed. "I'm gonna make sure you become just as Christmas obsessed as I am."
"Oh, good luck." She said. "That's not as easy task."
"I have faith in myself." I chuckled.
She leaned her body against the door and rested her thumb on her lips. "You should."
Words failed to describe the hold this woman in front of me had over me. She was so beautiful, so insanely beautiful but still that wasn't the reason why I was so sucked in by her being. She was special. So charismatic. She had the power to walk in to a room and everyone would notice her. She had the ability to make me feel safe in a place that was falling apart. She could make me laugh when the world was crying. She made me feel cared for when I was numbed from feeling anything. She made me feel at ease even when it felt like I had been stabbed by a hundred knives. There was something so unexplainable about her and I didn't care to try to explain it. She just was, and she just made me feel like the only person in the world.
"You there?" Ms. Porter snapped me back to reality.
"My bad." I chuckled. "What did you say?"
"I asked how you were feeling... after everything." She sounded hesitant.
"Better." I smiled. "It's hard though. Really hard. I don't always know how to deal with everything."
"You know you have me, right?"
"Yea." I smiled. "I know."
"No, but really." She spoke again. "When I say that I am here for you I mean that. Whatever you need, whenever you need it. I'm here."
"I appreciate that." I replied.
"Nonetheless, I am proud of you. I really am."
"Well, thank you." I smiled. "So many compliments."
She rolled her eyes and laughed. "Can I give you a hug?" She stretched her arms out.
"Of course." I giggled as I stepped forward to embrace her hug.
I let my body fall into hers and I wrapped my arms around her waist. She closed her arms around me and hugged me, tight.
I was so close to her, I could feel my heart beat speeding up. I could smell her. Her hair, her perfume, her skin. It was too much and at the same time everything I wanted. I wanted to be buried in her scent. I wanted to crawl into her skin. I never wanted anything other than being so close to her.
I was aware of her hand stroking my back. I was so aware I believed that I could collapse at any second now, and when I felt her breath tickling the back of my head, in another universe I actually did probably collapse.
"You are such a beautiful girl." She spoke quietly. "I wish the world wasn't such a cruel place."
"Me too." I whispered.
"You don't deserve any of this. It's so fucked."
"No cursing." I quietly chuckled, still as quiet as ever.
She smiled. I didn't hear it but I could feel her lips curl up against my head.
"I feel safe here." I whispered so softly I didn't know if she heard me.
"Where?" She asked.
"Here." I spoke. "Right here."
And with that we fell into a silence while still in each others embrace. It could've been a minute, maybe two, but still neither of us let go.
Until she finally did. She squeezed me a little tighter before taking a step backwards. Our faces still so close to each other that for a split second I thought our hug was leading to something more.
It didn't though. Instead she took another step back and just looked at me. Her face glowy, her cheeks rosy.
"Time to go to bed." She whispered.
I nodded. "Right. I'm getting tired." I lied.
She smiled and held up the letter I had slid under her door. "I will read this. Thank you for trusting me."
"No worries." I said.
"Well, good night." She smiled.
"Sleep well." I nodded.
She walked into her room, and I walked back to mine. My mind was racing a thousand miles per hours to the point where it was blank. I had no thoughts left anymore.
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A/N: sorry this is a trash chapter but i had no inspiration/motivation at all but it's been so long i wanted to give you guys at least something :( i'm sorry hopefully next chapter is a little better x