It was a Monday morning and my sadness hadn't disappeared. Instead I walked around the halls of the school like an empty shell. My eyes were dark and puffy. My hair was messy and my throat still felt sore and dry from all the crying.
I didn't want to attend any classes. It was the very last thing I wanted to do, but Allie was right when she said that not going would only make it worse for me. Attendance was a big thing here and I didn't want to deal with that on top of everything else.
By the time Allie came back home from her weekend away I had been feeling better. I hadn't been emotional, or angry. I had just been numb. Some would say that numbness wasn't better than feeling intense emotions, but to me it was. It was so much better than the endless crying or the uncontrollable anger.
I had been nice to her. I didn't want to scare her off as well. I still didn't feel like myself though. I hadn't talked too much to Allie. I hadn't laughed as hard, I hadn't hugged her and I hadn't asked her how her weekend was. I felt like a shitty friend.
She had even given me her spare phone so I could keep in touch with my friends but besides a thank you I didn't say much. I couldn't get it out. Everytime I spoke it felt like razor blades were stuck in my throat. It hurt. I couldn't do it.
Chelsea, Hazel, Allie and I all were in biology class. They sat together, I deliberately sat alone. They didn't question it, but I could feel their eyes on me every now and then. I didn't know if it was out of sympathy or hate. Maybe they hated me. Maybe they wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
Mrs. Kramer was slow. Boring. I didn't care about the things she had to say and I didn't care to listen. The thought of walking out of that classroom and not coming back crossed my mind several times, but somehow I was able to talk some sense into myself.
That sense I thought I had left when I texted George. I needed to be with someone who wasn't going to ask me how I was doing. Someone who wasn't going to treat me like I was an ancient piece of art you weren't allowed to touch.
Izzie: Hi George, are you free right now?
George: Yes, I am. Why?
Izzie: Class is boring. Wanna hang out?
George: Sure. Need me to come pick you up?
Izzie: Yes pleaseee :)
George: Alright. I'll be there in 15.
Izzie: See ya 🫡
He agreed to hang out and even offered to pick me up. Class ended in 10 minutes so when the bell rang I immediately got up and made my way to the entrance of the building. I didn't want anyone to see me and no one to tell me off for skipping class. With a cigarette in one hand I waited until a car I assumed to be his stopped in front of me.
I peeked through the window and faintly smiled when I saw his face. I opened the passenger door and sat down.
"Hi George." I gave him a hug.
"Hi you. What's up?"
"Not much." I sighed. "Just tired of everyone in this stupid building."
"Valid." He laughed. "Gym class here used to be fun though."
"What?" I chuckled. "We don't have gym class."
"Oh." He shrugged. "Weird. They used to have it when I went there."
"Hmm. I guess." I nodded.
"So. What do you want to do?"
"Do you have weed?" I eyed him.
"Legally, no, but for you I'll see what I can do." He grinned.
"That's what I like to hear." I said.
He drove us to a parking lot that seemed almost abandoned and parked his car.
"What are we doing here?" I asked.
"Smoking." He grabbed two joints kept in a plastic baggie from his wallet and handed me one. "No one really comes here so we're good."
"Sounds perfect to me." I took the joint from him. "Mind if I smoke inside?"
"You're good. Just roll down the window."
I did as he said and rolled down my window. I lit the joint and took a long, deep drag from it. I let my head fall back against the car seat and exhaled. "Just what I needed."
He laughed as he also took a drag. "Trouble in paradise?"
"Funny, but no. There is no paradise to be having trouble in."
"Not even with that teacher you told me about?" He asked.
"Nah, I obviously am stupid to even think about a teacher like that, and it doesn't even matter, I fucked that up anyway."
"Maybe that's for the best. You will only get hurt trying to pursue a teacher. I'm sorry though, that sucks."
"Yes, you're right. Maybe it is for the better."
"She's probably straight." He said.
I chuckled. "How do you know that? You haven't even seen her."
"I know." He laughed. "It's just a thought."
"I mean, you're probably right. She did mention an ex-boyfriend."
He grinned. "See, probably straight."
I rolled my eyes and took another drag. The more I smoked the more faded the world seemed and I was enjoying every second of it.
After an hour or two of smoking and talking to George about bullshit I asked him to drive me back to the school. I didn't want to go back, I would've rather stayed in that sketchy parking lot but I was hopeful that I could still get back to the school without consequences.
George drove me back and after saying goodbye I made my way inside the building. I wanted to go straight up to my room, hoping I could escape the wrath of Mrs. Landale, but the moment I set foot on the stairs I heard her painfully sharp voice echo through the hallway.
"Where do you think you're going, young lady?" She asked.
I slowly turned around. "Upstairs, miss."
"Do you think we wouldn't notice your absence these past 2 hours?"
"I had hoped so, yes."
"Get down and follow me to my office."
I shamefully did as she told me and followed her down to her office. When we reached the stupid room I sighed and sat down.
"So." She firmly said. "This isn't the first time you've been in trouble, only this time you chose to break several rules. Leaving and being unaccounted for, for several hours? That is downright unacceptable."
"Sorry." I mumbled.
"Your apologies won't be needed. We're going to have to call your parents."
"No." I practically yelled. "Please. I'll do anything, please just don't call my parents."
"Why do you think you're in a position to make demands? You broke the rules Izzie Parker. These are the consequences."
"I am so sorry. I genuinely am. I shouldn't have left but I was having a rough time and I didn't think." I begged.
"Rules are rules and I'm not having this discussion with you. I will call your parents after we're done here and I will inform them about your misbehavior. On top of that you have to attend detention this week and your outdoor privileges are taken away for the week. I hope this will help you learn a lesson."
I didn't say anything. I was pissed off. I didn't want them to involve my mom. Anything would've been better than that.
"Can I go now?" I asked.
"You may leave." She said. "Detention is in A9."
I rolled my eyes. "Fine."
Without saying anything else I got up and left.
•
I walked into the detention room and noticed her all too familiar face sitting in the front of the class room. God, the room even smelled like her. I looked around to see if there were any other students around but it seemed like I was the only fuck up at this school.
"Hi Izzie." She said.
"Hi." I replied while taking place in the back of the classroom. I had been avoiding her. I was so ashamed
of the way I had treated her, I couldn't bare to look at her.
"How have you been?" She asked.
God I was high. I stared out of the window, completely zoned out. The trees looked pretty radiant for fall. I liked how I couldn't hear the wind blow but I could imagine the sound of the leafs rustling in the wind.
"Earth to Izzie." Ms. Porter raised her voice.
Her voice brought me back to the classroom. It was too sharp and unpleasant.
"What?" I said. I tried not to look at her, avoiding eye contact at all costs. Partly because I didn't want to look at her, partly because I'm sure you could tell by just looking at me that I was out of it. I figured Mrs. Landale was too old too notice stuff like that, but Ms. Porter was a different story.
"I asked how you were doing?" She repeated.
"Oh. I'm fine."
"Is that why you have detention right now? Because you're doing so fine?"
"Yep." I sarcastically said.
"Why did you skip your last 2 classes?" She asked. "You know that's gonna get you in trouble. And where did you even go? The headmistress said you left the premises."
"So. Many. Question." I groaned. I let myself fall back against the chair and made the mistake of looking at her.
"Your eyes. Have you been crying?"
I rolled my eyes and looked down again. "I have in fact not been crying. Can we go back to absolute silence while I do homework or whatever?"
"No, we can not." She replied.
A chuckle escaped from my mouth unwillingly and I quickly covered my mouth with my hand. I shouldn't be laughing right now, nothing was funny but in my head it was.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to laugh." I just said.
She paused for a second and I could see her raise her eyebrows. "Are you high?"
"No."
"You're high." She stated.
"I am not." I lied again.
"Why are you doing this to yourself, Izzie? This is not a healthy way to cope with whatever you're going through."
"Frankly-" I sat up straight. "I don't really care, okay? I don't care if it's not healthy. All I care about is that I'm not feeling absolutely miserable right now. That's all I care about so please stop."
"I am obligated to report this to the headmistress. You know that right?"
I scoffed. "Go ahead. Like I said, I don't care."
"I don't believe that."
"Well, start believing it." I said.
I rested my head in the palm of my hand as I returned my focus back to the outside world. I felt bad for being so mean to her. I didn't want to. She didn't deserve that and I knew it, but I felt like I needed to push her away from me. She got too close again. Too close to seeing how vulnerable I could be. Too close to seeing the worst parts of me. I needed her to hate me, to despise me. It was easier if she did. I wouldn't feel so guilty anymore. I wouldn't feel so unbelievably bad for lashing out on her, for physically pushing her away. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did that to someone who cared for me.
"I won't report it." She said.
"I don't care. Report me if you want to."
A short silence fell between us and I wanted nothing more but to explode into nothingness.
"You're being mean." She said.
"You're being annoying." I snapped back.
"For caring about you?"
"You don't actually care about me. You don't have to pretend."
"You know that's not true."
"Sure." I sarcastically said.
"You really don't believe that?" She asked.
"I don't care. Please just leave me alone."
She didn't say anything back and kept silent for a moment. Maybe she had actually listened to me, or maybe she finally had enough of me.
Ms. Porter scraped her throat and broke the silence between us. "You know what, Izzie. I'm not going to let you do this. You are self sabotaging and pushing everyone away from you because you think no one gives a shit about you. Well, news flash, people do, but you're too absorbed in your own little world that you can't see that not everyone is out to hurt you. That people actually care. So I'm not gonna sit here and watch you destroy yourself. Detention is over, you can go."
And she left. She left the room and I was left alone. Conflicted. I didn't know how to feel. Her words hit like a truck and I felt stranded. It was the first time someone was honest with me. The first time someone wasn't intimidated by the harshness of my words and I didn't know how to handle that.
After a few minutes I left the room as well and made my way up. I was afraid I might bump into her but I reached the door to my dorm and I hadn't even gotten a glimpse of her.
I softly opened the door and closed it behind me. Allie was sat on her bed watching a movie, but my entrance made her close her laptop.
"Iz, can we talk?"
I didn't say anything but instead I walked up to her. I sat next to her on the bed and before I could even speak I started quietly sobbing.
Allie stretched out her arms, allowing me to fall into them. "Oh, Iz." She just said while holding me.
I cried and I cried before I could finally get some words out. "I am just so tired, Allie. I don't know what to do. It hurts."
"Shhh." She hushed me. "Let it out, it's okay."
"I don't know how to keep going. I don't know who I am anymore."
She rubbed my back with her thumb. "You'll be okay, do you hear me? We'll get you help. I'm right here with you."
I just nodded and let her hold me. I was so tired. So tired of fighting. So tired of feeling so incomplete, so lost. My head was pounding and my eyes were tired of crying. They got heavy and before I knew it I was asleep, still in Allie's arms.
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A/N: welp i couldn't help myself. i had some free time on my hands so i figured why not write. i hope you guys liked the previous chapters, i know it's not best rn between izzie and ms porter but this is a slow-burn keep that in mind, be patient i have more exciting things planned :) as always, thank you for reading and ur comments/votes mean the world to me. honestly i love when you guys comment on my story it makes my day <3