"I'm sorry okay, Al. I really am."
"Yeah sure." Allie rolled her eyes.
After apologizing the whole night Allie seemed to stay mad and I didnt't blame her entirely. It was a shitty move of me to miss her birthday party. I should've thought it through more but I was caught up in the moment and there was nothing I could change now.
"Just let me make it up to you, please." I begged.
Allie turned around and faced me for the first time today. "I just really wonder what was so important for you to do to miss my birthday."
"I promise I didn't miss it on purpose, Allie. Ms. Porter called me into her office to talk about something and I kind of lost track of time."
"So our teacher is more important than your friends?" She scoffed.
I scratched my head, not sure if I had just completely fucked it up even more by saying that.
"It's not that."
"Then what is it?"
"It's something personal, okay? She's been helping me with some things and for the first time in my life I have someone I can talk to about these things. She's been great and I know it's not an excuse that I missed your birthday but I genuinely didn't mean to."
She raised her eyebrows but I could see her expression soften. "I'm still upset you missed it but I forgive you. I'm just glad you're talking to someone, can't have you killing yourself now can I?" She joked.
I laughed and stretched out my arms. "Hug?"
She rolled her eyes but gave in and softly fell into my arms. "I can't stay mad at you."
"Good, because I want to take you out for dinner as an apology."
"You don't have to." Allie said.
"Shut up. I want to. Is next wednesday okay?"
"Wednesday is okay." She smiled as she hugged me tightly.
I laughed and sighed out of relief. I couldn't bare her being mad at me.
—
I woke up in the middle of the night with sweat dripping from my forehead. Another nightmare that didn't allow me to get some rest. I sat up straight, too afraid to go back to sleep. I was well aware that nightmares weren't real but at times it seemed more real than it should be.
I grabbed my phone from underneath my pillow. I had a few missed calls from my mom and several texts from my friends back home but I couldn't be bothered to reply. I felt so detached from home, it felt like there was no room for me there anymore.
I looked over to Allie to see if she was awake but unfortunately she was dead asleep so I texted Chelsea and Hazel to see if anyone was up. I even texted Julian to see if he was still awake but I doubted if anyone was awake past 2am.
I waited for about 10 minutes but no one replied and I needed to get out of this room. I needed to get some fresh air.
I walked out of my room and quietly closed the door trying not to wake anyone. I made my way to the end of the hall when I passed Ms. Porters room and the worst idea I ever had popped up in my head.
Without thinking twice about it I knocked on her door. One loud knock and one too quiet for her to hear as I realized that it was extremely out of pocket for me to knock on her door after 2am. I panicked a little and tried to walk away as fast as possible but before I could disappear around the corner I heard a door open.
I stood still for a moment not sure how to talk myself out of this. I could only imagine how pissed she would be.
"Did you just knock on my door?" She said loud enough for me to hear.
I turned around in shame. "I am so sorry, I didn't mean to. As soon as I knocked I realized I messed up, again, I am sorry."
"Izzie?" She squinted her eyes.
"Yeah." I said avoiding looking at her from across the hall.
A faint laugh escaped from her lips. "Come here. I don't want to yell and wake everybody up."
It felt like doing a walk of shame as I walked up to her. "Sorry. I hope I didn't wake you." I just mumbled as I stood in front of her. I was scared to look up to face her but as I slowly did a funny feeling arose in my stomach. She was so beautiful it made my heart drop a little. She was in the same outfit she had been wearing earlier this evening and I had to fight the urge to just fall into her arms and have her hold me.
"Don't be. I wasn't asleep yet." She smiled. "What's up? Why did you knock?"
"Oh, I just had a nightmare and needed a distraction. None of my friends are awake and as I walked past your door I had the stupid idea to see if you were awake. It's stupid I know."
"It's fine. I was awake anyway. Do you want to come in for a second?" Ms. Porter asked.
"No, it's fine. I'm gonna go outside for a bit, I need fresh air."
"I thought we made a promise?" She said.
I raised my eyebrow. "What promise?"
"You weren't gonna go outside at night anymore."
"Just this once please?"
"You're a pain in my ass." She said. "Give me a second."
She disappeared through the door again and came back with a jacket on.
"I'm coming with you. I don't want you to be alone in the middle of the night."
"Oh you don't have—"
"Quiet and walk." She demanded.
I couldn't help but smile as we walked downstairs.
"Didn't know you were so protective over your students." I jokingly said.
I couldn't see her face but I could feel her eyes rolling. "You might not know it but there are crazy people everywhere preying on pretty girls. I wouldn't want something to happen to you on my watch."
It fell silent for a moment. I didn't care about the context, all I heard was her calling me pretty and that was all that mattered to me.
I sat down against the same tree as always and watched how Ms. Porter struggled a bit with figuring out what to do.
"You can sit down, the grass isn't gonna bite you."
"Ha ha, very funny Izzie."
After pacing around for a few second she finally sat down next to me.
I took a cigarette from my pocket and lit it up.
"Really, Izzie? I thought you wanted fresh air." She mocked me.
"This is fresh air."
"You have got to be kidding me."
"Let me have my damn cigarettes." I laughed.
"Only if you let me have a drag."
"Are my ears deceiving me? You want a drag?" I exclaimed.
"Be quiet." She hissed. "Just one. I'm only a social smoker but you're tempting me."
I giggled and handed her my cigarette. I didn't want to stare at her but I turned my head the slightest bit so I could see her.
It was ridiculous how attracted I was to her. Even though her words sometimes seemed harsh, playful and not necessarily always teacher-like, everything about her mannerisms and body language screamed classy. The way she sat straight and put together, the way she held my cigarette like it was a priced possession that she wasn't allowed to touch. The way her lips closed around the cigarette with such grace and the way she slightly let her head fall back as she blew out the smoke. Watching her felt like watching a movie.
I snapped out of my thoughts as she handed me back my cigarette. I took a drag from it trying not to think too much about how her lips had been on the exact spot mine are on now.
"So, a nightmare huh?"
I sighed. "Yep, I have them pretty often."
"How come?" She asked.
"I don't know, I just have periods of time where they happen a lot."
"That sucks, I am sorry."
"It's okay."
It fell silent for a second between us. The silence I loved so much. The silence that made me feel so comfortable, like nothing mattered in that very moment.
"Do you think I'll ever be okay?" I spoke as I stared into the cold midnight sky.
"Of course you're gonna be okay, darling. Why wouldn't you be?"
"Everything feels so endless sometimes, like no matter what I do, eventually it turns to shit. I'm just afraid I'll never be the same again."
"I can understand how you feel. When I was younger, things seemed to never get better for me. Heartbreak after heartbreak, after pain, after pain. It felt hopeless, but time does heal. Time does make it bearable. I'm not saying that your pain will completely stop, but it will get so much easier, I can promise you that."
"I hope so."
"What exactly are you afraid of?" She asked.
"I'm scared I'll never get to experience things the way it's supposed to be. I want to be able to sleep through the night, to not get scared when I hear loud noises, to not flinch when someone touches me. I want to wake up and be happy. I just want to be happy."
"You will be. Healing takes time and it's not an easy road, but you don't have to do it alone. You will be okay, trust me. I got you, you can talk to me whenever."
I smiled. "That means a lot to me."
"I had a boyfriend once." She continued to talk. "I was so in love with him so when he cheated on me it felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I couldn't eat for days and he ruined my confidence. It wasn't easy and it took me a while but I eventually got over it. I realized that in the end I'm responsible for my own happiness and I wasn't gonna let any man ruin that."
"Yikes, I am sorry. I will never understand why people cheat. It's his loss anyways, he could've had a great woman."
She giggled. "At the end it's good he did. I would've wasted precious time on a man who wasn't worth it otherwise."
"It still sucks that it happened. You didn't deserve that."
"Thank you." She smiled. "And you're right, but it's okay at the end. I'm okay now."
"I'm glad you are." I said.
"Shall we go back inside?" Ms. Porter asked.
"Can we stay a few more minutes?" I asked.
"Aren't you cold? You're not even wearing a jacket."
"I'm fine." I said.
"Who are you fooling, you're shaking."
"I'm fine." I exclaimed. "5 more minutes pleaaaase."
She rolled her eyes again for the millionth time but took her arm and wrapped it around me, pulling me closer to her. "5 minutes." She said.
I didn't say anything but I softly let my head rest on her shoulder, taking in the warmth radiating from her as we fell into yet another comfortable silence.
We didn't speak but I could feel the nervousness between us both. The smell of her perfume almost made me feel dizzy. I was so close to her and every slight touch felt like electricity shooting through my body. I was so nervous I felt like I could explode any minute now, but somehow it was still the most comfortable I had ever felt. It felt like the world around us stopped and we were the only ones moving through life. Like a moment in time was reserved for just us two, and it was the best feeling.
"You didn't flinch." She so quietly spoke I almost couldn't hear her.
"I didn't flinch." I whispered with a smile on my face.
Ms. Porters POV
I couldn't quite understand what it was about the girl that intrigued me so much. Maybe it was the way she presented herself to be so cold and all-knowing when I knew that deep down inside she just needed someone to listen to her, to put a little effort into her. Maybe I was impressed with the way she stood so tall despite the fact that life hadn't been easy on her. Maybe she just reminded me of myself, someone who had to suffer at the hands of others.
I favored her over my other students and even though it was a normal thing to do for teachers I still felt weird about it.
I caught myself enjoying our conversation and at times I'd look for her in the hallway. I told myself it was only to check up on her. That I was looking out for my student. It had to be the only reason. It couldn't be any other reason.
There couldn't be any other reason as to why I let her take me outside in the dead of night. There couldn't be any other reason as to why my arm around her felt so comfortable, why her hair tickling against my cheek made me feel warm inside. There couldn't be.
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A/N: hi guys!!! sorry it's been so long since I updated but uni has been a pain in my asss oh my god. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter <3 I certainly enjoyed writing it. Is there anything you guys would really really like to see happening between Izzie and Ms. Porter? (Don't say smut, be patient hehe). As always your comments and likes mean the absolute world and really truly motivate me so much more!! thank you for reading 🫶🏽
ps: i'd love to hear what you think of this book :)