A/N: Andddd I'm back! Wow, that was fast! Yeah, that's because this was a prewritten chapter that I had major writer's block on and I just wanted it out of my system so I could move on from the trauma that I got while writing it.
So, here's the chapter!
J's face, empty, unseeing, dead, stares up at the crowd gathered above. His lips are blue. Even though his eyes are lifeless, I can't shake the feeling that he's looking right at me.
Why is he in the Chasm?
My mind clashes with itself, trying to figure out how to feel.
On one hand, he's dead. I've been telling myself, ever since yesterday, that my friends can defend me, that I can defend myself, if I ever see J again. Now, I won't have to.
He's dead. He can never touch me - or anyone else - again.
On the other hand, he's dead. Gone. Despite what he's put me through, he's just like any other person. He has a family, friends. And now, they'll never see him again.
I guess that's why some small part of me, behind my relief, still mourns him. The people that care about him aren't responsible for his actions. But now, they'll have to suffer.
And then, another thought makes my blood run cold.
Did Tobias or Rowan do this?
No, they couldn't have. At least, that's what I'd like to think.
Rowan and my brother are good people. But is it possible that they got angry enough to do this? No. No. No.
If one of them - or both - really did, the Candor investigators will find out. And then, they'll take them away.
Two men are murmuring beside me. I halt my erratic thoughts for the time being and try to listen to them.
"-do you reckon it happened?" One man asks the other.
"I'd say it's an accident. See those shining pieces beside him? Those are glass shards, and the dark stuff is probably alcohol. And drunks can't navigate their way around Dauntless for shit."
The words make me focus on the shiny pieces next to J. I squint at them, realizing with a relieved breath that he's right.
I doubt that, if this was done in a fit of rage, a broken alcohol bottle would be arranged to cover up their tracks. Every bit of current evidence points to J just falling into the Chasm while drunk.
It's only after a few seconds, once the blood stops rushing in my ears, that I realize that Julia is muttering something softly, almost imperceptibly.
I frown, my worry growing. Julia looks more shaken than I've ever seen her. I furrow my eyebrows as I catch what Julia keeps muttering.
"Sean." Who - or what - is Sean? "Sean, Sean, no, Sean-" At this point, I've heard enough. Julia's clearly panicking, and I refuse to let her stay in her current state.
"Julia." Julia doesn't respond.
I take a chance, gently placing my hands on her shoulders. "Julia, stop. You're not there. Sean isn't down there." Julia is still breathing hard, but her murmuring has ceased a little, and her eyes look a little less far away. I take this as a good sign, and keep on talking. "You're in Dauntless. You're the second-ranked initiate so far. You're safe."
This seems to do the trick, because Julia blinks, and immediately looks more aware of her surroundings. She focuses her eyes on me, with my hands on her shoulders, and then flushes red. "Oh! I'm-"
I cut her off before she can say anything more. "Nope. No apologies. You didn't do anything wrong." My curiosity gets the better of me, and I open my mouth to ask her who 'Sean' is.
But then, I remember the day that the first newspaper article about me came out. How she yelled at my friends for being intrusive. And what she said to me afterwards.
"Even if we are your friends, we have no right to go digging into your life if you don't want us to."
Julia clearly has some demons in her life, just like I do. And I know I was infinitely grateful to her when she stopped Lavender and Ethan's questions. The least I can do is repay the favor.
So, I change my words. "If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you, Julia."
She smiles at me, but even to me, it seems forced. "I might take you up on that sometime, Cammi." And then, she turns around, heading for Lavender and Ethan. Ethan has clearly told Lavender what all the commotion is about, because she's wearing the same I'm-about-to-throw-up look that Ethan is.
It's only then do I realize that they don't know who it is yet. At least, they don't know the details.
But I can't tell them now, not when I'm going through my own little crisis.
I'll tell them later, I guess.
More people are crowding by the Chasm. Some are carrying ropes and other supplies, to haul the body up, presumably.
My stomach clenches, and, suddenly, I need to get out. I can't watch them extract someone's body, no matter how much I hate them.
I turn away from the Chasm and start pushing my way through the crowd, desperate to go anywhere that isn't here.
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When I walk down the path to our meeting spot in the Chasm, Tobias is already waiting for me.
"Hey, Cam." He greets me as I sit down beside him.
"Hey yourself."
After that remark, we both fall silent, apparently having nothing to say.
I stare at the spot where J's body apparently landed. It's across and to the right of our little niche, and a little lower. The rocks are still stained red - the Chasm maintenance crew will probably get on that tomorrow. The glass shards are still there, too, glistening and sharp. Unforgiving.
We sit side by side, in silence, for a long time, before Tobias finally speaks up.
"How's your head?"
"Fine." Technically, I'm not lying to him. My mind is spinning so much from the events of the day, that I don't know if my headache is from my head injury or my unrelenting thoughts.
I sneak a glance at my brother's face. It's unimpressed. He probably doesn't believe me, but he lets it slide. "And your nose?"
"Also fine."
After a moment of hesitation, Tobias asks another question. This one makes me tense. "The man in the Chasm today was J, wasn't it?"
I don't bother denying it. I would have had to tell him at some point, anyways. "How did you know?"
"You keep staring at the spot with a blank expression." Tobias explains, tilting his head slightly to indicate the spot he's talking about, even though it needs no explanation. "You're part Abnegation. If it were someone innocent, you'd be frowning, at the very least. But since you're not, I'd say that it was someone not so innocent. And the only Dauntless I can think of that you don't like are Zayden and J. And Zayden is alive, so..." He trails off, leaving his conclusion unspoken, but lingering in the air. There's a question there too, one of confirmation.
"Yeah. It was."
"How are you feeling about it?" He asks, cautiously, in a tone not exactly pushy, but not exactly nonchalant either.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to talk about J, or the way he died, or what he almost did.
But Tobias is just trying to help me. And, somewhere deep down, I think I know that I need it.
It's a loaded question, so I take a few moments to think before I respond. "I... I don't know. I'm glad that he's gone, that he can't do anything to anyone ever again. But feeling like that makes me feel... guilty. I mean, the guy's family and friends are mourning, and I'm mentally celebrating."
"If you're going to throw yourself a guilt tripping party, at least have the decency to invite me." Tobias remarks, smiling crookedly. The comment makes the edges of my lips tug up. "Honestly, the first emotion I felt when you just confirmed that it was J was relief. But when you put it like that, it makes me sound like a jerk."
"That's my job, Toby. Now, where's my paycheck?"
"Ha, ha. Very funny. But, seriously, Cam. He died because he was an idiot and got drunk too close to the Chasm, not because of you or me. He did this to himself and the people he cares about, not us." Tobias' places his hands on my shoulders, squeezing them slightly to accentuate his point. "After what he did, feeling relief is normal. Both of us have to stop feeling bad about it."
I'm not sure if I can ever let my emotions, especially strong ones, like guilt, go. But, for my sake and Tobias', I've got to try.
Guilt is a heavy emotion, heavier than even grief. It settles itself on your shoulders and refuses to move. It eats away at you, little by little, for a long time, maybe even forever. I would know. The guilt I carry can be seen in my slumped shoulders, whenever I feel particularly bad, like now. I see it in Tobias, too, the way his shoulders droop after a particularly bad event, but never when he's around other people.
I refuse to let Tobias watch me collapse under that weight, no matter how small the chance is of that happening.
"Okay." My voice is small, but otherwise sure. "I'll try."
"And I'll try too." He responds. I smile at him.
We sit in silence for another minute, before Tobias claps his hands together. The sudden noise makes me jump, and spot Tobias grinning beside me. I glare at him, but, somehow, that makes him grin bigger.
"Well, now that that's done with," Tobias' smile instantly falters, and I subconsciously sit up straighter, partly curious and partly apprehensive about what he's about to say. "We need to talk about the Erudite."
Oh. No wonder he's so anxious. If I weren't so consumed with initiation and the events of late, I would probably have been fretting over it too. They're going after our old faction - which, even though it never held good memories for us, we still care for - and the leaders of our chosen faction are going to be co-conspirators to it. That's a more than adequate reason to worry.
"Have they done something yet?" I question my brother.
"Not exactly. Nothing explicitly incriminating, as far as I know, although I only have a limited view of the compound. But concerning." Tobias is now staring off to the side, eyes unfocused, as though he is recalling a memory, probably of some security footage. Based on his frown, it definitely isn't good.
"What did they do?"
"Jeanine's assistants did try to hide it, but yesterday, they brought vials into the Dauntless compound. Vials full of... something."
"Vials?" It takes a moment for my brain to catch up with Tobias' words, but once it does, my eyes widen. "They're synthesizing a chemical. In secret. And bringing it to show to the Dauntless leaders. In private."
Tobias nods solemnly. "Based on those facts alone, we can assume that Jeanine doesn't want anyone but those who are working with her to know about it. And that means it's probably included in their plans, most likely for the Abnegation. It could even be something harmful. It's hard to believe, but possible."
I frown. "But Jeanine, being Erudite, operates on logic. What would she gain from hurting or killing the Abnegation?"
Tobias shakes his head. "I don't know, Cam. We don't even know what she wants yet. And I don't understand why she'd risk hurting the Abnegation, anyway, with three other factions watching. The Dauntless leaders may be helping her, but that doesn't mean the rest of the Dauntless will agree with her actions. Amity will certainly disagree, and the Candor will probably try to put her on trial, because hurting the Abnegation would be a crime."
My frown grows deeper. Tobias is right. Why would she risk her standing in our city to hurt the Abnegation, who, in comparison to Erudite's many wonders, have nothing? "If she does intend to physically harm the Abnegation, then she knows that it would hurt her somewhat, but she might be confident enough in the ability of her slander campaign to ruin the other factions' perception of Abnegation and make them turn a blind eye to it. It's a calculated risk; if she goes through with that plan, it would mean she believes that whatever she's trying to gain from the Abnegation is worth more than any favor she may lose due to that plan."
The most damning part goes unsaid. Worth more than the Abnegations' lives.
"That's a good theory." Tobias compliments me. "But right now, that's all this is, just speculation. Even if we had somebody to report this to, no one would believe us."
"So, we need facts." I summarize. "Undeniable facts, so we don't sound like complete idiots, and so we know what to do next."
"That's one way to put it." My brother shoots me an amused half-smile.
"So, who would have the most facts?"
"Jeanine." Tobias doesn't hesitate in his response. "She's the brains behind all of this, she's obviously going to know the most."
"Right. But is there any way we can access any of Jeanine's information?"
At this, Tobias frowns again. "I don't think so. I'm pretty good at programming, but the Erudite have been working on and building up their online defenses for decades. Hacking into their systems would take time, and I'm not sure I could do it undetected."
"Okay." My mind spins with all the problems we're currently facing, and possible solutions to them. "The next best option would be the Dauntless leaders. Do you think you could get into their files?"
My brother perks up, looking a little bit hopeful for the first time since we began talking about the Erudite. The expression lifts my spirits a little, too. "I think so. All I would have to do is walk into one of their offices and send the files to myself, somehow. Max' computer would probably be best, since he's the head leader."
"Okay." A question pops into my head, and I open my mouth to ask him about it. "How would you do that?"
"Well, I could copy and transfer all the files into a cloud drive, or send them via email or through the Wifi or LAN, but those would all be easily detectable. I could put all his files onto a USB, then take it to my computer in the control room, but if someone else ever got their hands on that, it would be incriminating evidence against us." Tobias thinks for a minute, then snaps his fingers. "Maybe I could code a mirroring program for his computer. It would be the least detectable, and I'd have access to his computer in real time, not just the files from the time before I go in."
I nod along, liking the plan. "Sounds good. How long will it take you to write that program?"
He grimaces, as though just thinking about it. "Between my initiation duties and my job in the control room? A little while. It won't be finished until at least a while after initiation, and that's if I spend all my free time on it." My hopes of dealing with the Erudite as quickly as possible sink. After all, the longer it takes to determine the Erudite's motives, the higher the possibility of someone getting hurt. At my disheartened expression, my brother attempts to lighten up our conversation. "But, hey, we'll still have plenty of time afterwards to take action. And it's better than hacking into Erudite's systems."
It works. I snort at him. "You really think you could have pulled that off?"
He puts his hand to his heart in an expression of mock offense, and gasps exaggeratedly. "You dare question my computer skills?"
"Yes, I dare." I smirk at him. "What are you going to do about it?"
"Nothing." I raise my eyebrow at him, disbelieving. "Not now. But, one day, I will avenge my lost honor." He continues the dramatic monologue, and I laugh at him.
"Sure, you do that." After the mildly affronted expression falls off his face (which takes a moment or two), he joins in with my laughter.
After our laughter subsides, the atmosphere feels a little lighter. So, I decide to ask him, "So, how is everything else going? Like, you know, life?"
He smiles at me, eyes sparkling with amusement. "Great, actually. Zeke doesn't drag me on double dates anymore, probably because he thinks I want to spend time with you."
I bring a hand up to my own heart, mimicking his expression of mock offense from a minute ago. "Is that all I am to you? An excuse?"
He smirks. "Well, you're definitely useful as one." I swat my hand at him playfully, and he quickly amends his statement. "Obviously, that's not all you are, but that's a part of it."
"Oh, I see how it is. Anything else?"
He shrugs. "Initiation's going well, I spend lots of time with you and Zeke and Shauna, and I'm... I'm happy."
To anyone else, the statement wouldn't sound very groundbreaking. But it makes a huge smile stretch across my face. In all our years in Abnegation, we only had small, stolen bits of happiness, with each other, and, earlier, with our mother, but they were always quickly blotted out by the sadness, the pain, the fear. Our personal demons.
Tobias has seemed pretty happy since initiation began, certainly happier than he ever was in Abnegation. But this is the first time he's admitting it to me, out loud. To voice something, to me at least, means to acknowledge its existence, and I think we're both afraid that anything we have will be torn away. So, admitting it is a step, for us.
"So, what's going on with you?" Tobias asks.
"There's initiation, of course, and my friends are amazing. Lav and Ethan are still together, and they seem really happy. Julia's just as determined and fierce as ever."
"Yeah, I noticed during initiation." Tobias shakes his head, but it seems to be more admiring than condescending. "She'll most likely make it. I'm thinking she'd do good in a leadership role. Doesn't have to be faction leader, could be something like patrol leader. She has the will for it."
"Honestly, I think that whatever job she chooses will be lucky to have her. I haven't met many people with her drive. Still think she's Erudite?"
Tobias flinches a bit at the question, but answers. "After watching her through initiation? No. She really seems like she wants to make herself a place in Dauntless, and she gets quieter when anyone mentions Erudite in her earshot. Of course, we can't rule anything out completely, but I think I at least somewhat trust her now."
I nod, satisfied with the outcome. I understand Tobias' distrust, and it's wise. But after everything Julia's done, for others and me, I can't make myself believe that she's an Erudite spy.
"Speaking of jobs," Tobias begins speaking again. "Do you know what you're planning to do after initiation?"
I shrug. "I haven't really thought about it. But I do know I don't want leadership."
To Tobias' credit, he doesn't linger on that, probably because he knows why I don't want leadership. It's the same reason he turns down leadership every time it's offered to him.
"That's fine, there are lots of options. Personally, I think you'd be a good Faction Ambassador."
"What?" I look up at him, shocked. "Why?"
"You remember how I told you you're good at comforting people?"
"Yeah. But what does that have to do with this?"
He turns his head away to watch the roaring water. "Well, those abilities may come in handy when talking with the other factions' representatives, especially if they're getting angry or frustrated. A huge part of negotiations is making both sides satisfied with a deal."
I tilt my head, looking at my brother. He looks deep in thought. Every one of his words were honest and sincere, I can sense that. "That's actually not a bad idea. I'll think about it."
Tobias doesn't respond, just tilts his head to the side in an acknowledgement of what I said, and I continue my rambling. "And Juniper, Kian, and Chloe have been incredible. Kian and Chloe got second and first, respectively, but you probably already knew that. And Rowan..." I hesitate, not knowing exactly what to say about him. Rowan is my friend, and yet he's gotten closer to me than any of my other friends have. He's uncovered one of my deepest, darkest secrets, my past, and saved me from one of my worst fears playing out in real life. After all that, 'friend' feels like too small of a word for him. "Well, he's done a lot for me." I sum it up as that.
"Why?"
What? "What do you mean, why?"
"Why do you think he's done so much for you, for us?"
I furrow my eyebrows as I think about Tobias' question. Why has Rowan tried to be my friend? Why has Rowan hid the secret of Marcus? Why did Rowan save me from... him?
"I... I don't know." I admit. "But I'm glad he's there. He's been nothing but understanding and helpful, even before he knew."
Tobias hums in response, turning his head to look at me again, an expression I've never seen before on his face. There's amusement there, but also another emotion I can't identify.
But the thoughts of what that expression means get pushed out of my head with his next question. "Are you happy?"
I don't hesitate in responding. "Yeah. I am happy."
A/N: Ooooo, who is this mysterious Sean? And what does he have to do with Julia's (suddenly darker) past?
Don't get too invested in him, though, he won't be coming up again for a long while. Just a little sprinkle of foreshadowing...
Book time! Today's story is...
The Enemy Above! (By Michael P. Spradlin)
This is a beautiful story of survival, set during the Holocaust, about a teenage boy, his family, and his friends' fight for survival, while being hunted down by the Gestapo. The way they evade the Major Karl Von Duesen - a Gestapo official hard-set on catching their group - is certainly unique - underground tunnels! It's been a few years since I last read this book, but I remember that I absolutely loved it.
Link to the author's page: https://michaelspradlin.com/books/enemy.php
This book has no sequels.
Okay, so, more serious topic. If you've been stalking me (which is creepy, Stop It), or just pay really good attention to my author's notes, you'll know that I'm a Texan. And just yesterday, our entire state - the entire nation, actually - endured a tragedy, in the form of the deaths of 19 students and 2 teachers in a mass shooting at Robb Elementary in Uvalde, Texas. I just wanted to bring some attention to the victims and their families, whose lives will never be the same again.
Eva Mireles, Irma Garcia, Uziyah Garcia, Xavier Lopez, Amerie Jo Garza, Jose Flores, Rogelio Torres, Makenna Elrod, Tess Marie Mata, Annabelle Rodriguez, Ellie Garcia, Nevaeh Bravo, Eliahana Torres, Jailah Silguero, Jayce Luevanos, Alithia Ramirez, Jacklyn Cazares, Alexandria Rubio, Maite Rodriguez, and the 2 students whose names haven't been released - there are no words that will bring all of you back, alive, that will give all of you back your bright futures. All I can say to you and your families is I'm sorry - I'm sorry for your losses, I'm sorry for the grief this event has caused, I'm sorry about how badly we all have failed you, when it came to preventing tragedies like this. Like I said, there are no words that will help with the pain, but I am thinking and praying for each and every one of the deceased, the injured, and their families. For the rest of your lives, I wish you every happiness.
Legitimately, I nearly cried while reading the profiles on all the victims. So many pictures, so many gone, all so young... this isn't okay. This should never be okay. And what's even sadder, it will continue to happen, until we do something about it. How long will it be until we ourselves are personally touched by this issue?
Moving off that somber topic, this chapter was a little shorter than usual, I hope you all don't mind... I couldn't think of anything else for them to talk about. Come back next time for (most of) the initiates' first experience in the fear landscape room, featuring Lauren.
Gracias por esta aqui, mi estrellas! Nos vemos!