Light streams through the pale pink mesh curtain dangling in front of the big window onto Carrie's bedroom floor, fluttering across my maths book. The evidence of spring continues to appear each day that goes on. The air feels lighter but I just feel heavy, too heavy some days and it's too much of a struggle. Too much of a struggle not to think about him. Every single thing reminds me of him. Especially what he said before I left.
I do trust him.
I trust him more than anything or anyone in the entire world. I know he'd never cheat on me but I don't trust myself not to be enough for him, the girl he deserves. Not that he'd ever take me back anyway. The cold, harsh tone that followed in my wake as I left for Carrie's house. I hurt him so badly that I don't blame him. I don't know whether I regret leaving, I need space to think and just take a break. Maybe he's right, maybe I don't love myself enough but I love him and I miss him, it feels like someone's just torn my heart in two and left it bleeding in my chest, blood dripping into my lungs, suffocating with the intensity of it. Every morning I long to wake up next to him only to be reminded I'm in an empty bed, cold and pristine. Dusky rose sheets smother my skin instead of the black comforter that smells of him, of us. I want my quarterback back but I can't. We... need space... until I can figure it all out and figure me out. I've never had this much love and it's overwhelming.
My phone buzzes beside my book startling me as I look at the illuminated screen, it's not like I was even focusing on my maths anyway.
Helen: Morning Honey, hope you're doing okay this morning. You're always welcome to come home but I understand you need space, love you regardless and we're always here
My eyes burn as slick tears drip from my eyes, she's sent me a text every day. Never pressuring me just being... a mom. I sometimes reply if I'm feeling up to it but I know she doesn't expect me to. I type back a small reply 'thank you' and switch my phone off completely. It's hard enough trying to study with my mind constantly going but I didn't need the addition of my phone, people always asking what's going on, and why Blaze hasn't been at school. Breathing deeply the newly sucked air is thrown from my lungs when Carrie's bedroom door swings open, timidly. Three faces pop around the door, catching sight of my tear struck face they join me on the carpet.
"Atlas..." Emily clutches my hands pushing everything out of the way.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." Carrie shoots me an unconvincing look, "Really I promise." I spoke to Carrie about everything when I turned up on her doorstep and the girls know most of what happened but I don't want to talk about it, If I talk about it I have to face what the frick I've done.
"Look, we've all been studying hard-"
"Some way harder than others." Vixxie cuts Carrie off, throwing my math book down playfully next to me then coughs into her hand, "Avoiding." To which Emily hits her shin.
"And I think it'd be nice to... get out and do something yano. Just us maybe go out for lunch or something." Carrie continues, this is obviously a master plan to actually get me out of the house... They all smile rather creepily at me, desperately. Because it's not just me that's been holed up in Carrie's room, it's all of them. They're missing out on spending time with the rest of the group because they're insistent on staying with me every waking moment making sure I'm okay. The first couple of days all I did was cry into a tub of ice cream, them either holding my spoon or wiping my face before dancing it off late at night. Usually, them watching from the corridor of the dance studio. I'd never be able to thank them for the unholy love they've given me.
"Guys, I really appreciate it. And everything else you've done for me but I really need to study. My scholarship is riding on this and I'm just being Debbie downer at the moment, I'll spoil your fun. You guys need to go out tho, have a break from babysitting my ass. I'll be fine I promise, please go out. Do something fun." They exchange not so subtle glances, pity dripping off them. I could feel the anger bubbling under my skin, I don't deserve their pity for what I did to him.
"We're just worried Atty. You're... well you're..."
"A shell. You've become a shell again babe." Vixxie drops next to me pulling me to her side, her jasmine scent engulfing me. "And we hate seeing you like this. We want out Atty back. I think... I think Blaze is the same and you both miss each other and we all miss you two being you and the dynamic is just... yano. We just want to see you out and about." I squeeze her hands ignoring the churning in my stomach, the guilt that oils my skin.
"I know, I really am sorry and I appreciate you guys being such good friends." I've already burdened you enough, "But I really am fine I just need time and space. You guys go out. Please just have some fun! I've got so much studying to keep up on anyway." Lies. I can't concentrate at all. They look unconvinced so much so I get up to pull them each off the floor. "Go! Please! Don't stay cooped up with me."
"Are you one hundred per cent sure?" Emily fixes me a serious look.
"Yes, I'll be even more upset if you don't go out!" I cross my arms and walk them silently to the threshold of the door frame just as the doorbell goes. We all stare at each other blankly.
"Did you order something?" I question, Carries numerous parcels are always being delivered. New designer here, more designer there. Her wardrobe is overflowing, literally, pieces of clothing are crawling out.
"No, it's probably just my mom, forgot her keys or something. I'll get it." She shrugs starting her descent down the wide marble staircase. The others grabbed their bags and jackets following behind. I trail behind them, barefoot, arms wrapped tight around my middle on top of my pale pink wrap cardigan. As we reach the bottom of the stairs a familiar voice warms my heart as Carrie lets him through the door, hair nearly brushing the frame of the double doors.
"Thank god, I feel bad leaving her here, she says she's fine but I know you'll put a smile on her face," Carrie whisper hisses as he steps into the foyer, my feet hit the marble floor and he turns to me.
"Hey Big A." Brady smiles warmly dropping his bag on the floor.
"Hey, doofus." I smile back watching slightly as the girls edge toward the door. Brady's been checking up on me every day, visiting or texting me.
"Now you have a babysitter I feel better leaving your ass." Vixie winks ushering the other girls towards the car.
"It's all good, daddy B is here to save the day. Have fun." VJ rolls her eyes before the door slams shut.
"Don't... just don't..." I laugh.
"Blaze said the same thing but I told him it's a hit with the girls." I tense at the name, the brief amusement dripping from my face. "Hey." He pulls me into his chest, the familiar smell of aftershave and Jolly Ranchers falling from his red hoodie, his arms wrap around me and I relax into him, "How are you, honey?"
"I'm okay." I breathe still clutching onto him in the middle of the foyer.
"Liar. But that's okay. That's why your bestie is here." Chuckling I pull back to look at his gleeful face, "Now I've seen that gorgeous smile... let me raid the fridge." Shaking my head he stalks off to the kitchen.
After Brady grabs his body weight in food from the double door fridge and extensive pantry we settle down on Carrie's couch, the fluff covered L shaped piece of furniture that takes pride of place in the open living room.
"So," Brady crunches on a mouthful of chips, "Let's talk. What's been going down?"
"You know what's going down, I've literally been texting you every day." Our knees touch as his snort shakes the section of the couch were on.
"I know but I saw you like three days ago and I missed seeing your face." He smiles sipping from a bottle of Gatorade.
"You're a goofball." My fingers fiddle with the cuff of his hoodie.
"And you're sad. And I don't like it." He lifts my chin slightly and looks deeply into my eyes, a sadness of his own reflecting in them. "I spoke to Blaze yesterday." I look up as my shoulders straighten, the urge to ask how he is- "He's hurting, like you are." Guilt digs its claws into my mind. "You're both destroying yourselves and I hate sitting by and watching this but I know you both need time and space, as much as I hate it."
"I know, I know but I just... it hurts B. It hurts so much but I can't go back yet... I dug this hole myself and maybe it's what I deserve now." Tears crest my lashline.
"It's not. Neither of you deserves this. You're scared Atty and he is too, you're both petrified and that's okay. You need to talk things out rationally and truthfully when you're both ready. I think you both know what you have to do. You want New York, he wants Alabama and as much as you both would, neither of you would allow the other to give up their dreams. That's what makes you two so special." He gently brushes the tears that have fallen down my pale cheeks.
"What did he say," I whisper, afraid of their conversation. I look closely at his face, the few welts that litter his skin, no doubt from Blaze. I reach out to touch one timidly, eyebrows drawn in question.
"It was worth it." He shrugs completely unfazed. "Trust is a big thing with Blaze, it's taken him years to understand the term and you were the first person he really let in, let you see everything..."
"I do trust him, I really do trust him. More than anyone else, more than myself." I cry, my chest splitting in two as coldness sweeps in and freezes me dry inside, agony running alongside my lungs. Brady pulls me into his chest wrapping his big arms firmly around me as I breathe in his smell of lemons and the familiar Jolly Ranchers smell.
"Shush, I know. I know you trust him. I know." His tone is warm as it caresses the broken pieces of my heart.
"I- I just... I don't want him to miss out... I want him to really live, like... like not be tied down and trapped like he was with his dad. I-I... I want him to have more... I love him so much but what if I'm not enough, I don't want him to feel trapped." I cry into his chest as he strokes my hair tenderly, he doesn't say anything for a while just lets me cry. Brady is my rock. There's no doubt about it, whilst I love the girls and they've done so much for me I don't want to burden them when they have their own relationship problems to deal with. Brady has forced it out of me, not leaving until he's satisfied I've unloaded and then held me when I've cried. Sat on the phone with me at two in the morning when I woke from a nightmare craving Blaze's touch.
"I think that's the problem honey. You love Blaze but you don't love yourself, you're still dealing with all of it, marvellously may I add, but you've still got to communicate with him about this." He brings my head up, and a small smile played on his lips. "All couples fight, this is just a blip and it's healthy... sort of."
"You really believe so?" I sniffle.
"I'm sure so. I've never met two people more perfect for each other. It's so sickening and oh fuck me, it's so cringy and does not tell anyone about this but..." He breaths in deeply and takes both my hands, "You both found each other at like, the darkest points of your life and oh god... Yano Atty I didn't believe in the soulmates crap until I saw you two and now... well... that's how I know it's all going to be okay." His eyes hold my gaze, hands clasped around my own and we take a moment in the quiet as I pondered over his words, I don't know what's going to happen but at the moment the part of me that always holds that kernel of hope is dim and burnt out. "Anyways, I think that's enough depressing shit for today. What are we doing for your birthday?" His finger digs into my cheek as I groan, tipping my head towards the ceiling. My birthday is coming up in the next few weeks, June the 18th and it couldn't seem further away. I haven't even thought about it, I never usually do but especially with Blaze, I've felt even less like celebrating than usual. My birthdays have never been a big thing, when I was In the system it was forgotten and with my foster parents, their idea of a present was painful. The only one who cared was my momma and it hurts to think about her with me on my birthday.
"It's not a big deal," I mumble playing with the rings on my fingers.
"Like shit it is, you're turning eighteen and we want to fucking celebrate it." His brows furrow.
"I've never really celebrated my birthday, not since my momma and... it makes me... sad to think about it. Besides, it's right in the middle of finals and exams!" I sigh as his arm cups my shoulders pulling me into his stomach as we lay there on the sofa, crunching M&Ms in his mouth.
"Well, that's why you deserve the best birthday ever, forget about everything else and replace the sad memories with newer and more amazing ones with friends who love and want to celebrate you." He sighs softly and the quiet hangs around us, "I'm not taking no for an answer, besides someone might have already started planning something."
I groan from behind my hands that cup my face. Not getting out of this one it seems.
SHE'S BACKKKK!!!! Thank you all for being so patient with me! Over the because couple weeks I'm going to try and get back into a writing schedule getting it around my work rota!! Whilst I was off trying to do my exams and assessments we hit 500k reads.... Wtf guy I can't thank you enough, thank you so so so so so much from the bottom of my heart. Especially the supporters who have been here from the beginning and those who have also read TTS xxxx
Alsoooo.... I might have got a Sarah J Maas inspired tattoo yesterday;) me and my bestie got matching ones ;))
If you liked the chapter please hit that star!!! ❤️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️