February 12th, 10:00 am
Since JJ hadn't slept at all last night, I was hoping she would sleep now. I think it would be better for her to not be so tired when we talked about the pill again.
I want JJ to do what's best for her, but I think having a real conversation about it is good before she actually takes it. She refused any sort of counselling at the doctors office. Honestly I shouldn't have let her go yesterday. I should've made sure she had thought the entire thing through before she got the medication. That would've avoided last night.
Luckily, after the nebulizer had finished JJ actually fell asleep on the couch. I switched off the tv, and then carried her upstairs into bed. I laid her down, pulling a few blankets over her.
I shut the door, going back downstairs to let her sleep. I decided to call Hotch back, because I didn't answer earlier.
After a few rings he picked up. "Hotchner."
"Hey. It's Emily." I said. "Oh Emily. I'm glad you called me back. How's it going?" He asked.
"Loaded question. Nothings going to well. The sleeping thing is still stumping me though." The doctor had said her throwing up wasn't morning sickness, so it was something else.
"How'd it go last night?" He asked. "Well evening was a disaster. She only threw up twice throughout the night, but she didn't sleep at all." I sighed.
"Not at all?" He said. "Nope. She's asleep now though. I'm not sure how long it's going to last."
"Has she thought about therapy yet?"
"She hates the idea. I was thinking maybe waiting a few days, so she adjusts to being home first. I wish there was something I could tell her that would explain why she's throwing up. It's awful for her."
"I figured it would be. My best guess is still just anxiety. Something could be triggering it, but she's just not telling you."
"There's a lot she's not telling me. I'm trying my best not to pry. She's opening up more though. Maybe she'll tell me something."
"You can hope. What was so disastrous about the evening? Is everything okay?" He asked me.
"Yeah it's okay. It's private and she doesn't want me to talk about it. She's okay though. She'll be okay."
"Tell her I hope she feels better." He said. "I will, thanks. Bye." "Bye." He said, hanging up the phone.
After that I didn't know what to do, so I decided to start cleaning. Our house wasn't really messy, but I was able to tidy up a little. Cleaning is actually relaxing for me. I like doing it.
After that I decided to go check on JJ. It had been almost an hour.
When I walked into the room she was still asleep, but tossing and turning. She made small whimpering sounds, and it was clear she was having a bad dream.
I sat on the edge of the bed, hoping I could calm her down without waking her up. "Shhh, it's okay baby. It's okay." I whispered, stroking her hair.
She cried out again. "It's okay, it's alright." I continued to brush back her hair. She leaned into my touch, still fast asleep. "Emily." She mumbled. "Emily's here."
I always thought it was cute when she slept talked. I sat next to her for a few minutes until she was peacefully asleep again.
After that I walked out, heading downstairs. I still didn't know what to do, so I decided to make some soup. Chicken noodle soup is one of JJ's favorites. I had bought the ingredients to make it when I had time.
A few hours later it was done, and JJ still hadn't come down yet. I went back up to check on her. It was around 3:00pm now, so I was surprised she was still asleep.
When I went into the bedroom, I realized she wasn't in bed anymore.
I started to freak out. "JJ?" I called, looking around. I looked but I didn't see her. I went into the hallway, opening all the doors.
Finally I opened the door to one of the empty rooms, and saw her sitting on the floor. She leaned against the wall, gripping something in both of her hands.
I went inside, sitting down next to her. I could see now that she was holding the pregnancy test, staring at it.
"Hey." I said, giving her shoulder a squeeze. "How long have you been up for?"
She shrugged. "Couple hours."
"What have you been doing?" I asked. Now it made sense why she "slept" for so long. I was wondering if she really sat here for hours doing absolutely nothing.
"Just thinking."
"Watcha thinking about?"
She leaned her head back against the wall. "Emily do you want me to take that pill?"
I looked at her, surprised. "That depends. I want you to do what's best for you. If you want to take that pill then I'm going to be there. If you don't, I'm going to be there."
"It's different though. If I take the pill then it's all over. If I don't and you stay with me you'll be stuck with a baby you don't even love."
I stared at her in disbelief. "Jayje is that what you really think? That I wouldn't love this baby if you choose to keep it?"
"But why would you? It's not your child. You owe it nothing. It's just a baby that came from me having sex with someone who wasn't you. You'd resent me and you'd resent it too."
"That's not true JJ." I shook my head.
She looked at me, as I continued. "First, I'm not going to resent you because of it. Second, you didn't choose to have "sex" with him. He forced you and it wasn't your fault. I promise you JJ, I'd love both of you no matter what."
She played with the carpet on the floor. "You don't find it... sick? If I choose to keep it?"
"No! Of course I don't JJ. If you do keep it I wouldn't care whether or not I was related to them. I would love them like it was my own flesh and blood just the same."
"You wouldn't leave?" She sniffed. "God JJ what did you think? That I'd just abandon you and the baby?"
She shrugged, wiping her eyes. "I wanted to get it over with. So you wouldn't think about it and you'd stay with me. But I was about to take it... and I couldn't."
"Oh baby no." I pulled into a hug. "I don't want you to decide because of me. It's your body, you get to decide what you want to do. But I want you to know I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere."
I kissed the top of her head, and pressed my forehead to hers. She wiped her eyes again with the back of her sleeve, and looked up at me.
"This could be... this could be like our baby?"
"This can be our baby." I used my thumb to stroke her cheek.
"Are you even ready to have a baby?" She asked softly. I smiled, kissing her again. "There's no "right time" to have a baby. But if it's with you, it's perfect. So yeah, I'm ready."
"JJ I want you to think only about yourself right now. Not me, not the team, nobody else. Is this really what you want?"
She thought about it for a few seconds, and then nodded. "I want this baby."
"We're having a baby." I smiled at her. "A baby." She said softly, a sweet smile forming on her face.
JJ played with a strand of my hair. "I wish it was your baby. Yours and mine." She said. "It could be as pretty as you. And as smart."
I laughed quietly. "Jen you know it's not physically possible for us to make a baby right?"
"Yeah I know." She whined. "But I can still pretend."
"You're right. I can be the dad." I grinned, making her smile. "For the record, I'm happy with our baby looking just like you. It can have your pretty smile, your beautiful eyes, your gorgeous hair."
She blushed, leaning into me closer. Then her face turned a little more serious.
"I'm still scared." She admitted quietly. "About the baby? Or about everything else?"
She shrugged. "Both. Everything. I don't know."
I knew she was still scared. Even though it had felt like forever it had only been about 4 days since she got home.
"It's okay to be scared. Everyone's scared of something." I pulled her into my lap and brought my legs up for her to lean against. "Yeah everyone's scared of something. I'm scared of everything."
"Tell me the things you're scared about."
She stared down. "Which ones?" She asked. "All of them. Or one. Whatever you want."
She wouldn't look at me in the eye when she talked. "I'm scared that Alex is going to come through the door when I'm sleeping. I'm scared that my wrist will never heal. I'm scared the handprints around my neck will be there forever. I'm scared Alex isn't really dead. I'm scared the team will find out what he did to me. I'm scared of talking to them. I'm scared of being alone in any room. I'm scared of falling asleep. I'm scared that everybody hates me. I'm scared I'll be a terrible mom. I'm scared you'll leave me. I'm scared of miscarrying my baby." Tears streamed down her face. "I want to stop now."
I took my arms and wrapped them around her waist. "It's okay, you can stop now."
She started to cry harder and I was scared I sent her into a panic attack, but luckily it stopped at the crying.
I rubbed her back lightly. "JJ it sounds like you're scared of getting hurt again." I sighed.
She rested her face in my shoulder. "You've been hurt enough for 2 lifetimes. I'm going to do everything that's possible to make sure you don't get hurt again."
I knew I couldn't promise her she'd never get hurt. It's in her job, so unless she quit there's always a risk. But I can do my best to stop it.
"Why does it never end?" She cried. "I don't know sweetie. I don't know why so much is happening to you."
"But I do know you are the strongest person I know. Because most people wouldn't be able to survive just a fraction of the things you've been through."
"Saying it "makes me stronger" is bullshit." She cried. "I don't want to be stronger. I want it to stop."
"I know. It's not fair to you. It's not fair at all. But I didn't say it makes you stronger, I said you are strong. You were strong to begin with and you're strong now."
"Before you said it'll get better one day. Do you still believe that?" She asked, wiping her eyes. "Yes. I believe it'll get better one day. It won't feel like this forever."
"When will it feel better?" She sighed. "I don't know baby. I wish I could tell you."