by lizardcookie on archiveofourown.org
He fucked up. Really, truly, deeply fucked up.
He really didn’t mean to. Honestly, this is the last thing that James Potter had wanted from today. But when all was said and done, it was eight by the time Madame Pomfrey released him from the Hospital Wing. It was nine by the time McGonagall was finished yelling at him, then ten by the time he was out of Dumbledore’s office, and eleven by the time McGonagall yelled at him for a second round.
“Please, Professor, you can’t write to Mum about this. She’ll flip.”
McGonagall paused in her stride, eyes narrowing at James in criticism. “Well, maybe that should have been your first thought, rather than throwing around hexes!” James flinched, and he saw the old woman’s expression soften a level. “I won’t tell Euphemia. She’s got enough on her mind as it is.”
He nodded, not feeling up to acknowledging that Professor McGonagall was right. He envied Sirius, Remus, and Peter, who were released after the first round or reprimands with McGonagall. Well, Peter was sent back to the Hospital Wing, but regardless. They didn’t have to endure Dumbledore’s disappointment or questioning about how much of a risk it was to make him Head Boy, and they didn’t have to endure McGonagall’s disappointment either, which was exponentially worse than the Headmaster’s. He stared down at his shoes, the combination of exhaustion, shame, and worry causing tears to prickle at his eyes. He’d been trying hard all year to avoid major trouble (at least, avoid getting caught) and tonight’s events kept flashing before him as he was tangled in a vicious cycle, torn between regretting the fight or not.
He regretted getting caught. He regretted that McGonagall was disappointed in him, and most of all, he regretted that he was now over five hours late to a date with his girlfriend-- and then he was forced to question whether or not he still had one.
More than anything, though, James found that he was angry. Angry at Snape and Mulciber and Avery and Regulus. Angry that Dumbledore wasn’t doing enough to expel students who practiced Dark Arts within the castle. Angry that he’d let the Slytherins get on his nerves enough to duel them rather than moving on to find Lily. Angry that he felt like Snape had known exactly what he was doing, and angry that he fell for his taunts anyway.
Suddenly, James felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and looked up to see McGonagall standing over him. It wasn’t the strict gaze of his Transfiguration professor, but the kindly look of the Minerva McGonagall he had known before Hogwarts, the woman who had been his mother’s best friend through the years. She shook his shoulder gently, the way she did when he got in trouble at home while she was around.
“At least win this weekend, hm, James? So I have good news to bring to St. Mungo’s on Sunday.”
“You’re going see him?”
She nodded. “Don’t worry. Your father has lived a healthy life. This is just one set back. He’ll be back on his feet in no time.”
With a reminder that his detentions with Filch begin sharply at eight, James left McGonagall’s office, hands in his pockets, slowly making his way back to the dormitory. He glanced at his wizard’s watch, as if begging it to tell him that it wasn’t near midnight, he wasn’t over five hours past the time he promised Lily that they’d spend the evening at the Lake, no Quidditch and no Head duties or N.E.W.T. worries allowed.
By the time he trekked up to Gryffindor Tower, he wanted nothing more than to sleep, to pretend for one last night that maybe things weren’t so bad, he didn’t have two weeks of detention and he definitely still had a girlfriend. And for a moment, he got his wish. The Common Room was blissfully empty, the last embers of the fire crackling peacefully away in the hearth.
He made it halfway across the room before he realized he was wrong.
“You have two minutes,” the voice commanded. “Talk.”
Yep. Very, very wrong indeed.
The demand came from her usual spot, the chair in the back corner. He froze, slowly turning on his heel to face Lily Evans sitting with a book closed on her lap, still clad in the outfit she had clearly intended to wear by the Lake. It was with a large pang of guilt that he noticed how pretty she was, even in this moment, with her eyes narrowed darkly at him. So despite his exhaustion and shame, Lily became his priority-- as she should have been from the start of the evening when everything went to shit. He knew he owed her answers, but even when he opened his mouth, he found no words.
Wrong move. Her eyebrows shot straight into her hair, and she crossed her arms. “You don’t have to explain yourself. I could just go to bed. It’s not like I’ve been waiting for hours now. And you know, I was really worried when Mary told me she saw Peter in the Hospital Wing. I thought something horrible had happened, and that I was being selfish and should never have been upset with you in the first place.”
She was wearing a black top and a scarf under her cloak, her hair pulled away from her face so that he can see everything pass in her expression. Words still eluded him, but it wasn’t because he didn’t want to tell her. It was that the possibility of losing her paralyzed him with fear, and not for the first time since they started dating, his mind raced with some of the eventualities of not being with Lily Evans. She continued, her eyes (oh, how he’ll miss the way the looked at him) trained steadily at him.
“But that was before Remus and Sirius stumbled in here, which didn’t add up. You four wouldn’t be separated for nothing. And then I heard Sirius mutter about Regulus and Avery and…” she paused, only for a moment but he knew that if he didn’t explain himself soon, then she would fill in the holes herself, and he feared that there wouldn’t be room for him in whatever conclusion she reached in the end. Lily shrugged dejectedly as she continued.
“And Snape,” she finished. “And so the whole evening I thought I was being selfish, and I was just about to go find you when I realized--”
“No, Lily, I swear it’s not--”
“I realized that I was wrong,” she spoke over him. “I wasn’t the one being selfish. My prat boyfriend decided to regress two years in one evening. A record, I would think.”
“It’s not what you think,” James repeated himself, taking a step towards her. He ignored how much it hurt to see her take a counter-step back away from him.
“So you didn’t stand me up to fight Severus?”
“Okay, maybe it is what you think,” James waffled “But I swear, Lily it’s that simple--”
“Oh, my god.” She nearly laughed, her hand jumping to run through her hair. He tried not to smile at that, because honestly, he was closer to crying than anything. “I can’t believe it. Or maybe I can. I don’t know, which one is worse? That I should have known or that I always knew it would happen?”
He dared another step towards her. “I know you’re pissed at me-- I am too! Just, let me explain.”
She crossed her arms again petulantly. “I already gave you two minutes.”
“Two more,” he begged. She nodded. “I didn’t mean to,” he began lamely.
“Well, that makes me feel all better! Issue solved!” She threw her arms up scathingly.
“No, fuck, that’s not how I wanted to-- shit, let me start over.” James ran a hand through his hair, sighing. Trying to see how he could get her to see, that this was more than a hallway scrabble and had more to do with the war than with the House Cup. “We went down to the Kitchens cause I wanted to grab a picnic basket for us, right? I was going to surprise you with extra pumpkin bread from dinner,” he tried a humble smile and she turned her head from him. James sighed. “Sirius, Pete, and Remus and me took a shortcut through the passage near the Prefect’s bathroom, it lets out right near the Tower. I didn’t realize anyone else knew about it, but… That’s when we ran into Mulciber and Avery. Regulus, too, and yeah, Snape.”
“You couldn’t just ignore them? You couldn’t just suck up your collective egos for one moment and just keep walking?”
“Avery’s a big guy. He’s kind of difficult to just ignore.”
She glared at him for just a moment before turning back in her resolve to look at the wall instead of him. He ran an agitated hand through his hair before explaining.
“We tried to walk away. They were just loitering-- it wasn’t a big deal. They were just there to smoke, and we were just there to take a shortcut, and it wasn’t supposed to be a big deal.” Another sigh. “That was before your name got brought up.”
Again, she flicked her gaze over to him for just a moment before examining the wall once more. She didn’t look surprised. Just expectant to see where he was going with this. He shuffled his feet and looked down, avoiding the way that she bore into him with her gaze. He knew he had to tell her the truth, but how much of it did she need to know? Did she really need to know what Regulus said to Sirius about betraying the Black’s? Did she need to know that Snape spat at the ground when Mulciber brought up James’ relationship with Lily?
No, James decided. She deserved answers and deserved the truth, but sometimes the whole truth was unnecessary. Unnecessary wounds to reopen, unnecessary secrets and unnecessary details. The only necessary thing here was that Lily understood him, understood that he hadn’t picked an unnecessary fight simply because he felt like it. She still didn’t say anything or look at him, she stood waiting for his explanation.
“And, well,” James wavered again, “they said things about you.”
“Wow,” Lily breathed. “The crime of the century.”
“What was I supposed to do, then? Just let Mulciber make threats about you?”
“Yes, James!” She had marched up to him in a heartbeat, her short frame suddenly upon him. “Ignore them, because they weren’t really threatening me, were they? Mulciber was trying to get a rise out of you, and you let him. You fell for it.”
James rolled his eyes. “Oh yeah, I’m sure he didn’t really mean it when he said he would be looking out for the next chance you were alone so he could teach you a lesson about blood and power.” Those weren’t Mulciber’s exact words. In reality they had been much more vile. But again, some truths are unnecessary. “By the way,” James added sharply, “we’re no longer splitting up on rounds at night.”
“Oh, don’t make this about me,” her eyes flashed. “Don’t pretend that this had nothing to do with your same old rivalries against Snape and the other Slytherins. Don’t turn this into some noble cause, because I didn’t ask you to fight for me. I asked you to spend time with me, and instead you end up spending the whole evening in Dumbledore and McGonagall’s office.”
She answered his question before he had chance to ask it, pulling out the Marauder’s Map from her coat pocket and stuffing it towards him roughly. “Don’t blame Remus. He didn’t realize I summoned it from his pocket when he passed me.”
James shoved it into his own pocket wordlessly, waiting for her next move. He could tell something shifted within her, the fire of her fight burned out to fade into something he found much more foreboding. Defeat. She settled herself onto the couch and hunched her shoulders, looking just as exhausted as he felt. James moved towards her, thinking to reach his hand to touch her shoulder, but he opted instead to sit down next to her. He was relieved when she didn’t move away from him, but she stiffened slightly. James dipped his head so that he would be a little more eye level with her when he spoke again, quietly and gently.
“Lily, I swear to you, I tried to walk away. I didn’t throw the first hex. I had my back turned and a curse zoomed right over my shoulder, I don’t know who cast it. But the next moment everything went to shit and it was too late to worry about blame.”
Lily nodded once, hiding her face in her hands. Her anger was one thing, but this? Her refusal to acknowledge him? James couldn’t take it much longer
“Will you just look at me?” He pleaded. “I know you’re pissed, but please at least look at me in the eye when you break up with me.”
“You don’t get to be the dramatic one right now,” she mumbled, words garbled as they encountered her hands before they could reach his ears, “That’s me tonight. Besides, I’m not going to break up with you.”
And finally, finally, Lily lifted her face to look back at him, and it was a startling moment to realize that she was crying. Not a lot by any means, but a light red puffiness surrounded emerald eyes as Lily lifted a hand to smudge away a tear that had barely escaped.
“And I’m not pissed” she wiped at her eyes. “Anymore. No, I’m just so-- frustrated. Not just at you, but at me. I’m frustrated that this happened, and I’m frustrated that I immediately jumped to the worst conclusion about it. It was so easy to convince myself that I was right. I’m frustrated you got into a fight and I’m frustrated that I was so eager to fight you, too.”
Even more startling than the fact that she was crying, however, was that Lily threw her arms around his neck and engulfed him in a hug. James froze for just a moment before wrapping his arms around her and pulling her tighter, breathing a deep sigh of both relief and exhaustion. She had let down the walls she’d built up during their argument, and he couldn’t be more grateful. Lily wasn’t going to break up with him-- she was hugging him. He’d been a prat and she wasn’t going to break up with him.
“I’m sorry I doubted you,” she mumbled into his neck.
“I’m sorry I gave you reason to.”
“I don’t want to doubt you,” she pulled away, staring intently at him. The firelight flickered gracefully across her cheek, illuminating the one tear streak running down her face. Her thumbed it away as she continued. “I don’t want to doubt us. Because I’m in this for real, James, I’m not going to waste my time on something that won’t be worth it.”
“It’s worth it,” James kissed her at the top of her head. “This-- us-- we’re worth it.”
She held his gaze for a moment, fresh tears welling in her eyes before she wrapped her arms around him once more, tighter in her embrace than before.
“You're lucky that I love you so much,” she mumbled into his chest. “And for the record, this is not how I imagined telling my boyfriend that I love him for the first time, and I’m blaming you for that.”
James managed to wipe the stunned expression off his face rather quickly, all things considered, before his eyes lit up, his lips pulled in the first real grin he’d been able to wear in hours.
“If it makes you feel any better,” he pulled her chin up, and saw that her smile matched his, “this is not how I imagined telling you that I love you either.”
He kissed her, hands cupping her cheeks as she twined her fingers in his hair, pulling him closer to her. He deepened the kiss, and Lily addressed their awkward position on the couch by settling herself on his lap, her hands still in his hair while his traveled up her body before settling at her waist. To imagine that this moment, their whole relationship, could have been lost only made him feel everything more intensely than usual. The feel of her lips, the feel of her body, the feel of her love and the feel of all things Lily Evans. James Potter would never get enough of any of this.
A few long moments passed before Lily began to slow the kiss, and James tried desperately to continue it before she pulled away. Lily’s hands gripped his face, removing her mouth from his.
“Oh no,” Lily shook her head, tugging her lips away from his with a laugh, a sound he never grew tired of and a sound he would keep hearing because Lily Evans did not break up with him, no, instead, Lily Evans loves him. She stayed settled where she was though, not bothering to climb off him yet as she scolded, “Oh no, you still stood me up. We are not even yet.”
James opted instead to trail a line of kisses down her neck and she hummed approvingly, back at their usual banter. “I can think of a few ways to make it up to you.”
“So can I. You’re spending a week at my house during break,” she began.
“That’s a punishment? Oh, Evans, I’m going to have to get in trouble more often if this is what you chose as retribution.”
“And you have to come to dinner with Petunia and Vernon.”
More kisses. “S’alright.”
“And I’m gonna tell Mum that we’ve had sex, so good luck avoiding that conversation with her.”
James blanched, immediately leaning back to look at Lily with wide eyes. “You wouldn’t.”
“I would,” she grinned cheekily, before reaching out to kiss him on the spot near his jaw that she knew was a danger zone, and then suddenly she was standing up, untangled from his lap and striding away from him before he even got a chance to realize what was happening. James watched her path to the girls’ stairway before he called out to her.
“Hey,” James said, leaned back on the couch, relaxed. Lily turned, curious. “I love you.”
She smiled. “I love you, too.”
That was the only sort of getting even that either of them really cared about.