Chapter 12
Maura's pov
Jane called me, saying that she wanted to talk to me about something. She didn't say what exactly but I think I already knew what it was about. Maybe the moment had finally come – the moment to talk about the secret pact, to discuss our feelings and thoughts; the moment to come clean. We didn't talk that much lately, so I knew it had to be something important and big because Jane was calling me on the phone and nowadays that was a rare event. I was impatient to see her. We would be all alone, finally discussing what happened between us. At least that's what I was hoping for. I couldn't think of anything else she'd like to talk to me about.
After I heard a knock at the door, I quickly let Jane in. I was eager to find out what she had to say. I was very excited and a bit nervous at the same time, but I was trying to hold back my jitters.
"I have to tell you something," Jane said, sitting on the couch. She was really nervous, I could tell, but I didn't know whether that was a good sign or a bad one.
"Okay," I said, sitting next to her, ready to listen to whatever she had to say. I think I knew what she wanted to talk about but I let her be the first to bring that up so I could hear what she had to say about it. I preferred it that way.
"I got accepted in Boston Cambridge University." Jane announced the big news and I was flabbergasted when I heard.
I remembered that she had mentioned she wanted to study there, but she has never said that she would apply. It wasn't the news that I expected to hear at all. I expected that Jane would want to talk about our secret pact and I got very disappointed when I found out that she actually wasn't here for that. I just couldn't let it go. I really needed to talk about the pact, and it was the perfect time since we were all alone. But Jane hadn't mentioned it at all, like it never happened; and there she was, saying some news I had no idea what to think of. I simply didn't know what to make of this news.
"That's... that's great news." I said with fake enthusiasm, desperately trying to cover my disappointment. I was happy for her – really, - I just didn't expect it. It was so out of the blue that I truly didn't know what to say, what to think at all, and most importantly - how to react. I just thought we would be finally talking about the secret pact, but she obviously didn't feel any need to talk about it. Jane had never mentioned she wanted to study in Boston Cambridge University, and I was deeply hurt that she was saying it so late and out of nowhere. I felt like my opinion about it didn't matter to her at all. She made me feel so small; it seemed Jane simply couldn't care less whether I knew about her intentions to apply there or not. Her indifference bothered me very much.
"I didn't even know you have applied," I retorted, trying to cover the fact that I was very, very offended that she hasn'told me she applied at the same college, which was something she should have shared earlier. "But why would you bother telling me..."
I felt really annoyed because she hadn't even told me. We were best friends - she just had to let me know in advance. I was so surprised that Jane kept it a secret from me for so long. Maybe she got a letter the same day I was accepted, but she has never told me that she even applied. And perhaps she kept it a secret from me for so long. But even if she got the acceptance letter later, that didn't justify her behavor and I think she should have told me about it at the very beginning. Or at least make some hint at me. Or just say something. Anything at all. The old Jane would have told me that she has applied at the same college, but the new Jane was so drawn and cold. And so very different. And indifferent, too. In the past – before the stupid pact – we used to share everything with each other, even the smallest things, and every single detail about... well, about everything. The reality was harsh, but it was all true and I had to face it – Jane and I have grown apart and the fact that she hadn't told me such big news was the undeniable proof. And I was kind of irritated by the fact that she didn't tell me earlier. Why would she apply and not tell me - I couldn't think of even one simple reason that she could possible have for not telling me about it straightforwardly. Nothing could justify her actions.
"No, it's not great news, Maura." She looked at me like I should have known that in advance. "You know my parents can't afford it. I am not going to study there. I just can't."
"Then why are you telling me this?" I was confused about it because it was so unexpected, I couldn't even process it completely, and I had so many questions that I wanted to ask her. When did she apply, and most importantly - why didn't she tell me? I wanted to to yell at her all these questions that bothered me deeply, but I just asked, "And why are you telling me this then, when it's sounds to me that you have already made up your mind?"
"Why I am telling you this?! Because I needed my friend. Have you seen her lately?!"
Her outburst was so abrupt, it simply startled me. She didn't yell very loud, but I was just utterly surprised by her bad behavior. Jane hurt me really deeply with her statement. Her tone was so accusing, like she was blaming me for something; like it was completely my fault. She was the one who haven't even mentioned about applying to Boston University. How was that my fault!? I just couldn't believe her audacity to blame me when it was clearly her fault. It got me pretty mad too. The nerve she had! She was the one who acted so coldly lately, the one who drew away from me purposely or not, I had no idea. But I couldn't even recognize her anymore. It was like she was so drawn, pushing me away on purpose. And now she was blaming me for everything!? She acted like a totally different person.
"What's that supposed to mean?!" I could't stay indifferent to her accusing tone.
"You know that I can't go to Cambridge, Maura!" She reminded me, sounding so irritated at me, like I was some idiot who couldn't understand a word she was saying.
"Well, then don't!" I retorted angrily. What did she want from me?! Ugh! She was being so mean and unthoughtful. I just couldn't recognize her. I was so pissed at her at that moment. Angry at her for keeping secrets from me; for keeping her distance, and being so cold lately; for her accusing and stern tone that sounded like she was scolding me as I was some small child, while she talked to me; for her sudden outburst; for her lack of desire even to mention the secret pact; for pretending nothing had happened between us. I was mad for so many things I couldn't even think of them all at that moment.
"Yeah, of course. Why would I want to study in Cambridge!?" she stated, irritated, rolling her eyes at me with annoyance. "It's not like my best friend is going there!"
"I didn't even know you wanted to go to Cambridge, Jane. Why didn't you say anything? Why did you keep it a secret? From me!?"
"Because, Maura, my parents can't afford it, and you know it. And I didn't expect that I would be accepted so why bother telling you when I-"
"Sure," I interrupted her, after hearing her last hurtful words that stabbed me like a sharp knife. I felt really bad, no matter how hard I tried to stay calm, and not mind her words. "Why would you bother telling me... " I shrugged nonchalantly, even though her comment made me cringe inwardly. I wasn't in a mood to listen to her excuses anymore – they were so lame.
"I didn't mean it that way," Jane started apologizing at me, like it made any big difference to me. But it was quite the opposite and her words simply didn't make things any better. "It came out the wrong way, Maura..."
"Did you come here just to tell me the big news? Or is there something else you'd like to talk about?"
I just wanted to be left alone. Jane was clearly angry for some reason so I wasn't going to take the blame for that. She needed to leave before it gets any worse. I couldn't stand seeing her so angry at me when I haven't done anything wrong. We could only make things worse by discussing it any further. So I hoped Jane would get the hint and just leave me alone. At least for now, until she calmed down. I didn't want to fight with her. I just needed some time to think. And I also asked her if there's something else she wanted to talk about just to make sure she would keep ignoring the elephant in the room. I simply knew she would do that, and I was a hundred percent sure of it – after all pretending was our new thing. And apparently avoiding some big issue was Jane's thing, and she was quite good at it.
"No. I don't. Do you?" Jane retorted back angrily, seeming frustrated with me. She rolled her eyes at me like she read my mind and already knew what I wanted to talk about and what I meant with that question, but she was so over it.
"You know, we must talk about it."
If I had to break it to her now, then so be it. I was sick and tired of avoiding the question; I wasn't going to tiptoe around her. Not anymore. I had to ask her. Straightforwardly. It was about time to clear things out. We just had to get it done. Avoiding the topic wasn't doing us any good. I wanted to clear things out with her, no matter the outcome.
"Talk about what?" She dared to ask, shrugging her shoulders nonchalantly. Like she didn't know!
"You know about what..."
"Oh, I suppose you mean our secret pact," she made air quotes, which just pissed me off even more. "We have nothing to talk about. At least I don't have anything to say about it. And what's there to say? Eh?...Uhm, you wanted me to have sex with you and I did. That's it! So didn't you like the service then? You have any complains?"
"Don't be so cynical, Jane."
Jane looked so furious at me. She was talking through grit teeth, barely holding her anger, spitting her words like venom. She looked down after my last comment, obviously regretting her words. But that didn't make it any better. She was debasing herself and I couldn't believe the way she demeaned our sex, or love, or whatever we had, just because she was angry at me. It just wasn't fair. She wasn't being fair to me. She has never talked to me like that before.
"I think I should get going," Jane said quietly.
I just turned around, trying to hide my face from Jane and the tears in my eyes that I needed to swallow because they threatened to show how vulnerable and hurt I felt at that moment.
"Maybe you should..."
I barely spoke the last words to her because they got stuck in my throat, but I managed to say them anyway. There was nothing left to say after that. I didn't want to stop her. If Jane apologized, she could stay. But maybe she meant everything she said. I didn't know for sure, so I didn't try to stop her.
And then Jane just left. I expected she would take back her words, or the least she could do was to apologize. I really thought that at least she would say something, no matter what. But she left without saying a single word! Without any apology! Without even looking at me. She just left... And I felt horrible.