The engine was still running, as I sat in front of the Smith house. I had been putting this off for forever, seeing him, seeing any member of the family after I left. And guilt was the reason.
I wasn't there for Dan when his wife died. I was so caught up in my life in California that by the time I realized that just sending my condolences wasn't enough, I was too ashamed to make the drive back.
I should have been here. I wrung my hand through my hair, waiting for the courage to walk through the door. It shouldn't be this hard. I was visiting Dan for god sakes, but I felt worse about it than I cared to admit.
If I hadn't run into his daughter on the first day of class, I probably wouldn't be here right now. I would have waited at least a month, maybe longer.
But god, was his daughter an eye opener. It's been way too long. In my absence she's grown into a woman, a beautiful woman. She was a few inches shorter than me, but she had legs that went on forever. Her freckles spread since she was little and her red hair was chopped down to her collarbones whereas it used to be so long that her mother had to tie it up in a ribbon.
Enough said, if she had grown this much since I've been gone, how much has this family changed. Will I ever be able to rekindle the friendship that Dan and I had. There was once I time when I thought of him like an older brother. We were inseparable. But it seems that an over the phone friendship doesn't strengthen any bonds.
I took a deep breath and stepped out of the car, slamming the door shut. Here goes nothing.
Dan opened the door and squinted against the sunlight, before he settled his eyes on me. "Tom?" He asked almost as if he couldn't believe it, which is well warranted.
"It's me," I said shifting from foot to foot. I was a little antsy. Just then the smell of booze hit me like a freight train. I refrained from scrunching my nose up wondering why he was so drunk considering it was only 6pm. That's when I got a look at his appearance. The stains on his shirt, his messy unkempt hair.
Not to mention how it looked like he hadn't shaved in a while.
"Come in, come in," he said opening the door for me. "Let's go sit on the couch."
I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and shut the door, locking it for him.
I took notice of the amount of empty bottles on the living room table, as I settled down into the sofa. And I had to say something. "What's going on with you?"
I'd never seen him like this, ever. I'd known him since we were in community college. I'd gone fresh out of high school because it was the best decision financially at the time. Considering I come from a middle class family, my financial aid package wasn't substantial. I thought that 2 years of community college would knock a lot of the cost off.
And it worked for me, within two years I transferred to Yale.
We met in a Music Theory course. I was there to fulfill my general education requirements and he was there because he simply was bored and wanted to learn about piano scales. I thought he was crazy when I met him. He inherited a successful business and yet here he was, back in school. But I also admired him and I looked up to him. I still look up to him.
He may have had his life handed to him, being the successor of his fathers business, but he was humble and kind. And he didn't let his life waste away, he did things to make himself better. To improve himself even on a small scale every single day.
But looking at him now, this is a stark contrast to the man I knew just 4 years ago. Like night and day. And a part of me wondered if I could have prevented this.
"I wish I could tell you, Tom," he said as he looked up at me from his spot in his recliner. "I'm just a drunk, a terrible father. There's no reason, no excuse. I have the power to change and every day I choose not to. It's boring, it's tired, and I refuse to waste this conversation talking about my failure."
"I don't believe it," I said shaking my head in disbelief. I couldn't. He's not a terrible father he's one of the greatest people I've ever known.
"Well, believe it." He said matter of factly. "Tell me about your life, Tom. It's been forever."
"Don't you change the subject on me. I need to know everything, I won't rest until I know everything."
And so he told me.
He told me about how he found his wife, Ella, dead and how that upended his life. He said he couldn't imagine a world without her and so he stayed inside, drank and watched tv.
He talked about how his son went off to Boise State alone and he wasn't there to help with his dorm. How he missed his daughters graduation because he'd had major withdrawal symptoms after attempting to be a good father by quitting drinking the day before. How he didn't remember the last time he'd been outside or done anything worthwhile.
But he also told me how desperately he wanted to change. He said he's never wanted anything more than to be a better man, but the lure of alcohol was too much, his spot on his recliner was too comfortable, and his lack of strength was enough to keep him in the same place. Constantly digging a hole for himself until it's became too deep for him to even consider climbing out.
And throughout his story, tears welled up in my eyes, but I refused to cry. I would not make him feel worse.
So I came up with a solution. "You can't climb out on your own, but I can help you."
"No one can help me," he said dejected.
But I rolled my eyes at him. "With that attitude nothing will ever change. I can help you and I will. I just can't do it for you. You have to make the commitment for yourself."
He looked at me with what looked like hope in his eyes. And I smiled at him as I tried to keep my tears at bay. Maybe I won't be able to take back the years I was gone, the time of our friendship that I wasted. But I can make up for it.
"I don't want you to say yes right now. Say yes when you don't feel like it. This isn't an impulsive decision, you're making an effort to change your life." I said with a nod of the head. "However, we will get you out of this house. You and Alora can come to my family's hideaway house and spend some time away from here for the weekend."
He smiled at me, "That sounds amazing."
"Good, now go take a shower you smell like shit." He laughed and got up.
Pulling me in for a hug, he slapped my back and said, "I missed you, man." It wasn't until he was out of sight that I let a tear fall.
I was picking up the bottles off the dining room table, when I heard keys jingling in the door. Alora came through the door with a focused look on her face. A book was in her hand, and she didn't look up as she kicked the door closed and blindly locked it.
"Alora?"
She jumped and looked up from her book with wide eyes. Putting a hand to her chest, she exclaimed, "Oh, you have got to stop doing that."
I smiled at that. "Sorry."
"Oh, you don't have to do that." She hurried over to where I was standing and grabbed a bottle out of my hand, lightly brushing her fingers against my hand as she did. She seemed to notice this because she flushed a lovely shade of pink before whipping around to toss it in the trash.
I followed behind her to discard the remaining bottles in my hand. I reached around her and dropped them in. She stilled.
She seemed to be affected by me in some way, so I stepped back to give her some space, watching her visibly relax. She turned around and asked, "Are you visiting dad?"
"Yeah, I am. Just came over to say hi." I ran a hand through my hair.
She nodded her head. "Well, come make yourself comfortable." She started opening drawers looking for something until she found what she was looking for. I'm still standing to the side as she produced a remote. "We have basically everything, it's a roku tv."
"That's okay, I was going to head out any way. But thank you," I assured her. But when her face fell, I wasn't sure I made the right decision.
"Oh," she said, a bit disappointed. She pulled her lip in between her teeth in thought. "I was hoping you'd stay for dinner. It's been a while since dad has had company. I think it would be good for him."
"Are you inviting me for dinner?" I asked, teasing her. I cocked my head to the side and raised my eyebrow. I think a little part of me wanted to affect her again, to see if I could fluster her. And sure enough her cheeks tinted as she avoided my gaze.
"I thought that was implied." She sounded troubled.
I chuckled quietly, and slipped the remote from her hands before sitting on the couch. She stood there for a moment before she walked into the kitchen without saying a word. I decide against watching tv and just layback, using my forearm to cover my eyes.
Today was a long day.
That's when bossanova music started flowing from the kitchen. Beautiful and calming. It wasn't long before sizzling started to accompany the sound. The smell of garlic wafted through my nose, and my mouth watered from over here.
I heard a beep before she emerged from the kitchen sitting in the dining room area. She was reading that pink flowery novel that she came in with, with one leg crossed over the other. Her legs in full display in her jean shorts. I watched her turn the page with a short white fingernail.
I had to tear myself away. Something about her was so enticing in this moment. Maybe it was that she was stimulating all my senses except for touch, whilst being completely unaware. In her own world, she was completely herself, while being demure at the same time. She drew me in so intensely.
That is until her father bounded down the stairs, pulling me from my vastly inappropriate thoughts.
Soon enough we were all sitting at the table, eating. I was sitting on my own as they sat together on one side. The food was incredible. I don't think that I had ever had shrimp alfredo quite as good in my entire life. She also had rolls set out that were too good for them to have been store bought.
As we all enjoyed our food, we talked. I caught Dan up with my life and Alora chimed in saying that she was a student in my class. Then, she proceeded to talk about how much she enjoyed it which caused my heart to warm a great deal.
I drove home with a smile on my face wondering why I didn't do this sooner. I felt blissful and at peace ready to open up this new chapter of my life. But I wasn't ready to admit to myself that Alora was contributing a great deal to my happiness.