by sunshinemarauder on archiveofourown.org
When Lily said it first, James Potter knew he was going to die of love right there.
For two years he'd imagined how he'd tell Lily Evans that he loved her. Following a romantic lakeside date, on the castle grounds during a snowy afternoon, laying in his bed holding her hand, or a thousand other options. In all of those daydreams, he'd been the one to say it first.
It wasn't that he didn't think she loved him- he hoped more than anything that she did. But James had been so certain that he loved Lily more than Lily loved him. Maybe it was because he was the more affectionate one, who gave out hugs and kisses like they were nothing. It could have been that he was eager and generous with his compliments, while Lily held them closer. Or maybe it was because he'd been infatuated by her for years longer than she had. It could have been any number of reasons, but somewhere deep down, James had thought that Lily didn't care about him as much as he cared about her.
That was why when she sprung the statement to him on a windy March afternoon, shocked was an understatement to describe how he felt.
It was his birthday - his eighteenth birthday, a coming-of-age in the Muggle world - and James and Lily were taking a stroll around the castle before dinner and the birthday party his mates planned for him in the Common Room. The conversation had been about everything and nothing at the same time. About the Marauders' last prank, leaving Hogwarts in June, NEWT exams, and the War. Everything and nothing.
Until suddenly, Lily stopped walking and wove her fingers through James's.
"James?"
"Yeah?" he said absently, fingers tracing over her knuckles.
"I love you."
He stopped stroking her hand and froze.
"What?"
She looked at him then, eyes crinkling with the look he'd come to realize was worry, and pulled her hand out of his. He immediately missed the contact.
"I- uh- you don't need to say it back, I just wanted you to know that I love you."
He was still staring at her, the sunset framing her fiery red hair, her green eyes peering from under soft lashes, her face an abstract portrait of everything she meant to him. She wouldn't meet his gaze, so he grasped her chin in his hand and gently lifted it to meet his eyes.
"I love you too," he murmured, stepping closer to her and winding an arm around her waist. "I was just surprised."
Lily frowned, finally meeting his gaze. "Why would you be surprised?"
James flushed. He didn't particularly want to tell her his insecurities about their relationship because it was so unlike him. He was the confident one, the one who nudged Lily to the next level. He was always sure about anything related to James and Lily. She was a little more reluctant. Sometimes he needed to prod her along to meet him where he was, and sometimes he had to fall behind to meet her where she was comfortable.
But Lily had just said I love you to him, so he figured he'd take the risk.
"Well, I always thought I'd say it first, and you would say you weren't ready. I dunno, I hoped that you loved me, but I didn't think that you would actually say it to me. I guess I- I always assumed you didn't love me."
Lily was staring at him like he was growing a mandrake out of his head. "Are you an idiot?"
James flinched. "Back to insults, are we?"
But she paid no heed to him, stepping up and grabbing his tie, pulling him to her. Her expression was fierce. "You truly must be an idiot to think that I don't love you. Are you blind? I've been so desperately in love with you for the past few months that I thought I might explode!"
His knees gave out then, and he sank into the grass they were standing on. The sky was purple and pink and blue behind them, and Lily was standing in front of him, glowing like a goddess, red hair streaked with gold streaming behind her.
"Really?" James asked weakly, not sure what to say.
"I love you so bloody much that I don't think I can live without you! I love waking up next to you and holding your hands in the hallways. I love when you smirk at me and tilt your head to the side, and when you let me run my hands through your hair. I love that you became an Animagi at fifteen to help your werewolf friend, and I love that you mentor the younger students on your Quidditch team. I love that you wrap me into your arms every day and I know I'm home. I love every bloody thing about you, and I've been quite obvious about it, too!"
He was crying. There were tears on his cheeks, sticky and uncomfortable and freezing in the wind, but he couldn't care less because Lily Evans loved him.
"Bugger, are you crying?" Lily asked anxiously, sinking to her knees in front of him and cradling his face in her hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't-"
He cut her off by pressing his lips into hers gently, to tell her I love you I love you I love you when his voice wouldn't allow him.
"Lily-"
She mumbled something unintelligible against his lips. He pulled away reluctantly.
"I've loved you for a year now, ever since we became mates last year. I mean, I thought eventually you might love me, but I wasn't sure that you would love me so soon. You've... always been hesitant with relationships, especially ours. Which is alright," James added hastily, wiping at his tears. "It's definitely alright. Sure, it's a bit disappointing, but I never want to push you beyond what you're comfortable with, and you know that I'd always wait for you. But I've been thinking about our future recently, and I desperately wanted to talk to you about it, but I was worried that you'd get scared and push me away and-"
Lily interrupted him with another kiss, this time a fierce, fervent kiss that told him everything she meant. I love you, you bloody idiot. He was crying more now.
"I'm sorry I made you feel that way," Lily said softly, taking his hands in hers. She looked at him earnestly, and he could see her sincerity etched into her face. He was so bloody gone for her. "Honestly, you're intimidating."
"I'm intimidating?"
She laughed, and the sound was honey for his heart.
"Yeah. It's intimidating how affectionate you are. You've never had trouble expressing your fondness for anyone, whether it was grand gestures to get my attention in the fifth-year or your unashamed expression of how much you love your mates. And after we started dating, you gave away your hugs and kisses and touches like they were nothing, which I bloody love about you. You make me feel special and loved, and I just- I don't know how to do that for you."
He kissed her knuckles, studying the blue veins on the back of her hand and the soft reddish hairs on her forearm. "You're perfect," he murmured.
"See!" Lily exclaimed. "It's that sort of thing that makes me utterly melt into a pile of I'm in love with James Potter mush. You can't just tell me that I'm perfect and expect me not to fall in love with you!" She sounded agitated now- as if it was a great injustice that she loved him so much. It would have been amusing to James if he wasn't preoccupied being in awe that she loved him. "It's not fair that you make me feel so happy and wonderful but I don't know how to make you feel the same way."
James looked at his girlfriend seriously. "You make me happy no matter what, Lils."
She snorted loudly, cheeks red, and it was the most adorable thing James had ever seen. "You're doing it again, James. Stop saying cheesy romantic things that will sweep me off my feet and not give me a chance to tell you how much you make me happy."
James grinned at her.
"I like making you happy. When you're happy, I'm happy," James said simply.
Lily's eyes softened, and she reached out to run her fingers over his cheekbone, her touch ghosting over his skin. "Well, then, I'll have to tell you how happy you make me more often."
"I would like that," James murmured, turning his head to nuzzle her fingers.
Lily sat down, crossing her knees, and James mimicked her movements so that they were facing each other, knees pressing against each other.
"Before we became mates, I was happy. I had Marlene and Mary and Dorcas, and before that, I had Severus. I thought that was enough for me, and for a while, it was," Lily said, leaning forward to look at him hard. "But after I got to know you more, I realized that no one could make me laugh like you. Marlene teased me, saying that I had a permanent smile stuck on my face when we were around you, and she was right. Your jokes and your grins and your hugs and everything that you did just made me smile and smile and keep smiling."
Lily smiled when she said it, and it was a soft, nostalgic twist of her lips that hit him like a bludger to the head because he'd seen that same look so many times on himself. She actually loves me.
"And I was falling for you so bloody quickly, and you were treating me like one of the boys, which was fine because at least it meant that I could be around you, but it also hurt like hell because I wanted to be more than mates."
James remembered at the end of the sixth year when he insisted to himself that she was just his friend. He thought he could keep himself from falling for her again, but he didn't realize that he'd never fallen out of love with her in the first place.
"This year, you asked me out, and I was absolutely over the moon. I spent the night in my room grinning at the ceiling because I fancied you so bloody much and I knew that you fancied me back. We've been dating for four months now, and even though outside of Hogwarts it's never been more dangerous, when I'm with you I know I'm safe."
There were the tears again. James swiped at them furiously, taking off his glasses and turning his girlfriend into a reddish blob in front of him. He put them back on hastily.
"Kissing you is heaven, talking to you is heaven, and doing anything with you is heaven. I don't know how I got to be the lucky girl who you love, and every day I'm so grateful that you chose me. I guess I was scared of my feelings because you make me so happy and I never want it to end. Admitting that I love you is scary," Lily said, dropping her voice to barely a whisper. "Because it means that I have to admit it to myself. And if- if you ever want to break up with me, I'll probably never get over you."
James linked his arms around Lily's waist and pulled his girlfriend onto his lap, dropping his face into her collar. "I'm not going to break up anything, Lils. If anything, you would be the one to break up with me."
Lily scoffed, the vibrations of her throat making James hum pleasantly. "There's no way I would be able to break up with you without sobbing an ocean full of tears. I'm serious, James - I love you more than you could know."
James beamed into the white skin of her neck. He still knew that he loved her more, but it made his heart burst to think that Lily Evans loved him that much.
Lily wrapped her arms around him, kissing his ear. "I'm sorry I was so scared to let you know how much I love you. I can't believe I was so thick that I made you think I didn't love you. I've been thinking about the future - our future - too, and I'd love to talk to you about it."
"I'd like that very much," James mumbled into her skin. "Best birthday ever."
Lily threw her head back and laughed, giving James's lips free rein over her collarbones. She shivered under his touch, and he kissed every inch of skin that he could.
"Someday, I want to move in with you," Lily said softly. "And someday, I want to marry you."
James finally pulled his head out of her neck. "Is this a proposal, Evans?"
Lily grinned at him. "Bloody hell, no! If I propose to you, I'm at least going to have a ring in my hands!"
James kissed her smile and left a trail of kisses across her jawline. "My answer's yes. Whenever you or I propose, that is."
"Good," Lily murmured, pulling his head up to kiss him on the lips. "My answer's yes, too."
James melted into the kiss, the dried-up tears on his face long forgotten. Lily Evans was his world. She was the love of his life, and the woman he would do anything for. He loved her more than life itself, and she was the only person who could make him cry tears of happiness.
And she loves me back.
"I love you," James said to his girlfriend, tucking a strand of her red hair behind her ears. The sky behind them was dark blue now- the sun had set during their conversation. Dinner was probably going on, and all of their friends would be waiting for them, but he couldn't care less.
"I love you too," Lily said, beaming at him, and James could positively die of love right there.