We did it.
Josh and I had finally had sex, and it was definitely worth the wait. He was so gentle, considerate, and hot— it made me think of how great that night had been, many moons ago.
The morning light crept through the drapes as I lay in bed replaying the night's events over and over in my mind. As I felt Josh stir beside me, I figured it would be best to get dressed as soon as possible to avoid any mishaps before I could come clean. I slowly got up from the bed and quickly and quietly made my way to the shower.
I turned on the water and let it run for a bit to warm up. As I sat on the edge of the tub waiting for the right temperature, I thought about how time was escaping me. I had made a huge mistake by not telling Josh about our past sooner, yet it was such an obstacle I couldn't bring myself to get past. There was so much risk associated with what our future held that it seemed to paralyze me.
I got into the shower and let the water run over me for a few minutes contemplating the best plan of action.
After all the close-calls and the 'almosts' when it came to telling Josh the truth, I knew deep down that I needed to tell him today. Today was the last of our little getaway, so I decided to tell him on the ride back. By holding off until the car ride, it wouldn't ruin the rest of our trip and we would be parting ways shortly thereafter, so it enabled him the space that he may need.
I finished my shower quickly, hoping to make it back and get ready for the day before Josh awoke.
"Good morning, mama." Josh greeted me as I entered the bedroom.
"Good morning, sunshine." I said replied, taking in his groggy morning demeanor.
He was so damn cute.
I turned my back to him and gathered my clothes for the day from my suitcase and began to shed my towel to start getting dressed. I angled myself strategically to shield my side from his view.
He got up from the bed and sauntered over to me, planting a kiss on the freshly showered skin on my shoulder.
"Hey, I didn't know you have a tattoo," Josh said as I felt his fingers brush down my side, moving my towel more so that he could see more clearly what it read.
Fuck.
My world was about to implode right before my own eyes, and the only person that I could blame was myself.
"Après la pluie ..." he trailed.
I hiked the towel back up past my breast and scrambled to think of how I was to respond. Maybe there was a chance he didn't remember them? Yet, I wasn't too convinced that that possibility would be reality.
"Oh yeah, that old thing? I um, got it before going off to college it—" I jumped in, beginning to explain the tattoo while being as nondescript as possible. I had told dozens of people its meaning since the day I had gotten it on my body, but the weight that this explanation held was about to come crashing down on me.
His hand reached up and brushed my damp hair behind my ear.
"It's you."
I instinctively moved my hand behind my ear, where my hair had previously covered, to touch the zodiac tattoo that he had just revealed, and I froze.
"What?" I said feigning ignorance.
After all this time, he had finally recognized them both from the night we met and it made me wonder if he had ever shared in Jake's suspicions. I began to sweat. I knew that we would have to have this conversation as soon as possible—and I had been planning on when to break the news ever since I talked to Jake—but I was certainly not prepared for Josh to have made this discovery before I had the chance to come clean to him.
"I... we've met before, at Flex, about two years ago. I took you home that night." He said, shaking his head as if to clear his thoughts and finally putting the pieces together.
"I told myself I was crazy! I swore you looked familiar from the day we met at the concert, but I could never place where I had known you from. Do... do you remember me?" He asked, almost pained by the idea that I might not remember him.
I sighed pulling on the first t-shirt and sweatpants I could find before taking his hand in mine. "Yes, Josh, I remember you. Look, I've been wanting to talk to you about this for a very long time, and I came close to telling you yesterday but we got distracted..." I blushed remembering last night's antics as he furrowed his eyebrows and nodded hesitantly.
His was face riddled with concern and confusion as I motioned for him to sit down on the bed beside me.
We sat down on the edge of the bed and I took a deep breath before I began.
This is the moment I've feared for the past three months unfolding right before my eyes.
"Listen, there is no easy way for me to say this. I'll explain everything, I swear. I just— I just need you to hear me out okay? And promise me you'll hear me out for everything I need to say." I said my voice beginning to waver, threatening to break with each word.
"I promise, I just don't understand what's got you so upset. I had a great time from what I remember, I really thought we hit it off," He said sweetly, moving his hand to my knee to comfort me.
I was scared that if he knew everything he'd be too overwhelmed. He never asked for any of this, and now all of a sudden he was finding out about it all at once. I had time to come to terms with the consequences of that night, when he had yet to even know of their existence.
I was also scared that I'd lose what we'd built. I had real feelings for him and it was terrifying. I hadn't had feelings like this for anyone ever, and I wished so badly that it would work out between us, not only for my sake, but also for Lina's. Despite all of this, I knew he deserved to hear the truth, no matter how it was delivered, and no matter how he would react.
"We did," I reassured him. "To be honest, I had never intended on going out that night. It was my mom's birthday, and It had been a month since she had passed away. I had been really upset for the days leading up to it."
"I'm so sorry, Celine, I had no idea." Josh said. I gave him a tight smile to express my gratitude for his sympathy, but I waved him off. This wasn't about me and my grief, I needed to move on with the story.
"Teagan wanted me to give me a distraction for the way I had been feeling, so she dragged me out to Flex. She saw Chris, who she had a crush on all throughout school, on the dance floor so it didn't take long for her to abandon me at the bar," I chuckled. "That's when I saw you from across the way. I mean to be honest, I got butterflies," I felt a blush creep onto my cheeks.
I needed to be completely honest with him about how I felt if this were to be potentially the last time I see him ever again.
I would be naïve to assume he would stay when this was all said and done.
"I thought you were quite handsome." I continued. "With your big brown eyes and such a warm and charming smile, I couldn't take my eyes off of you." He blushed and gave me a small smile, obviously flattered by the compliment, but kept silent, urging me to continue.
"And then when you approached me, I was shocked because if the way I had felt had any correlation to the way I looked, it'd be a miracle that anyone would want to talk to me, especially you; but I guess Teagan had helped me get myself together. Then, we talked and danced and I had such a great night, I hadn't thought once about being sad since I had met you, and— and then I— I went home with you." I started to get flustered.
Come on Celine, get to the point.
I took a deep breath and pushed on. "So, um, spending the night with you was a great time, you know? But casual hookups have never been my thing, and when I woke up the next morning I was kind of embarrassed." I confessed.
"Embarrassed? You were embarrassed to have slept with me?" Josh asked with a pained expression covering his face.
"No, no, of course not." I backtracked. "I was embarrassed because I had slept with someone I had just met, and let's face it, you didn't even know my name at the time."
Now Josh was the one who looked embarrassed. If he had remembered my name from that night, it probably wouldn't have taken all of this time discovering my tattoos to realize who I was and that we had met before. But, in his defense, I don't even think that I had given it to him.
"So that's why I ran out, you didn't know who I was, and I didn't know if you had wanted me to be there when you woke up, so I panicked. To avoid any potential awkwardness, I thought it would be best to just leave."
He nodded in understanding. "I know exactly what you mean, Celine. You know as much as the rockstar lifestyle enables it, I don't partake in casual hookups that often either. At times it just feels so disingenuous, I'd much rather attempt to foster something real." He offered with a smile.
"So, I just don't understand why you weren't honest that you knew it was me. I really liked being with you that night and it wouldn't have deterred me in the slightest to know that it had been you all along. I think it's all fate." He laughed wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a tight embrace.
God, I was going to miss this.
"Um, well there's more to the story." I said apprehensively, squirming under his touch as he loosened his grasp.
I cleared my throat, as it started to tighten before I resumed speaking again. "So, um, after a bit... I, uh started to realize something. Um, the week leading up to it, you know, us sleeping together," I stammered. "I hadn't, uh, really been taking care of myself as best I should. And I— I, um, realized after that, uh, since I had been stuck in bed all week because I was so upset, I, uh, hadn't been taking my birth control. And I guess in the heat of the moment we didn't use any protection either..." trailed looking toward the ceiling in an attempt to force the tears that were seconds from spilling out, back in.
I tried to avoid eye contact with him at all costs at this point in the conversation, but I still managed to see his jaw drop at the fact and eyes widen in realization.
"You don't mean..." He began in disbelief.
I started talking again before he could say more. I needed to admit it to him myself. "Uh, yeah. So um a few weeks later my period was late, and I was terribly sick so I took a pregnancy test, and well, it was positive." I said hiding my face in my hands as it grew hot from embarrassment.
I was reliving the devastation, disappointment, and dread that I had felt the moment I looked at the test and saw that it read positive all over again, and I couldn't bring myself to look at Josh.
"So, I deliberated for a long time about what I should do, and I thought about how the day that it occurred was the day that my own mother had come into the world, and ultimately the day that I was starting to become a mom, so it felt like a sign to keep it, well, to keep her. Nine months later I had Evangeline." I rambled. "I had no way to reach out to you, Josh, so I didn't. I figured, at the time, that you wouldn't want any part in raising her anyway since we didn't even know each other, so I just did what I had to do. I made the decision to go through with the pregnancy and raising her alone. I had come to terms with it and I was fine.
He shifted in his seat and looked me in the eye. "And you're sure she's mine?" Josh asked.
My eyes widened as it had felt like an accusation, but I knew that I owed him any answer he wanted to hear.
"Yes. I'm certain. I hadn't for 6 months before you, and well I haven't since, um, last night..." I replied my cheeks burning with embarrassment. "But, I mean you can take a paternity test if you want. I don't expect you to though." I added.
"Why didn't you tell me? You went all of this time with us being together and you never once thought to mention that your daughter, who I had spent so much time around, was actually my own?!"He said, frustration and hurt apparent in his tone.
"Listen, Josh, I'm really sorry I hadn't told you sooner. I understand if you're upset or angry with me, but I need you to know that the reason why I kept it from you for this long was because I was scared. And I know, that's a stupid excuse, but I mean it. I was terrified that you'd just leave if you found out she was yours, and I truly believe that we have something real between us, I was just too afraid to lose it, and to lose you. I just thought that if we were able to establish a strong relationship on our own, that it wouldn't matter that she was yours. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I didn't want Lina being your daughter to affect your feelings for me or to make you feel like you had to stay. I've seriously never felt the way I feel for you for anyone ever and I'm so scared. And now with you going on tour, I don't know what's going to happen with us." I said, my voice breaking.
Josh just sat there with a blank expression on his face, staring off into space. I reached for his hand, but he flinched away from my touch.
"I was going to tell you, Josh, I swear. I just didn't know how to. I've tried to tell you a million different times but it was never the right moment. I need you to understand why I've held off for this long." I pleaded, searching his face for any type of reassurance, but none was found.
"I know you didn't ask for any of this, and I would never expect you to take responsibility. I understand that this changes everything, and if you want to go our separate ways I get it, I've raised her on my own thus far, so I know we'll be okay." I said as my heart squeezed with sadness.
His lack of reaction said more than enough, so I assumed this would be the last of us.
"This... this is a lot, Celine. I– I don't know what to say." He stated, his voice devoid of emotion.
"I- I understand." I said lowering my gaze to the floor. It was so hard for me to look at him, he looked so hurt.
"I need some air." He said abruptly.
And with that, he got up from his seat on the bed and headed toward the door.
I wanted to get up with him, to beg him to stay and tell me all that he was thinking, but instead I stayed frozen in place, unable to move. As he walked out, my eyes remained glued to where he had stood. A strangled sob escaped my throat, and the tears that had welled in my eyes for the duration of the conversation had reached the tipping point, and they began to spill down my face.