A/N - Please try and keep an open mind for this chapter. Having lost someone really important to me to suicide, I tried to put my own feelings into Em, Cal and Carter. To this day -three years later- the guilt of feeling angry -after witnessing first hand how much pain and self blame your loved ones go through due to the loss- still haunts me.
We can't help how we feel, we can only choose how we act on those feelings.
Just keep that as a reminder please <3
—
T R I G G E R W A R N I N G;
Mentions of suicide.
"We need to get him to the hospital, now." The raven haired paramedic stated. "His pulse is really weak, he'll more than likely crash again and I'd prefer if he did that in the hospital." She admitted, causing Charlie to raise his eyebrows at her bluntness.
After inserting a breathing tube down the fifteen-year-olds throat, two of them began loading Leo onto the stretcher, whilst the other two focused on Grey.
"His pulse is weak, he's at risk of secondary drowning." The ginger man turned and addressed his raven haired colleague. "We need to blue light them both."
"What's going on?" Zac inquired, his eyes glancing between his two brothers.
"There's not much we can tell you sir," The ginger man -who introduced himself as Sean-stated. "We need to get them both to New York Press, the doctors will be able to tell you more than we can."
"What does secondary drowning mean?" Ace asked worriedly, gazing at Grey's unconscious body.
Sean sighed, never once pausing in his steps, he continued up the slippery mud hill as he answered Ace's question. "It means he has water in his lungs and is still at risk of drowning even though he's out of the river."
"He'll be okay though, right?"
Sean turned his head to the teenager, his eyes filled with what Ace could only assume to be either pity or sympathy. "Hopefully kid."
"C'mon." Zac gently gripped Ace's hand. "You and Car are going to go with Grey."
Ace's grip on Zac's hand tightened, panic ridden blue eyes widened as they locked to Zac's. "Where are you going?" He asked nervously, he didn't want to be away from Zac right now.
"Em and I are going with Leo. Cal, Jack and Alex are going with Ryan." Zac said softly, he knew Ace was going to be overly clingy. "I'll meet you at the hospital bambino, I promise I'll be right behind you, sì?"
"Yeah," Ace swallowed thickly, "Okay."
Zac pressed a chaste kiss on his younger brothers forehead, only releasing his hand as Carter wondered towards them. Zac turned to him, keeping his voice low as for Ace not to hear. "Keep an eye on him."
They all knew of Ace's anxiety, separation anxiety to be exact. It first became known to them after their parents death and Lily's kidnapping. Ace would cling to them constantly, crying dramatically anytime they had to be separated, whether that be school or even a simple trip to the grocery store.
Gradually, Ace started getting better, he learned how to cope and he was doing well, that was until their grandfathers death. The loss causing Ace to spiral once again.
This -his severe anxiety- was one of the many reasons the boys rarely allowed for new people to join their friend group, Ace simply couldn't handle getting close to others. He had this overwhelming fear that if he cared enough, then one day that person would be gone, that they'd leave him too- just like his parents and grandfather had.
Elliot, Enzo, both of their brothers, Luke and Rafe were an exception. They'd been friends with the boys for years, long before the death of their grandfather, but even then Ace rarely allowed himself to get close to their friends. Beck being the only one he'd allowed himself to open up too. Even his friendship with Jack -before they grew to be family- shocked the boys at first, given the fact Ace openly admitted he didn't mind Jack joining their group, he actually was more for the idea than against it.
Zac knew the signs of his younger brothers spiralling, they all did. Ace needed some extra attention, extra comfort, extra love. And after everything they'd already missed with one of their younger brothers, they'd all silently vowed to never let that happen again.
Carter cast a worried glance to Ace before turning his gaze back to his eldest brother. "I will." He nodded, grasping Ace's hand in his. "C'mon fratello." He gently guided the younger boy towards the ambulance.
"Em," Zac approached his four siblings and the youngest boy. "You're coming with me."
Emilio nodded eagerly. "Thank you." He said hoarsely, his voice sounding scratchy and raw. The solemn look on his face so unfamiliar to the cheeky expression Zac was so used to seeing.
"You don't need to thank me bambino." Zac wrapped his arm around Emilio's shoulder. "You're family." He said softly before turning to Callan. "Did you call Elliot?"
"Yeah," Callan nodded, casting a glance to Emilio. "He's picking up Enzo then they're going to get Lil and the twins."
"Okay," Zac sighed, "I'll meet you guys at the hospital."
-
The whole ride to the hospital was tense.
Zac hated seeing Leo so helpless, he hated that he didn't know how Grey was doing right now, it was in moments like this he wished he could simply split himself in two.
As they pulled into the emergency department of the hospital, Zac wrapped his arm around Emilio once again, pulling the sobbing boy to his chest. He could feel his own eyes becoming damp after the events of one short drive.
Leo had coded twice, twice.
A team of doctors gathered around the ambulance, quickly wheeling Leo inside and out of their view as the lead doctor yelled out orders about clearing an OR.
The raven haired paramedic turned to Zac, her passive face bothering him more than he'd care to admit. "You need to wait in the waiting room, the other ambulance will be here in two minutes." She said emotionlessly before sauntering to the front of the vehicle.
"Bitch." Zac mumbled under his breath, gently guiding Emilio towards the waiting room.
The dour faced woman was correct, two minutes later Ace and Carter joined them in the waiting room, shortly followed by Ryan and Charlie, plus the rest of their siblings, minus Lily and the twins.
"Any news?" Callan asked, his foot tapping repeatedly against the marble flooring.
"Nothing yet Cal." Zac admitted, turning his gaze to Carter. "How was Grey on the way here?" He asked with a light frown.
"Unconscious." Came Carter's simple response. "And Le?"
Zac shook his head, casting his eyes to the floor. He didn't want to worry them, but Zac knew they all had to be prepared for what could happen next. "He coded twice."
"Fuck." Callan dropped down into a chair, burying his head between his knees as he exhaled a heavy breath.
"ZAC!" A shout from the entry way gathered everyone's attention, the distressed faces of Lily and the twins coming into view, Elliot, Enzo and Atlas following closely behind them.
"What's going on? Where's Leo? Why are we here?" Kaden asked all in the one breath.
"Come take a seat," Zac guided his three younger siblings towards the waiting chairs, gesturing for them to sit.
"No, what's going on!" Lily demanded with a stomp of her foot. She just wanted to know if her twin was okay.
"Lil, sit down and let Zac explain." Alex said softly, brushing his fingers over her shoulders as he gently pushed her into the chair beside Callan.
Once the three of them were seated, Zac exhaled heavily as he tried to find the right words. "Leo, he... um..." This was so fucking hard for him. "Leo attempted suicide."
Lily paled whilst the twins audibly gasped.
"W-what?" The youngest of the three asked, her blue eyes wide, her expression so similar to one he'd witnessed earlier that night- reminding Zac just how much she resembled Leo. "No, no! He wouldn't do that!" Lily cried, her cheeks red and sticky from her over pour of tears.
She felt like she couldn't breathe, gasps escaping her as she clutched her torso, her heart dropping to her stomach as the tears poured from her eyes before her mind had fully comprehended what Zac had said.
"Is he alive?" Killian whispered, his eyes glued to his shoes as he became overcome with shock.
"He's in surgery." Callan offered, staring at his three siblings with sad eyes, the helplessness in his chest expanding. God, he really wished he could shelter them from the pain they felt- the same pain they'd all been feeling for the past two hours.
"Will... will he be okay?" Kaden asked softly, his voice cracking as he tried his best to keep his emotions in check.
"We don't know bambino." Zac told him honestly. "We don't know."
"Where's Grey?" Killian asked with a frown, his eyes dancing around the waiting room, his azure gaze shining with confusion.
Carter sighed loudly, placing a hand on his younger brothers shoulder, he said. "Grey saved Leo and got hurt in the process, the doctors are treating him right now."
"No." Lily choked out. "This isn't fair, THIS ISN'T FAIR!" She began to wail.
The heartbreaking cry filled with so much pain, Carter could only describe it as bone-chilling, he'd never heard anything like it in his life and he never wanted to hear it again.
"Lil, hey." Jack approached, pulling his younger sister to his chest before running his fingers through her curls soothingly. "Leo's strong, okay? As is Grey. They'll be okay sis, they'll be okay."
Lily clutched Jack tighter as her sobs increased, she couldn't lose her brother, he couldn't die thinking she was afraid of him. She needed to fix things between them, she needed to address Maya's exclaim and explain herself to Leo.
She needed him to be okay.
-
Enzo moved to the spare seat to the left of his younger brother, whilst Atlas occupied the vacant chair between both Emilio and Ace.
As Enzo whispered soothing words to Em, Atlas simply stared at his best friend with a frown. He wasn't good at this, he didn't know how to comfort people during a time of need, as Luke often told him- he always ended up making things worse by saying the wrong thing.
Gently, he placed his hand on Emilio's wrist, wrapping his fingers around the older boys skin before giving it a soft squeeze. Maybe if he didn't speak, Emilio would still know that he was here for him.
Emilio's eyes slowly darted towards Atlas, shaking the boys fingers from his wrist, he gently gripped the blue-eyed-boys hand in his, lacing their fingers together, silently telling Atlas he knew what he was trying to do.
"He'll be okay, Em." Atlas whispered, tightening his hold on Emilio's hand. Leo was strong, he was resilient. Atlas knew if there was anyone that could survive something like this, it was Leo.
Emilio offered Atlas a minuscule of a smile, hopefully one that showed the younger boy just how much he appreciated his words, letting his eyes linger on his friend for a moment before turning his face to the side and burying his head in Enzo's chest.
Em couldn't quite put into words how he was feeling.
It was a strange sensation, numb but yet still painful. A dull never-ending ache in his chest whilst his head was void of everything- completely and utterly empty. But whilst his mind was simply lost in the abyss, it didn't stop his heart from slowly breaking, piece by piece.
Emilio had experienced death before -his grandfather having passed away merely eighteen months ago- but this pain was different, unlike anything he'd ever felt in his whole entire life.
His grandfather was an old man who'd lived his life to the fullest, that and he was riddled with cancer, so his death never came as a surprise, there was time for Em to prepare himself and give his nonno a heartfelt goodbye.
If Leo had to pass it would be different, he wasn't even gone and yet the pain was more unbearable than his nonno's actual death.
He couldn't quite understand why this hurt so much more than that did. Maybe it was because his grandfather didn't want to go, he didn't want to leave them but he simply knew his time was up. Leo on the other hand, he had time, he had so much time yet he chose to leave, he chose not to stay.
He chose to leave him.
God did Em feel selfish, Leo was fighting for his life and here he was trying to work out his feelings. He was angry, confused, hurt, sad, numb. But mostly, Emilio felt guilty. He felt guilty for being angry, he felt guilty for feeling hurt, he felt guilty for thinking of himself when Leo should've been his main thought.
And with that guilt came shame, because maybe, just maybe, if Em had told someone of Leo's struggles, told someone about Marco, then this might never have happened.
Maybe Emilio could've saved him.
-
"Mr. Lombardi?" A young blonde woman, dressed in blue scrubs asked as she approached him.
"Yes?" Zac answered quickly, standing from his chair as the woman lead him off to the side of the room, away from the prying ears of his younger siblings.
"I'm Rachel, one of the interns working your son's case." She introduced herself with a sympathetic smile. Zac nodded anxiously, feeling no need to correct her assumption.
"Is Leo okay?" He asked, his words rushed in panic. Please be okay.
Rachel gulped slowly, her tongue wetting her lips nervously, this was the first time she'd ever been trusted to speak with the patients family.
"He's not out of the woods yet sir, but we have managed to stabilise his heartbeat for now." She paused, taking a moment to find the right words before continuing. "Leo has a nasty head injury, the medical phrase being a subdural hematoma; meaning blood has gathered between his skull and the surface of his brain. The neurosurgeon has sent me out here to let you know that Leo needs a craniotomy and to ask for your permission for him to operate. I can go over all the risks with you, but it is vital for Leo to have this operation as soon as possible."
"Do the surgery." Zac nodded quickly, pulling the paperwork from Rachel's hand before signing his name with the black ballpoint pen.
Zac didn't need to wait any longer, he knew what a subdural hematoma was, he also knew the quicker Leo had the surgery, the better chance he had. Not that Zac would ever admit the fact out loud, but he had Dr Derek Shepard to thank for his brain surgery knowledge. Which -for a twenty six year old man- sounded awfully pathetic.
"Thank you, sir." Rachel nodded, accepting the now sighed paperwork from Zac's outstretched hand. "I'll come out and update you throughout the surgery."
Zac nodded before heading to the news desk, now that he'd had an update for Leo, he needed to know how Grey was.
"Hi, I'm looking for information on my brothers condition. His names Greyson Lombardi." He asked the caramel skinned woman.
"You're brothers stable, he's currently having an X-ray on his arm and shoulder, sir." She admitted softly, lifting her kind amber gaze from the computer screen. "The doctor will be here to speak with you shortly."
"Thank you." Zac returned her smile with a minuscule one of his own.
-
After Zac informed his siblings and their friends of both Leo and Grey's conditions, they each sat quietly, simply lost in their own mind as they wondered what the outcome of Leo's brain surgery would be.
Ace tapped his hands against his knees nervously, his breaths coming out in short whimpers as he willed the dark thoughts to leave.
He couldn't shake the feeling that something was going to go wrong, they'd never been lucky in this life and loss seemed to be something familiar to them, yet the pain felt different every single time.
Atlas turned to Ace, watching intently as the older boy clenched his eyes shut, whilst his nails clawed at his fabric covered thighs.
Don't say something stupid, don't say something stupid, don't say something stupid.
Wordlessly, -which took a lot of effort for Atlas, with him being a overly chatty person- Atlas reached out for Ace's hand, pulling it towards him -away from Ace's thighs, to stop him from hurting himself- as he interlocked their fingers together, staying silent as he gently squeezed the older boys hand in his, before brushing his fingers along Ace's chipped nail polish.
Ace opened his eyes, dropping his head to his hand, or their hands before he lifted his gaze, blue meeting blue as he locked eyes with the younger boy.
Ignoring the warmth that spread through his chest at the action, Ace simply raised an eyebrow in question to the light haired boy, but never once released his hold.
"I don't want to say anything, I'll end up saying the wrong thing." Atlas said quickly before clamping his lips shut. Stupid, stupid, stupid! This is why I don't say anything—
Ace surprised them both as he let out a breathless chuckle, the sound causing Atlas to smile softly at him.
I made him laugh! I done something right? Screw you LuLu. Atlas thought to himself, his chest filling with pride.
"Thanks Ati." Ace whispered, tightening his hold on the younger boys hand. Trust Atlas and his ditziness to make him laugh at a time like this.
"You never need to thank me." Atlas blurted, before his eyes went wide and lips thinned. Don't speak! If he had a free hand right now he'd clamp it over his mouth to shut himself the fuck up.
Ace's smile widened, before he shook his head mumbling a soft barley audible 'cute.'
-
"I've called Kota," Callan said as he returned to the waiting room, taking a seat in front of Alex, between both Jack and Carter. "She's on her way."
Jack nodded in acknowledgement before turning to the three. "I need a smoke, are any of you coming?"
Carter shook his head mumbling a small no whilst Alex nodded tiredly, he really needed something to calm his never-ending nerves.
"I'm good," Callan waved him off before narrowing his eyes slightly. "Only cigarettes, okay? I don't want either of you coming back in here high as a fucking kite."
Alex rolled his eyes, "Of course Cal, we're not stupid." After finding out about Leo's drug abuse, the thought of smoking the pungent substance had his stomach churning.
"Debatable." Callan mumbled in response, smirking lightly as Jack flipped him off.
As both boys left, Callan turned his attention to Carter. "You okay? You've been awfully quiet." He added, his eyes roaming over his brothers pale face.
"I don't know." Carter admitted, dropping his head between his knees as he exhaled a trembling sigh. "I hate feeling like this Cal, I fucking hate it." He admitted in a strained voice, sounding close to tears.
"Feeling like what?" Callan asked, wrapping his arm around his younger brother, dropping his forehead on Carter's messy curls. "Talk to me Car."
"Angry." Callan admitted, the word feeling bitter at the tip of his tongue. "I hate that I'm feeling so fucking angry." He whimpered.
"This wasn't Leo's fault Car, he's not well." Callan told him softly, knowing Carter already knew this.
"I know that! I fucking know!" The younger boy sobbed, clutching Callan's damp shirt tightly as the older boy held him close.
Carter couldn't help the flare of frenzied rage that blossomed in his chest.
He was so worried for Leo and so worried that the outcome would not be a positive one and so worried about how they'd cope if they lost him.
Carter loved his baby brother, he loved him more than he could ever put into words, but by god was he pissed. He knew none of this was Leo's fault, he knew his younger brother clearly wasn't in sane mind, so why did he feel like this?
Why can't I stop feeling like this?
Was it witnessing the hurt and devastation Leo's attempt had caused? Was it seeing the pain and fear on his siblings faces as they waited for the news of whether their youngest brother would live or die?
Was it watching Ace crumble in the ambulance before his eyes as it became clearer to Carter that the memories of their past had clearly come back to haunt his younger brother?
Was it seeing the defeated look on Zac's face, the one that showed them all so clearly just how much of a failure they're eldest brother felt?
Was it the guilt in Jack's eyes that he'd been trying so hard to hide, though all of them could see it?
Was it Callan's coping mechanism of acting like everything's fine, trying his hardest to maintain his composure and calm front even when he was breaking inside?
Was it the heartbreaking wails that came from both Lily and the twins when they'd broke the news of their brothers attempted suicide?
Or was it Emilio's heartbreak that was displayed so effortlessly for them to see?
Carter didn't want to be angry, he didn't want to feel like this, he didn't want this resentment towards his brother who was clearly struggling with darker secrets than any of them had realised.
But Carter couldn't help how he felt.
And even with all that anger came the devastation.
Carter was devastated that Leo had to go through his struggles alone, that he never felt like he could confide in them, that it got this far without any of them realising.
What kind of big brother am I?
-
Callan held Carter close to his chest, the younger boys ear pressed against his heart as he hoped the rhythm of his heart beat would lure Carter from his self-destructive thoughts.
He could understand why Carter felt angry, as could he understand why his younger brother hated himself for even feeling that way- but as Cal told him; you can't help how you feel, you can only choose how you act with those feelings.
Callan on the other hand, he wasn't so sure how he felt about the whole situation, to him everything felt like a dream- a nightmare even- one that he was so desperate to wake up from.
It's strange how you mask the signs and simply identify it as a personality trait.
To all of them, Leo had always been introvert, quiet and showed a distaste of touch. But then those once actions they suddenly deemed traits manifested and they didn't realise or well, they did, but they simply didn't think much of it, narrating it off by saying that's just the way he is.
Why didn't they ever wonder what caused him to become that way?
Of course they assumed his depression played a vital role in it, but as the doctors had said when they'd given his diagonisss, he'd been depressed for years.
So why didn't they notice?
Callan knew -regardless of the outcome- that this would be the question that plagued their minds for the rest of their lives.
-
End of chapter 27
I really want to call Leo's neurosurgeon Derek Shepard.
If anyone has any questions about any of the boys or Lil just pop it in the comments and I'll respond!
Lots of love to you all and thanks for continuing to support my writing, it really means a lot.
Comment (I love reading your comments!), vote, follow etc...
4000 words.