"Ma, what made you realize na you loved Tita Ris?"
I watched as my mother perused her paperwork. Kakauwi lang namin after running a few errands and nagpapahinga kami ngayon. To Mama, rest means reading papers so here we are.
"Bakit mo naman natanong 'yan?" She asked, peering over her glasses.
"Wala lang. I'm just curious. You rarely tell us anything about you and Tita's relationship."
"Lowkey lang kami." She laughed and I stared at her, mouth agape. Someone stop my mom, she's using Gen Z terms now.
"Saan mo naman natutunan 'yang term na 'yan?"
"Kay Bryce. Sinabi niya 'yun no'ng nakaraan eh."
"Kung ano-ano na nalalaman mo," I laughed and shook my head. "So ano nga, Ma?"
"Hmm, maraming bagay pero kung isa lang siguro 'yung Chocnuts na binigay niya sa'kin."
"Chocnut?"
"Oo. Binigyan niya ako no'n isang beses. Hindi ko inasahan, kaya ayun."
"Hay nako, Ma. Only Chocnuts can make you like that pala."
"Like what?"
"Like it's your first time falling in love."
She blushed and laughed. Mama's not one to talk about her relationships a lot. Kapag may tanong ka, saka lang siya nag-oopen. But whenever she talks about Tita Ris, her smile widens and her eyes sparkle.
"Napaisip nga ako isang beses, what if ibang pagkain 'yun? Ma-iinlove pa kaya ako sa kanya?" She joked.
"Kahit naman iba or wala siyang ibigay na gano'n sayo, Ma, parang maiinlove at maiinlove ka pa rin po sa kanya."
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"How long have you been in love with Tita?"
"Jill, ang random mo." She pointed out while we ate breakfast. Dalawa lang kami ni Mama dito because my sisters were at work.
"Dali na, minsan lang tayo mag-kwentuhan nang ganito. Would you deny your favorite daughter the chance to bond with you?"
Mama could never resist my charm. Iba talaga kapag favorite ka niya. She sighed then laughed, reaching over to pinch my cheek. "Oo na, ito na."
She hummed and stared at the ceiling like she was counting in her head. "Exactly 6 years, 1 month, and 12 days today."
"Ay, naks. Exact na exact ha. That was around what, 2022 campaign period?"
"The last day of the campaign. Meeting De Avance."
"How did it feel?"
"It felt like things finally made sense. Parang lahat ng napagdaanan namin at nangyari in the past was coming together to that point."
"You mean it felt familiar?"
"It felt like coming home."
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"What's your favorite thing about Tita Ris?"
"Huh?"
"Come on, Ma. Chikahin mo na ako. I'm bored," I told her as I laid on her bed, letting my short hair fall over the edge.
"Jillian, kung wala kang magawa, maghanap ka ng magagawa do'n," she scolded. Hay, always the tiger mom.
"I just finished being productive, Mama. Please na?" I looked at her with pleading eyes.
"Sige na nga. Ano'ng tanong mo?"
"What's your favorite thing about Tita Ris? And don't say lahat ha. Tell me something I don't already know."
"Hmm..." She laid down beside me and also let her short hair fall over the edge of the bed. "Si Risa kasi 'yung pinaka-close ko sa partido dati. She was first and foremost my best friend. She's a good listener. A true empath. Ayun 'yung pinaka-paborito ko sa kanya."
"But she's like that to everyone. Tell me something na sa inyong dalawa lang."
"Siguro 'yung fact na she's more understanding than I am. Sa tingin ko, hindi niya na-realize 'yun. She stayed with me for years in spite of how unconventional and stressful our relationship is."
"Tita's such an easy person to love, isn't she?"
"She is. Sobra." Mama turned her head to the side and I can see a blush form on her cheeks.
"Ang landi grabeee, kilig na kilig ah." I teased.
"Tigilan mo na nga ako, Jillian."
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"Ma..."
"Mama..."
I poked Mama's arm while she was busy cooking our dinner. "Mama Leni..."
"Ma, notice me na."
"Panggaaa," I called out, grinning evilly. This finally got her attention. She looked at me and raised her eyebrow kaya inirapan ko siya.
"Miss na miss, Ma? Parang ayoko na ikasal kayo ni Tita Ris. Hindi na ako favorite child mo."
"Anak ko ba si Risa para maging favorite child ko siya?"
"Minsan," I smirked, "Narinig ko isang beses baby tawag mo sa kanya eh."
She choked on her drink and started coughing which had me cackling. "Joke lang, never ko pang narinig na tinawag mo siya no'n...pero obviously tinatawag mo pala siyang baby"
"H-hindi 'no!" Mama exclaimed, her cheeks bright red again, and slapped my hand away para hindi ko na pakielaman 'yung niluluto niya.
"Kunwari pa. Okay lang 'yan, Ma. Normal lang."
"What do you need?" She asked, changing the subject.
"May napansin lang ako sa'yo na saka ko lang fully na-comprehend when you started dating Tita Ris."
"Ano naman 'yun?"
"You've always looked out for her differently. Like during campaign rallies, una mong tinatanong where and how she is. When people offer you food or a bottle of water, aabutan mo muna siya before getting one for yourself. Palagi kang "si Sen. Risa nandito na ba?" or "ano'ng oras daw dadating sila Sen. Risa?" Tapos you ask her frequently if she needs anything, you text her kahit wala namang okasyon just to see if she's okay. Mga gano'ng bagay."
"Don't I do that with other people?"
"Sometimes. But ayun nga, you do it differently with her. At first, I thought it was your modesty and kindness kasi nga Tita's a good friend. Pero eventually, I realized na kaya pala gano'n because you have feelings for her."
"Was I really that obvious?"
"Not as obvious as she was!" I snickered, remembering Kate's stories about Tita Ris na hindi makapag-pigil ng kilig.
"Pero, Ma..."
"Ano?"
"As subtle as you were, tinginan niyo pa lang maharot na."
"Jillian!"
"Ikaw mas lalo. So lagkit makatingin palagi."
Mama hit my arm with a spatula jokingly and I left the kitchen, laughing at her antics.
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"Ma, on a more serious note," I approached her on the bed and cuddled up next to her. She put her book down and put her hand on my head.
"Ano 'yun, 'nak?"
"Are you a hundred percent happy ngayon?"
She gave me a kind smile. The one that reached her eyes. "More than a hundred percent."
"I know I've asked this before, but what if things were different and hindi kami pumayag nila ate?"
"I won't pursue it, Jill. Not when it would cost me you and your ates. You're the most important people in my life. Hindi ako gagawa ng kahit ano'ng makakasira sa pamilya natin. We always ask ourselves before if the challenge we're currently facing is harder than losing Papa. The only thing that would be harder for me than that would be losing the three of you."
"Kahit hindi ka magiging masaya?"
"Bakit naman ako hindi magiging masaya, eh kasama ko naman kayo? Sad and hurt for a while, maybe yes. Pero panandalian lang 'yun."
"Pa'no kung magbago isip namin bago kayo ikasal? Like when they ask if may mag-oobject, bigla kaming tumutol."
"Jillian Therese, sabihin mo na ngayon kung may balak kang tutulan para hindi na kita iimbitahin." Her voice was dead serious but her face filled with liveliness betrayed her.
"Ouch," I put a hand over my chest feigning pain. "Uninvited to my own mother's wedding."
She laughed at me and kissed my temple. "Ma?" I called her attention again.
"Hmm?"
"I love you. I'm happy that you're happy."
"Thank you, 'nak. I love you even more."
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Dear Mama Ris,
Going home always meant going to wherever Mama is. Whether it's in Naga or in QC, basically anywhere she goes, as long as she's there, it's home to me. That said, she's the most important person in my life. Since I was 12, I've looked forward to the day where my sisters and I could have Mama to ourselves again. I've waited so long for that and when it finally comes, here she is, getting married for the second time in this life.
I should be mad at you. Kasi for the nth time in my life, I have to share her again with other people. But the thing is, I don't really mind sharing my mother with you.
I don't mind waking up to the both of you dancing along to old music in the kitchen (like the cheesy people that you are). I don't mind not being able to sleep beside Mama when I need to kasi you're sleeping beside her. I don't mind spending Sundays together with my new mom and siblings.
I wouldn't mind it because I know for a fact that it would make my mother the happiest she could ever be.
You know how Mama always says na after Papa passed away, her life's like the sound of one hand clapping? Okay lang sa akin na ka-share ka namin kay Mama kasi with you, life doesn't seem like that to her anymore. Thank you, Mama Ris, for being the other hand that claps for her.
Thank you for loving Mama with everything that you had and didn't have. You loved her both selflessly and selfishly, always ready to sacrifice but would always strive not to. The love that you have for each other is something I genuinely adore because it's both incandescent and peaceful.
At one point, it's the love that ignites your whole being, catches your fire, and consumes every part of you: mind, body, and soul. And you feel it deep in your bones like it's rooted in you. It may hurt sometimes, as any love does, but still you'd do anything to keep it alive.
At the same time, it's the love that puts everything at ease. The love that lives in the inside of you, awakened, but quietly. It lives in the way that you touch, speak, and move, never really going away. Your love is something that you can feel more than you can see. It's there, just as it always has been.
My mother had a lot of things she had to sacrifice for us and for the country. I'm glad she didn't have to sacrifice the kind of love that she has with you for anything else.
Congratulations, Mama Ris. I can't wait to spend more days with you and the rest of our family.
Sincerely,
Jillian (with a J not a G)