"Ma, have you always liked girls?"
I laid on my mother's lap as she subconsciously ran her fingers through my hair. Mama, Issa, and I were in the living room, enjoying the white noise as we scrolled aimlessly on our phones. My question seemed to pull them both from their own worlds.
"Oh, that's a good question. I've also been curious about that." Issa said, inching closer to where we sat now fully interested.
"Hmm," Mama hummed wistfully. "I don't think so."
"Like you've never looked at girls that way?"
"No...I've only ever been attracted to men. Boyfriends only, no girlfriends."
"Okay...so what was it about Tita Leni, then?"
"Oo nga, if you were never attracted to girls before then what made you look at Tita differently?"
I observed the expression on Mama's face. She looked both amused and deep in thought like she's never actually thought of this before. "If I remember correctly, it was her lipstick."
"What? Mama, that's so weird." Issa laughed loudly.
"Weird or not, it's true!"
"What was it about her lipstick?" I asked.
"I saw she was wearing a different shade once. Something darker. Then ayun, the rest was history."
"Na-turn on ka sa lipstick niya?" I joked and she tapped my forehead lightly, cheeks turning red. "Joke lang, Ma! I don't even want to know details like that."
I sat up and laughed with Issa who hid her face behind a pillow.
"But was it really her lipstick?" my sister asked.
"Yeah. The burgundy one."
"What if it was a different color? Do you think you would have reacted differently?" I inquired.
"Alam mo, Ma, ako na lang sasagot ng tanong ni Ianna," said Issa. "I think, lipstick shades aside, Mama would have fallen for Tita Leni still."
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"How did you feel when you realized you were in love with Tita?" I asked as the three of us ate breakfast.
"You know, it still gets me how my feelings were more of a lightbulb moment like 'Ah ito pala 'yun', than utter shock."
Issa shrugged and replied, "Maybe that's because you've always known."
"What do you mean, Is?"
"See, my theory, or rather Ianna and I's theory, is that you've actually always been in love with Tita Leni since I don't know...2016? You've just never realized it before."
"Huh? I only fell in love with her when she and I started spending more time on the days nearing my birthday dati."
"Hay nako, Ma. For someone so intelligent and emotionally-wise, you're so oblivious," I chuckled.
Mama's brows furrowed and she looked at me in confusion. I sighed, "The pink leatherband. You being her number one cheerleader, the way you look at her and talk to her. The hugs, kisses on the cheek, and stuff like holding each other's hands when you're in need of comfort. Oh, and don't even get me started on how you talk about her."
"H-how do I talk about her?"
Issa cleared her throat and did her best impression of Mama which had me giggling. "Leni's amazing 'no? Ang galing ni Leni! I admire her, she's such a strong woman. Leni looks pretty today...I mean she looks pretty all the time naman. Do you think Leni's okay? Does she need anything? Go, Leni! Leni this, Leni that."
Mama hid her face in her hands in embarrassment and we laughed at her. Talking about Tita Leni never really failed to make Mama a fluttering mess. She's all smiley and her cheeks glowed bright red. Mula ulo hanggang paa, kinikilig siya.
And she doesn't even try to hide it now.
"Oh, kita mo, Ma. Tama kami."
"Ewan ko sa inyo!" She laughed, face still red.
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"What would you have done if we didn't agree with it?"
"With what?"
The three of us laid in Mama's bed, just like we've always done as kids since Papa's passing. Whenever we had important things to talk about, we'd do this. Actually, wala naman kaming mahalagang pag-uusapan but we just felt like doing this.
"With you and Tita Leni."
"I wouldn't go through with it."
"Why? I thought you were in love with her." I propped myself up on my elbow and turned to face Mama. Issa did the same on her side.
"Oo nga. But you guys always come first to me. I'd do anything in the world for you, regardless of my feelings."
"But wouldn't you resent us?" Issa asked, placing a comforting hand on Mama's arm.
"You're my kids. I could never resent you."
"Pero masasaktan ka. Is that okay with you?" I asked hesitantly. The atmosphere was heavy around us but we had to ask the difficult questions, pardon my sister and I's curious minds.
"I've gone through 4 births without an epidural, 'nak."
"That's physical pain, Ma. What about your heart?"
She looked at Issa and then me, fondly. Her hands tucked the strands that fell from our faces to our ears. "My heart is with my children. Our family comes first, the same way that it always had. I may have been in love with Leni, but if you didn't approve of it, then there's really not much of a decision to make. Hindi ko siya ipupursue because I could take losing her, but I could never take losing you."
"So if we disagree with it now...you wouldn't push through with the wedding?"
"Ha, no. You should have disagreed with it before kasi there's no going back now! Wala nang bawian" She replied, shaking her head in amusement then laughing.
Her arms wrapped around Issa and I and we laid our heads on her shoulder. "Kidding aside, Ma. Thank you for always choosing us." Issa said affectionately.
I nodded, "Now it's time for you to choose yourself."
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Dear Tita (soon to be Mama) Leni,
As my mother's eldest daughter, I was always so protective of her. You could say that my protectiveness was different from that of my brother kasi I knew the things he didn't. I knew how my mother would cry over her struggles at night and be ready to fight again the next day. I knew how she would weep over heartbreaks for a while then wipe her tears, ready to love again when the sun rises.
So when she told us about you and her, I reacted the same way I would react when her suitors or boyfriends were around: like a surveillance camera, watching, and ready to point out any mistake I find.
Kahit love kita, Tita, hindi ka exempted!
But of course, not that I was surprised or anything, I didn't find any mistakes with you. I saw how you valued my mother. I saw how you took care of her, understood her, and loved her — wholeheartedly and without question.
So let my gift to you, as well as this letter, serve as both congratulations and thank you.
Thank you for loving my mother the way that you do. I have never seen my mother as happy as you make her. Alam mo Tita, whenever she'd come home from spending time with you, she'd have this huge smile and dreamy look on her face. I have to admit, it's funny how she's acting like a teenager in love but as long as she's happy, walang problema.
Thank you for going through the lengths that you did to marry her. None of us, I'm sure not even Ate Aika, Tricia, and Jill, expected that you'd actually come to the point of marrying each other. Nonetheless, we loved the idea of it. Of being a whole family.
I never thought I'd see my mother get married and it was always a dream of mine to do so kaya thank you for also making that part come true.
Besides the fact that I look up to you because of how amazing you are, now I look up to you even more because you've shown me the kind of love that would break society's norms.
And apparently also break social media kasi everyone went wild on the day you announced your engagement.
You've shown me the kind of love that everyone aspired to have. That which would strengthen you and give you courage to continue doing so, whatever the consequences may be. The kind of love that needed not to be said but hung in the air, freely, unreservedly, and without inhibition. The steadfast, never-changing love that changed everyone's world, however unknowingly.
Again, thank you, Mama Leni for everything that you've done and continue to do for us. I'm so excited to officially have your daughters as my siblings and you as my mom.
Congrats, Ma! I wish you and Mama Ris a happy married life.
All the best,
Issa
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Dear Tita Leni,
Growing up queer, Mama was my safe space and my soft space to land. I remember telling her what if I liked girls. She beamed at me and with a sweet voice, she said, "Really?"
She was much more excited for that fact than I ever was.
My mother, besides being my number one role model, was my number one cheerleader. Kahit pa ako ang source of headache niya minsan due to my loss of conviction in life and my indecisiveness. She loved me for who I was and never tried to change me.
So that was my standard when it came to love. A love that would embrace and never try to change. Or anything about your life for that matter. A love that inspires love.
That, to me, is what your love also is.
You came into our mundane lives and embraced us as your own. You treated my siblings and I like your own children, and my mother like she was the most important thing in the world to you. Even before you were in a relationship, you were hers and our constants.
And when you were finally in a relationship, you never tried to change us or our lives. You let us do the things we've always done, say the things we've always said, all the while just looking out for us, reminding us of what we needed to do.
Like Mama, you became my safe space and my soft place to land. You celebrated who I am, like she did. On pride marches, you came with us even when you and Mama weren't out in public just yet. You'd give free mom hugs, like Mama did, to others who weren't accepted by their families.
Your love, aside being accepting and unchanging, was my favorite representation. I was one of those who spontaneously marched on the day you announced your engagement. So besides my gratitude for the love that you offer my family, I thank you for signing the paper that my mother authored, paving the way for our freedom.
You can finally be free with Mama Ris too. Ate Aiks, Trish, Jill, and us can hang out much more freely na rin now haha!
Congratulations on your wedding, Mama Leni! Hope you like my gift.
Love, Your token gay daughter (please don't tell Mama I wrote this. She hates it when I say that),
Ianna