Even after the fog cleared, I couldn't find anyone. Or anything.
I kept finding myself turned around, occasionally back at the spot I'd crashed. A few times I was actually tempted to just go back in the tree and wait until my dying breath, but Ben's voice wouldn't leave my head.
"Don't do this to yourself," I could hear him say. "You're a survivor. I believe in you."
Just the thought of seeing Ben again sparked hope in me, so I continued.
And then nightfall approached, and I was still lost.
At that point, my sores and pains were basically gone, making it easier to hike about the jungle. Unfortunately, since my sense of direction was shit, I only kept leading myself further into the forest and away from the dock, where we were all supposed to have met up hours ago.
I stopped walking to have yet another mental breakdown.
Was this how Ben felt, all alone out in the wilderness with nobody but Bumpy? Was he as scared as I felt now?
I fell asleep curled up against the bark of a tree, and didn't expect to survive the night. I did, however, and made myself continue my search for any signs of my friends and brother.
During the treads, I collected berries. I remembered what Ben had told me about the yellowish-blue ones, so I avoided those, and even tried to eat a bug as I'd seen Ben do.
I ended up provided more food for the compies from my stomach.
Hours passed, and that day didn't have anymore success than the evening prior. The demonic thoughts kept popping up in my head, threatening and manipulative. They kept telling me to give up, and that they were better off without me anyway. They told me I might as well give myself up to the island, because there was no point in even trying anymore.
I almost did as they said a few times.
But then I remembered that Ben, the Ben that had passed out once at the sight of a small dot of blood, who had thrown up when seeing a simple scratch or a small ant climbing along his arm; I remembered that that Ben had managed to survive. He'd changed. He'd lived out in this jungle for over a month by himself, and had adapted accordingly. He'd even killed a damn dinosaur without any of us!
If my brother could do all of that, I could easily achieve it. I probably wouldn't be away from them long, anyways, right?
{}{}{}{}
I counted.
As every day came and went. As every moon rose and dropped from the dark sky.
Nine days.
Nine, long, agonizing days of pure search and failure.
Nobody could know how much weight I must've lost in that span of time. Nobody could know how hopeless I was becoming. My soul was dripping, falling, breaking.
I was losing my will to live. No words from Ben in my head could help that.
Unexpectedly, however, someone else's voice turned me around.
And it happened on the tenth night of my survival.
{}{}{}{}
All of the camper sat around a smoky, burning fire in the middle of the jungle. Darius had fallen asleep, curled up against my side, and I ran my fingers through his hair.
Yaz and Sammy had also fallen asleep. They were cuddled close in each other's arms. They looked more peaceful than they have in months.
Kenji was eating a pear. I had no idea where he'd gotten it, but he had. And he was simply watching the night sky with a look of longing in his eyes.
As for Ben, he was sharpening his spear with a rock from the ground. A few times, he'd set the stone down and look at his work, before being less than pleased and returning to scraping the sharp tooth against the other surface.
It was a quiet atmosphere, saved for the crackling of the fire.
And then Brooklyn came in from the trees.
Where had she even gone?
I received no answer to my question, because before I knew it, she was right in front of me, staring me down.
She smacked me right in the face.
Suddenly, everyone was gone. Ben, Kenji, Darius, Yaz, and Sammy were all gone, and the scene changed to a glistening morning. The raptor paddic stood loomingly behind us, while the trees to our side seemed to shrink back to fear.
The look of pure rage in Brooklyn's eyes was familiar.
Actually...this whole moment felt familiar.
"Since we first got here you've hated me for no good reason. You've been bitchy and dramatic and quiet and acting like you're the victim when you're really just vilifying me!
Oh, I remember now.
This was before Mitch and Tiff arrived. When I went out searching for Ben with her and Darius.
My best friend, though, wasn't around this time. It was only the two of us.
"You act like you know what you're doing now, when really, you're more fucked than the rest of us! Out of all of us, you're going to be the one to die next because god only knows that if you can't keep your brother alive, you can't keep yourself alive!"
It stung at first. Remembering the awful words made all of the depressing ideas in my head worsen for a moment. Brooklyn not finding me tolerable felt as if Taylor Swift herself despised me. It was a god awful feeling.
But, upon opening my mouth to repeat the words I had spoken that day, I paused.
She didn't think I could make it.
She thought I was going to die, that I was useless because I had let my brother down.
But Ben and Darius, the ones I cared for more than anything and trusted more than anyone, had said differently.
Maybe...maybe I wasn't so hopeless after all.
Brooklyn thought I could make it? Well, I'd prove her wrong.
If Ben and Darius believed I was strong, who was I to not believe them?
Brooklyn, on the other hand, hated me as much as I hated her (or, at this moment, anyway; our current relationship status was undecided), and I didn't like to believe anything she said.
Yes. I would prove her wrong.
I smirked at the girl in front of me, just as it all faded into nothing.
{}{}{}{}
I woke up with that same smirk on my face. A bout of determination swelled inside of me as I recalled everything.
I got up and grabbed a crawling beetle from off the bark of a tree. I stare at it for a brief moment, but all doubts go away by the time I stuff it in my mouth.
This time, I don't throw up.
Instead, I smile. Not smirk, but smile. Smile with refurbished hope and ecstasy.
I swallow the whole bug down.
"Let's see if I'm the one to die next, hm?"