Sunny weaved his fingers through delicate strands of silken sunshine. His thumb and index finger took hold of a pink daisy locked to a black dyed strand among threads of gold. With a mournful frown, Sunny removed the flower that he loved seeing so much in Basil's hair.
Can't have his dad suspect that the two "fans" coming to get his autograph just happened to be the son he had abandoned and his boyfriend slash partner in crime. The flower in Basil's hair might give that away.
"Don't be sad, Sunny," Basil said. "It's just for a short while."
"I love it when you wear that flower," Sunny complained.
Basil made a playful smile. He suddenly took the daisy from Sunny's hands and placed it in Sunny's hair, right above his ear.
"I do too," Basil said, laughing.
"Maybe I'll wear the flower, and you wear the whole flower crown," Sunny suggested teasingly.
"Want me to?" Basil said, eyes turned to the flower crown on the table that Basil had made last summer when they worked together on their garden.
"Always," Sunny said. "It's up to you, really."
Basil looked tempted, but he decided to stick with the plan to meet Sunny's dad properly disguised. "I'll wear the flower crown all day tomorrow. Let's just get this meeting with your dad over with."
"Okay."
I wish we didn't have to disguise ourselves.
Sunny's hair was dyed blond; it turned out that their hair swap fun at the start of the semester proved useful in hiding their true identities. From a distance, all his dad would see would be two blonds in sunglasses, one with a streak of black hair, waiting for him at the table to get his autograph. As long as his dad didn't suspect a thing, they could probably get at least a word in with him.
Sunny and Basil put on their sunglasses and headed out.
A knot of anxiety sat tensely inside Sunny's stomach. He still had his doubts about meeting with his dad. He was meeting someone who had abandoned his family, and with what he planned to tell him, he wasn't exactly going in with thoughts of reconciliation and forgiveness. He could not anticipate how his dad was going to react to seeing the son that he had discarded seven years ago. Nor did he know how he himself was going to feel.
All this placed a lot of stress on Basil. Sunny would have wanted to go alone, but Basil would not allow Sunny to face his dad all by himself. Even though this was sort of a personal family matter, Sunny felt in the end that it was appropriate for Basil to come along, given his involvement in everything. It could be Basil's only chance to confess the truth about Mari's death, but it all depended on whether his dad was willing to accept it without pressing charges.
As they walked towards the concert hall that his dad worked at, Sunny's brain wanted to turn tail and run, abandoning this whole idea. Dread lurched his stomach, bringing him back to his days of shutting himself inside his house.
He still remembered, and feared, the way that his dad had looked at him on the day that he ran away. A look of raw, visceral disgust—and terror. As if his dad couldn't even fathom how a human being could have done something so messed up. That look his dad gave him was one of many things that had convinced himself back then that he should never step foot outside of his house ever again.
I won't relapse into that state of mind again.
I'm stronger than that.
Overcoming my other half, Omori, made me more resilient.
I'll face him, and I'll tell him what a piece of trash he was for abandoning me and mom.
Sunny and Basil arrived at the pizza café. They checked in with their reservations and took their seat by the table where they expected Sunny's dad to sit beside.
Basil took out the recording that he pretended he wanted Sunny's dad to sign. The photograph of that man's face on the album tightened the queasy knot in Sunny's stomach.
I hate him.
At the same time, I'm almost...relieved that he seems to have moved on with his life. Or at least moved on enough to be able to devote his time to making new albums.
Recording music has always been his passion. That's why he persuaded Mari to learn the piano, and me to learn the violin.
Actually, I can't know for sure whether he's moved on, or if he's still haunted by his past even while he's practicing music.
Sunny tapped his fingers nervously against the table. His dad, a very scheduled person, would arrive in two minutes.
"Sunny," Basil spoke. "Are you feeling okay? You look really jittery."
"Thank, b—b—but I'm fine," Sunny stammered.
"Sunny. Let me know if you feel anxious or upset, okay? I don't want you to have a panic attack."
"Do I look that nervous?"
"You've been shaking in your seat for the past five minutes."
Sunny discovered that his leg had been trembling since he sat down in this chair. Basil was right; he had to steady himself. He took deep breaths, holding them and counting to eight, before exhaling. It seemed to do the trick, and his mind calmed down.
He saw a figure approaching them from across the other side of the street.
Sunny's heart rate spiked again. His leg continued to tremble.
Come on! I'm better than this.
I shouldn't be nervous to meet him. I should be angry.
Mari would be angry at him.
Even Aubrey told me that she'd punch him where it hurts if she ever saw his face.
I'm just here to let him know that me and mom are alive and well. I want to see his reaction, and then tell him that he's a piece of trash for abandoning us.
...Oh, come on, what kind of a plan is that?
I'm just asking for him to get mad at us!
Sunny's brain didn't have time to ponder on this matter any longer, because a man who was most certainly his dad—about seven years older than since Sunny last saw him, his hair dyed brown—approached their table and took his seat facing them.
Basil and Sunny stared back at him wordlessly for about five seconds, their eyes shielded by the sunglasses they wore.
"We're here for your autograph," Basil broke the silence.
Sunny's dad looked at them with those beady eyes behind his glasses. He rubbed the stubble on his chin. He didn't look angry or suspicious. Maybe their disguises had really worked.
"Which one of my albums do you want me to sign?" dad asked.
Hearing his voice again for the first time in so long gave Sunny shivers.
"This one," Sunny replied in a quiet voice, picking up the album from the table. He held it in his hands for a moment.
"Give it to me," dad said tersely as he took out a pen.
Is it time to reveal who we are?
Without removing his sunglasses, Sunny handed the album over, opening the cover to a page where his dad would write his signature. His hand kept shaking.
This man's voice was one that, for a time, had known nothing but anger, nothing but malice and pain. A voice that haunted Sunny in his dreams. A voice that reminded him that he would forever be guilty of murdering his sister.
Get a grip, Sunny.
You've learned to deal with your guilt, and you've pulled yourself out of the depths of despair so you could move on with life.
This man cannot hurt you anymore.
Sunny exchanged nervous glances with Basil as his dad took the album from his hands. He inscribed his signature onto the page.
It was done in a swift moment. His dad presented the album back to them, signed with his autograph.
Erhh.
Do we take it back, or what?
"Well?" his dad spoke, seeing that neither of them moved.
Sunny took the autographed album back into his hands.
"So, are we done here?" dad asked.
Basil and Sunny threw each other another glance.
I have to rip the band aid off.
Sunny removed his sunglasses. Basil saw him and did the same.
A dark pair of eyes and a blue pair of eyes glared at Sunny's dad. Sunny felt certain that he would recognize them. The next second passed in slow motion, the air thick with extreme tension. Sunny held his breath, awaiting a response.
To his surprise, his dad just stared back at them blankly.
"As I said, are we done here?" dad asked.
Erhh, what?
"You know who we are," Sunny said.
Dad blinked consecutively. "What? I don't."
Sunny swallowed. Was his dad lying to their face?
"Umm...don't you recognize us?" Basil spoke.
"No. I've never seen either of you in my life before."
Sunny blinked multiple times. Basil shifted his feet uncomfortably.
"Do you two want something from me?" dad asked.
"You know who I am," Sunny insisted.
"I don't," dad replied, completely straight-faced.
Sunny's shock and confusion gave away to a startling burst of rage. This was his dad's response to meeting his son after abandoning him for seven years? He was just going to play dumb?
"My name is Sunny," he said, a tone laced with bitterness. "You know exactly who I am."
"As I said, I've never met you before," dad went on. "I've never even met anyone named Sunny. Now, are we done here?"
Sunny had to keep himself from leaping out of his seat to knock his dad square on the nose.
"You're lying!" Sunny shouted. "Don't you recognize me? I'm your son! You abandoned me and mom seven years ago!"
"I don't have a son," dad replied quickly.
Basil cut in. "We're from a small town called Faraway. You lived there seven years ago with your wife, son, and...daughter. There was an incident. It was—I'm sorry if you're still bothered by it. But we really want to know if you remember."
Sunny's dad raised his eyes and furrowed his brow. Sunny couldn't tell whether he was bewildered or taken aback with anger.
"...Like I said, I don't have a son," Sunny's dad repeated.
The last embers of hope in Sunny's heart died. He regretted ever harboring hopes for his father in the first place. If this was how his dad was going to be, then he did not have to hold back at all.
"I'm Sunny, your son. I have a sister, Mari, who is—was—your daughter," Sunny spat. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't you just acknowledge who I am?"
Dad leaned away. "Yes. I had a daughter, who died years ago. But I do not have a son."
Sunny leapt out of his seat. "So you've disowned me. Fine! You think that fixes things? You think that makes up for abandoning me and mom all those years ago? You think Mari would have wanted you to do this? What the hell is wrong with you?"
People around the café turned and glanced at them, but Sunny didn't care. He went on. "You are an awful father. Back then, I needed help, but you—you left me and mom to suffer for all those years—and now you can't even own up to it! And you know what? At least I acknowledge that you're my father. At least I came here to give you another chance. But if you can't even acknowledge that I am your son, then you've just erased your last chance to fix things. I hope I never see you again in my life!"
The look on his dad's face spelled out incredible shock. That glint of terror in his eyes—Sunny recognized what was happening. He finally understood the expression written across his dad's face.
His dad was disassociating. He was pretending that Sunny and Basil simply didn't exist, even though they were standing right in front of him.
Sunny had seen that dissociating look on his dad's face many times before. He saw it clearly when his dad grabbed an axe to cut down the tree in their backyard, screaming that he had no son.
I can't stand him.
He reminds me of how I was, back then.
I...I guess this must have been how Basil had felt, when I ignored him for those four years.
Trapped between rage at his father and guilt from reliving his own behavior, Sunny didn't know what to do. He stood there, shaking heavily. He felt Basil placing two hands on his shoulder, pulling him back gently.
"Sunny, let's go," Basil spoke.
"Basil. I'm sorry," Sunny said quietly.
He turned at his dad again.
"You can't just pretend that I don't exist," Sunny said.
"I don't know you," his dad answered, blinking multiple times. His eyes were both angry and terrified. "Why are you getting all up in my face? I thought you just came here to get my autograph."
I give up.
"Thanks. We got it already," Basil replied to Sunny's dad.
Sunny felt Basil tugging on his hand. He acquiesced and decided to leave. His dad clearly wasn't ready to face his son again. And, by the looks of it, he might never be ready.
The anger in Sunny's heart mixed with total disappointment and disgust. He felt like he could puke.
"Dad," Sunny spat one last time. "Face the truth. For once."
He spun around and walked away with Basil.
"Mari," his dad mumbled.
Sunny froze in his steps.
He turned back at his dad and saw a flicker across his dad's eyes. A tiny glimmer. It vanished in a second.
Without even acknowledging what had just happened, his dad turned to the menu on the table and began flipping through it.
Sunny shook his head in disgust. He stormed off with Basil and handed the waiter a tip despite not having paid for anything.
***
Basil watched Sunny working on the next chapter of his webcomic with growing concern. Sunny grew more agitated with every click of his mouse. He stamped his foot restlessly. A scowl covered Sunny's expression, and his teeth stayed gritted every time he opened his mouth.
"Sunny? Are you alright?" Basil said.
"I'm not making any progress on this chapter," Sunny admitted. "I just can't focus."
"You had a rough day." Basil reached over and gave Sunny a soft squeeze on his shoulder.
"Rough day or not, my readers expect my next chapter to be out tomorrow. If I'm late, I'll start losing fans."
Basil gazed at the comic on Sunny's screen. He was drawing a large playground with a picnic blanket at the center of it. Two girls with long hair sat next to each other by the picnic basket while the others played jump rope and monkey bars.
"You can always tell them that you had a rough week," Basil suggested.
"But I don't want to make them worry about me! I want to get the next chapter out!"
Basil wished he could give Sunny a hug so much right now. Past experience had taught him that when Sunny got mad at himself, it was better to let him ride out his anger. The last thing that Basil wanted was for Sunny to lash out on impulse, because once Sunny calmed down, he'd be on his knees begging for forgiveness, crying for days.
I'd be furious too if I was him, after what happened with his dad.
I just wish I could help, somehow.
This time, Sunny got a grip before his temper got the better of him. "I'm sorry. I'm being unreasonable."
"It's okay. Get some rest," Basil said. "Even if you don't finish the chapter today, you can always release it tomorrow once you feel better."
"You're right." Sunny saved his work and leaned his back into his chair, taking a deep breath. His grey right eye held a gloomy light. "It's just...when I saw my dad today, I got really mad. Not at him. I got pissed off at myself."
"Why?"
"Because what he did, it's exactly what I did to you." Sunny buried his face in his hands. "I pretended that you—the real you—didn't exist. I lived inside a dream world where all my friends were by my side, but they weren't really my friends. I abandoned my true friends."
"Sunny...it's alright. You came back for me."
Sunny couldn't stop crying. "I ignored you when everyone was bullying you because of what I did to your photo album. Basil. If you gave up on me. If you believed that I wasn't going to come back after four years...I deserve it, okay? I deserve to feel what it's like to be abandoned."
Basil wrapped an arm around Sunny's head. His other hand cupped Sunny's chin and gently caressed his cheek. Tears shimmered in Sunny's eyes.
"You'll always have me by your side," Basil spoke.
Sunny's tears fell. With a sob, he wrapped his arms around Basil and hugged him tightly.
Basil felt Sunny's warm embrace, remembering the soft, sturdy affection that grew inside him when Sunny promised that his heart would always belong to him. He remembered the kindling of a fire, so small he could only see tiny glowing embers, carrying a flame that sprung to life at the moment Sunny clasped his hand to touch his heart.
My heart was cold, after all those years.
I wanted to feel any warmth, any light.
It was enough to me that you were the one to give me your light again.
"I love you," Basil said, adding a lighthearted smile. "We're married, aren't we? Don't talk about abandonment unless you plan on filing for divorce."
"Basil...I would never."
"Ah, I know. Let me just hold you until those nasty thoughts are out of your head, okay?"
As Sunny curled up in Basil's arms, Basil felt the desire to do anything to protect and take care of him. It reminded Basil of the time when he believed that he was the only person who could protect Sunny. His thoughts drifted towards those four years he had spent keeping Sunny's secret, four years spent in a state of endless doubt, confusion, and stomach-churning anxiety.
He had never felt so lonely as then.
Basil had a feeling even back then that he was being incredibly selfish. He wanted to have Sunny by his side, forever. By tying the body of Sunny's deceased sister up with jump rope and hanging her from a tree, he created a traumatic bond with Sunny that—he had hoped—would last forever. It sounded so messed up, but at the time, sharing this bond, having this connection was practically the only thing that kept him going. As long as he protected Sunny's secret, they would never drift apart from each other.
I'm the worst person.
I knew Sunny couldn't come back for me after all that I had done.
So Basil justified his own suffering.
He justified himself being the receiving end of so much bullying. Getting beaten up by Aubrey and her friends. Hearing snickering comments from the mean kids at school. Watching all his former friends drift apart until they practically ignored each other even when they passed by in the halls at school. Seeing his grandma slowly wither away towards death. He deserved it all.
And, Sunny's disappearance. Basil's heinous crime justified even that.
I wondered, every day, if Sunny would come back for me. Whether he would return to save me or to destroy me.
I knew I would never be able to face him with the truth.
The night of the incident, Basil had felt that he and Sunny stood before a lake of venomous fire. Its frothing flames had already scarred the skin on Sunny's hands. And instead of pulling Sunny back, Basil had taken his hand and jumped straight into the lake, so he could plunge into its depths together with Sunny.
I was so selfish and cruel.
Basil's vision grew misty as a tearful Sunny leaned against his shoulder.
He could not forgive himself, even if Sunny forgave him. He could never go back to the past and change the mistake that had destroyed everybody's lives forever. And he knew that Sunny must in some sense feel the same way. He remembered thinking on the day he saw Sunny and Kel in Faraway Park,
Is Sunny really coming back for me?
Shouldn't he avoid me, so that I can't cause him any more pain by reminding him of what I did?
Four years had passed since he last saw Sunny's face.
Basil believed that it was all for the better for himself to suffer for Sunny's sake. Sunny, that distant boy who was quiet and shy, who still cared enough to listen to all his problems; Sunny, the boy who spoke little but, deep down, cared the most for all his friends; Sunny, the kind-hearted boy who just wanted to skip violin practice so he could spent more time with his friends, but who could never find the heart to tell his sister that he didn't enjoy playing the violin anymore. Sunny, the boy that saved Basil from loneliness.
Basil had to protect Sunny at all costs.
And then Sunny showed up again. Was he okay? Was he in pain? Was he aware of what had really happened? Was Basil able to protect him...?
...It was all a lie.
"Stop trying to leave me! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!"
With those words, Basil had confessed that all he really wanted was for Sunny to stay by his side. All that self-justification about being punished for what he did, all those thoughts labyrinths he constructed to explain why Sunny didn't come back for him—none of it was real. He had lied to himself for four years in order to escape that torment in his heart. A torment rooted in his terror at the thought that Sunny hated him.
Both of them saw Something.
Nothing afterwards was coherent. Basil remembered getting punched so many times. He remembered grabbing, pulling on Sunny. He remembered screaming. He remembered crying. He remembered an eye that loomed behind Sunny, forever tormenting his best friend who didn't deserve any of this. An eye that could only be put out by a killing weapon that had been meant for his own heart.
Then, everything went dark.
I was done for.
Amidst all that madness, I had exposed my true, hateful, clingy self.
Sunny would never want to be with me again.
Basil felt tears flowing down his cheeks.
I had a dream.
I was lost in deep red darkness, wandering an eternal labyrinth...
Eyes peered at me. Everyone's eyes.
Their gazes judged me for my crimes. Gnashing teeth encircled my waist, threatening to close in and snap me in half.
I was chased by countless shadows.
I wanted to die, so, so much...
Yet, I saw a light inside this labyrinth.
I didn't know why it appeared.
I deserved to be lost in darkness forever.
I couldn't understand why there would be any light left.
...I chased after the light.
I ran as fast as I could.
When I opened my eyes...
He saw a light glimmering, as Sunny smiled at him.
I smiled back.
The light came from Sunny's eye.
It was filled with tears. The boy who stood before him in the hospital was half blind. His eye shone with yearning for the days of an eternal summer, days where the cool evening breeze rustled pinwheels placed amidst a field of flowers hidden deep inside the woods.
Its light wished for a world where his sister was still there, where his friends were all happy and smiling, where everyone could go on adventures together without any burdens on their shoulders.
Sunny's eyes longed for a world that lived inside the happiness of a dream.
Sunny chose him instead.
"Basil," Sunny spoke. "I'm sorry I said that. I don't want to be abandoned."
Basil clasped Sunny's hand in his own. "And you won't be."
As Sunny gazed deeply into Basil's eyes, a small smile illuminated his lips. Basil wiped the tears from Sunny's cheeks, and Sunny did the same for him.
"I guess I got ahead of myself today," Sunny said, a sigh. "I wasn't ready to meet my dad."
"You told him what you wanted him to hear, at least," Basil said.
Sunny's smile grew a little. "Yeah. That felt really good. But I was stupid. I thought he'd get angry at me. I didn't expect to see a reflection of myself in the way he reacted."
"You mean your past self. You're not like that anymore."
"Maybe. But I don't want to forget."
Basil's eyes turned down, away.
Sunny's hand cupped Basil's chin and turned his gaze back. "I won't forget, because I want to always remember what made me come back for you."
"What's that?"
Their lips met in a quiet kiss.
Sunny pulled back, smiling. "That you always meant the most to me."