Narrator POV
When they arrive in London, they all put on their sunglasses after the long flight, pull up their hoods or caps to hide from the paparazzi. Perrie protectively clutches Jade's hand, knowing full well that the brunette hasn't slept a wink and is still wobbly on her feet, and slowly helps her off the plane, which is sure to result in a few pictures, but Perrie doesn't care about that right now. She just wants to get Jade safely into the car and for them all to finally return to their own homes.
"Who's first?" the driver asks, bored.
"Jade!" all three girls say at the same time, to which Jade looks at them amused.
"Babe, you need to go to bed already," Leigh-Anne declares sympathetically, patting her leg, to which Jade says nothing back and just closes her eyes.
When they arrive in front of her flat, the girls insist on taking her inside and helping, but Jade is able to convince them that it is not necessary and that she can take the few steps on her own without any problems. As she lifts her suitcase out of the car, her eyes do go black for a moment and she wobbles a little, but fortunately the girls don't notice as they are all engrossed in their phones.
"Bye, girls," Jade says quietly as she comes back to the window.
"Get some rest!"
"We'll see you in a few days, Jadey."
"Call if you need anything."
Jade just nods and approaches her door with slow steps, opening it with shaky hands, closing it behind her and immediately slumping to the floor. She knew all along that she was at the end of her strength, that she was completely exhausted. But to finally be home, to finally be alone, makes her pitiful state even more obvious.
Here on the floor she completely loses her sense of space and time. She can't tell how long she just sat there until she actually fell asleep with her hand still on her suitcase. When she wakes up, the hallway is completely dark, so she has to turn on the flashlight on her phone to get her bearings. She uses this to briefly check her messages. But apart from her mother asking whether she has landed and is at home, there's nothing. No one texts her, no one calls her. It's been like this since Jed and her were over. And since then she notices even more clearly how much she would be happy to receive just one text from Perrie. But again there is silence.
Groaning, she switches on the light so she can put the depressing phone away. She hears the grumbling of her stomach, but the mere thought of food makes her feel sick, so she decides to skip dinner for now. And despite the little nap on the floor, she is even more exhausted and even more tired. So she just strips down to her underwear, lies down in bed, covers herself up to the neck and immediately falls asleep again.
For two whole days she was to herself. The only text she sent was a reply to her mother. Otherwise, she ignored her phone. She literally lay in bed or on the couch in her pyjamas all day, watching Netflix. She didn't eat anything except for a few biscuits here and there since she's been home. She simply lacked the appetite. Every now and then she would check the new posts on the Little Mix fan sites, all of which had by now caught wind of her debilitating state of health and had come up with numerous theories. The most common was probably that she was pregnant. But many were also sure that she is depressed and will leave the band. Also, new pictures have surfaced of her arriving in London and for the first time she sees how she is clinging to Perrie as Perrie practically pulled her into the car. Of course, the mixers are going crazy again, commenting Jerrie on every picture, which normally makes Jade happy. But considering her current situation, it only depresses her more. So she put her phone away, ignored every message and just sank into her own world.
But today is the day she joins the dance rehearsals for the first time. She has missed two full days to take it easy and maybe get better. Unfortunately, she feels just as bad as before, but she can't afford to miss any more. So she finally gets back in the shower, unsuccessfully tries to remove the dark circles under her eyes and makes her way to the studio.
"J'adore!" shouts Perrie enthusiastically when she sees Jade sneak into the studio.
"Hi guys," Jade says quietly and half-heartedly returns Perrie's hug, whereupon she looks around to notice that the others are already changed and slightly sweaty.
"Am I that late?" she asks in wonder.
"Oh, don't worry about it, we moved the rehearsal up an hour and texted you, but...", Leigh explains, but then falters because Jesy interrupts her loudly, "But you've been non-existent for the last two days. No shit we were about to call the police because you weren't responding to anything."
Somewhat embarrassed, Jade smiles but avoids the stares of the others. "Sorry, been avoiding my phone a bit."
"Feeling better then, Jadey?" asks Perrie quietly, brushing a strand of hair out of her face, causing Jade to falter briefly. She could immediately fall for the blonde again at this contact, at Perrie's worried look, and lose herself in her. But that's not possible, so she quickly backs away, ignoring Perrie's hurt expression, clears her throat sheepishly and then says, barely audibly, "Sure, I'm good to go," knowing full well that she's lying to herself. But the girls don't ask any more questions, so she quickly changes and gets on board.
As always, she gives one hundred percent. Normally she is the one who picks up the choreography the quickest and has no problems whatsoever with the dancing. But not today. Today she is the weakest link, literally. She tries to blame it on the fact that she missed the first two days of rehearsals, but that doesn't explain why she's all sweaty after just a few rounds, why she's getting paler by the minute, why she's developed an inexplicable pain in her back that gets worse with every step. She feels the confused and also worried looks of the girls and the dancers, but she ignores them and tries to go on with everything she has and to not let anything show.
But when after a few more rounds she is completely out of breath and feels a new stabbing pain in her back, she has to stop and supports herself on her legs.
Confused and also angry, Claude turns to her, but when he sees her, the anger is forgotten and concern spreads. "All right, five for everyone," he says quickly, whereupon Jade closes her eyes in relief and disappears outside without a comment.
"Good to go, my ass," Jesy mutters, shaking her head.
"Poor thing, I think she's really out of it," Leigh then says with concern, but Perrie has another thought that makes her uneasy.
"Did you see how skinny she is?" she finally whispers, to which the other two stare at her unknowingly before a light dawns on them.
"She looks like she hasn't eaten for the last two days," Perrie continues.
"You don't think...", Leigh cautiously prods.
"Guys, give me a break. She was really sick in LA and she doesn't look any better now. Maybe she just puked the whole time and lost a few pounds because of it. Maybe she should infect me after all," Jesy interjects with a laugh, but the others don't feel like joking.
"Because of Jed...?", Leigh then asks Perrie as quietly as possible.
"Probably," Perrie agrees, knowing full well that there's more weighing on Jade's mind right now, that she herself is no small part, but she couldn't possibly admit that.
"Girls, come on, don't come to such conclusions just because the little one has a cold," Jesy calmly contradicts.
"Jes, we know what she's like, what she can be like," Perrie explains nervously.
"But that doesn't mean we have to immediately suspect the worst. Let's just wait and see," the eldest then suggests.
"I'll go check on her anyway," Leigh then says and goes after Jade.
Jade sits outside in the backyard and takes a deep breath, rubbing the sore spot on her back frantically, wondering in vain what the hell is causing it.
"Can I join you?" she hears a voice from behind. When she doesn't respond, Leigh just sits down next to her.
"Babe, what's wrong?" she gets straight to the point.
"Nothing, I'm fine," Jade replies automatically, avoiding Leigh's gaze.
"Are you sure?" she asks incredulously.
"I'm just not at 100% yet, that's all," Jade then admits.
"Don't be mad at me, but you look like you're at 0%," Leigh counters worriedly. "Why don't you go home and get a proper rest?"
"No, we can't afford that," she quickly counters. "I've just got a bit of a cold, but it'll go away."
Leigh eyes her sceptically, considering for a moment whether to ask the question that is burning so bad on her lips, until she finally dares, "Are you sure that's all it is? Just a cold?"
Jade looks at her in wonder, even though she herself is beginning to fear that this is anything but a common cold, she cannot possibly imagine Leigh guessing. "What do you mean?" she asks in response, watching Leigh swallow hesitantly.
She wrestles with herself whether to voice the girls' concern, whether to really inquire, even when she knows full well that merely bringing up the subject will hurt Jade. She takes another good look at her band member. There is no denying that she looks very thin, but then again, she has been ill for some time. More than anything, she just looks sick. So Leigh decides to let the subject drop for the time being and instead continues to keep an eye on the brunette.
"If anything is wrong, you can always come to me," she says then, touching Jade's hand, who keeps her head down but still smiles sadly.
"I think we need to get back," Jade says after a while.
"You're sure you can handle it?" asks Leigh incredulously.
"I don't really have a choice, do I?" is all Jade replies.
Meanwhile, Jesy tries to take the opportunity to talk to Perrie. She has thought and debated for a some time now how to broach the subject without immediately revealing that she basically knows everything. She can't get the secret conversation between Jerrie on the plane that she overheard out of her head. She wishes she had never known about it, but now she can't forget it. Especially not now that it was becoming so obvious and probably always had been. She knew Jade and Perrie were very close, always had been. Closer than anyone else in the band. And she also always knew that after the break-up between Zayn and Perrie, their friendship was taken to an even higher level. But never had she suspected a real, in-the-flesh love affair. But much worse than learning that you have been lied to for years by your sisters is knowing that they put up with their own unhappiness and suffering for the good of the band. That they sacrificed their love for the band.
"Pez, do you have a moment?" Jesy finally dares to say, to which Perrie just looks at her questioningly. Just as Jesy is about to open her mouth again, Jade comes rushing back through the door.
"It's okay, we'll talk later," Jesy says quickly, hoping she was quiet enough not to be heard.
"Let's get on with it," Jade says to the group, oddly more tired than before. Even though she's seen Jesy and Perrie whispering and firmly assumes she was the subject, she doesn't care at this point. She just wants to get the rehearsal over with.
But that turns out to be more difficult than she thought. Two more rounds from Touch's new dance break, she grits her teeth and tries to keep up with the others. But the third time her back stings again violently and the pain is so severe and unbearable that she groans loudly, stops dancing and holds the hurting spot in vain. Immediately all eyes are on her and Perrie is by her side.
"What's wrong?" she asks with concern.
"Nothing...I don't know, my back...", Jade gradually stammers with her nerves at an end as she feels her eyes glaze over. The other girls as well as the dancers also join in, trying to see what the problem could be.
"Where does it hurt? A particular spot?", Claude then asks.
"The...the whole back," Jade says through tears, which breaks Perrie's heart.
Claude, meanwhile, is touching her back, massaging a few spots, trying to find the cause, when she starts to whimper. "Ah...please, please stop," she moans, to which he immediately raises his hands. "I'm sorry," he says in shock, but she doesn't respond at all.
"That's enough now, Jade. We're going to the hospital," Jesy then decides.
"No!" cries Jade. "No, please don't, it's okay," she pleads formally.
"Jade, enough is enough!", Jesy quickly contradicts. "You've been so sick for almost two weeks, you've lost weight, you're super weak and now this back pain. This can't be normal, we're going to hospital now!"
"I hate hospitals," she breathes, looking wistfully into Perrie's eyes.
"Why? What's so bad about it? They're just helping you," Jesy explains, but Jade shakes her head sadly and Perrie knows exactly why. It reminds her of her anorexia, of the eternal struggle when she was a teenager, the frequent visits there. The hospital is the last place Jade wants to be. Perrie wipes Jade's cheek with her thumb, wipes away the tears and looks at her compassionately.
"If she doesn't want to do, we can't force her," Leigh interjects thoughtfully, to which Perrie nods.
"So what are we going to do?" then Jesy whispers.
"I'll just go home and you guys continue rehearsing without me," Jade suggests wearily.
"There's no way you're going home alone, not in this state. I'll drive you," Leigh objects.
"No, you're not missing rehearsal because of me," Jade says as forcefully as she can at that moment.
"Your selflessness is starting to get on my nerves," Jesy counters, shaking her head.
"Well, you can sit on the couch while we continue rehearsing. Watching is usually enough for you to be able to do the steps perfectly anyway," Perrie suggests with a wink. "We'll see if we can find a hot water bottle or something warm for your back."
She smiles encouragingly at Jade, holds out her hand and slowly leads her to the sofa, where she flops down with a pained face. A few minutes later Leigh arrives with a fluffy blanket and a hot water bottle in hand for Jade to keep her back warm, which she gratefully accepts.
"Just yell if you need anything," Perrie says as she gives her a kiss on the forehead and finally returns to rehearsal.
She somehow survived the rehearsal, even if she had to fight several times not to fall asleep on the couch. However, she has seen almost nothing of the dance itself and doubts very much that she will be able to re-dance it this time just by watching. She has to come up with something to finally pull herself together and be able to take part in the normal band routine again. The tour starts in a fortnight and by then she has to be fit.
Despite all protests that it is not necessary, Leigh insists on driving her home, although she actually has to go in the completely opposite direction. Arriving at Jade's flat, she tries everything to stop Leigh from coming in. But here, too, her band member proves to be stubborn. She doesn't let Jade finish and closes the door behind her. She looks around for a while before groaning loudly and shaking her head at the embarrassed Jade. "God, Jade. Your place is a mess", she says indignantly. She quickly opens a window to let in fresh air, picks up papers and clothes from the floor and unceremoniously starts cleaning up the flat, which makes Jade visibly uncomfortable.
"Please, you don't have to do all that," she says quietly, wanting to jump in and help so the situation isn't quite so strange, but she can barely move, she barely has the strength to stand and desperately clutches the back of the chair to keep herself on her feet.
"My goodness, no wonder you're so thin when you don't have a single food item in the fridge," Leigh says stunned as she examines Jade's kitchen. "I'd best go shopping while you rest and then cook something," Leigh suggests. But Jade just shakes her head. "Leigh, please. I love you. But there's really no need. I will just order something," she explains wearily.
"So you want me to leave now?" pokes Leigh.
"I really don't mean to be rude or ungrateful, Lee Lee. But right now I just want to close my eyes and sleep and I'm sure you have better things to do than to watch me."
"Actually, I don't," she objects, but Jade just closes her eyes, shaking her head.
"All right, I'll leave you to it. But please do me a favour and don't come tomorrow. Go and see a doctor. This has been going on too long."
Jade hesitates for a moment. Going to the doctor or even going to the hospital is the last thing she ever wants to do. Too many negative memories hang on it. Besides, it would take more than a small cold to get her to the doctor. At least that's what she tells herself. But finally, to reassure Leigh, she nods.
"Good," she says with relief, patting Jade's hand. "And promise me you'll really order some food and drink enough water," she says still calmly.
"I promise," Jade replies, allowing Leigh's hug and immediately closing her eyes when she hears the door slam into the lock. She falls asleep on the couch within seconds.
Of course she breaks her promise. Of course, she wakes up hours later, not at all refreshed, and realises that she can't order anything because of the time, which isn't a big deal because she still doesn't feel hungry. She gets up with a groan as the pain in her back becomes noticeable again at the mere movement, which makes her suspect that this is also the reason she woke up in the first place. She somehow staggers into bed, just takes off her clothes and lies down in bed dressed only in her underwear, hoping to fall back asleep quickly. But in vain. As if she has slept off the initial exhaustion and is now awake enough to be fully aware of the pain. She tosses and turns to somehow find a halfway tolerable position, but to no avail.
Hours later, when she sees the sun rising through her bedroom window and realises that she has not slept a second since she went to bed, she thinks again about Leigh-Anne's words. She still thinks it is unnecessary to go to the doctor for a simple, albeit quite long-lasting, cold. But this back pain is killing her and it seems to be spreading to all her limbs. And so she decides to get up bright and early, since she can't get back to sleep anyway, get ready and text her manager that she needs to see a doctor as soon as possible to have her back looked at.
Sure enough, she receives a message as she gets out of the shower that she has the earliest possible appointment today at eight o'clock. She puts on her grey jogging suit, checks her image in the mirror again, decides to just ignore the bags under her eyes and gets into a taxi and sets off.