He had always thought that President Janson should be viewed in front of white pillars that were hung with oversized flags. It was almost jarring to see him surrounded by such ordinary objects. What could he be doing here?
Perhaps it was the newness of the house of the shock of seeing him or the mutual understanding that he could have Thomas killed at any second that made him feel like an intruder in his own home. He doesn't welcome him or offer him a chair, he doesn't say anything. In fact, he treated him as if he were a real snake, the venomous kind. He stood motionless, his eyes locked on him, considering his plans of retreat.
"I think that we can make this whole situation a lot easier if we agree not to lie to each other." He said. "What do you think?" He thought that his tongue was frozen and his speech would be impossible, so he surprised himself when he answered in a steady voice. "Yes, I think that would save some time."
President Janson smiled for the first time and he noticed his lips. He was expecting snake lips, which is to say none, but his were overly full, the skin was stretched too tight. He wondered briefly if his mouth had been altered to look more appealing. If so it was a waste of money.
"My advisors were concerned that you would be difficult, but you're not planning on being difficult, are you?" he asked.
"No." Thomas answered.
"That's what I told them. I said any boy who would go to such lengths at preserving his own life isn't going to be interested in throwing it away with both hands. Then there was his family to think of. His mother, sister, and all of those...cousins." he could tell by the way he lingers on the word cousins that he knows that he and Teresa did not share a family tree. Maybe it was better that way, he didn't do well with ambiguous threats and he would much rather know the score.
"Let's sit." President Janson took a seat at the large desk of polished wood where Kay did her homework and his mother did her budgets.
"I have a problem, Mr. Everdeen." He said. "And it started the moment that you pulled out those berries in the arena." That was the exact moment when Thomas realized that the Gamemakers would have had to choose between having no victor, or two.
"If the head Gamemaker, Seneca Crane, had any brains, he would have blown you to dust right then. But he had an unfortunate sentimental streak. So here you are. Can you guess where he is?" he asked. Thomas nodded, because by the way he said it, it was clear that Seneca Crane had been executed. The smell of roses and blood had only grown stronger now that only the desk sat between them. There was a rose in President Janson's lapel which suggested the source of the flower perfume, but it must have been genetically enhanced, because no real rose smelled like that. As for the blood...he didn't know.
"After that, there was nothing to do but let you play out your little scenario. And you were pretty good too, with your love induced schoolboy bit. The people in the Capitol were quite convinced. Unfortunately, not everyone in the districts fell for your act." he said. Thomas's face must have registered some kind of bewilderment, because he addressed it.
"Now, you wouldn't know this of course. You have no access to information about the mood in other districts. In several of them, however, people viewed your little trick as an act of defiance, not an act of love. And if a boy from District 12 of all places can defy the Capitol and walk away unharmed, what is to stop them from doing the same? What is to prevent, say, an uprising?" It took a moment for his last sentence to sink in for Thomas. Then the full weight of it hit him.
"There have been uprisings?" he asked, both chilled and elated by the possibility.
"Not yet, but they will follow if the course of things doesn't change. And the uprisings have been known to lead to revolution." President Janson rubbed a spot over his eyebrow, the very spot where he had gotten headaches himself. "Do you have any idea what that would mean? How many people would die? What conditions those left would face? Whatever problems anyone may have with the Capitol, believe me when I say that if it released its grip on the districts for even a short time, the entire system would collapse."
Thomas was taken aback by the directness and even the sincerity of his speech. It was as if the primary concern is the welfare if the citizens of Panem, when nothing could be further from the truth. Thomas wasn't sure how he dared say the next words, but he does.
"It must be very fragile, if a handful of berries can bring it down."
There was a long pause, and Thomas could feel his eyes tearing him apart. Then he simply said, "It is fragile, but not in the way you suppose." There was a knock on the door and the Capitol man stuck his head in. "His mother wants to know if you want tea." he said.
"I would like tea." said the president. The door opened wider, and there stood his mother, holding a tray with the China tea set that she had brought to the Seam when she married. "Set it here please." He moved the book to the corner of the desk and patted the middle. His mother set the tray on the desk. It held a china teapot and cups, cream, and sugar, and a plate of cookies. They were beautifully decorated and iced with soft colored flowers. The frosting work could only be Newt's.
"What a welcome sight. You know, it's funny how often people forget that presidents need to eat too." President Janson said charmingly. It seemed to relax his mother a bit, at least.
"Can I get you anything else? I can cook you something more substantial if you're hungry." she offered.
"No, this is perfect. Thank you." he said, clearly dismissing her. His mother nodded, and shot him a look, and then left. President Janson poured tea for both of them and filled his with cream and sugar. He took a long time to stir and Thomas sensed that he had his say and was waiting for him to respond.
"I didn't mean to start any uprisings." Thomas said.
"I believe you. It doesn't matter. Your stylist turned out to be prophetic in his wardrobe choice. Thomas Everdeen. You have provided a spark that, if left unattended, may grow into an inferno that destroys Panem."
"Why don't you just kill me now?" Thomas asked.
"Publicly? That would only add fuel to the flames."
"Then arrange an accident." he said.
"Who would buy it?" he asked. "Not you, if you were watching."
"Then just tell me what to do, and I'll do it." Thomas said.
"If only it were that easy." He picked up one of the flower cookies and examines it. "Lovely, did your mother make them?"
"Newt." Thomas said. He reached for his tea but sets it back down when he heard the cup rattling against the saucer. He took a cookie to cover himself.
"Newt. How is the love of your life?" He asked.
"Good." Thomas replied.
"At what point did he realize the exact degree of your indifference?" he asked, dipping his cookie in his tea.
"I'm not indifferent." Thomas said. He wasn't. He knew how he felt for Newt, well, mostly. He also knew that he wasn't keen on letting the whole world into his personal life.
"But perhaps you are not as taken with him as you would have the country believe." He said.
"Who says I'm not?" Thomas asked.
"I do." he answered quickly. "And I wouldn't be here if I were the only person who had doubts. How's the beautiful cousin?"
"I don't know... I don't..." His revulsion at this conversation, at discussing the feelings of two of the people he cared most about with President Janson, choked him off.
"Speak, Mr. Everdeen. Her I can easily kill off if we don't come to a happy resolution." he said. "You aren't doing her a favor by disappearing with her into the woods each Sunday."
Thomas shouldn't be surprised that he knew this, in fact he had always suspected that he knew. He had always assumed that he would be safe when he returned to District Twelve though, someone could have easily told him that the pair had been off hunting together, but he couldn't help but let his eyes dart around the room for any sign of a camera. They had done nothing wrong, but then his mind snapped to something that had happened.
It only happened once, it was fast and unexpected but it did happen.
After he and Newt had returned from the Games, it was several weeks before he was able to see Teresa alone. Between all of the ceremonies and events and the reporters that had documented his every move as he provided and kissed Newt for the audience, he had no privacy at all. After a few weeks, everything had died down. The camera crews had all packed up and went home. One night he had waited until he thought the coast was clear, and one Sunday without telling anyone, he got up hours before dawn and headed for the woods.
He went to the place where Teresa and him had shared breakfast the day before the games and waited at least two hours. He thought she wasn't going to show, that she had hated him even. He was so strung up on the idea that she hated him, that he was going to lose her forever, his best friend, and the only person that he had ever trusted with his secrets and the idea that he was going to lose her was so painful that he couldn't stand it. Not on top of everything else that had happened.
The next time he looked up, there she was standing not ten feet from him. Thomas had jumped up and threw his arms around her without thinking. They were holding onto each other so tightly that he couldn't see her face, but it was a really long time before she let him go. They had done what they always did that day. Ate breakfast, hunted and fished and gathered. They talked about the people in town and about her new life in the mines. By the time they had made it back to the hole in the fence, he had thought that things could be the same again. That they could go on being what they once were. Then suddenly, as he was suggesting that he took over the daily snare run, she kissed him.
Thomas was completely unprepared. You would think that after all of the time that he had spent with Teresa, after all of those years of knowing her that he would have seen this coming. That he would have thought about what it would be like to kiss her, but he hadn't expected how warm it would have been. Or how her hands, so callused and worn from the job, could be so soft on his face. He remembered her fingers, curled around the ends of his hair, and the other hand cupping his cheek. Then she let go and said, "I had to do that. Just once." Then she was gone.
He remembered thinking about the kiss, trying to decide if he had liked it or not. But it was so different than all of his kisses with Newt. That was the only comparison, that it was different. He didn't know if he liked it or disliked it, he just knew that it was different.
He didn't see Teresa again until that next Sunday. She had acted like nothing had happened. He had this whole speech planned out, about how he could never marry and never give her the life that she deserved, but he never ended up needing it. He thought maybe she was waiting for him to say something, but how could he? Instead he just pretended like nothing happened either. But it had.
"Please don't hurt, Teresa." Thomas whispered. "She's just my friend. She's been my friend for years. That's all that's between us. Besides, everyone thinks we're cousins now."
"I'm only interested in how this effects your dynamic with Newt, thereby affecting the mood in the districts." he said.
"It'll be the same on the tour. I'll be in love with him just as I was." he said.
"Just as you are." corrected President Janson.
"Just as I am." Thomas confirmed.
"Only you'll have to do even better if the uprisings are to be averted. This tour will be your only chance to turn things around." he said,
"I know. I will. I'll convince everyone in the districts that I wasn't defying the Capitol, that I was crazy in love." Thomas said.
President Janson rose and dabbed his lips with a napkin. "Aim higher in case you fall short."
"What do you mean?" he asked. "How can I am higher?"
"Convince me." he said and dropped the napkin and retrieved his book. Thomas didn't watch him as he headed for the door, so he flinched when he whispered in his ear.
"By the way, I know about the kiss."
Thomas was glued to his chair, he couldn't move. His first instinct was to run and tell Newt and Haymitch, but how could he? When there were ears everywhere. Before he knew what he was doing, he was on his feet and his knuckles were touching the wooden surface of Newt's door. He wanted to run away, he wanted to take back his knock because even if Newt was home and he answered the door, what would he say? He contemplated turning around, running back to his own home but he could hear the uneven footsteps from the other side of the door.
When it was pulled open, he was greeted by warmth and the smell of baked goods. His eyes fell on Newt, he had flour dusted on his front and face and a dish cloth draped over his shoulder. He opened his lips to talk, but his mouth had run dry.
"Thomas." Newt said. He looked surprised to see him, and Thomas was surprised himself to be standing there.
"Hi." He said, because he couldn't say much else.
"Do you want to come inside?" Thomas nodded and stepped inside. He removed his snow coated boots and shook the snowflakes from his hair.
"What are you making?" Thomas asked, his stomach was growling now, a stark contrast from moments before when he thought he was going to vomit.
"Enough to feed the whole district." Newt replied, leading him to the kitchen. Thomas followed; his socked feet soft on the hard wood. On the counters in the kitchen was a whole array of freshly baked goods. Loaves of bread, Danishes, and other deserts blanketed the surfaces.
"You weren't exaggerating." Thomas said.
"You can have some." Thomas stood in the middle of the kitchen and selected a particularly delish looking cheese Danish and picked at the crumbs. "Why did you come here?" He asked, his voice still empty of all emotion. He felt a jab in his heart and he gnawed on his lower lip.
"I... I don't know. To talk, I guess." he mumbled, wiping his hands on the front of his pants. He was still rattled from his chat with President Janson, he could still feel his breath on his ear and smell the roses and blood scent that he carried with him. Newt looked at him expectantly, but Thomas was looking at every crevice of the house, searching for anything that would be able to take his words from him.
"Well?" Newt was washing his hands, and dried them off on his dish cloth and threw it aside.
"I-I'm sorry for what I said." he sucked at apologies. Like really sucked. "Or for what I didn't say." The look on Newt's face did not phase, he was simply waiting for him to continue.
"I don't care what people think. I know that it might seem like it, but I don't. I don't like the attention being on me, and I don't like people asking me stupid questions. I don't know a lot of things, Newt. But I know that what we have or had is something different. I don't know how to explain what I feel. My mind is still in the arena, it's still with Chuck and-and Sonya, and-and-" His hands were shaking too much now, the words that were jumbled together in his mind were all coming out in one big blurb. He could feel it happening again, where his breath was too quick to catch and he couldn't stop sweating, he couldn't stop shaking. He could see spots in his vision, and this was where Newt would pull him back, would give him some sort of anchor to grasp onto. Because he was a mess. He was a mess of a person that didn't deserve anything good. And Newt was too good for him. He felt a hand on his wrist and looked up to meet Newt's eyes, calm and reassuring.
"Breathe." he said softly. "Just breathe." His adrenaline was pumping, and he just couldn't get his hands to stop shaking. Why were they shaking so much?
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I-I'm losing this."
"Tommy." His grasp tightened on his wrist, and he took his other hand. Newt then pulled Thomas into his embrace, and held him until he caught his breath.
"I'm sorry." He whispered into his neck. He just needed him back again, he needed the warmth he brought and the reassurance he gave him.
"I was unfair to you." Newt replied, pulling away from their embrace. "I shouldn't have put you in that situation, and I'm sorry." Thomas sniffed, mentally cursing himself at being such a sniveling baby and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "Can we just go back to being friends, at least?" Thomas sighed in relief and nodded his head.
"Please," he replied, but he just wanted to hold his hand, to caress his face and maybe even kiss him. Newt smiled, and despite what his mind was telling him was wrong, he cupped Newt's face in his hand. His heart swelled with the realization of how much he really missed Newt, but the reality of the outside world was crashing around him. What was he going to do?
He couldn't tell Newt anything that Janson had told him, especially not now that he knew for sure there were eyes and ears on him at all times. But how desperate was he to tell him how afraid he was. How lonely he was.
A/N: hi friends. Not much to say in this authors note but I'm glad you guys are enjoying the story so far!!