Author's Note at the End :)
July 26th, 2014:
I woke up early in the morning due to the jet lag and my mind still reeling from all the emotions I felt yesterday. I ended up not answering Jongin last night, instead, I changed into my pajamas and went straight to bed, too tired to do anything else.
I slip out of the bed and look over at Yoona who was sharing a bed with another staff member that must have come in later. I tip-toe to the bathroom with my phone so as to not wake them up.
I close the door to the bathroom and call Jongin to talk through what happened last night. He was in China right now, so I knew he would be awake and probably on a break eating lunch since it was noon where he was. I press to call him and he picks up almost right away.
"Y/N?" he asks, a little annoyance in his voice.
"Hi oppa," I say, guilt in my own voice.
"What happened yesterday? Why didn't you answer me?" he huffs.
"I'm sorry, I just got really emotional and had to walk it off, and then I was just too tired so I went to sleep," I answer.
"Are you ok?" he questions, his voice going softer.
"I don't know oppa. I just felt so guilty and uncomfortable about having a photoshoot at a memorial for such a horrific moment in history and no one was getting as worked up as me, so I just started getting confused and just... I don't know, it was aggravating," I explain, "and then you weren't supportive when I needed you to be, so I just felt so alone".
Jongin doesn't answer right away. The only way I knew he hadn't hung up was the noise of people talking around him.
"I'm sorry," he finally says, "I should have realised you just wanted someone to vent to. I just don't like seeing you upset so my first reaction will always be to fix things or try to see the positive for you," he apologises, "are you feeling better now though? Did the boys help you?"
"Yeah, yeah they did. Yoongi-oppa went on a walk with me and Yoona unnie let me go to sleep without taking my makeup off," I chuckle, "I actually look horrendous right now, oh my god," I say looking at myself in the mirror properly for the first time.
"I'm sure it's not that bad. Lee Y/N could never look horrendous," states Jongin making me laugh.
"How are things going for you? Not too hard having to go without Kris-sunbaenim?" I ask.
"No, it's not too bad. We've finally been getting in the groove of things," he replies, "and you were so right, the thrill of being on stage is addicting... which you probably already know since I definitely text about it too much, I'm sorry," he chuckles.
"Oh my gosh, don't be sorry! I love it when you get so happy and excited after concerts, it always puts a smile on my face," I answer, smiling as I thought about all his ecstatic texts.
"Urgh, I wish I could hug you, kiss you right now," Jongin says, his voice going quieter a bit.
"Me too," I say sadly, "I'll be back on August 11th though, we can see each other then. You said you were in Seoul then, right?" I verify.
"Yeah, but it's so far away," he pouts, "I want to kiss you right now".
I then hear some commotion in the background.
"You want to kiss someone?" I hear someone shout.
"Are you talking to your girl right now?" another person yells.
"Let me speak to her, give me the phone!" an additional person says closer to the speaker.
I couldn't help but chuckle. Yoongi, Namjoon, and Jimin had met Jongin briefly when I sneaked him into the agency, but I hadn't met or spoken to any of his members yet. I made sure their meeting was brief because I knew he would get berated with questions if we stayed with them too long.
"Shut up! The managers will hear you," Jongin shushes them.
"Just give me the phone then," someone replies. There's then some scratching and muffled noises.
"Y/N? Hello, this is Chanyeol, one of your boyfriend's fellow members," Chanyeol introduces himself.
"Hello Chanyeol-sunbaenim," I reply giggling.
"Oooo, she sounds cute," I hear him say to people on the other end.
"Give me my phone," Jongin says angrily before I hear some more muffled noises.
"Sorry about that," Jongin says back with his phone, "I should probably go".
"Ok, no problem. Good luck with the concert!" I say chuckling.
"Thanks, and I'm sorry about yesterday, I'll try to be better from now on," he apologises again, "I love you, bye now".
He then hangs up. I look down at my phone a little surprised, he had just said he loved me... we hadn't said that to each other yet. He had said it so hastily though, maybe it just slipped. Did he really mean it? I wanted to text him about it, would that be too weird? But I really wanted to know.
Y/N: Do you really love me?
I stare at my phone until he replies.
Kai: I do
Kai: ❤️
A smile forms on my face.
Kai: He really does, doesn't stop watching your videos and raving about you
I laugh, one of his members had obviously stolen his phone again.
Kai: Sorry about that 😅... but I really do love you
I couldn't stop smiling and blushing. But then the thought crept into my head, do I love him? I wasn't sure. I definitely enjoyed his company, and he was being an amazing boyfriend, but love was such a strong word. I didn't want to jump into things only to have my heart broken by fans or the media, or worse by him. I didn't want to be vulnerable.
Y/N: No one has ever said that to me, it feels nice to hear 😊
Y/N: You always manage to put a smile on my face and brighten my day, thank you 😙❤️
I couldn't get myself to say it to him yet. Hopefully, he wouldn't notice the fact I didn't say it back. Maybe when we were in person, I would finally feel ready to say it. It's not that I didn't necessarily love him, but I felt like admitting it to him was just being too vulnerable and made it that if things went wrong, I had so much more to lose. I had already lost one of the people I loved the most in my life in my mother, I didn't want to put myself through another heartbreak.
Author's Note:
Enjoy this short extra chapter! I should be writing my policy brief right now, but I enjoy writing this story more than boring policy briefs so I took a break to write this chapter, hope you liked it!
~1126 words~