Narrator POV
The hope is in vain. Today is just as stressful as yesterday. After make-up, they are driven to the radio station where they have been invited to the morning show. Normally Jade is the one who grabs the microphone and does most of the talking, especially at such an early hour - much to the girls' relief - but not today. Today she sits almost silently next to Jesy, staring into space and having to try hard to keep her eyes open.
"Jade, we heard the sad news about you and Jed. How are you holding up? Is it weird being here in LA, as it is sort of Struts territory?" the presenter asks and Perrie can hardly believe her ears. She quickly turns her head to the side to check on Jade, who makes no effort to answer.
Jesy quickly grabs her hand, which Jade also barely notices, and replies, "We don't really want to talk about it, do we?" she turns to her, eyeing her wide to elicit any response, to which Jade chisels a smile on her face and just nods without comment.
"Of course, we understand that! Let's just change the subject," the radio host continues, somewhat embarrassed, "You're finally touring the States, the American mixers have been gagging for this for ages. How do you feel?"
He looks directly at Jade, who again doesn't make an effort to answer, which is why Perrie gradually takes the floor nervously: "Of course we are thrilled and also very proud to finally be doing an American tour. Some opportunities don't come along very often, so we're ready to give everything on stage for our American fans!", to which the other girls nod with a smile.
"And how is this tour different from an European one? What do you expect?" the presenter asks further.
"Well, for starters America is huge!", Leigh-Anne answers laughing. "When we got the schedule, our eyes fell out of our faces at first. It's definitely going to be quite hectic, in between we've got a video shoot and the Brits are during the tour, so of course we have to fly back to England for a bit for that," and as she lists the schedule, Jade feels herself panicking again. She notices the oppressive headache more, she notices how dizzy she has been since she got up, how heavy her eyes are. Without warning she becomes restless, feels her breath stuck in her throat. Desperately, she clasps her sweaty hands together to somehow calm herself and tries hard not to show her discomfort on her face.
"But that's the life of a popstar and we wouldn't want it any other way!", Jesy says still euphoric and again everyone agrees smiling and nodding, except for Jade who is still trying to make her breathing look normal to the rest.
"Great! What do you guys think about playing a game?"
The other girls cheer, clapping their hands playfully, while Jesy taps Jade a little harshly to bring her back to the here and now. She just nods half-presently and tries to pull herself together, plastering the fake smile on her face again. Perrie and Jade are paired up for the game and Jade notices how Perrie keeps seeking physical contact, how she's extra nice and keeps throwing worried looks at her. But Jade just ignores that, trying hard not to let anything show and Perrie's obvious concern doesn't help. Besides, Jade wanted to stay away, not to keep falling into Perrie's eyes, to ignore the feelings until they finally disappear.
After the quiz round, they sing an acapella version of a new song. When Jade tries to sing the first note, hardly anything comes out and she realises then that she has just tried to use her voice for the first time today. And as fate would have it, she is hoarse. Her voice is so scratchy and deep that you can hardly recognise it as hers. As soon as she makes a sound, the others look over at her, first confused and then worried. Jade tries to laugh it off and shrugs her shoulders with a grin as she says, "Oops," but inside she panics again, knowing full well that not only does she not have time to be sick, but also that she just blew the performance, for her and for the other girls, and as much as she tries to smile for the cameras, she has to pull herself together not to burst into tears.
Perrie takes over her part like the pro she is and Jade only hums along to the chorus. It feels wrong and awful.
"Sorry, girls," Jade whispers awkwardly as they sit back in the car.
"Jadey, why didn't you tell us you were sick?" Jesy asks sympathetically, taking her hand in hers.
"I'm not sick," she says more or less convinced, not wanting to admit it herself.
"Your voice says otherwise," Perrie replies incredulously, not looking up because she is engrossed in her phone.
"I'm fine," Jade just breathes again, shaking her head.
Jesy puts an arm around Jade's slender shoulders and hugs her tightly. "Just let us know if that changes, baby," she says softly and Jade nods, just exhausted again.
At the next radio station, the next interview awaits them, the next game, the next acapella performance. Only this time they have agreed beforehand who will do Jade's parts. So while the others laughingly sing harmonies and warble high notes, Jade just sadly bobs along to the beat.
Jade POV
After presenting the song - well, the other girls - we are interviewed by the presenter. And after the usual questions about what the album is about, what we hope to get out of the tour, what we were thinking when we wrote a certain single and so on, there comes a question I almost feared: "Well girls, the new album has some wonderful love songs on it, if we've interpreted that right. So hands on the table: who's the first to get married?"
Now already annoyed, I close my eyes briefly to pull myself together. Don't let it show.
"Well, hun, one of us would have to be asked first," Perrie says with a laugh, but I notice her looking a little nervously at me. "But my money's on Leigh," she says a little more serious.
"Really?" Leigh asks, but she can't hide the wide grin.
"Only because you want it so badly," Jesy teases her, while I just sit there and smile in silence.
"But why not you, Perrie?" the presenter asks, which makes me want to jump up and leave the damn building. It's bad enough that we have to talk about weddings right after my break-up with Jed, now Perrie, of all people, is asked about her dream relationship with Alex. I like him, he's a great guy and he treats her well. It's just that he's not me.
"Oh, I don't know. I love Alex, he's literally the man of my dreams. I like to think he is my forever. But I just feel too young to get married yet. And so does he! No worries there" she clarifies with a laugh. And I imagine she gives me a quick apologetic look, but just as I'm about to smile at her, she looks away.
Narrator POV
After the interview, Jade rushes as fast as she can back to the van that drives the girls around during their time in L.A. and slams the door, while the others look after her quite perplexed.
"I'm worried," Perrie announces thoughtfully. "Have you guys seen her? She looks like a ghost today and her voice..."
"She's just got a cold," Leigh counters, and Perrie hopes she's right.
"And I think this thing with Jed goes deeper than she'd like to admit. All the questions about them or weddings or whatever doesn't help," Jesy says, to which the other two nod in agreement.
"We'll just keep an eye on her today," Leigh suggests.
"I'll go and check on her," Perrie then says firmly.
As she carefully opens the door of the van, she sees Jade frowning.
"Jadey," Perrie breathes and immediately sits down beside her, touching her hands that still cover her eyes.
"Please don't cry," Perrie almost pleads.
"I'm not crying," Jade counters in her raspy voice, actually wanting to break away from the blonde, to not allow the contact, to not fall for her again. But it just feels too good.
"I'm just exhausted," she then admits tiredly, while Perrie smiles understandingly and brushes a strand of hair out of her face, whereupon Jade's whole body vibrates again.
Thankfully, the next interviews are devoid of singing and awkward questions about their respective relationship statuses. Most of all, everyone was looking forward to the Meet & Greet. The fans are always the best part of the pop star's job. Seeing them laugh, some of them cry, how happy they are just to see their idol's face for five seconds, shows the girls what they do all this for and how much it gives back. They all live for the fans, they love their fans. So much so that Jade has almost forgotten about her obvious cold.
Jade thought the day was steadily getting better, but was promptly proven wrong when they have to play a game during the next interview. Jade had little appetite all day, she couldn't and wouldn't eat anything because she was just too uncomfortable. But the interviewers picked a game, of all things, where they had to eat jelly beans (or rather Bertie Botts beans from Harry Potter) and randomly draw either a delicious flavour or something disgusting.
"Oh no," Jesy whispered with a laugh, already suspecting that this game wouldn't necessarily excite Jade.
"She's going to gag, just so you know," Leigh explains as she points to Jade, who was trying to put on an unimpressed expression.
"I'm very bad with stuff like that," she says monotonously, meanwhile eyeing critically the game already set up.
"Me too, me too, don't worry. We'll gag together," the moderator says with a laugh to lighten the mood.
The game begins and as luck would have it, Jade has no luck in any round. Each time she has the disgusting version in her mouth and has to control herself not to vomit loudly into the bin. By the fourth round, however, she can't keep it together any longer and fortunately only has to gag loudly, whereupon Perrie pats her back with a laugh.
"Oh, babe," she says laughing but pitying her at the same time.
"That literally tasted like vomit," Jade explains, quite out of breath, and decides to give up the game before she actually throws up.
"But then you lose the game!" the presenter declares.
"I've had the shitty variant four times, hun, I've already lost," she replies quickly, crossing her arms in front of her chest, trying to ignore the migraine that's getting stronger and stronger, and leaning back, somehow letting this game get the better of her too.
"How is it possible that you've only had delicious tastes?!" Leigh asks in horror in Perrie's direction, who just laughs maliciously and shrugs.
"My lucky day, I guess," she replies, sticking her tongue out.
"Totally unfair!" Leigh continues, to which Jade, without looking up from her phone, only replies quietly and bitterly, "You could have swapped with me."
"Jade wins. Four in four. You can't be that unlucky," Jesy agrees with a laugh.
"Fitting," she blurts out quietly, still engrossed in her phone so she doesn't notice the concerned looks from the other girls. Leigh and Jesy shrug and turn their attention to their own phones, but Perrie's attention stays on Jade. She notices those tired, heavy eyes, the obvious dark circles despite the make-up, the pale skin.
"Jade, are you okay?" Perrie blurts out.
"Stop asking me that," she replies as she rolls her eyes, angrier than she planned, which she quickly recognises from Perrie's mortified expression, but she chooses to just ignore the blonde.
This day is seemingly endless and with every second she feels worse. All she wants to do is arrive at the hotel room and sleep, hoping to wake up healthy again. And when she thinks about it, she would like to have Perrie next to her, to feel her arms around her, to let her take care of her. But that hasn't been possible for a long time and will never be an option again, she knows that very well. And that doesn't make her current mood any better. She doesn't want to be reminded of what she can never have. She does not want to see Perrie's worried look on one side, but to hear her laughter and giggles when she's on her phone on the other. She doesn't want to be touched by her, knowing full well that she's just reading more into it.
And just when Jade thought the day couldn't get any worse, she's proven wrong again.
"We're playing a game!" the host of the next interview announces, to which the girls cheer and clap and Jade joins in with an obvious fake smile.
"Perrie, you're joining us here, we need you as a judge," he says with a laugh, pulling Perrie to him.
"But I want to play too!" she says tearfully, like a little child, while Jade mentally just questions why Perrie, of all people, shouldn't take part in the game.
"A sense of smell is crucial for this game," he explains calmly, to which Perrie first crosses her arms in front of her chest defiantly, then laughs before it occurs to her what that means. She automatically looks worriedly at Jade, who has already realised what is about to happen and looks almost panic-stricken at Perrie. They all know how sensitive Jade is to smells, how easy it is to trigger her with them, and today of all days when she is not well anyway.
"Oh no," Perrie breathes for Jade's ears only, already wanting to say something against it, to which Jade vehemently shakes her head. Just no attention. Let's not admit live that she's not well.
"All right, blindfolds on, ladies," the presenter asks the three remaining girls, to which Jade reluctantly complies.
The first item is not bad, they have to sniff at coffee, though even this strong smell doesn't do much good for Jade's nausea. The second task is a rose, to which Perrie just laughs, relieved at how harmless this game is. But her laugh promptly dies.
"What's that?" she asks quietly, so the girls can't hear her, as she sees the next item. She catches a glimpse, whereupon she suspects the worst and immediately breathes softly but energetically, "No, you can't!"
"Yes, yes, it will be fun," the presenter contradicts with a laugh.
"No, you don't understand..." she wants to counter, following his movement to stop the inevitable, but he is too quick. Item number three promptly hangs under Jade's nose and Perrie can only watch helplessly as Jade immediately turns away, gagging loudly and putting her hand over her mouth.
"Oh no," she whispers again.
"Oh God, what is that!" Leigh cries indignantly also overcome by what appears to be a very strong, disgusting smell.
"I don't smell anything," Jesy only replies, before she does catch a whiff and also screams loudly, "Woah," and turns away.
But Perri's eyes stay on Jade. Still with her back to the camera, she sees the brunette still gagging, sees how hard she is just pulling herself together, how she is even shaking. When she turns around, paler than ever, she seems to have recovered. But then the presenter holds the bag in front of her nose again, without Jade being able to react because she is still wearing the blindfold.
"Stop it," his colleague says, but it was too late. Jade begins to retch again, only this time she tears the blindfold off, looks in panic at Perrie, desperately holds her hand in front of her mouth and runs to the bin, which is still in the camera's frame. And then she throws up. Shocked silence is following as Perrie runs to her side only to be pushed away as Jade gets up and runs out of the room. Meanwhile, Leigh and Jesy have taken off their blindfolds in wonderment and look after Jade with concern.
"What the hell did we smell there?" Jesy asks aloud.
"Pickled fish," Leigh explains as she examines the bag with a disgusted look.
"More like rotten pickled fish," Jesy improves reproachfully, exchanging a worried glance with Perrie.
"I'll go and check on her," she then says quietly and also runs out of the room in search of Jade.
Her search leads her to the nearest toilet, where fortunately only the one cubicle seems to be occupied, where Jade is loudly vomiting. Perrie feels terrible for her. She knows exactly how much Jade hates throwing up and how embarrassed she feels right now.
"Jade, open the door," she says quietly.
"Go away," Jade breathes, just before she throws up again.
"Please," Perrie pleads, knocking on the door, whereupon she realises it's not locked. Careful not to hit Jade, she opens the door a crack. And what she sees breaks her heart. Jade is sitting against the wall with tears streaming down her face, breathing heavily, white as a sheet and shaking all over.
"Oh Jadey," Perrie whispers pitifully and immediately kneels down to her.
"Go away," Jade tries to chase her away again as she avoids her gaze.
"Not a chance," Perrie responds firmly. Just as Jade is about to contradict something, she is caught by the next wave of nausea and just manages to hit the toilet in time while Perrie holds her hair and strokes her back.
"Why fish?! Of all the things in the world, those bloody assholes chose rotten fish?!" she snorts indignantly when she is done.
"Such a shitty move. Honestly, I'm so mad" Perrie agrees.
"They knew, they knew how I'd react, didn't they?" she asks bitterly.
"I don't think so," Perrie replies, trying to reassure Jade.
"Of course they knew," Jade says angrily, but doesn't get much further as she throws up again.
"God, and why can't I stop?" she asks, exhausted and suddenly crying again. Without hesitation, Perrie takes her in her arms, which Jade allows this time, whispering over and over, "It's okay, let it out."
After what feels like an eternity, she gets a message from Jesy asking how things are going. She looks thoughtfully at Jade, who still looks like a zombie but at least hasn't thrown up in the last five minutes.
"Do you think you're done?" she then asks hesitantly to which Jade just nods.
"What else do we have planned for today?" she then asks, knowing full well that she is usually the one with the schedule in her mind.
"Um, I think we're supposed to have dinner and then we're going to the Ellen Show tonight," Perrie explains thoughtfully.
Finally, Jade stands up, saying as she does so, "There's no way I'm eating anything today," and then has to quickly brace herself against the wall as the dizziness from this morning comes back.
"What the fuck," Perrie says in concern, holding Jade's arm to steady her as Jade wearily closes her eyes.
"Maybe we should go to the hospital, babe. You really don't look too well," Perrie suggests thoughtfully.
"No," Jade says quietly but forcefully, at which she cringes a little herself. "No, I'm fine, just a bit of a cold combined with that fishy smell," she then explains a little more calmly.
"Just help me into the car, I'll be fine," she continues to speak, growing more tired with each word.
"Jade...", Perrie wants to discuss incredulously, but Jade's pleading eyes silence her and she reluctantly grabs her hand, putting her other arm around her waist and supporting her as she walks.
Through a back door, shielded from paparazzi, they walk slowly towards the van without speaking a word. The other two are already waiting and immediately rush towards them when they see how tight Perrie's grip is around Jade's waist and how she is almost carrying her, how weak Jade is all of a sudden.
"Fuck," Leigh whispers. "Are we going to the hospital?"
"No," Jade breathes barely audibly but decisively and Leigh wants to say something else against it, but Perrie shakes her head frantically, whereupon she falls silent after all and instead grabs Jade's other arm and helps her into the car.
"Thanks, guys," she just says and closes her eyes wearily, resting her forehead in her hands.
The others exchange worried glances but decide to let the situation rest and Perrie just puts an arm around Jade's shoulder and hugs her tightly, giving her a kiss on the forehead. Normally, Jade would not allow the contact to continue, to make the situation easier for both of them. But today she is just too weak. Today she just can't push Perrie's warmth away from her or tell herself that it doesn't feel good. Today she can only let it happen.
After a few minutes Jade had fallen asleep, which made everyone breathe a sigh of relief, at least she could get some rest before the last interview tonight. The girls briefly debated whether to wake Jade for dinner, but Perrie argued that she wouldn't eat anyway, so they decided to just let her sleep. However, at dinner neither of them felt good about leaving her alone in the van and quickly wolfed down their plates to return to the sick band member. Jade didn't wake until they arrived at Ellen's studio.
"Hey, sleeping Beauty," Perrie whispers with a smile. "Feeling better?" her eyes full of hope.
Tired as she is, Jade can't lie and just shakes her head as she rubs her eyes. Perrie hugs her tightly again, then grabs her hand and helps her stand. "Just the one more interview," she whispers.
"And about 20 more in the next three days!" shouts Jesy behind them sarcastically, to which Perrie gives her an angry look.
"It's so great to have you girls here in the States, all the American mixers always miss you so much, including me of course," Ellen says quickly, to which the girls grin broadly - Jade included - and sound their rehearsed chorus of thanks.
"But before we start, just as a little...precaution," she says with a grin, pulling out a bucket from behind her chair and placing it at Jade's feet.
"Oh god," Jade says with a grin but can barely suppress her obvious embarrassment.
"Just in case you need it," Ellen says with a wink and Perrie laughs a little uncomfortably.
"For those who don't know what I'm talking about, here's a little clip," Ellen says again, laughing, and the girls suspect the worst. And indeed, there are already numerous videos from the previous interview, in which Jade throws up on camera. Jade would like the ground to swallow her up, but knows she has to stay tough and cool and funny, even though the replay of the video makes her nausea rise again.
"Live puking, I guess I can cross that off the bucket list," she finally says, to which everyone laughs nervously.
"It's an experience worth having!" Ellen agrees.
"I can only recommend it, a real kick for self-confidence," Jade replies as she plays with her fingers, whereupon Perrie quickly puts her hand on hers, still laughing nervously.
"But why did it happen? Fans on instagram and twitter are going absolutely crazy. Here's some wild guesses," Ellen continues to speak, and snippets of comments all containing the same question appear on the screen behind them.
"I think we're all dying to know if the fans are right and if you really are pregnant, Jade," Ellen picks up further.
Jade is shocked, to say the least. Not only that such speculation has arisen so quickly just because she threw up on camera, but also that she is being asked about this so directly. Despite the fact that her break-up is official. Do presenters have no sense of shame at all?
She swallows for a moment, then says with a shrug in her American accent: "Well, I didn't want to say it like that, but now that it's out." And she remains so serious that even Ellen can't tell if she's speaking the truth now.
"Then I guess congratulations are in order! Who's the father?" she probes further, and Jade grows more uneasy and also angrier by the second. She wasn't prepared for this question and she can't think of a witty answer.
"Me," she hears Perrie say with a laugh and suddenly feels a hand on her completely flat stomach.
"So Jerrie's still a thing?" asks Ellen.
"Oh yes, Jerrie is still very real," Perrie replies laughing, which Jade can hardly stand. How she wishes it were so. But to Perrie it is laughable, nothing more than a joke.
"But pregnant or not, the smell of rotten fish, if you despise fish in general, makes you want to vomit. That's just the law, I was powerless!" she says still, touching Perrie's hand on her stomach and removing it unobtrusively, yet forcefully.
The others laugh at Jade's comment and Perrie pats her leg, while Jade just hopes that this interview will end soon so she can finally go back to the hotel to crawl under the duvet and never come out again.
She doesn't speak a word to the others on the drive back and sits as far away from Perrie as possible as she reads through the rumours and comments about her vomit-video the entire way.
Arriving at the hotel, Perrie does offer her a hand but, although still quite wobbly on her feet, she slaps the offered hand away without a word and walks ahead.
"I think I'll sleep in my room tonight...alone," Jade says curtly, already opening the door to the room.
"Call if you need anything, Jadey," Jesy says kindly, to which Jade just nods and quickly closes the door behind her.
"Are we sure she should sleep alone? What if something happens?" Leigh asks thoughtfully, but Jesy just shrugs. "It's what she wants. We can go and check on her, make sure she's alright," she says, opening her bedroom door for the rest of the band members to slip through.
"I'm worried about her," Perrie says immediately as she throws her bag on the floor and plops down on the bed.
"Not to be missed," Jesy counters, already changing her clothes.
"You should have seen her in the toilet! She couldn't stop throwing up and afterwards she was so weak she could hardly stand or walk! I really thought she was going to pass out at any moment," Perrie explains, upset.
"Stinky fish is Jade's kryptonite, it was such shitty move to put the bag in her face a second time. They almost conjured it up," Jesy replies.
"Can we please not go on that show again? That was really cruel," Leigh joins in as she gets rid of her makeup.
"Oh yeah, I'm all for that! And, while we're at it, let's cross Ellen off the list too," Jesy joins in. "What was with those stupid questions about Jade being pregnant."
"It's been a really shitty day for her," Leigh says thoughtfully.
"And she's been pale and absent all day. And did anyone see her eat anything today?", Perrie continues, full of worry.
"She's just sick. She's come down with something and that's on top of the whole Jed thing. We know her, she doesn't talk about things like that, she prefers to hide her sadness," Jesy explains calmly.
"Do you really think it's just Jed?" asks Perrie a little incredulously.
"What else?" Jesy replies with a raised eyebrow, to which Perrie barely audibly replies, "Oh, I don't know," but that's only half the truth. In fact, Perrie knows her fellow Geordie much better than the other two, much more intimately. So they share moments and memories that have brought them as close as they could never be with the others. But no one knows that except Jade and Perrie, and they want to keep it that way. But that's also why Perrie senses something, why she knows that it's more than just the cold and just the separation from Jed that's on her mind and pulling her down so much.
"Why exactly did they break up anyway?", Leigh then asks curiously.
"She never talked about it, just announced that it was over and that she didn't want to talk about it," Jesy explains. "Or do you know more, Pez?"
"No, no idea," the blonde replies and this time it's true. She really has no idea what went on between them or why the break-up happened, but she intends to change that.
"Well, maybe some sleep and rest will help her," Jesy then says with something final in her voice and goes into the bathroom.
Meanwhile, as Jade has closed the door behind her, she can no longer hold back tears that have been announcing themselves the entire trip back to the hotel. She sinks to the floor with her back to the door, hugs her knees and begins to sob.
She sobs because she embarrassed herself live today. And the comments were intoxicating accordingly. Some made fun of her appearance, some started the rumours of the supposed pregnancy, some reproached her for how unprofessional and disgusting she was. Normally, she paid no attention to such hate comments and was relatively immune to them. But when comments start to feel true, she can't ignore it anymore.
She sobs because she almost lost her voice this morning and therefore couldn't sing because she couldn't do her job, her passion.
She sobs because the whole world is talking about her break-up or wants to remind her of it, which Jade tries vehemently to avoid. But what frightens her is that she is sad not because she has to think about Jed, but because she has to think about the reason for her break-up. Of that blonde hair and those ocean-blue eyes that never left her alone today. How Perrie had touched her non-stop today, watching her and worrying about her. Which would actually be nice if it didn't hurt so much.
She sobs because Perrie has made a joke out of Jerrie after all this time, because Perrie ridicules the relationship.
And ultimately she sobs from sheer exhaustion. Because the migraine is getting worse and worse, because the tiredness is killing her, because the nausea still hasn't gone away, because the dizziness seems to keep coming back and because her voice almost sounds worse than it did this morning.
She decides to at least take a quick shower to wash off this terrible day, then hastily wipes off the make-up, slips into her pyjamas and hides under the covers. Since she has closed the door behind her, she cannot stop the tears and so she cries herself to sleep, alone and unheard.
While the other two have long been fast asleep, Perrie just tosses and turns and can't get a wink of sleep. Her thoughts only revolve around the brunette next door, which is why she finally gets up and quietly and secretly sneaks into the room with Jade.
The room is dark and she sees Jade lying in bed covered up to her neck, whereupon she decides to catch just a glimpse of her face. She had expected to see Jade asleep, but instead she has absent-mindedly widened her eyes.
"Jade", Perrie whispers her name, immediately worried yet again.
"Perrie?", Jade asks in disbelief, obviously not having noticed the blonde starring at her before.
"Why aren't you sleeping?", Perrie wants to know as she carefully sits down on the edge of the bed.
"I could ask you the same", Jade answers in her raspy voice.
"Well to be honest, I couldn't stop thinking about you", she admits. "You scared me a bit with today." She brushes a strand of hair from Jades face, whereupon she closes her eyes and barely audible says: "Please don't do that."
Perrie immediately backs away while she looks at Jade thoughtfully. "Why can't I touch you?", she asks timidly.
"Don't be ridiculous", Jade replies while she quickly looks away.
"I'm being serious. Since that awful interview with Ellen you've been so weird. Keeping your distance, especially from me. Please talk to me, Jade. I can see that there is more bothering you than this damn cold", Perrie says. Jade lies down again on her back, turning away from Perrie and stares at the ceiling, hoping to somehow flee this conversation, but the blonde doesn't give up.
"Please, just talk to me. What's going on?", Perrie then pleads. And Jade struggles to not let herself fall right into the persons arms that used to catch her. The person she could always be her true self with, where she could show vulnerability without even thinking about it. Because she knows the second she opens up, she won't be able to hold back any more. Right this second she struggles whether to just admit it here and now and tell Perrie the whole truth, but decides against it, to not make their current relationship even more complicated. Besides that, Perrie seems to be happy, she seems to be at a good place right now. And Jade doesn't want to sabotage her happiness. So she lies.
"I'm fine."
But Perrie can see right through her. She quickly shakes her head in disbelief and turns on the light to get a better look at Jade.
"Why won't you let me hold you? Why did you push me away after the show tonight?", but when Jade doesn't seem to answer, Perrie again reviews the interview in her head and starts to ask: "Is it because of those pregnancy rumors?"
And when Jade still won't answer, Perrie suddenly gets a very uncomfortable feeling and it almost kills her to ask: "It...it isn't true, is it?"
"Of course not!", Jade yells, as far as her voice allows it, annoyed, while Perrie sighs in relief. But she stills frowns when she hears Jade mutter: "Even if everyone seems to think that it is...."
"So that's what's bothering you? Those awful comments?", Perrie continues to ask.
"No", Jade admits truthfully, but still avoiding the blondes gaze as she crosses her arms over her chest.
"So this is about Jed", Perrie comes to an conclusion, all of a sudden annoyed and disappointed. She still had some hope that it wouldn't be that.
But Jade shakes her head again, annoyed that Perrie, of all people, wants to talk about her failed relationship. Yet another failed relationship.
"Just leave me alone", she then pleads as she suddenly feels unexpected tears falling down her cheeks. She quickly turns away to not show how vulnerable and hurt she actually is right now, but Perrie had already seen with a heavy heart. So she grabs Jade wrist to turn her towards her, whereupon Jade can't help but to groan a bit in pain. Immediately Perrie drops her hand und looks at it in shock, while Jade only holds the throbbing hand, somewhat surprised.
"God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you", Perrie says, her face full of regret, as she examines the wrist more closely only to see a blue, purple ring-like bruise. It looks like she had been grabbed very harshly.
"Jade, what is that?", Perrie asks horrified. "Where did you get that?!"
But Jade just shakes her head again, she can hardly hear her. As if something just snapped and she can't keep her cool. Perhaps because of the surprisingly persistent pain in her hand now that she didn't even know was there just a few seconds ago. Or because of her poor state of health, because she is so tired that she could sleep all day but just won't fall asleep as she is plagued with her old friend known from the past, her insomnia. Maybe because of all those horrible interviews today, or because all those negative comments finally got to her. But in that moment she loses control.
"So, you actually want to know? You want to know why I distanced myself from you?", she then asks as loud and angry as her voice allows it. "Because I'm fucking mad at you!"
Struck and surprised by Jades words Perrie looks at her, stunned. "Why the hell are you mad at me? What did I do?", she asks genuinely clueless and also a bit hurt.
"You made a fucking joke...of us. You made a joke about Jerrie", Jade then explains through gritted teeth.
"I surely did not, I would never!", Perrie argues, getting angry herself.
"Yes, you did! At the Ellen show, tonight", Jade replies, while turning her gaze away from the blonde.
"I was just trying to save you from that stupid pregnancy question!", Perrie yells meekly.
"And the only thing coming to your mind was fucking "Jerrie is real", right?", Jade quotes bitterly.
"I don't understand your problem. We always did that..."
"Before it actually got real! And especially before we had to end it. It lost it's fun a long time ago, but you still use it...", Jade tries to scream in frustration, but her voice breaks in the middle of her sentence.
"I would never in my life make fun of it", Perrie says, shocked of this accusation.
"You don't even notice when you're doing it", Jade now has to whisper. "And you know what? It hurts. It hurts a lot. Really shows me how much it meant to you."
"Stop that! That's so not fair!", Perrie replies getting even angrier. "It wasn't my fault our relationship had to end and you know that! And a little reminder, I wasn't the one who moved on first, was I?!"
And normally, Jade would just end this conversation right here, because she knows she screwed up and because she knows simply talking about the past makes her relationship with Perrie way too complicated. But she lost the control of her words and hears herself say full of rage: "And here we are. Me with the failed relationship, because after all this time I still can't get over you. And you full of happiness and completely in love with, what did you say? The man of your dreams. Your forever."
Jade crosses her arms over her chest and wants desperately to avoid Perries gaze while she can't control the little sobs.
"What did you just say?", Perrie says in utter shock as she looks at her in complete disbelief, dead in her tracks, unable to move or to breathe.
"Please, just leave me alone", Jade pleads now. "Just get out."
And even if Jade wishes, deep down in her heart, for a different reaction, even if Perrie would much rather want to hold Jade in her arms and hug her tightly to tell her that everything is going to be okay, she is so overwhelmed with the situation, with Jades honesty, with her own feelings, which are all over the place right now, that she simply obeys Jades request. Without another word she quickly gets up and leaves the room.
And while Perrie is so confused by everything that just happened that she can't fall asleep, Jade manages to cry herself to sleep, desperately hoping that the next day is going to be better.
Thanks for reading so far! I don't know how often I am going to update. The story is finished (for the most part) but I want to edit every chapter before I publish it. So we'll see :) But I can promise I'll update at least once a weak.