Taking the trash out, I see him flinch as the medical team slips through our front door past him, rushing up the stairs. With the lack of screaming and accompanying violence, I could only assume Caspian was allowing them to treat him.
In the silence that fills the room as he goes out into the front yard, I scan my eyes over the kitchen. The blood covering the island slowly drips onto the stool and down to the floor, pooling in a thick reflective puddle. I see the concern on my face flashed back at me, why did this feel so different?
Perhaps it was his unapologetic conclusion.
As far as Caspian was concerned, I always expected understanding from Verando. Much as I'd wished for this outcome, it felt different now, an ending of an era of understanding or a signal that we're losing him to the past. Worse, were we losing him to Shadowcast?
I get to work on cleaning up the blood, wishing my ability was working. Paper towels could be destroyed more easily than cloth, nothing we threw away was retained, we burned it all. Much to Lotta's disapproval, Verando did not want to risk anything getting out of what occurred here. Every piece that left our home was burned, bodies included, until there was nothing but ash.
I think it bothered her at the level of her job more than personally, she understood we had to protect ourselves, but surely she felt a moral duty. After all, the police were on to us, we were at the center of too many events to continue going on this path for much longer. Thankfully for Gospel, they couldn't bug our home, but things like this were a hair away from bringing the full force of the government to our doorstep.
I pinch the bridge of my nose, sighing as I stand, only to pause as I see him enter the room. "You're taking this a lot harder than I thought you would."
The blunt nature of his words makes me swallow as I consider them.
"It's not like you."
He scoffs, "It is. You were here when I cut the lungs from someone's back. You watched me feed Naptalion a scorched ring, I don't think you can say this is beyond me. I made Red cut off her own fingers. You haven't looked at me like this in years."
Pulling my lips into a thin line, I watch his face, nervous for the first time in so long. The blood spatter still remained, dried flecks spreading across where the black eye had taken hold. "You always do what you must to get your point across, this just felt... I really don't know, Randy. Shadowcast has me worried, I've seen darkness and this is so out of range for your normal response to Caspian."
"He drowned me." His voice is sharp, the anger still boiling under the surface. My wolf takes notice, hackling inside of me, telling me to be on my guard. "Hours and hours he held me underwater until I felt as though my lungs would burst only to allow me to catch my breath for seconds and then repeated it. I can hardly stand to shower, do you have any idea how weak that makes me feel?"
Verando rarely yells, to hear him raise his voice makes me recoil. I take a step back, averting my eyes, my wolf knows better than to challenge him like this. Spotting my uncertainty, he takes a slow breath, collecting himself as he wraps his arm around himself to support his bruised ribs. I hear his teeth grind, reeling it in, considering his words carefully.
"He was absolutely prepared for me to welcome him back with open arms and pathetically enough, I was prepared to do so. Unfortunately for him, there is still a hint of psychosis from my days as a lycan overlord. Chopping off his hand, while theatrical, seemed logical at the time. I can't allow him to persuade me so easily, I can't let my feelings for him cloud the fact that Caspian, as we know him, is incredibly dangerous."
His feelings.
I slowly cross the space, making sure to warn him with my eyes as I near him. It's his turn not to look at me, I wish I could heal him, all of him.
"Caspian has been a crucial part of your life. I don't blame you for.. loving.. him. I hate him, but I can understand it better now that I've seen what you dealt with." It was an odd sense of understanding, a part of me that wished to reassure him more than I wanted to spiral into the abyss of him ever loving someone else.
I was convinced of him, enough though he'd only told me he cared for Caspian, I knew it as the truth because I knew how much the man loved me. He would walk through fire for me, die for me, and he would do nearly the same for Caspian. Caspian, however, did not win him. I did.
"I don't love him." Verando's voice is sharp again, the light eyes lock on my face and I reach up to touch his cheek. The stubbled jaw feels so familiar under my hand as I brush my thumb across his cheekbone. My broken warlord, I pull him to me as I knot my hand in the hair at the nape of his neck and kiss him. His eyebrows tighten, pulling down as he wrinkles his nose, "Stop looking at me like that."
"Like I love you?" I ask as lightly as I can, stretching up on my toes to try to alleviate some of the strain on his ribs.
"Like you feel sorry for me." He responds as I kiss him again, his free hand encircles my waist as I tilt my head to deepen the kiss. I can feel his heart pounding under my fingers as my other hand rests on his chest, the tension in his muscles rippling under my fingers, the heat radiating off his body. "I much prefer when you call me an ass and tell me to get over it."
Smirking, I claim his mouth, only to break the kiss and meet his gaze. I can see the conflict in his eyes, wanting so badly to smooth the tension between his eyebrows. "Even if it doesn't please everyone, don't forget who you are. I'll never pretend to understand what has gone on between you two but I'm never going to stop loving you, no matter what you decide to do with Caspian. I love you because you can be insufferably noble." I tease, capturing his lower lip in my teeth.
The low growl in his throat horrifies me to my core and I freeze against him, only for him to pause and curse under his breath. "Sorry, darling."
"It's alright, I'm just still.. seeing... you chopping off Caspian's hand." Kissing him once more, I pull him to me. "I also hate seeing you in pain."
"Yet you keep bending me to your height." He accuses, voice rough as I grin against his lips. Verando takes control, kissing me slowly, savoring the moment. I'm breathless as he sighs, straightening. "What?"
At first, I think he's talking to me, but I see the younger version of my husband standing at the entrance to the kitchen. He's conflicted as he scans over us, uncertain about how he feels about seeing us like this I'm sure. "Can I talk to you?"
It's a glimpse of my husband, his tone was strong, his stance not that of a scrawny youth just trying to get by.
"No."
I elbow the man, rolling my eyes at him as he flinches. "Asshole."
Randy stiffens, squaring his shoulders. "I know you don't want to help me, that you don't want to tell me anything, but I think I have the right to some answers. The past is already being changed, and if this is my future, you'll be hard-pressed to convince me not to do everything in my power to change it. I... " He shudders, taking a step back. "I never wanted to become like this, you look just like father..."
Verando snarls, flashing his teeth. "Don't compare me to him-" Freezing, he flinches, bracing himself against the counter to cough and I'm shocked to see the fresh blood trickling down his chin. "Damn it."
"Sit down." I demand the man, shoving him towards the island to force him onto one of the stools. Checking his eyes, I assure myself they're both still the same icy blue. "The past is already messed up, he deserves some answers."
Narrowing his eyes at me, he sighs and glances toward the younger version. "What do you want?"
Taking the history book, Randy sets it down on the table. "When.. do I become this?" Pressing his hand over the book, the genuine fear is clear on his face. He wants to change the past, he doesn't want our future, and I can't say that I blame him. I'd known my husband too well to think he was happy with our lives, much as he adored me, much as he loved our children, the depression that loomed over his days was a constant struggle. I often wonder if I wasn't part of the cause, though I remind myself that he was much worse off before I met him.
Verando watches the book, setting his jaw as he calculates his answer, brushing his lips with the back of his hand. "It doesn't happen overnight. One day, you become tired of being the punching bag, that sets the ball in motion. Kato stepped in to help channel all this anger and aggression, Sota decided you might have some potential."
Randy frowns, almost seeming disappointed. "Sota doesn't even come around anymore. Kato knows I'm using. Perhaps I've already altered something."
"Kato kicks your ass for it, too." Verando frowns as well.
Wrapping his arms around himself, he sighs, the familiar look of wanting to disconnect crosses his face. He doesn't want to have this conversation, but there must be an answer he's looking for. Randy finally meets the gaze of his current self, "Not yet he hasn't. He wanted to meet with me the day you took us, we'd been caught by the police moving drugs, and we lost the whole shipment. I'd missed the deadline, I'd been with Adiya, Caspian was trying to cover for me-"
"Caspian set you up with Adiya, if you remember correctly. Caspian likes to lay the groundwork for these events and then bail you out. Wait till you find out she's pregnant..." Running a hand through his hair, he sighs heavily. The younger version takes a step back, looking like he might want to run, only something keeps him glued here.
"Do we change?" His voice is small.
Verando takes a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, lighting one, he must be stressed to dare smoke inside the house. "No."
I flick his ear. "Yes, you do. Eventually."
Taking a slow breath, Randy forces himself to approach the table with stiff legs. "Why... are we talking about killing Caspian when it seems like... there is an easier option. The past is changing because..." Closing his eyes, he clenches his jaw, "What if Caspian isn't the problem? What if it was Caspian who was meant to do all of these things, and we are just in the way?"
My heart drops, I don't need him to hear this, I don't want him to hear this. Taking Verando's face in my hands, I nearly caused him to drop his cigarette. "Listen to me, don't you dare consider that even for a second, got that? Don't you dare take yourself away from me!"
"It's not this version of me you need to convince." His voice is low, this is something I know had crossed his mind before, I'd seen the darkness laid out before me. I'd been in a dream with him where it had nearly consumed him, I knew better than anyone how this life had plagued him. Looking towards Randy, he exhales after taking a long drag off his cigarette. "Caspian is not the one who can save our people and you know it."
Randy slams his hands on the counter, the emotion welling up in his eyes. "I don't want this! I never wanted this, you are everything I never wanted to become! Look at us! You cut off Caspian's hand, the things in this book that you have done are beyond what I ever considered myself capable of. Everyone I love is dead and I am at the center of it!" Rubbing his eye with the back of his hand, he sniffles shakily.
Verando pulls his lips into a thin line as if he wished I weren't here to hear this. "Three days after Kato beats me within an inch of my life, I stand on top of the warehouse, overlooking the pier. I don't jump. I go back, I renew my oath, and I become one of the most valuable banditi in his arsenal."
Randy gives him a hard look. "I want to." He whispers.
"Caspian thought you were trying to stay here, I don't think you were trying to stay to remain, you were planning to go through with what we'd already been thinking of doing. A low point. The lowest point I reached before making the decision."
I look back and forth between them. "You were going to end your life?"
"You've seen me consider it before." Verando's answer is flat as he stares at the youth. "So that's why this is happening, you're going to go home and off yourself."
Randy shakes his head, trying to block out the emotion, trying to appear strong. "I haven't made up my mind yet. I'm trying to figure out what it is that has drawn me down this path and I see you... kissing.. him.. and I can't help but think I've never kissed anyone like that before. Not even Kitten. I've never let anyone touch me like that, so what is it that is so good about this life that keeps us going after all of this torment? Please... give me something.. anything."
Verando snuffs out the cigarette, tossing the butt into the sink. "There comes a day when you have conquered everything, you've won, and there's nothing left. The Magic Lord is dead, the world is on fire, and nothing has changed. Everyone is still cursed and the work seems as though it will never end, the world looks at you, waiting for your next move because you're the only one that can fucked to do it. Then, you're told one of the royals is alive.
You argue with Sota, that he has no value, that an underling could easily take care of such a young man. In reality, you've decided that the request for more will never end, and it's time to make a decision. Sota insists that he needed to be killed by me. It was my fangs that must spill his blood, because he was the last son of the King. It seemed like a fitting end to a reign of terror.
You walk into that room because it's the last thing you plan on doing, you hope beyond hope that this is over quickly because you're so numb that you question if you're even still alive. Then that door opens, and you see him, looking out the window with a rather curious expression on his face. He was intending to survive. It was like he was tracking us, he was devising a plan.
When you speak to him-" Verando chuckles, shaking his head. "He wheels around and insults you, with a look on his face of complete defiance and it's so bloody refreshing. It was as if my heart started beating again, that there was some sort of light in the abyss. I couldn't kill him, I had to devise a plan because I wanted to save that feeling. If he could keep going in the face of death-"
I hadn't heard this side of it, I didn't know he had been planning on killing me. "You were going to kill me?!" I demand.
Verando shrugs. "Valhalla was a gift, to die in battle, it seemed so final. I adopted it full-heartedly, turning into a machine with a singular mission to complete, and then you confronted me. It was not love at first sight, it wasn't like that, but it was a spark that cracked the shell. It was the first thing I'd felt in months. If you're looking for a reason, it all started with Nic."
Thinking back to those early days, I'd thought he was odd in the amount of time he spent in my presence. Every opportunity he got, he came to my room to sit, and even going along our path together, he often would return to the window the stare out it. Was it a constant reminder of that moment? It brings a single tear to my eye, I put my arms around the man's neck and hug him tightly.
"Ribs-" Verando winces. "Your lack of healing abilities is becoming quite a downer, love."
"Shut up." I sniffle. "You were going to kill me. Let me have this. Gods, I love you." Tilting my head to see the young man without releasing my husband, I feel more decided. "Can we spend some time together? You asked me to help you love me, I think it's the least I could do."