Jade POV
I am tired. All the time, every minute. At the moment I am so exhausted that it almost makes me feel empty. That I have no strength to think about other things. And I don't know why. A few weeks ago Jed and I broke up. Amicably, without discussions, without hard goodbyes. Of course it's a strange feeling, of course it hurt to let him go. After all, we had been a couple for two years. But I also knew it was long overdue. I loved him, I really did. But not in the way you should love your long-term boyfriend, I loved him more like my best friend. We both blamed it on the distance. That it was impossible to have a relationship when you both work on different continents, when you never actually have time for each other. Long-distance relationships are hard, especially when nothing is going to change anytime soon, or even ever.
We blamed it on the fact that we see each other far too rarely, that as a result the romance, the affection and ultimately the feelings were gone. And certainly that was also a factor. And that's why distance is the official reason for the breakup, which Jed and I both made public on Instgram. But deep down I knew that this was not the whole truth. That Jed not only disappeared from my thoughts entirely at times due to the distance, but was almost driven away by another person. And this person was always present and I can never turn that off.
Thinking of her was a mixture of numerous feelings. Joy, pure happiness and then immediately anger and finally sadness because it could never be reciprocated again. Because I would never feel her closeness again. Because she would never be mine again. And that made me so sad some days that I had difficulty being near her, that I tried to withdraw with all my might and just be for myself and alone. So as not to reveal what was really going on inside me. So as not to show how I was really feeling. As always, I tried vehemently to hide my feelings. And as so often, I succeeded.
In the past, a long time ago, Perrie saw through me most of the time. Whenever I wanted to pull back, put on the mask and play strong, Perrie was there offering a shoulder to cry on. She held me when I needed to let myself go. She made me laugh when I wanted to cry. She loved me when I felt unloved. She calmed me down when the negative thoughts just got too much. She was there for me. No ifs, ands or buts. No questions asked.
But times change. Perrie has Alex now.
And no matter how hard I try to just accept this fact and how much I resolved to stop mourning the time when things were different, it didn't work. After breaking up with Jed, I didn't think about him for a second, I only thought about Perrie. At first it felt wrong. Like I was emotionally cheating on Jed before I realised that I had actually been doing that for the whole two years of the relationship without knowing it. Before I realised that we weren't even together anymore, that I could feel what I wanted without feeling guilty. And yet I did feel guilty. I was single, but Perrie was not. I was unhappy, but Perrie was happy. While I simply couldn't forget her and move on, Perrie already did.
As a result, I was determined once and for all to put those feelings aside and forget about Perrie. To only see her for what she ultimately is. My band member, my best friend. Nothing more, nothing less.
But this was easier said than done. Rather, it turned out to be impossible to simply turn off these feelings. And nothing was more frustrating than that. Desperate, I finally decided to withdraw completely. I backed away from Perrie every time she touched me, and later from the other girls, so as not to make it too noticeable. Whenever I felt the tears welling up, I turned away. Whenever Perrie stared at me, I looked the other way. At first, the other girls couldn't understand. How could they? But when I finally confessed that Jed and I were done for good, they understood and gave me the space I supposedly needed.
Even Perrie. Even though she actually knew me better, could read me like a book. Even though she knew exactly how to crack my hard shell. She didn't. She left me alone. She gave me my space. She didn't offer me a shoulder to cry on. She didn't hug me every spare minute. Nothing was the same and it never would be again. Those days are gone, which Perrie makes abundantly clear. And that only made me feel sadder. So sad that sometimes it seemed unbearable.
And so I'm very surprised that I haven't felt anything in the last few days. Nothing at all. No anger, no sadness. Just pure tiredness and exhaustion. As soon as we have a few minutes break, as soon as a sofa in the backstage room is in sight, as soon as we get into the car, I already close my eyes and immediately fall asleep. Hoping to finally wake up refreshed, to finally be the happy, fun, bright Jade again. But every time I woke up after a nap, I felt even worse and even weaker than before.
The girls blamed it on jet lag, to which I quickly agreed. It was a logical explanation because I have always been prone to jet lag, was always very tired after long flights and slept at every opportunity. But usually jet lag only lasted for two, maximum three, days - at least for me. We are now in our fifth day in Los Angeles and instead I am getting more tired with every hour.
Then I blamed it on how much we've had to work lately, how much was actually on the schedule. Right now we're in Los Angeles promoting the new single and album. Meet and greets, interviews, one gig after another and there was no end in sight. We also planned to shoot the music video for one of the songs on the new album here in Los Angeles, for which we also had rehearsals. Then it was back to London to sort out the details of the tour in America. Two weeks of vocal rehearsals and dance rehearsals and organising until it's time to get on a plane back to Los Angeles and do a little tour along the Pacific coast, which we all can't believe is happening. The mere thought of it actually sends us all into ecstasy.
But even this just left me cold in the last few days. After the Vancouver show, we have the Brit Awards coming up with a performance and two nominations before we tour the east coast and close the American leg of the tour in Atlanta. Then we return to London for the Global Awards. And after a short break, the European leg follows.
The schedule is so full that sometimes I can hardly breathe and almost panic at the mere thought of all the upcoming dates. But I love Little Mix. This is my life, I live and breathe Little Mix. The girls, the band, the life as a popstar, everything the band stands for. Never would anything change that, never would I put myself above the band. And that's why I don't have time for heartbreak, I don't have time to mourn a lost love and a non-existent love, I can't afford to suffer from jet lag longer than usual or to be tired all the time. I can't just let myself down and become numb. Everyone would notice. The girls, the management and worst of all: the fans. And I can't let the fans down, I never could. So I've finally got to pull myself together.
We've been up since four in the morning. And of course I'm completely exhausted, I can hardly keep my eyes open and can't stop yawning. In front of the camera I don't let it show, in interviews I nod along laughing with the others, even tell anecdotes here and there. I simply cover up the tiredness. But I don't know how long I can keep it up today. We have been on the road for eleven hours and there is still no end in sight.
As we get into the car to drive to the next studio, I immediately close my eyes.
"Is Jade already asleep?", I hear Jesy ask, but I am far too exhausted to join in the conversation in any way.
I notice Leigh-Anne come closer and stare at me for a few seconds before she says, "I think so."
"Should we be worried?", I hear Perrie whisper and for a very brief moment my heart warms up.
"I don't think so. Jet lag and the whole Jed thing...it's normal for her to be tired," Jesy replies calmly.
"You're probably right," Perrie says. "Just hope she hasn't caught something on top of that. We don't have time for that." And the warm feeling was gone again, whereupon I ignore further conversation and quickly fall asleep.
"Jade," I hear my name softly. But I barely notice it and don't react in the slightest.
"Babe, we're here," I hear Perrie's soft voice, feel her touch my arm and try to ignore the tingling sensation that immediately rises. But I simply cannot open my heavy eyes.
I hear noises, know exactly that the fans are waiting for us to get out of the car with genuine, happy smiles ready to sign autographs. But at that moment, exhaustion overcomes me so much that I can barely move. I can even feel tears starting to well up.
"Jade," Perrie says louder this time and I feel her hands on my cheeks, whereupon I almost forget to breathe. This is the closest we've been in a long time. With great difficulty, I finally open my eyes and look into Perrie's ocean-blue ones, staring at me with concern.
"We're here," she repeats, eyeing me closely. I just nod wearily, knowing full well that I couldn't form a word right now even if I tried. I am about to move towards the door when Perrie stops me. Confused, I look at her before she hands me my sunglasses.
"You look pretty beat up," she explains.
Without comment, I put the glasses on, take Perrie's offered hand, knowing full well that I'm rather wobbly on my feet at the moment, and let her pull me out of the car. As I see the fans waving energetically and hear them cheering, I swallow briefly and plaster my smile on my face, hoping to somehow get through this day.
When we finally get to the hotel room and I take a look in the mirror, I know what Perrie meant earlier. My skin is terribly pale, my dark circles are more obvious than ever, my forehead is a little sweaty. I just look sick. And come to think of it, I feel sick too, to which I panic again and have the hectic schedule in my head. I can't be sick, there's no time to be sick. So I take a deep breath and try to calm down. Nothing a little sleep can't fix. Glancing at my phone, I see that it's already eleven o'clock at night.
"What time do we have to get up tomorrow?", I ask quietly into the room.
"Four am," Leigh replies, just as excited as I am. I groan loudly and literally fall into bed, quickly feeling a hand on my back. We each have our own rooms, but we usually sleep together in one. Normally I always look forward to our little sleepover parties, but today I actually wished to be alone and just have my peace and quiet. And I know that I still have to take off my make-up, that I should probably take a shower or that I should at least change my clothes. But at this moment I just don't have the strength to move anymore.
"Jade?", I hear Perrie say softly.
"Huh?", I breathe barely audible.
"Aren't you at least going to put on your pyjamas?" she asks with a laugh.
I don't budge but whisper instead, "Too tired," and notice my eyes getting more heavy. But Perrie doesn't seem to want to accept it and suddenly grabs me by the arm to pull me up. A little harder than she planned, making me groan a little.
"Sorry, babe, but you're getting the whole bed dirty with your makeup," she explains, pulling me up and pushing me into the bathroom. I feel like a zombie, barely aware of my own movements as I try to wipe my makeup off as quickly as possible. I know I should take a shower, I know I would feel better afterwards. But I just can't bring myself to do it right now. So a few moments later I return to the room, my make-up mostly gone, and without comment I put on my pyjamas with rather shaky hands, not realising Perrie's worried look.
And without another word, I fall back into bed and this time fall asleep immediately without being disturbed, fervently hoping to wake up a little more refreshed.
Unfortunately, that hope was in vain. I must have been sleeping so soundly that I didn't even hear the alarm clock. Normally I am always the first to wake up and shake everyone else awake. Today Perrie of all people has to wake me.
"Jade, come on, you should have been up ten minutes ago, move your ass!" she says loudly and pulls the covers off me. As I slowly sit up, an unfamiliar dizziness immediately overcomes me, which I quickly try to blink away as I keep my eyes closed and take a deep breath.
"Jade, either you get up now or I'll pull you out of the bed myself!", Jesy yells at me then and I squint my eyes a little as a sudden headache hits me.
"I'm coming," I breathe barely audible and stand up like in slow motion because the mere movement makes me dizzy again.
Slowly I creep into the bathroom, just quickly brushing my teeth and washing my face, noticing that I have even less colour in my face than yesterday. And as much as I wanted to ignore this possibility, I realise at the mere sight of my face that I indeed got sick. But there is no time for that, I can't let a little cold ruin the whole schedule. So I put cold water on my face again before finally getting back to the room, quickly putting the sunglasses on my nose to hide the dark circles under my eyes.
So here it is. First chapter of a rather long story. Even if only one person reads this and actually likes it, it would mean the world to me if you'd let me now! :)