"Your teeth are like a flock of sheep
coming up from the washing.
Each has its twin,
not one of them is missing."
Song of Songs 6:6
Before I reached the halfway point on my mad trek to see Jason Helbert I began to have doubts. This wasn't as romantic as I had imagined when I devised the plan. Instead of a rom-com movie style bicycle ride where I effortlessly rode the 6 miles into town and ended up looking like Audrey Hepburn. I was about to have a heat stroke and looked gross, sweaty, and disheveled. I hadn't taken into account that no sidewalks were on the route from the house to the church. Most of the journey it was up steep hills. So I had to push my bike up gravel most of the way, coal trucks speed by and covered me in dust. What would Jason think when I showed up looking like a crazy person on a bike? He would probably think I was an insane stalker psycho. I thought about turning back but I couldn't stand the thought of not knowing if he would respond to my letter.
When I finally reached the church the parking lot was full of cars and service had already started. I stealthily crept through the hallway and into the bathroom, thankful that no one saw me. After I tamed my crazy fro a bit with water and used bathroom soap to clean up as best as I could, I snuck my way into the main sanctuary. I spotted Jason sitting in one of the pews near the front. As nonchalantly as possible I plopped beside him, feigning surprise at seeing him there. "Oh hey Jason, how's it going?" I whispered. "Good thanks." He smiled at me and I felt relief wash over me. He didn't appear freaked out by my appearance or weirder out by the five page letter I had written him.
When the sermon ended he shyly handed me a folded up piece of paper, "I wrote you back." I tried to act nonplussed; I didn't want to appear TOO eager to read it. What if the letter said that he just thought of us as friends? Jason walked me outside to the bus and chatted about his week. I told him that it was such a pretty day outside that I had ridden my bike to church. It was a lie and I felt guilty about it, but better a white lie than him thinking I was crazy. He didn't seem to think anything of it; probably because he had no clue that I lived so far away. It was dark outside and I didn't want to look like a weirdo riding my bike off into the night. So I let him help me load it into the back of the church van. I would just ask the driver to let me off below the house, so my family wouldn't know what I had done.
I waited until the church bus had pulled out of sight before opening the letter, maintaining my detached air. Jason's letter was extremely short, only a couple paragraphs long. His handwriting was so atrocious that it took me a few moments to make out what he said. My heart soared when I read the contents. He thanked me for writing him such a nice letter and said that he thought I seemed like a cool person. That he wanted to get to know me better. He gave me his phone number and told me to feel free to call him sometime so we could talk because he wasn't much of a writer. He apologized for having bad handwriting and for the letter being so short.
For the rest of the ride I was on cloud nine. No guy I ever had a crush on had ever responded favorably to my advances. My flirting style was as evolved as a nine year old boy; if I really liked someone then I would make fun of them. I would make wisecracks about them to their face or completely ignore them. Not only had Jason not been scared off but he wrote me back and wanted to get to know me better! This is what normal girls must feel like when guys showed interest in them. The bus dropped me off at the halfway point up the mountain. I was so excited I didn't even think about the fact that the bus then continued up the road and turned around in our driveway.
When I had finally huffed and puffed my way the rest of the way to the house I saw Mom sitting on the back porch. Ah oh. She didn't give me a chance to get into my whole spiel about how I had ridden further than expected and lost track of time. "Jacqui did you ride your bicycle to that church?" I was caught red handed. No way would I be able to lie my way out of a direct question like that, I was a horrible liar. "Yes." "What are you insane? Why would you do something like that?" I couldn't let them know that I had done it because of a boy; they would never let me live it down. I decided to play the religion card because it was true 99.999% of the time, this one rebellion just happened to be an anomaly for a different reason. "Because it's not right that you wouldn't let me go and be closer to God. What if I had received the baptism of the Holy spirit?" Mom knew good and well that I was obsessed with receiving the baptism and it really bothered me that I hadn't yet. I had written her letters begging her to let me go to church, terrified that I would miss my chance. "I can't believe you would do something that stupid. You can forget about that church for a while. You are grounded for an entire month, no TV, nothing after school, no church. You will only be allowed to go to school, work, and sit in your room."
I was heartbroken that I wouldn't be able to go to church; I had never been in such hot water before. I felt like a disobedient rebel, which was not something I enjoyed. What was wrong with me, I barely even knew Jason? It gave me solace that Jason wanted me to call him. I didn't know how I would manage calling him without doing it at home. Part of my punishment was that I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone. I told Hardee's that I wouldn't be able to come in early during my work release period because I had a meeting with a teacher.
Because I just started my senior year and had a job I was eligible for the work release program; which meant I was released from school during the last period to work. I used one of the days I was off for a few hours to call Jason. I walked to a pay phone in front of a local bank. I stared at Jason's number a long time before calling him. Sure he had given me his number and asked me to call him, but was it too forward as a girl to make the first phone call. Would that come off as really butch or feminist; both gross atrocities in my neighborhood. I eventually concluded that I didn't really have any other choice since I was grounded for the month.
I inserted a few coins and dialed the number, twisting the purity ring I always wore on my wedding finger nervously. When I heard the line pick up and "Hello" I asked "Is Jason Helbert home?" "This is Jason." His lovely deep voice sounded even deeper over the phone. "Oh hi this is Jacqui; you told me I should call you sometime." After Jason had pulled the landline phone into his bedroom so his Mother couldn't eavesdrop we talked until I ran out of change. It was easy to talk to Jason on the phone. It didn't feel force, awkward, or insincere like when I talked to Ronnie. It felt like we were old friends and could be ourselves. I told him that I wouldn't be able to see him for the next month because I was grounded, I didn't elaborate on why. We had a lovely relaxed conversation and at the end of it he asked me to call him back.
Over the next month I talked to Jason on the phone every chance I had to sneak to the pay phone. I used up my entire jar of loose change. I told him about my crazy family and he told me about his. His parents were still together; living on a farm in Castlewood. His Mom owned her own medical transcription business and his Dad was a mechanic and farmer. It was intimidating for me that both his parents had good respectable jobs, but Jason didn't seem to think any less of me when I explain how dysfunctional and poor my family was. Jason had graduated from high school last year, even though we had the same birthday the Kennedy triplets were graduating a year later because homeschooling had messed up our credits. He had started classes at South West community college for Computer Science and was looking for his first job. I told him if he applied at Hardee's I would give him a recommendation.
I lamented to Jason about how Sheree had graduated high school early, after taking advanced classes. I still had many wonderful friends at school but felt lonely while I was there. I was trying to convince Sheree and Tina to move in with me after I turned eighteen and could no longer live at home. His family life was the exact opposite of mine. I had a difficult time relating to him complaining about his parents; they paid for his car, his college, and he had never gone without anything. He had never had to work while in high school and was able to participate in band. His parents seemed really supportive of him in a way that I could only imagine. But Jason had a chip on his shoulder; I chalked it up to being an only child. He felt smothered by his parent's high expectations of him. But complaining about our parents gave us a common thread to talk about.
Early on in our phone conversations I explained to Jason that I didn't want to date anyone in the typical sense, but I would only "biblically court". I was an outspoken advocate for abstinence and vowed to remain a virgin and celibate until marriage. I rejected the idea of traditional style of dating because I felt like if a couple became physically involved with each other then they wouldn't get to know each other very well. They would spend most of the time making out or having sex and never learn to respect each other. If a couple could commit to not give in to fleshy desires then they could forge a strong relationship that would only be enhanced after they were married and the physical stuff came into play. From the relationships I had observed in my short lifetime I felt like sex was the root of all evil. If I could ever find a guy that respected me enough to be willing to not have any sexual contact until marriage; then we would have a strong relationship that probably wouldn't end in divorce.
Courtship had become popular among some groups of American Christians. Many books were written on the subject and I devoured them, especially "I kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. The basic premise of courtship was that you wouldn't have sex, hanky panky, or even kiss before marriage. Instead you would spend time with your significant other studying the bible and going on group dates. It was a bad idea to ever be alone with someone of the opposite gender. This approach sounded perfect for a prude like me. I was absolutely terrified of physical contact and such stringent rules would quickly weed out any guys who weren't really committed to a long term relationship that led to a wedding alter. Finding a guy who thought I was worth going along with such Victorian rules was a long shot; until I met Jason.
" Sex should only be used for procreation between married couples. If you aren't trying actively to get pregnant and bear fruit, then you have no business engaging in sexual activities." I would advise my teenage friends. More than anything I was scared of getting knocked up as a teenager,like my Mom and Grandmother. In the movies and books people acted like sex was a magnetic force that they couldn't help but copulating once they began kissing. I figured if I never crossed the threshold into kissing then I would be able to avoid the rest of It. From everything I had heard sex sounded like a dreadful experience. I often heard jokes told stories of lying there and just waiting for it to be over. Granny said she thought my courtship ideas sounded good. "Men look disgusting from the belly button down. Down there they are all dangly and hairy. Hell far all they want to do is chase you around with their tally whacker. Trust me Sissy, that sex business is bull puckey, not all it's cracked up to be. "Everyone else in the family mocked me and said I would always be a virgin or a lesbo so I didn't need to worry about courting.
After my month of confinement ended, one week before we turned eighteen, Jason asked me out on my first date to the Russell county fair. I was completely ecstatic but agonized about what to wear; should I dress fancy or casual. I ended up settling for a shiny red button up blouse, jeans, flip flops, and slicked my fro back in a pony tail. I was relieved when Jason showed up wearing his usual sneakers, cargo jeans, and gray t shirt. We began wondering around the tiny fair grounds; eating cotton candy, feeding animals at the petting zoo, and riding the Ferris wheel. We ran into his parents at the horse show and he briefly introduced me to them, obviously embarrassed and wanting to quickly get far away from them. I realized that Jason looked like his Mom but with his Dad's mustache. Jason's Mom told me that she remembered me from when Jason and I were in the same class. She remembers all three of us wearing matching yellow galoshes and raincoats.
The evening went by in a magical whirlwind; we talked like we were the only two people on the planet who spoke the same language. I had always been extremely intimidated by guys but with Jason I felt at ease, safe to be weird self. He was extremely geeky and not nearly as religious as I had been hoping for; but he was such a sweet person. He was a true gentleman, giving me his Castlewood Devil letter jacket when it became chilly after the sun went down. I was disappointed to realize that the fair was closing down and we would have to part ways; we had been talking nonstop for eight hours. Before Mom picked me up Jason took me to the most romantic spot at the fairgrounds, the water fountain in front of the farm building. "Jacqui I really think you are a wonderful person. I have never met anyone like you before. I was hoping that you would be my girlfriend, I want to court you."
I saw Jason the next day when he picked me up in his fancy car after school to go watch a movie. He drove a shiny new silver Pontiac Firebird. When I saw his car I realized he had no idea how poor my family was. There is no way he actually would want to keep courting me when he finds out we live off the government. He had probably never been hungry a single day in his life. Jason's parents owned a bunch of land, cows, and their house had been in the family for generations. The only land my family had ever owned were funeral plots, my Papaw was really proud of his little bit of dirt when he pre-purchased it.
I brought it up my economic concerns to Jason with the subtly of a bull in a china shop, "Your car is amazing; I have never been in anything like it! Your family must be really rich. I hope you don't mind slumming it with me. I had no clue that you were so loaded or I probably never would have talked to you." Jason laughed and said, "We aren't rich, my parents just want everyone to think we are. My Mom really wanted a Firebird when she was growing up so she made me get this one. It would make her happy to think she almost scared you off with this car. ""Why would that make her happy?" "She thinks you are just after our money. She said that you are probably dating me so you can get pregnant and live off of child support." Sheree burst out laughing from the backseat. I had invited her on our movie date as a chaperone to ensure we kept to the rules of our holy courtship. "Why would she say something like that, she doesn't even know me?" "She has seen you around the church and when she met you at the fair she didn't like how you were dressed. She said it wasn't appropriate for a date." "But you were wearing jeans and a t-shirt." "Jacqui I don't agree with her at all. I think you are amazing and I know you don't care anything about money. Don't worry about my Mom, she will get over it." If she thought so little of me already what would she think when she found out what white trash my family really was?
I had never owned a car, the struggle for the three of us triplets to get our drivers license was epic enough. We weren't allowed to practice driving in Mom's van because Mom and Carroll were afraid we would wreck it. They told us that if the three of us got our driver's licenses then their auto insurance would automatically quadruple. They constantly complained about having to pick us up from work, but did everything possible to sabotage us from getting our license. We tried to convince them that they longer they put off letting us drive then the more difficult it would be once we turned eighteen and had to move out. We came extremely close to not getting our license at all during a routine custody hearing.
Dad had subpoenaed us triplets to court for the umpteenth court hearing; he was requesting joint legal custody of us; retaliation for us no longer visiting him. When we got to the Wise Courthouse that day Mom was strung out, she had been in pain that morning and taken a mixture of pain pills. While meeting with our lawyer before court started the lawyer asked Mom what she would like to do. The there of us were shocked when Mom slurred out, "Just give Wade whatever he wants. I am tired of fighting with him." The lawyer seemed equally started that our usually feisty Mom had given in without a fight. She had a reputation around the courthouse for arguing about everything, even if she had no clue what she was arguing about. She had been threatened by several judges with contempt of court if she kept interrupting the proceedings. But here she was glassy eyed and with slurring words giving up legal custody of her kids without blinking.
The three of us went into damage control mode. Jenny said, "PLEASE don't listen to her, she is on pills and confused you can't listen to her. She doesn't know what she is saying." She took Mom gently by the shoulders and talked slowly to her. "Mom if you give Dad legal custody of us he will be able to get our grades, can have say over medical procedures, and not let us have driver's licenses. I know you are tired and this is awful, but you can't just quit after everything you have done already." Jessica cut in, "If you give him legal custody then the judge might think, well he has legal custody so he might as well have physical custody." Mom thought for a few minutes, it was obvious that she was really struggling to make sense of what we were telling her but the drugs in her system was making it impossible. Finally she slurred, "Whatever you girls want, I am just so tired of all of this." "I know Mom, we are too." I said. The lawyer actually listened to the three of us and Dad was again denied legal custody.
When we finally got out driver's license's we thought it would bring us freedom from the house; we would be able to do whatever we wanted. Jessica bought Carroll's old car with money she had saved up from working at Giovanni's and Hardee's. Jenni and I combined our money and bought a white 90's Dodge Spirit from a distant relative's car lot, under Jennifer's name. It ran for two weeks before the head gasket cracked and it was a paper weight. The car lot refused to take it back or give us our money back. We were forced to bum rides off of Jessica from work. Even though we had a car we weren't allowed to go anywhere with it except school, work, church, and on grocery runs for Mom. Getting permission to go to Wal-Mart, a thirty minute drive, was out of the question. We were confined to a six mile radius and had to be home before dark if we were not at work or church.
On our eighteenth birthday I met Jason for a special youth group service, a good old fashioned book burning. The youth group had gathered up CD's, books, t-shirts, and anything the teens owned that they felt was worldly and keeping them from spending more time with God. I didn't really have many "secular" belongings because I had given then up years before. But I did have one vice that I couldn't seem to shake, Harry Potter. I loved reading the books even though I knew they were frowned upon by the church. One day Jennifer wore a Harry Potter t'shirt to church, without thinking about it. Pastor Collinwood called both of us into his office and asked us if we read Harry Potter. " I read Harry Potter, they are really good books. I know people say that they promote witchcraft but I really don't think that is true. They don't promote it any more than The Wizard of Oz does."
Pastor leaned back in his chair and looked very serious. "I am really concerned about the spiritual impact that these books can have on you girls. I read an artical in The New York Times where they interview the author. She admited that she was a high ranking Wiccan and the whole goal of the book was to make witchcraft appealing for teenagers." I was completely floored and embaressed when Pastor said that. How could I have been so blind? Jennifer spoke up, "Do you have happen to have that article because I have never heard of J.K. Rowling saying anything remotely like that. Not that I think you are lying of anything. I am just really surprised." Pastor shuffled around a big pile of papers. " I have it around here somehwere, I will make you a copy it when I find it. But please be careful girls about opening yourselves up to such dark influences. You are both role models in the youth group and church and I would hate for something like Harry Potter to have a negative impact on your spiritual lives. " I had brought my previously prized copies of Harry Potter and an Evanescence CD to the book burning. I also gathered up a few of Jessica's smutty belongings from around our room without permission; Goo Goo Doll's CD, Romance novels, and some "skimpy" clothes.
Even though we had only been officially courting for a week Jason and I had spend almost every spare moment together. I wrote him long letters during my classes, pouring out my heart to him about how I wanted to travel the world as a youth pastor. We had a bible study together, reading 1 Corinthians chapter 7 out loud to each other. We found that we both loved playing chess, so played game after game together in the church sanctuary. After the service ended I walked with Jason to his car to give him his birthday present, a glass chess set. He opened his car door and positioned himself with the door between us, I noticed he was acting really nervous. "Jacqui this week has been really amazing. I didn't know it was possible to like someone as much as I like you. But I am scared that we are moving too fast." It dawned on me what was happening. "Wait a minute. Are you breaking up with me... on our birthday?" Jason cringed. "I am sorry but yes. I care about you too much." "You are breaking up with me because you like me TOO MUCH? Wow, that's not how I thought my first break up would go. Why are you behind the door?" " I don't want you to hit me."
Our storybook romance had lasted one week.