Austin's eyes are blue, that's what Holi focuses on as he pushes into her. It's easy to get lost in them and while she shakes and shudders at every soft touch and calculated thrust, it's his eyes she connects herself to in this moment. She has never met anyone with eyes like his. While his exterior and chosen words are mostly controlled, his eyes give him away. She has seen them go from a stormy grey to an icy blue, even a lovely blue that reminds her of a summer's day. Right now they are dark blue and she knows it's because they are laced with lust.
A poem she read once in a poetry book she stole from a book shop comes to mind and she can't stop the giggle that rises in her chest. Austin raises an eyebrow in question. "Blue, blue, your heart is true," she whispers. Austin stops, scrunches his nose then sits up in a kneel between her legs, "are we those people now? The ones who recite poetry and have a special song?" he asks, his tone playful.
Holi sits up, impaling herself on him as she sinks into a straddle on his lap, "what would be so bad about that? We could be those people," she says as she draws up and sinks back down slowly, watching as her motions make Austin's eyes an even darker blue, "you had a fancy education, recite me a poem," she says as she again pulls up and sinks down again.
Austin squeezes his eyes shut, trying to get his brain working beyond the pull and drag of Holi on top of him, "um...lemonade crunchy ice, hit them once then hit them twice. Hit them at the top and hit them at the bottom. Hit them in the middle and watch them drop," he says. Holi stops and stares at him with big eyes and an open mouth, "what the fuck was that?" she asks then throws her head back as her laugh ripples out.
Austin starts laughing too then flips them so he is back on top of her, "that, my baby, is a football chant and it's about as poetic as you are going to get me," he says between chuckles. Holi widens her legs and wraps them around his waist, pulling him in again, "I will take you any way you come," she says before her breath is punched out as Austin thrusts back into her and bites her neck playfully.
Somewhere between their laughing, Holi's skin starts tingling and she starts chasing her orgasm as Austin grins down at her. Her back arches when it hits and Austin's fingers dig into her hips, "there she is," he mumbles as he follows her over the edge. They are both sweaty and got but Austin makes it even worse as he collapses on top of her as he comes down from his high.
Holi can feel her eyes grow heavy with sleep and so she shuts them, content to dream with Austin still draped over her. But then he sits up and pulls her out of bed, "oh no, no. I need to feed and water you. You skipped lunch, you will not be doing the same with dinner."
Holi grumbles under her breath while she dresses then lets Austin pull her out of the room and down to the kitchen. Holi does not know her way around a kitchen, she has never cooked anything in her life - unless you count putting bread in a toaster or a pie in a gas station microwave. Austin on the other hand is irritatingly good at everything he puts his hand to so Holi is a little wary of what to expect now.
"Please tell me you are going to warm up food your chef made," she says as Austin pushes her into one of the kitchen chairs. Austin bites his bottom lip and gives her a shit-eating grin, "never. I am going to cook a meal...from scratch," he says and walks off to the fridge. "Of course you are. How do you even know how to cook?" Austin stops rummaging and pops his head back out of the fridge, "my mom, she is the best cook in the world," he says then goes back into the fridge.
Holi frowns - that sounds like an exaggeration, "really? The entire world? Billions of people and she is the best?" she challenges him. Austin comes out of the fridge with his arms full of food and a bag of string cheese in his mouth. He knocks the fridge door closed with his foot and trots over to Holi, dropping the bag of cheese in her lap, "eat that while I cook," he says then moves over to the counter and dumps the food in his hands.
"My mother is the best at everything. The best cook, the best bedtime storyteller, the best hug giver, the best kind word speaker, and the best homemaker...she is the best mother," he says as he starts to fiddle around with what looks like a bunch of vegetables. Holi would be offended by his words, a little jealous actually but she is not. Simply put - Holi does not have a mother, she disowned her and finally managed to sever that trauma bond the day she shoved Janet out Chuck's door. So in fairness, Austin is very right - his mother is probably the best mother in the world.
She opens the bag of cheese and starts pulling it apart and shoving the torn bits into her mouth. It not only gets her to eat but she is enjoying pulling it apart and she is rather focused on her activity of trying to pull off the best-unbroken cheese string. She is so engrossed that she does not notice Austin has stopped fussing over his vegetables and is walking back toward her.
She only realizes when his face is in her face. "Wow! Fuck, Austin...warn a girl," she says while steadying her breathing. "Sorry," he says taking a bite of her cheese and ruining her almost perfect tear, she is slightly annoyed. "You are the best mother too, I never thought I would meet a woman who could compare to my mother. But you...you give her a run for her money," he says and stands up again.
Holi rolls her eyes and clicks her tongue, Austins face twitches when she clicks her tongue. "I bet there is a lot your mother can teach me about mothering, Austin," she shoots back. Austin nods but shoots back just as fast, "and I bet there is a lot you can teach her." He turns back to continue his fussing over the food and Holi watches his back for a second. It's no secret that Austin thinks highly of his parents and even higher of his mom alone, it scares her a little that he would hold her in such high regard too. She has big expectations to full then.
"Oh and Holiday," he says looking at her over his shoulder, "do not click your tongue at me again...I don't like that." Holi shoves the rest of the cheese in her mouth to prevent any accidental tongue clicking.
Turns out that Austin is not only an ace at making pancakes but he is a whiz at whipping up a healthy dinner too and if the way Holi is shoveling down his meal is anything to by - Austin's mother really is the best cook in the world and she has taught him well.
"So, your parents...you guys are close and Texas is a thing. Then there is Mac and Bell...and..." Holi trails off, probably for the best because she is just spewing words. She does not even know why she is bringing them up. That's a lie. She knows why - she wants to meet them but Austin has never suggested a meeting so she does not know what line she is crossing. Austin is watching her with a stupid grin on his face, it makes her nervous so against her better judgment she starts rambling again, "will they not be freaked out about Mac and Bell? What if your mom...what if she hates us? What if your dad...do they even know? Shit. They will definitely think I am going to rob you or something," she practically crows.
"Well you did steal and sell my watch, so they would have a good argument," Austin chuckles out. "Austin stop that? Don't be a dick," Holi throws an empty cheese wrapper at him. It gets caught in the air and flutters to his feet. Austin places his elbows on the table and leans over, "I have something to tell you," he wriggles his eyebrows.
"Tell me."
"Mac and Bell have already met my parents...they are with them right now."
Holi feels like her legs have turned to jelly, her chest burns, and a lump immediately forms in her throat. They must have been that lovely couple at the school that day. The couple that oozed family and made Bell and Mac finally feel accepted - finally happy. But they must think the worst of her, abandoning her kids, skipping out on their son, and becoming a drug addict. How could they not loath her?
Austin loves and respects his parents, their opinion is important to him. Holi will now never have the chance to get them to see her and not this pathetic excuse of a woman. This failure, this washout of a wannabe mother. Holi tries to swallow the lump in her throat but it's wedged in there pretty tight and the way her legs feel she knows she has shit chance of walking out of the kitchen. So she does what any sane woman in her position would do. She slowly slides off her chair as Austin watches her with a confused face.
She eventually lands in a heap on the floor under the kitchen table and then lets her tears fall. Austin is quick to get off his chair and go down on his haunches in front of her, "a bit of a drastic reaction, but ok. They are safe with my parents, baby. I would not trust the kids with anyone else," he tries to soothe her. "It's not that," she says then buries her face in her hands. She feels Austin's hands clasping her upper arms and then pulling her onto his lap,"explain it to me then," he says into her ear.
Holi wipes her face and tries to gather herself as best she can, it does not work well so she talks in hiccups, "I just can't catch a fucking break. Your parents must think I am terrible. I don't stand a chance with them. I would not blame your mother if she slapped me when she does finally meet me," a fresh batch of tears stops her from continuing and she buries her head in Austin's chest.
Austin lets her cry for a bit while rubbing her back, but the sweeter and more patient he is - the harder she cries. She suspects she is now no longer crying just about Austin's parents but about everything. She is crying because she can't actually say for sure that her mother is dead or alive, she is crying because she does not even know where her dad is. She is crying because even though she has tried so hard with her siblings she has still managed to let them down. There are tears for every night she slept in a tent, for every dry piece of bread she has eaten. There are tears for every fucked up and violent scenario she has found herself in without even trying. There are tears for Ren and Doris too.
Life is so fucking unfair and now that she had one thing that she could have tried to have some control over, make them love her before they see and judge her for her screwed-up past...that gets taken away from her too. It has to be at least an hour that Austin has let her cry, the front of his shirt is wet but his hand continues to rub her back softly, "they hate me, I just know it," she whispers out once she has finally calmed down enough to speak.
Austin pulls her face out of his chest and makes her look at him. His eyes are that dark stormy gray, "now, you stop that shit. My parents are not like that...besides, Mac and Bell have them wrapped around their fingers already. My mother asks me every day how you are and follows up her question with a reminder to be patient with you. There is no judgment, no hate...they have not met you yet, Holiday but they love you and that is just the way it is."
Holi finds it hard to believe his words, but he says them with such surety that they have to be true. She hopes they are true because she is tired. Tired of surviving and proving herself. She just wants to live. "How much do they know?" she squeaks out. Austin brushes some unruly hair from her face, "everything, bar what we do between the sheets." Holi is grateful for that, no family should be that close. But still, if they know everything then they have to hate her. Her skeptical face is not missed by Austin so he gives her an explanation.
"The day you disappeared from the court I phoned my mum. I needed people I trusted to look after the kids while I hunted for you. I told her I needed them so without question they got down to LA as fast as they could. Once down, I told them everything that had happened then they jumped into parent mode and did what needed to be done...and they have done so with a smile on their faces."
Well, that is insane. One phone call from their son with no information other than him saying they he needed them and they drop everything for him. Who does that? Holi can't wrap her head around it. That is not normal. As if Austin can read her mind, a smile creeps onto his face and he pulls her a little closer, "that's what families do Holi. That's what parents do for their children. That's what you would do for Mac and Bell...that's what I would do for Mac and Bell," he says. Holi nods, that's true - she would drop everything in a heartbeat for her kids, in less than a heartbeat.
"Holi," Austin says and her eyes snap to his again because of the shake in his voice. His eyes are blue again. "I have watched my parents fall hopelessly in love with your children...with... with my children. I will never let any of you go."
Holi is done. She can't. She lost all composure the second she decided to slide down her chair and onto the floor, but right now - she is done. Austin can not say things like that and not expect her heart to skip. She stands and takes Austin's hand pulling him back to the bedroom. "Holi, answer me," he says as she practically power walks. "Oh, I am...I am going to show you," she says leading him into the bedroom and closing the door.
And tonight - well, tonight is just for them.
The next morning Holi is woken by Austin's ringing phone. She knows it's Mac and Bell calling. She wants to talk to them and practically vibrates with excitement next to Austin as he answers the phone. Both Mac and Bell are lively on the phone and speak to Austin at the same time, wanting to tell them all their plans for their day even though Holi is sure they told him on his call yesterday. but as they talk and hearing how happy and normal their lives are Holi starts to get nervous and doubt suddenly stabs at her chest when they start asking about her. Austin shifts his eyes to her quickly but she shakes her head.
Austin's face falls a little but he is quick to continue their conversation so as not to worry them. Holi can't be around it anymore, so she slips out of the bed and goes into the bathroom to shower. On her way to the shower, she finds a box of chocolates so she grabs them and chooses to sit on the cabinet next to the bathroom sink and devour the box.
She is halfway through the box when Austin walks in. He does not look angry or even disappointed. But Holi knows he is trying to work out why she is avoiding a conversation with Mac and Bell when he knows good and well that they are her number one priority. He walks over to her and takes a chocolate from the box then leans against the wall opposite Holi.
He looks handsome with his feet crossed casually at the ankle and one hand shoved in his pocket while the other is holding the chocolate. He does not say anything, just watches her as he bites a piece off his chocolate and chews it slowly. She knows he is just waiting for her, just giving her time to talk and after a while she does.
"I am scared. I am scared I make them promises and then this dull thumping need that is constant in the very pit of my stomach gets too loud and I turn into my mother. I don't want that for them...I...I don't want them to experience that type of pain."
"You are not your mother."
"But I am. It's fate. I have tried my whole life not to follow in her footsteps. But just look...a drugged-out let down."
"You are not your mother."
"But this need won't go away. It's always there...just...thumbing away."
"Can you name one choice you made that mirrored your mother's choices? Just one."
Easy. Holi rolls her eyes and goes to answer his question. But instead she fishmouths - she can't think of anything. Her mother and her have never made the same choice. If Holi is being honest with herself their choices have been polar opposites. Even if she has failed Mac and Bell she still tried to be the best she could for them.
That's what sets her apart from her mother. She tried, she always tried...her mother never did.
Austin cocks his head and raises his eyebrows expectantly. Holi knows he already knows the answer, but he is going to politely force her to answer him. He has a point to prove it seems. "There are none," she says softly. Austin turns his head and points to his ear, "sorry, baby, I don't think I caught that. What did you say?"
Holi almost clicks her tongue at him but catches herself. He is being ridiculous now. "I said. There are none," she rolls her eyes for good measure. Austin pushes off the wall and comes over to her, pushing her legs open and standing between them. "And why is that?" he asks. Holi turns her head away from him but he hooks her chin and pulls her face back to him. His eyes are now cerulean and she knows it's because he is feeling smug at his victory. The bastard. She knows he will not let this conversation end without her answering him though.
"Because I am not her," she mumbles out. "That's right. You are not her. I don't want to hear you compare yourself to her ever again. Understand?" His instruction is clear and his tone tells Holi it's not up for debate so she nods. "Also, this self-depreciation...it ends now too. I have had enough of it. You are good Holi. In all the pockets of your life, you are good. Doubt yourself again and there will be hell to pay."
Holi wants to protest, stamp her foot and sulk like a petulant child. Maybe even tell him off for chastising her like a toddler. But the man is not wrong, it might take her some time to feel like she is good enough for her kids and Austin but she is done with this disillusionment in her head. That part of her belongs on her mother's shoulders and so that is where she is going to place it. "If I say yes do I get a kiss?" Austin laughs at her weak attempt at negotiating. "Yes you can get a kiss then," he says.
Holi throws her arms around his neck and pulls him in close, connecting their lips then pulls back quickly, "on second thought let's shave that beard rather and I will kiss you after," she says. Austin gasps and pulls back a little. He is offended. "Don't you like my beard?" he asks looking at himself in the mirror behind Holi.
"Kind of...but I am not sure," she answers eventually. She does not hate it but she does not love it either. She runs her fingers through it, it's soft and she has to admit it's kind of comforting. "The beard stays, baby. But you can trim it if you like," is the option he gives her. Holi smiles, she can live with that.
Austin takes her smile as a yes. He steps away from the counter and walks over to a large cupboard. He opens it and pulls out a towel and an electric trimmer then steps back between her legs, drapes the towel over her lap, and hands her the trimmer.
"Don't fuck around," he says leaning his hands on either side of her and offering her his chin. "How about you trust me," Holi says and turns on the trimmer. She glides it over his beard making sure to the careful. As she starts working around his mouth she can see he is trying to control a smile from breaking on his lips.
Her eyes flick up to his and yes, he is definitely trying not to bust out in joy. "What is wrong with you?" she asks and turns off the trimmer. Austin shrugs and squeezes her hips with his big hands, it makes her belly flip flop. "This is very domestic...very wifey," he says eventually.
Oh shit.
"Oh please don't start that shit," she says. She turns the trimmer back on and goes to finish him off but he stops her by wrapping those dexterous fingers of his around her wrist and holding the trimmer away from his face.
"Why? Why don't you want to have a conversation like that?"
"Because you have more important things to worry about."
"Like what?"
"Well, your career for starters."
Austin huff's out a laugh and releases Holi's hand but she lets it drop into her lap rather and continues to stare him down. She is worried about his career, she does not want to be a reason it is flushed away. "Don't worry about that, Holi. My career is fine. Ren has my back."
Holi is not completely convinced but she has no other choice but to believe him. He knows what he is doing and he always seems to come out on top so Holi gives him a curt nod and raises the trimmers again. But Austin moves his head back a bit and Holi stills.
"I will let the wifey conversation go for now. But we will have it...sooner rather than later," he says then offers his face to her without waiting for her reply. She starts trimming his beard again. Her mind is in a bit of a swirl though. She likes that Austin knows what he wants in life and has the backbone and balls to not only voice but insist on it is, for a lack of a better word, hot. In fairness, a confident lacking, shakey kneed, spinless man is nothing short of annoying. No thank you.
But Holi is just as vocal and instant as Austin. She will 'obey' him...but only when she wants to. Marriage is something she just does not want. She finishes trimming his beard and then turns the trimmer off. "You said...that your love for me was not dependant on anything...that it just is," she starts slowly. Austin narrows his eyes but nods at her words. "Well, I don't want to get married," Austin opens his mouth but Holi cuts him off, "no, no and...no again."
"Holiday," Austin warns with pinched eyebrows. But Holi is not having it. She does not want to get married and she should not have to just because it's a social norm - a stupid social norm. "My answer is no, not now...not ever. And if you spout off shit about stability and looking after me, remember there are laws and papers we can sign to ensure that."
Austin's eyes are in thin slits and he is pouting. He keeps his scrutinized glare on her for ages before he eventually lets out a resigned sigh.
"Fine."
"Sorry? Could you say that again? I didn't quite hear you."
"Don't push it, Holiday," Austin says as he takes the trimmer and pushes away from the counter. He is pissed off, but Holi knows he will not push her any further and as hard as it is for him - he will accept her choice. He may be dominant but he isn't a jerk. Nonetheless, she hates disappointing him.
She gathers up the towel on her lap carefully and discards it in the wash hamper then steps up behind Austin and pushes her face in between his shoulder blades and snakes her arms around his waist, "I am sorry," she whispers and kisses him on his spine.
Austin stiffens at her words and without warning reaches behind and pulls her to his front then pushes her up against the closed cupboard door, "don't apologize. I accept your choice," he says and kisses her. Holi laughs into the kiss as does Austin. "I think I will talk to Mac and Bell when they phone again," she says when they break away. Austin grins and turns on the shower giving her a wink as he peels his clothes off.
By the time midday rolls around they decide to have lunch out on the patio and Holi feels a little ill and annoyed at the dull thud in the pit of her stomach that just will not fucking go away. It's manageable, just fucking annoying. It caught her off guard yesterday and she is determined not to let it get away from her today.
The sound of the bedroom door being opened has both Holi and Austin turning around. It's the doctor and he offers them a soft smile as he walks out to the patio to join them. Then the bedroom door opens again and Holi sees it's Ren when she peeps over her shoulder. He makes his way to them, kissing Holi on her temple as he sits down, "looking good girl," he says with a grin as he leans back into his chair.
"So, Holiday -"
"Don't call me that."
The doctor frowns and looks down at the paper in front of him then back at Holi confused, "sorry, is that not your name?" Holi rolls her eyes and sits up a little straighter. "It is my name, but I go by Holi. Unless Austin is being clever," she says. Austin snorts and then hides his chuckle behind his hand so Holi clicks her tongue at him then avoids his glare and focuses on the doctor. She knows she will pay for that later.
"Ok then, Holi. Tell me how you feel," the doctor says as he holds his pen at the ready to take down her words. Holi takes a shaky breath in, "well, physically my body is painful but I have been through worse so I can manage and I will be just fine...but mentally," Holi stops herself. She hates talking about this stuff, it makes her feel weak.
"But mentally," she forces herself to continue, "I feel a little fucked up," she stops again, not sure if she can trust the doctor. But then she feels Austin slide his hand over her thigh and then lace his fingers with hers. She starts again, "there is this thing...it sits in my stomach. It's like a dull thumping. It gets louder as the day wears on, it's annoying and frustrating. It...scares me."
The doctor nods like he knows what she means, she doubts he does. He looks like one of these rich doctors who went to a rich school and only has his first girlfriend at 25 but lost her to his work. She suspects he only knows what he has read in his medical books. "That's completely normal for this...situation. Over time that need, well craving, will vanish," he says matter of factly.
"Don't lie to her."
Both the doctor and Holi snap their heads to where Ren is sitting. Holi can see he does not look impressed by the doctor's words. The doctor opens his mouth to say something but Holi holds up her hand to stop him. He may have spent years studying but it's Ren's words she wants to hear. "Tell me, Ren. And don't sugar coat it."
"It should scare you. That dull thumping. There will be nights and days it will consume your thoughts...for years to come. You will crave, you will consider, hell - there will be times you may even beg. It will never go away...you just learn to live with it."
"How do I not lose my fight against it?"
"You hold on tightly and never take your sights off your reason...reasons for fighting."
Holi's heart drops a little. She wishes she had a magical elixir to make the thumping vanish. But all she has is her reasons not to let the thumping control her and that's enough for her. Mac, Bell, and Austin - they are enough of a reason, more than enough.
"Don't let your guard down, Holi. But if I can do it you as sure as fuck can," Ren says finally. Holi smiles, she can and she will. There is simply no other option.
"Ok then. Well, you seem pretty good. I can keep you on medication but all it does is makes you sleep through your craving. If you feel you can manage without it, it's probably best you don't take it," the doctor continues with his conversation.
"No, I don't need it," Holi responds and the doctor starts scribbling on his paper. Austin sits up a little and squeezes her hand, "Holi," he says softly. When she turns her head to look at him his face is worried. If it had been anyone else she might have been offended at the thought of them not thinking she could go without the medication. But Austin saw her when she was not even able to see herself. He saw her at her most desperate. Groveling between every dry heave for one more hit as she lay shaking in his arms.
She brings his hand to her lips and kisses it. "It will be ok. I promise...I have my reasons and I will never lose sight," she kisses the back of his hand again. Austin schools the worry on his face slightly and gives her a soft smile. "Ok, I would like to do some tests on you and other medical jargon that is important but I don't think you care to hear about," the doctor says and stands up.
Holi stands and follows him back to the bed where he makes her lie down. She lets him fiddle around while watching Austin and Ren now huddled close together and talking in hushed tones like they are planning something.
They are suspicious...very suspicious.