Kinn's POV
"I never had anything and never thought about it but now, I'm starting to think..." I stood leaning against the window sill in my office before lighting the third cigarette after coming home from university.
I sighed incessantly. In myhead, Porsche's words kept repeating like a loose tape. The event that just happened had me stunned until now.
I was so shocked that I didn't know what to do after all this.
"My friend's life is now lost because of me."
"Why Pete?"Arm asked in a hushed tone.
"Huh, I want to slap myself. I am stupid, it all happened because of my stupidity."Pete stood there, head bowed down low and looked like death.
"Fuck, Pete shut up!"I yelled at him as I blew the smoke from my cigarette. I feel like everything around me now is annoying and causing a disturbance in my thoughts.
"How is he?"
Arm asked again silently.
"Huh, Porsche I'm sorry."Pete murmured, calling out the name of that single person who made me lose my sanity.
It's hard to believe that every action that he takes, affects my life so much especially my mental state.
"Tell me about him, I want to know!" Arm asks Pete once again and I stand in silence.
I open the window and my eyes stretch to look out into the horizon.
"It was two days ago when I secretly followed Mr. Vegas. I saw him with Porsche at the mall. They seem to have eaten dinner then when they're done, I took a picture to tease Porsche but I accidentally sent it to Mr.Kinn instead. Ahh! I'm so stupid!"
"Then why didn't you delete the message or cancel the send?"
"I-I don't know how.""
Ugh, you're really stupid."I heard my two subordinates talk clearly. No matter how much they lowered their voices, I could still hear them.
[T/N: Pete vs Technology 🤦♀😂]
Everything was just as Pete said. I had him follow Vegas and look at his everyday schedule for suspicious activities. But what I got instead was a good shot that had me driving to Tem's place in no time. The scene of Vegas riding the bike while Porsche rides behind him made my blood boil.
I am so confused with my emotions right now. I felt sore. It hurts to see him smile, to see them laugh together. Moreover, when he acted intimately and snuggled to Vegas like that, it caused me so much pain that I couldn't even describe it in words.
The sight made me want to grab Porsche and pull him back into my arms. But what happened was completely my fault. I chose to distance myself from him. I spent so much time on myself that I forgot to think about how Porsche would feel.
What a stupid thing to do. I fucked up trying to find answers but have forgotten how much he would get hurt from my actions. If I could turn back time, I won't make him feel sad or cry like today.
Porsche must have endured so much already. I don't deserve to be forgiven.Today, when he sought answers and clarity from me, I wasn't in my right mind to answer. I was so surprised by his sudden outburst of emotions that I got stunned and unable to open my mouth for an answer, which ruined everything.
I couldn't answer him right away because of the thoughts that ran across my mind. I couldn't bear to see Porsche in that state. Besides, confessing my true feelings wouldn't guarantee that he won't be in that same state weeks or months later.
I hated myself for causing so much pain to him. The only person that I worked so hard to open up to me, that same person I wanted to be on my side right now was gone because of my foolishness.
I don't know if he ever wanted to hear my answers anymore. I don't know if my answers would still be meaningful or not. Slowly, ever slowly... I realized how stupid I am.
"Pete, is there anything you need to report?"I threw the cigarette butt into the glass jar and turned to ask my substitute guard who looked like he was carrying the world.
Recently, I asked him and Arm to be with me instead of my guards, something is happening behind my back and I couldn't trust my people.
"Yes."Pete answers and straightens nervously.
He turns to pick up a small note bookand begins to read what he wrote in it. He takes out a deep breath, like as tudent presenting an assignment in front of the class. He looked straight atme and started to speak.
"Monday morning the thirteenth, Mr. Vegas left the house early andheaded straight to the university because it's the morning of the event.But on the way, Mr. Vegas stopped by the avenue and walked to Starbucks, ordered a hot Americano and one cookie. It's the same as every day. But some days when he would wake up late, he would immediately rush to the university. Today, there must have been enough time before getting in his car, Mr. Vegas saw the dog. He walked to the pork shop next door and bought one to feed the dog and he kissed it on the head before getting into the car heading to the university again. Mr.Vegas parked the car in front of Building C, Un accompanied, took thecoffee mug and cookie bag out to the trash bin near the parking lot. After a while, Mr. Vegas picked up someone's call with an enthusiastic expression on his face and hurriedly walked towards the market (foodcourt) on the other side of the university. And that's it, Mr. Vegas walked up to Porsche, standing and talking with Ai Tem and Ai Jom.The four of them greeted each other in the morning. Porsche looked normally calm while Mr. Vegas looked enthusiastic. Then the four of them walked together to buy food which Mr. Vegas paid for everything. Porsche did not deny his treat and even looked satisfied with it, and at that moment the table was found..."
"Wait a minute, are you following him in such detail?"I hurriedly object to Pete in dissatisfaction, Pete's face immediately drops.
"Well, Mr. Kinn asked me to follow his every step,"Pete said humming and his eyes closed slowly.
"I don't want to know if he was kind enough to feed the dog, feed people,or save the world by throwing the trash away." I said in a low tone. During this time, my emotions are on edge, I get easily annoyed, frustrated and everything around me seems to bring my blood to boil.
"Go on.. you don't need to be that detailed."Arm murmured and nudged at Pete.
"Y-yes...after Mr. Vegas walked with the drinks that spilled intoPorsche's shirt, they walked towards the bathroom..."
"What? Drinks got spilled on Porsche's shirt?" I asked just to be sure that my ears are not hearing things. I remembered the events this morning. I was in the bathroom to pee but I saw Vegas and Porsche in a state that my mind couldn't even process.
"Yeah. It's a soft drink, Porsche and Mr. Vegas hurried to thebathroom, after that ugh.. they had an affair with you Mr. Kinn and Time has to come and stop you."I wave my hand for Pete to hurry up and finish the report. I feel stupid for being angry at nothing.
Porsche was right, I never listened to him. It only shows that whatever he said was true. I didn't listen to him, instead, I yelled and scolded him like this every time until today.
"Mr. Vegas split up with Porsche and watched sports with his friends.No abnormal activities were found until the afternoon that he went to thegym to watch Porsche's competition... Then ugh, there was another issue with Mr. Kinn and Mr. Vegas, then he took Porsche to Ai Tem's building then got home."Pete closes the notebook and turns to look at me with fear.
"He just dropped Porsche? Didn't go up to his friend's room?"
"Yes, he stayed in the garage.""So..." I said silently, my head clears a bit.
Porsche must have a lot in his mind right now because everything that he said was true. He never thought of having anything with Vegas. Should I believe his words now? How could I not believe his words up until now? And if I do,how could I tell him? How could I explain that I don't believe even my feelings?
"Mr. Kinn... ugh, can I say something?"Pete said hesitantly.
I looked at him but remained silent.
"A person like Porsche is someone you could trust. No matter how stubborn he could get, I know that he would remain loyal and trustworthy especially if he had given his heart to someone, trust me... he could never hurt that person."I choked on Pete's words because what I am doing seemed skeptical that Porsche could betray me. But it wasn't really the case.
"I didn't say that Porsche did it.."I said flatly. Even though I said that I don't suspect him of anything, my actions say it all. I sigh deeply thinking of the events that have been happening until now.
It was a big deal and it's causing a lot of stress to me. It's an embarrassment that it happened under my watch. Now, besides the matters of my heart being confused, I also have to handlethe business matters that have been fucking with my head. It had me frustrated that I failed to deal with the problem properly.
The confidential documents about purchase orders, expenses, and income went missing. And what amazed me was that the second family knew all about the confidential transactions, they stole information as well as our longtime customers. We are thinking that someone inside was doing the dirty deed and giving it to the second family.
And the main suspect is the one closest to the second family, Porsche. But I don't believe he can do it. I will never believe such an atrocity.
"What about Big? What does he do all day?" I ask Arm. I asked him to follow Big because I was suspecting him for sometime now. He might have something to do with this, right? I am not sure because I couldn't find evidence. It was purely on instincts.
"Today, he played games, stayed at home all day but there were many phone calls received. He hurried into a room to talk secretly. He locked the door so I didn't hear what he was talking about."Arm looks like he was suspicious of something as well.
Because of this, I can't trust any of my guards that have been working under Big. At this time, I noticed Big and some of his subordinates went missing in the middle of the night and I was shocked the first time I knew about it. It's not a surprise for Vegas to hire some people to get under my skin and sabotage the company. It has happened for quite some time now but oddly enough, Vegas has never left any evidence to get caught.
He's very good at this game. My people are used to giving out information to the other side and they weren't afraid to get caught.
"They did go out together.."
"Even though it's hard to believe Mr. Kinn because right now Porsche is close to Mr. Vegas, he cannot do such a thing. Please believe me."Pete said confidently.
I don't think it's Porsche. But just like what Pete has said, it's hard to conclude at the moment. I let them out of the room before throwing myself down the long sofa. There are a lot of things running in my mind and I'm not sure which to deal with first.
My heart problems or the company's turmoil?Like I have said, it's never in my belief that the leak was because of Porsche.I always warned him not to get too close with Vegas because of this scenario. Both my father and Khun Chan called me to talk about the problem of having a leech inside the main house. They certainly saw Vegas and Porsche's closeness and whatever I say about trusting Porsche, I cannot control how others might think about him and it pains me to be helpless in this matter.
All this time, I started to realize that besides the fact that I didn't want Porsche to get involved with Vegas. It wasn't just that I didn't want anyone to look at him badly, but I flinched every time Vegas came near him. I get annoyed and jealousy eats me alive.
The feelings became clearer now. The scene today helped me realize everything. The person that was beside Porsche wasn't me, it was Vegas and I'm dying just by seeing them together.What could I do? It was my fault that everything got complicated. I kept my distance from him but I don't want him totally out of my life. I just need sometime.
I need to step back and see out of the box. I wanted to be sure that I didn't want him just to forget about Tawan. I don't want to use him, then hurt him afterward. I was so engrossed with my thoughts that I have forgotten about his feelings.
The pain I caused made him confess his feelings for me. I should be happy right? But when I wanted to apologize and express my true feelings, my brain stopped functioning altogether. I was so shocked because I never thought I would cause Porsche that much pain.
He never showed, nor gave hints about his feelings for me, so I have no idea. It all happened because of me. I am the one to be blamed. That day when he saw me with Marsh, nothing really happened. Although I was almost at the moment where I wanted to use just anyone to have my emotions settled.
I wanted to forget the turmoil inside me, and I need to be sure about my feelings. I don't want Tawan back. I don't want casual sex. The events that night made me certain that I don't want anyone else. I only need Porsche. Though Marsh was in front of me, and even when I tried to imagine the past with Tawan, Porsche's image overthrew them both.
Porsche...Being a person who was afraid to love again, I wasn't brave enough to admit my true feelings. I'm not sure if I could handle the pain from the past happening all over again. It's so hard to accept the fact that I have fallen to love someone truly and deeply like this.
The scene earlier was complete torture. How ironic that the day I admit how much I love him, it was too late. The feelings are now buried with old scars in my heart...It hurts, even more, knowing that I realized too late.
I pour the liquor into the glass then sit to drink for a while. I want to forget everything even for a minute. My mind is full of Porsche, how to get him back and lessen his anger.
It's frustrating as fuck. I want to vent this feeling of pain, depression, and annoyance altogether. As soon as I saw him go with Vegas, I couldn't control my emotions. I wanted to kill someone. I'm sorry...I'm sorry for not believing in you. I'm sorry for hurting you...Porsche.I hate myself for letting stupidity take over my mind. I wanted to find reasons, wanted to make things clear until I hurt him unintentionally. I shouldn't have called Marsh. I shouldn't have let myself drown in the past. I should have believed myself when I felt that I didn't want anyone else beside me. I should've known for a long time that I couldn't live without him.
He affects every aspect of my mood and feelings. I should've known this sooner. But instead, I did stupid decisions. I made a mistake and I am ready to face the consequences. He could get mad at me as much as he wants. But could he not leave me? Could he not have sex with anyone else? Just the thought of it kills me inside.
Ring..ring...
I furrow my brows as I drink a glassful of wine before taking the phone that is placed beside me and sees who is calling me at this time of the night. 'Phi Tawan' On the screen appeared the name of one person that I hated so much and has hurt me to the core enough to never let anyone in again.
The painful past keeps on coming back to hurt me again and again. Until now, I have to lose myself and the person I love because of this stupid recollection of past events. I squeeze my phone tightly in anger.
I am angry at myself for being selfish. I only think about my feelings and am angry at Tawan for coming back. It hurts to let those memories come back and cause havoc to my present that is actually going well.
I throw my phone against the wall in anger. Tired of everything that happens in my life. How long have I let one person hurt me? Why can't I just let him go? I like myself when I am with Porsche.
I became crazy about him especially when he frowned in annoyance. I am not sure when I liked him this much but he affected me so much that I felt like I wanted him with me all the time because when we are together, I forget that I am the mafia's second son. I am not the poker-faced Kinn.
I am not the business-minded Kinn. Not the Kinn who could handle all the problems.With him, I became just a normal guy who lives his life from day to day. I never imagined myself liking him this much but I want that happy and contented look in his eyes every time he sees me go crazy over him.
When I was with Phi Tawan, I was happy and able to be myself as well but there's a thin line separating us due to the social status involved. The fact that he was dating me because I was worthy of the son of a big business man like him, made me feel like an idiot.
When meeting with friends or meeting each other's high society family, we must always carry perfection. It was really different from Porsche who was a normal person, acts simple,and lives a simple life. I
knew he wanted me just because he liked me. Plain and simple. Just being together, everything didn't matter. The status, position, and societyare nothing. When I said I don't care, he didn't care as well, even looks from the people around us. Now he has changed, I really hurt him. I ruined everything because of my past and my pride.
I wanted him back but how?I take the old phone that started it all and throw it to the wall. I want to destroy the thing that reminds me of Tawan and the past. I hate it and never wanted to remember it again.
"Mr. Kinn!" Big walk-in quickly and call for me. I started to feel dizzy because I had drunk a lot of alcohol. It is quite strong so I begin to lose control of my emotions.
"Let me go!"I shake myself off while sweeping things on the table into the floor. I am so tired of all these emotions. I want it to stop. I think I might explode any time.
"Mr. Kinn..Mr. Kinn.. don't be like this." Big helped me to sit on the sofa.
"Let me go.."I continue to flicker like that but the more I move, the more I feel dizzy. Ialmost finished the whole bottle all by myself so I began to hallucinate as well.
"Mr. Kinn, what are you stressed about? Mr. Kinn, is something wrong?"Big press me to sit down on the sofa with him sitting beside me and his arms wrapped around me.
"Let me go... Porsche...Porsche.."My mind begins to blur. The image of Porsche crying kept replaying in my head. I close my eyes, unable to withstand the heavy eyelids. I don't know what the person next to me is saying because I couldn't comprehend and I can't understand anything anymore.
"Sorry Porsche... I'm sorry Porsche.. let's go home with me.."I keep saying like a mad man. His name was the only thing that I know.
"Why does it have to be him?"
"Porsche... I promise I won't make you sad again."My head feels so heavy that I can't even support myself before resting my head on someone's shoulder beside me. It reminded me of Porsche's warm body. Those days when we were teasing and hugging regularly, I missed leaning on his shoulders like this..
"How good was he that I can't replace him?"I felt the pressure in my hand before my face was lifted and a warm breath was felt on the side of my cheek.
"You came back to me right? Porsche?"In my head the person beside me is Porsche. It is definitely Porsche. My heart instantly swells with the thoughts of him coming back to me.
"It's not me, is it?"His lips pressed against my lips.
The touch is tight and damp as the person infront of me begins to sniffle softly. I lift my arms and exert pressure on the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. The feeling of nostalgia made me crave for more. I crave that sensation so much that I can't control my emotions anymore.
My tongue got acquainted with the tip of his that was tucked inside my mouth before snuggling back and forth un yieldingly.
Although my subconscious mind thinks that it is Porsche, the taste is different. It isn't warm like it used to be. I don't feel the familiarity and the feeling isn't there.
Strange..strange that even the hand that reaches inside my polo shirt to touch my chest lightly doesn't make me feel dizzy or heart pounding like before. If it is Porsche that attacks me like this, I will be trembling.
Because it's challenging to see him being clumsy, daring, and fearless but not doing everything very well. But even with those thoughts, my brain begins to turn white bit by bit. The effect of alcohol makes my body easily ignite.
The hot tongues continue totease each other like that for a while. The person in front of me began to slide into the crevice of my neck until I had to tilt my head to give him full accessto my throat.When suddenly...
"Big! What the hell are you doing?!" It sounds like the bastard that keeps ringing in my ear every time I am havinga serious talk. Someone barges in that the person in front of me stops everything.
"Porsche... Where are you going, Porsche?" I kept babbling and calling his name that has been stuck up in my mind.
"Ugh Mr. Kinn, it's me."
"Wow, why are you so drunk like this? Big! What did you do? Go, leave us!"
"But Mr. Kinn.."
"I can take care of my younger brother. You can leave now!"
"Yes, Khun.."
"Damn you, Kinn! You almost lost it to that bastard Big! That fucking asshole is taking advantage of you! You're lucky Arm saw him enter your room or else he would definitely do something to you. I won't accept him as a brother-in-law! I'm not giving up on #teamPorsche!"
"Porsche.. where are you going Porche?"
"Oh! What the fuck Kinn! Stop hugging me, Pete help me.."I grab the person next to me. In my head, I will hold on to him tightly so thathe can't slip away easily.
"Mr. Kinn, you're already drunk, let's go to sleep."My body was grabbed by someone and my arm was held by another.
"Kinn, don't hug me..you bastard that tickles!"
"Porsche.. sorry.."
"I'm not Porsche! I am your brother! Get your head straight!" My body seemed to float and I was carried somewhere but I don't want to be away from Porsche.
I grabbed and touched anyone around me. I want to feel his warmth again. I want to smell his scent. I'm dying to be with him..does he know that?
"Mr. Kinn, just a bit more, we will reach your bed in a bit. Please walk steadily."
"Kinn!! What the hell are you doing? Fuck! Why are you sucking my throat? Pete help me!"As soon as my back hit something soft, I didn't forget to pull Porsche into my arms.
"Ahh!! Dammit.. don't! Help me.. Pete! Why are you standing there and laughing?!"
"Porsche... I'm sorry.. let's get back together."I hug him and hold him tight in an embrace. This must be the real Porsche because he struggles so much. He struggled like this in the past before surrendering to me.
"I'm not your wife! I'm your brother! Release me! Oh, don't hug me..Pete!! Help me!"
"Haha Mr. Kinn, that's your brother."
"Don't! I'll kick you! Fuck, don't lick my ear!"
"It's okay..."
"Kinn! I don't want to be a sinner, dad will kill you! Pete Ai sat! Hurry up!"
"Haha... Mr. Kinn, please let go."
"Kinn don't! eh! Disgusting! I can't stand it anymore!"
I suddenly felt a shock on my face before I lost consciousness and didn't know anything else. He's still bad, always playing hard to get with me, isn't he?
"Haha.. you punched him Khun!"
"Damn you, Pete! You didn't help me! I'll fuckin kill you! Shit!
TBC