Mia squinted as she awoke in the morning. Light was filtering through the blinds, casting shards of sunlight onto her face. She grumbled and turned over, trying to get back to sleep, but as she did, she was suddenly aware of a warm body beside her. This time, however, it wasn't Julian. Mia's eyes opened more fully to see Leila lying beside her, breathing slowly. Judging by her peaceful form, it was clear she was still deep in sleep.
Mia sat up slowly, the events of the prior night coming back to her in pieces. She glanced down at Leila and suddenly felt guilty. She hadn't meant to worry Leila, and she certainly hadn't meant to make her stay. Thunderstorms had always frightened Mia, ever since she was a child. She hated the darkness and the uncertainty of not knowing when the next thunder cloud would boom. During some powerful storms, the power had even been knocked out. Missouri's storms were the worst of all with the tornadoes, and with no mother to comfort her anymore, Mia's hatred for thunderstorms had worsened in adulthood.
How did she remember I didn't like them? Mia thought to herself as she glanced down at Leila.
Leila was sleeping on top of Mia's bedcovers, her knees resting close to her body. As Mia watched a shiver run through Leila, Mia removed her blanket from her body and draped it over Leila instead. As soon as the blanket touched Leila's body, however, Leila stirred. Mia stiffened and sat back.
Leila opened her eyes slowly, her gaze immediately becoming transfixed on Mia. She appeared confused, as if she wasn't quite sure why she was there either.
"Good morning," Mia murmured, not sure what else to say.
"Good morning," Leila responded, slowly sitting up. Her voice was tired with sleep. "Are you feeling better?"
Mia glanced away, embarrassed. She'd been acting like a child last night, needing comfort from her roommate of all people.
"Yeah. Sorry. I didn't mean to put you through all that trouble," Mia murmured.
"It's okay," Leila assured her.
"Do you want pancakes? I can make something for breakfast," Mia said.
"Okay. Sure."
While the breakfast conversation was perfectly pleasant, Mia could sense the awkward tension in the room. Neither of them spoke of the night before, and once they had finished eating, Mia quickly cleaned up the kitchen and got ready for work. For once, Mia didn't dread going in to the cafe. Her work shift was distracting enough to help her calm down and recover from the events of the evening prior, and she hoped her evening date with Julian would continue prolonging the distraction.
When her work shift wrapped up late afternoon, Mia got in her car and drove to one of the burger joints in town. Mia greeted Julian with a hug and a kiss, and after they went through the drive-thru, she sat in his car and ate with him, watching the sun set in the distance, although it was masked by some gray clouds rolling across the sky. She sure hoped there wouldn't be another thunderstorm this evening.
"How's your burger?" Julian asked.
"Super tasty," Mia replied. In her rush to get out of the apartment for her work shift, she'd forgotten to pack a lunch and had only had pastries to nibble on during her break. Mia continued biting into her burger, listening to the crinking of paper as Julian bit into his own.
"You know, for not having seen you in a while, you're pretty quiet," Julian remarked.
Mia turned and stared at him. Oh. Now she sensed the annoyance clearly shining through in his facial expressions. She'd failed to notice it before. When they were going through the drive-thru, she had been staring out the window, replaying the events of the evening before.
"What do you mean? You just saw me last week," Mia said. "Sorry that I don't have much to update you on." She hadn't meant for the tone to come off as condescending, but as soon as the words passed her lips, she felt Julian's frustration rise.
"We used to hang out nearly every day over the summer," Julian said.
Mia sighed, not in the mood for guessing games. "Don't make me do this. Just tell me what the problem is."
"Fine. I'm annoyed you've been more distanced lately," Julian said. "You don't respond to half my texts and phone calls, we go on dates way less often, and when we are out together, you sit here like this and sulk to yourself."
"I'm not sulking!" Mia argued.
"Then why aren't you saying anything?"
Mia's lips twisted as she thought of a response, but she ended up having nothing to say. She couldn't tell Julian about the night before or her continuous thoughts about if she made the right decision returning to Maine. Being vulnerable around him had never been easy for her, though perhaps that was mainly due to his indifference when she had been. How could she open up to him when he scowled every time she mentioned visiting her mother's grave?
"Ever since you moved in with Leila," Julian continued, "things have been different. You spend all your time with her."
Mia stared at him, mouth agape. "You're jealous over my roommate?! Do you honestly have any idea how ridiculous you sound right now? Sorry that I spend time with her! We're living together! And I would've been happy to live with you, but you never offered—"
"You know my financial situation!" Julian argued.
Mia ignored him. "Would it kill you to realize I have a life outside of you? I'm working full time, managing my own apartment, and taking some drawing classes to top it all off. I'm sorry that I can't spend every second of free time with you. I have adult responsibilities."
She wondered when that change had come about. It felt like in the spring and summer, her life had revolved around Julian. Now, he felt like a blurry figure in the distance that, while still meaningful to her, no longer stood out as the spotlight of her life.
"Well, you—"
Julian began his rebuttal, but Mia shushed him and unlocked the passenger door.
"Where are you going?" Julian asked as she grabbed her purse.
"I'm not doing this tonight," Mia said angrily. "Thanks for the burger, but I need space right now."
"Mia, come on," Julian said as she slammed the car door behind her.
She marched toward her own car in the parking lot without looking back.
When Mia had gotten onto the road, she found herself naturally driving to the cemetery, even though the sun had since set and the stars had come out. Where else could she go? She didn't want Leila to see her like this, tears rolling down her cheeks as the moon cast its light onto her face.
With her phone flashlight in hand, Mia navigated through the dimly-lit cemetery. Though it was dark, the route to her mother's grave had been permanently pressed into her mind, so she found it quite easy to stumble upon her mother's gravestone.
In the darkness, the marble didn't reflect the sun, and the flowers she had last brought had no color. Mia knelt down and stared at the dark stone. She opened her mouth to lament to her mother, to share her struggles and tormenting thoughts, but no sound escaped her lips.
Instead, Mia rose from her crouch, brushed some spare dirt off her pants, and mumbled, "This was stupid."
For several minutes, she sat in the cemetery parking lot with her car light on, staring out into the darkness. She was afraid if she went home too early, Leila would question why she was back, especially since Mia had originally hinted about spending the night at Julian's. The last thing she wanted to speak about was the fight, but the longer she remained parked at the cemetery, the more her thoughts began to spiral.
That's my cue to go home, Mia thought.
Once she'd arrived back to the apartment complex, she walked with purpose up the steps, deciding she'd head straight to her room and avoid Leila at all costs. Mia had continued to cry on the way home, and though she'd sat in the apartment complex parking lot for a bit to try to reduce the puffiness, she wasn't sure she would be able to get by unnoticed if Leila looked at her face.
Mia quickly wiped her eyes and nose with her hand one last time before she unlocked the door to her apartment. The door creaked slowly as she opened it. She silently begged Leila to already be in her bed, perhaps asleep for the night, but instead, she found Leila sitting on the couch, Fuji resting on her lap, and the two of them entranced by a movie on TV.
Just as Mia predicted, Leila looked confused when Mia entered.
"What's wrong?" Leila asked.
Mia didn't know how she could do that, how she could just tell from a simple glance that Mia wasn't alright. Mia opened her mouth to let out the usual excuses, that she was just tired, that everything had been fine, and that she was going to go to bed, but she thought of Leila who had comforted her last night and refused to leave her side, and in that moment, Mia selfishly craved that same comfort.
A sob escaped Mia's mouth.
"Mia!" Leila exclaimed. She moved Fuji off her lap and quickly stood up from the couch to run to her side. "Mia, what's wrong?" Leila asked softly, gently touching her shoulder.
Mia looked away as tears rolled down her cheeks. "I don't even know," she said, choking on her words as she said it.
Leila wrapped an arm around Mia's waist and led her to the couch to sit down. Mia sobbed into her hands. She knew she should be embarrassed crying like this in front of Leila, but all the pent up frustration she'd held for months was coming out at once. Leila briefly stood up to grab a box of tissues, which she gingerly placed near Mia's side. Mia grabbed a few tissues and blew her nose. Meanwhile, Leila sat quietly across from her, waiting patiently for Mia to speak.
"Did something happen with you and Julian?" Leila asked.
Mia shook her head. She wasn't sure why she felt compelled to lie, but she wanted to keep her fight from Leila at the moment.
"Then what's the matter?" Leila asked softly.
"I don't know. I just don't know. I-I don't know what I'm doing," Mia said, letting out a few more sobs. "Ever since my mom died, I've felt so lost, so I wanted to come back here, but I still have no clue—" Her words cut off as more sobs overtook her.
She felt Leila's hand gently grasp hers. Her touch was warm, and her thumb rubbed across Mia's hand in small circles.
"And-and I feel guilty that I keep crying about my mom," Mia added.
"Huh? Why?"
"Well, my dad just died, didn't he? And I didn't give a shit. I must be a horrible person for not caring as much about him."
"You know that's not true," Leila said.
"It is!" Mia complained, feeling stubborn in her responses. She didn't want to be told she was a good person. She didn't want Leila to tell her it would all be okay. She needed to air her grievances out without Leila saying anything in response.
Leila sighed. "I get the sense you maybe weren't as close with your father."
A laugh escaped Mia's mouth. Leila stare had taken on one of concern.
"We didn't get along much, no," Mia said. "Not after he took me away from here and didn't take care of himself."
"You're still processing his death, that's all," Leila said. "I know it was sudden."
"I honestly expected it," Mia murmured.
Leila stared at her strangely. "But you said he got in a car accident. A drunk driver hit him. No one could've predicted that."
Mia stiffened and stared up at Leila. "No. Leila my dad was the drunk driver. And thank God he didn't hit anyone else. He crashed into a tree."
"Oh—"
"It's my fault," Mia said, tears welling in her eyes again.
"Don't say that—"
"It is! He'd been doing better when I was an upperclassmen in high school. He was going to therapy and had been starting to get sober. I know he started slipping a little bit when I was in college, but he fell back deep into his alcohol addiction the longer I was away. I never thought to check in on him or visit much. I didn't want to go back there, to Missouri. I killed him. It was my fault," she said, almost in a whisper. She glanced down at her hands. They were trembling.
Leila leaned forward and hugged Mia close to her. Mia felt embarrassed for needing to be comforted again, especially when Leila had already held her like this the night before, yet she still reached for the fabric of Leila's shirt and grasped it tightly as she sobbed.
"And I don't know what I want from Maine either," Mia murmured against her. "I moved back here because I couldn't think of anywhere else to go. But I haven't been able to get a real job, and my mom is obviously still very dead, and I don't know what I was thinking."
She felt Leila's finger stroke through her hair. "Sh, stop talking," she said.
For once, Mia was obedient.
"I'm going to tell you a couple things," Leila murmured against her. "The first is that you're not a bad person. And you certainly didn't kill your dad. He was an adult who made his own decisions, and unfortunately, some of those were bad."
"But—"
"Stop" Leila said, shushing her again. "You mourning your mom and dad differently doesn't make you a bad person either. They led very different lives and had very different deaths. You lost your mom at a young age. And your dad...it sounds like he gave you a lot of grief. It makes sense you mourn them differently. And finally, I can't tell you why you moved to Maine, but I want you to know that I'm happy to have you here, and I hope you know that," Leila said. Mia felt Leila squeeze her a bit tighter at those words.
Mia calmed some as she felt Leila stroking her hair again.
"You always take on so much," Leila said. "You always have. Ever since we were kids. I remember the day you came back to school after your mom died. You showed up like nothing happened. I still can't believe you pretended like nothing was different. Mia, I want to be a good friend. If you can, and if you feel comfortable, talk to me, okay?"
"Okay," Mia said, her voice shaky with tears. She clung to Leila and cried for a bit longer. Just like the evening before, she still couldn't find herself letting go of her. Wrapped in the warmth of Leila's arms, Mia felt safe.
Drowsy from not sleeping well the night before, Mia felt herself nodding off once the tears began to dissipate. When she awoke, she was laying on the couch in the living room with a blanket draped over her body. She felt some fingers gently stroke her cheek. Without opening her eyes, Mia realized it was Leila.
How long have I been asleep for? When did Leila lay me down to rest? she thought.
Not wanting to alert Leila she was awake, Mia waited until she heard Leila's footsteps dissolve into the distance. Mia opened her eyes slowly, hearing Leila shut the door to her room. She sat up and gazed at Leila's shut bedroom door. A part of her wanted to follow Leila inside her room, to sleep in the same bed beside her again, but Mia hesitated.
She laid back down on the couch and pulled the blanket close to her body. It was true she felt better after crying, and she'd appreciated what Leila told her, but everything she had complained to Leila about was still yet to be resolved.
As Mia sunk her head into the couch pillow, she realized with fear that was becoming too comfortable here, both in Maine, and with Leila. She'd promised herself when she'd moved back in the spring that this would only be temporary, just to get herself back on her feet and thinking about her career. She'd thought the move back to Maine would clear her head and heal her. In many ways, it had already done that, so there was no need to get further attached. After all, hadn't she promised she'd return to New York someday?
I need to make up with Julian tomorrow, Mia thought as she turned over on her side and stared at the walls. As she stared around the living room, it suddenly felt foreign to her.
This isn't my true home, Mia reminded herself. As she drifted back off to sleep, still too tired to walk to her bedroom, she thought to herself, if Maine isn't my true home, then where is?