Mia's hair had flattened since she had curled it in the morning for the wedding. She ran her fingers through her hair, staring at herself in her bedroom mirror. Her eyes looked dull with tiredness. She glanced over her shoulder at her bed. Though it looked ready to welcome her, she wasn't so sure she was ready to fall asleep just yet. Perhaps she'd make herself a cup of tea and -
Knock. Knock.
Mia's thoughts were immediately interrupted. Her face twisted in confusion. Strange. She'd thought Leila had already gone to bed.
Slowly, Mia turned the knob of her bedroom door. Leila was in her pajamas; however, she was very much awake.
"Everything good?" Mia asked, briefly concerned. She didn't expect Leila to be awake at this hour, and she figured after a busy day, Leila would be passed out in bed. The lights in her room were usually always off by the time Mia found her way to bed.
"Oh, uh, I just wanted to thank you again for coming with me to my brother's wedding. I had a lot of fun. I imagine it would've been unbearable going alone," Leila explained.
Mia smiled. "Thanks for inviting me. I had a good time," she said. She paused, then giggled slightly. "Though I'm still laughing about the fact you tried to hide you were a lesbian."
"Stop!" Leila exclaimed.
Mia chuckled and opened the door farther, inviting her in. In a matter of minutes, she and Leila were comfortably seated across from each other on Mia's bed, listening to Leila recount tales of failed first dates and her frustrating dating history.
"So you've never been in a relationship, then?" Mia asked after Leila finished sharing a quite humorous first date story.
Leila shook her head. "No," she said.
Mia sensed disappointment in her voice.
"There's nothing wrong with that," Mia assured her. "I mean, my whole relationship history is a mess. I dated shitty guy after shitty guy in high school and college. Those relationships always self-combusted. And I knew what I was doing too. I knew none of those relationships were going to last, but I just fell into them anyway." There was something else on the tip of her tongue that she wanted to say, but she bit down and decided against it.
"Well, hopefully your current relationship won't be like that," Leila said.
"Thanks. And I'm sure you'll meet a nice girl some day," Mia said.
Leila's face seemed to visibly color at that response. Mia pretended not to notice and instead slapped the the top of her thighs. "Well, I don't want to keep you up too late past your bedtime."
"Oh. Yeah. You're right," Leila said, standing up from Mia's bed. She walked to the door, briefly turning back to say, "Thanks again for coming. Good night."
Mia nodded, though as Leila moved closer toward the door, Mia frustratingly twisted her hands into the fabric of her pajama pants. She winced as she said it, but the words finally managed to slip out.
"Leila?" she asked.
Leila turned around in confusion.
"Um...I mean...I didn't think it was appropriate to tell you this earlier in the evening, but I'm not under the impression I'm 100% straight either," Mia said.
Leila looked more unnerved than she did earlier in the day when she'd taken Mia aside and admitted she was a lesbian. "Huh?"
Mia glanced upward at her ceiling to avoid eye contact with Leila. This was something she had barely admitted to herself, let alone anyone else
"I mean, it was never something I took the time to sit through and process. I know I've only dated men, but I was always open to dating women as well. I kissed some girls in college. Granted we were drunk at parties, but...I never hated it. I just...I grew up in a really religious area in Missouri, and I was dealing with so much at the time with my mom's death and moving and all of that that I never really took the time to think deeply about my sexuality. I still haven't, so...I mean. It doesn't matter anyway. I'm dating Julian."
"Right," Leila murmured. Her tone was sullen, but suddenly she brightened up again. "That must've taken a lot of courage to admit. I hope one day you can figure it out in more detail."
"Thanks," Mia said.
Tension filled the room like it used to in the days they first started living together. Mia glanced around her room awkwardly, not sure when the tone had taken a turn. She tried to wrap her head around another topic, or at least suggest they both head to bed, but Leila moved back to Mia's bed and took a seat.
"How are you liking Maine?" Leila asked. It was a question she asked often, though Mia often gave a half-assed response that she enjoyed it well enough, secretly knowing she wasn't at peace here as much as she thought.
"I like it," Mia said tonight, but this time with authenticity. "At the very least, it's better than living in Missouri."
"What else happened there? If you don't mind me asking, that is?" Leila wondered. "I know you've told me a little bit already, but...I feel like there's probably more to it."
Mia felt her body tense. She wasn't sure why she'd been okay sharing some important details about her sexuality moments before only to freeze up when asked about her past. She looked forward at Leila. Her eyes were soft, and her facial expression was warm. Mia had already trusted Leila enough to share more intimate details about her life before. This should be no different. Still, Mia was sure to hold back slightly.
"Honestly, Leila, it was a shitshow," Mia said. "That's why I don't talk about it as much."
"Oh! If you don't want to—"
"No. I mean, there's not too much else to tell from what I've already told you that day at the cemetery," Mia said. She leaned back on her heels and sighed as she began to remember the years of sorrow she spent in that state.
"My dad and I lived in a small house in the middle of nowhere. Just a lot of cornfields and dirt roads. My dad fell into a major depression after my mom died and was never the same. He thought moving back home would help, but unfortunately he turned to drinking, and on the days he was too drunk, which was a lot of the time, I stayed with my aunt and uncle. They treated me like one of their misbehaving kids, not their niece who had just lost her mother. So I spent my days at their house doing chores and babysitting. What's worse, they tried to parent me as well, just because my dad wasn't around to do it himself."
Leila was frowning at her. Mia hugged her arms to her body, and after taking a shaky breath, continued.
"School was my only escape, but I was never good at keeping the friends since my dad was too depressed or drunk to drive me anywhere and my aunt and uncle sure as hell didn't care that I keep up a social life. When I think back to that time I just feel....lonely. Everything feels dark and numb. I knew I had to get out, which was why I applied to school in New York, and thank God I got in, because I don't know what would've happened if I'd stayed in Missouri," Mia said.
Leila stared at her, mouth agape. "I'm sorry. That's terrible. It hurts me to hear that. Why did you never tell me?"
"I didn't want you worrying about me," Mia murmured. She felt her throat go chalky, but she ignored it and glanced away, not wanting to cry in front of Leila.
Leila leaned forward and engulfed Mia in a hug. Normally Mia would object, but in the moment, it was what she needed. She buried her head into Leila's shoulder and held her close to her body. She was trembling slightly, although Leila withheld any comments about Mia's shaking form.
Mia pulled away and glanced away from Leila, feeling embarrassed.
"I hope being back here feels better than Missouri at least?" Leila asked.
"I don't think it'll ever feel the same now that my mom is gone, but it feels...comforting. And I think living here with you now has helped it feel that way," Mia said.
She wanted to slap herself. What was she saying? She was supposed to be stoic and hide her feelings. That was what she had always done. Why were the words so easily slipping out?
Leila smiled. "Well, I'm glad, and if there's anything I can do to make your time here more comfortable, please let me know."
Mia smiled. Quickly, she tried to divert the subject in case she embarrassed herself any further.
"What about you?" Mia asked.
"What about me?" Leila asked, looking surprised.
"Do you really expect to stay in Maine forever?" Mia asked.
Leila wrung her fingers together and shifted her body, clearly appearing uncomfortable.
"My manager asked me recently about considering advancing my career in another state. But I don't know. I pretty much turned her down," Leila admitted.
"But why? That's great news!" Mia exclaimed.
"I just...I like it here. I don't really know if I want to leave," Leila said. "I feel like I can't go away forever. I mean, after all, you came back. I think everyone comes back home at the end of the day."
"That's an entirely different situation!" Mia argued.
"Still..."
"I think you should at least consider it," Mia said. Leila was staring intently at her, hanging on to every word. "I know you like familiarity, and I know you don't like to take risks, but—"
Mia's phone ringing suddenly broke off the discussion. She glanced down, seeing it was from Julian. She bit her lip and stared back up at Leila. She'd already denied his past few phonecalls earlier in the evening. She didn't have an excuse this time.
"Julian?" Leila asked, seeming disappointed.
"Sorry. He's probably asking how the wedding went. I should answer..." Mia said.
"No worries. Thanks again for coming to the wedding. Have a good night," Leila said, getting off of Mia's bed and quickly rushing out of the bedroom.
Mia's heart sunk seeing Leila leave. It wasn't fair they hadn't gotten to finish their conversation, but Leila wasn't Mia's first priority, unfortunately. Julian was.
"Hey," Mia said.
"Took you long enough to answer," Julian said.
"Sorry."
"How was the wedding?" Julian asked.
Mia spoke with him long into the night.