TRIGGER WARNING: sexual assault
my eyes fluttered
but stayed shut
movement
still my eyes were closed
i didn't remember falling asleep
but i knew where i was
i believed i was sleeping safely
my body should have jolted
but my eyes only opened just enough
enough to witness what i feared he was going to do
enough to wish they hadn't opened at all
i remember trying to form the word "no"
but the word wouldn't leave my lips
i don't know if i was frozen from fear
from shock
or from something else
it's hard to know for sure
hard not only because i had drank that night
but because i was stunned
stunned at what was happening
stunned at who was violating me
see he was someone i knew prior to this
someone i trusted
someone my family trusts..
trusts.
yes, still trusts.
still greets him as they always have
i think he used this to his advantage
because no one truly believed me when i told them
the courage it took to share what happened
was met with odd looks of disbelief
looks that swept away the little courage i had
looks that made me question my sanity
looks that made me wish away my life
looks that made me ask questions
questions that one in this position should never ask
so why do we ask them?
because we're taught from a young age
we're given rules
dress codes
was i wearing something too revealing?
did i lead him on?
i'm sure we danced that night
but didn't we all dance?
was it my makeup?
surely these are illegitimate questions
questions that shouldn't even run through my mind
so what do i do now?
i've seen him since.
i hold my breath when i do.
but then i release it.
and i repeat this over and over
i breathe