There it is again, the numb feeling. The thoughts are drowning me out, I'm stuck in a loophole that coexist's in my head. I love him, don't I? Or is it just that I'm desperate for affection. No, It cant be. What is love? Have I really felt it? Isn't it all just butterflies in your stomach, or cheesy pickup lines over message? I don't know.
***
"There's someone I'd like you to meet."
My friend calls me over frantically, Q as I called her. It was lunch time and I had just gotten out of class. My black school shoes clack over to her table, it felt as if everyone had their eyes on me. I smoothed my school uniform and nervously stood among her friends.
She was a grade below me, my school had two systems. One was national and the other international, although we were the same age international students skipped a grade. Despite the two of us in different classes, she has always been a dear friend of mine.
"What is it?"
I ask, fiddling with my fingers. Q smiled and grabbed me by the hand.
I didn't know it at the time, but this would be the start of something new. Something fresh, but also the key to my future heartbreaks. Sometimes I wish it never happened.
In a split second I was standing in a middle of a crowd, surrounded by students a grade above me. There he stood, a young boy with dark black hair. A few centimetres shorter then me, his gaze locked into mine. My cheeks reddened in embarrassment, I was confused, suddenly all the voices became muffled and my heart skipped a beat.
"Hey you like her right? Come on man she's right here!"
I call him X, his friends continued egging him on. He turned towards the male bathroom and ran. I didn't get to say hello or a simple greeting, an abrupt meeting that would bother me for the next few days. It circled my head like a toy train, I hated that.
Surprisingly I had gotten very close to his class after the incident, we exchanged numbers and made a group chat to message in. I was in an after school program with some of his friends, it was a blast. To be honest we gossiped a lot, talking about what was happening around campus and our daily lives. I felt like I had found my long lost family. They joked around about how I would date X one day and we'd end up together. I didn't mind the jokes, they were quite funny. But looking back at these memories reminded me of a saying, "Everything you say is a prayer."
I believe that.
In just a few months me and X had been closer then before, he texted me constantly day and night. I was flattered with all the sweet things he said, his friends would steal his phone and try messaging me. I laughed every time they did so, they sent me videos of him and pictures of them hanging out together. I felt protective every time I saw another girl on his Instagram story or someone mentioning him.
My heart couldn't help itself, I fell deeper and deeper every time he talked or messaged me.
He was a sweet talker, a great manipulator. Even I fell into his trap, climbing out of it would be liked climbing a smooth cliff with no ridges. I couldn't believe it.
It was a Monday evening. My parents were out and I was left at home with nothing to do. My cousin switched on the TV and we watched "Crazy Rich Asians" I had watched it countless of times before, but something about the movie always made it feel special. I was scrolling through TikTok out of boredom, I sat on the couch beside my cousin. His eyes were glued to the TV, my finger lazily swiped up to the next video.
A notification tab appeared.
X had messaged me! I sat up and straightened my back.
"Can we talk?"
He says, I excitedly messaged back with "sure". Keeping my cool as I waited for his reply.
"I don't know how to say it, but..I like you"
My hands shook, no one ever liked me. I was always friend-zoned or ignored. I had many friends but none of them ever said anything like..like this?
I asked him multiple times wether he knew what he was getting into, did he know what the outcome or aftermath would be? Is this some dumb joke he made up? Supposedly it wasn't.
I confessed I liked him too. I jumped up and screeched, my cousin stared at me weirdly. He ignored me and shook his head, I ran around and was excited to see him the next day. As soon as it struck 10 I fell asleep, dreaming about what would happen tomorrow. How I'd be with one of the coolest guys in the grade or how I was able to win the "charmer" of the group.
But it wouldn't be like that.
It was hard for us to look at each other now, we were shy and avoided each other in public. Somehow everyone in school knew about it, I kept getting messages of students asking, "Are you dating X?"
He was my pride and joy but I preferred our relationship be kept private. It spread like wildfire, a contagious plague or a deadly disease. I sunk into the school lunch table when the students approached me asking about it. My friends asked them leave me alone, I tried ignoring all the questions but it started to become a daily routine.
X told me to block them out and says he would always be there for me, all sunshine and butterflies. He told me I was a guardian angel sent by God. I believe I was a mere stepping stone.
***
My first boyfriend. Isn't that funny?
High school sweethearts with the belief of forever. As soon as it started it would all come crashing down. Miscommunication, ghosting, ignoring, anger, jealousy, were only a few ingredients in the mess we had created.
A few months in we got into our first fight, I didn't talk to him for a week. I ignored his messages and didn't post anything about him. My friends complained about the cheesy things I posted about him on instagram. They were shocked to see the silence. The new couple that was picture perfect in a fight? He told his classmates about it. What a douche!
With a sweet talker he took advantage of the situation. He went back into my heart with just a few simple texts, saying he was sorry and he loved me so much. I gave in.
This was the first red flag, and you guessed it. It never occurred to me.
A few months later he decides that ghosting me would be okay. He messaged me from his PC saying his mum took his phone. He was a gamer, I nagged to him about the times he would sleep at. I was worried he never got enough rest. I messaged him everyday but he suddenly stopped replying. I sat on my bed day and night crying.
"Did I do something wrong?"
He posted pictures of his ex he must be online. Did he not receive the messages? Maybe he doesn't have WhatsApp? Maybe he hates me? Maybe he thinks I'm clingy? TALK TO ME.
After a few days or so he messaged back.
"Sorry I didn't get your messages."
But I knew he had been calling or hanging out with his friends online. I knew him too well. But I never could blame him. I blamed it all on me. If this was love, why did it break me down? Why did he break me down?
I didn't know what we had..or wether it was even special anymore.
He made his way back again to me and this time I accepted him faster then ever, I just wanted him to love me again. I just wanted him to talk to me and message me. Even if it were all a lie please..
..just love me.
We broke up soon after. There was no improvement in the relationship. No movement or anything new. He got bored and lost the spark he had.
***
The reason why this story is the first is because its the one I remember the most. I felt like I was forced to break up with someone I still loved, and till this day I try to remove the feelings of love towards him. Our memories together slipped away just as quick as they were made.
The two of us weren't made for each other. I tried my luck again but they all ultimately ended up in disappointment. There was even a phase where I just wanted him to love me back just like I did to him. I couldn't love him in the dark, I cried about him everyday and tried making myself hate him. It all ended with me missing him even more.
People say that I should move on, but this was different. He was my first ever boyfriend, how could I forget him? I just wished I knew from the start what would become of us.
We don't talk to each other that much anymore, his class has distanced themselves from me. He swore he would take care of me but he was reckless with my feelings. I see him as a blessing and a curse, I don't know how love truly feels like. I hope one day I will.