this is me trying | taylor swift
❝ it's hard to be at a party
when i feel like an open wound
it's hard to be anywhere these days
when all i want is you ❞
"SHE BEGGED ME me to not be mean to her Rain!" Fuck, that was on her mind when I was hugging her? I was trying to not rethink the whole plan or worse get a hard-on and she was scared I was going to hurt her.
Rain groans into his pillow. "You've been going at this since two in the morning. Let it rest Luca!"
I check the time on my phone and watch as eight am flashes across the screen. I should be in Rain's position right now, in bed wanting to go to sleep. Or even Maxi's - who is passed out on my bed. I dragged her in after I realised she'd had one too many shots.
It was either me or Christopher D'arc who was eyeing her the entire night. She didn't look at him once but I know she knew he was looking at her.
But I'm not in either of their positions because I couldn't drink after that, I was so fucking caught up in...her. Nads and her innocent-seeming dark brown eyes that I want to keep happy, Nads and the way her lips etch into a frown that I want permanently removed...fuck, just Nads in general.
I'm about to open my mouth back up again when there's a sudden knock on the door. Rain groans again and I'm sure I hear a 'fucking early birds,' before he turns around to face the wall digging his face deeper into his pillow.
His comforter falls away exposing his fair skin scattered with tattoos. I rip my gaze away heading to the door.
When I open it up I find Mila Astralis on the other side. She's got two braids in the front of her hair whilst the rest of the white blonde falls just past her shoulders.
"Margaux sent me." Is all she says before she underarms a water bottle to me, I catch it and watch as she walks in passing me a packet of something. I turn it over going to read the label, confused.
"What is this?" Why would she bring crackers?
"Some snack, it's supposed to sober you up. Margaux said it would." Well fuck me, I had no clue Margaux Astralis' name excused everything and explained it simultaneously.
Mila heads over to Rain first and sets a water bottle and snack on his bedside table. "I know you're awake but for the most part I don't want to talk to you either." She whispers and I laugh under my breath at that one.
I watch as she approaches my bed, brushing out Maxi's dark hair from her face. Mila looks up to me and I still feeling as if I've been caught doing something I shouldn't, "you brought her in at one am right?" I nod. "Okay, well when she wakes up tell her Margaux wants to talk to her."
"Mila...do her and Margaux not get along?" I mean it's obvious Margaux cares for Maxi, but the few times I've seen them interact it's like Margaux is mothering her; telling her what to do, fixing up her tie, helping her complete her homework - doing it would be the right term.
"Maxi's uh - the baby of the cousins, you know kind of like you and Sage," Mila explains as if that clarifies anything. I mean, I took it as a given that Maxi was the youngest.
"Huh?"
"You know, you make the fucked up decisions but you aren't coddled like Sage. You guys protect him from shit." I should be bothered by the fact I've just been told to my face that I make fucked up decisions but Mila isn't wrong and to be honest, the honesty is refreshing. "Anyways, I've got to go. Nads is probably waiting for me."
"You guys are close?" I took them as it was when I first saw them together in the art studio, but I didn't think they were nickname basis close.
Mila nods, "mhm, we met last year."
"Where?" Mila and Nadia know each other? why the fuck is this news to me?
"We had internships at Mademoiselle Nephritie's, you know who that is right?"
Atlas takes a seat at the end of his massive bed. Against the silk red sheets and his canopy bed frame, he looks like a king. It doesn't help he's currently half naked as well - he's one of the only people I know who would push through, even after tearing his acl and dropping the basketball team because of it.
"You need to stop hooking up with Cassie, it's fucking weird." Caleb's voice all draws us to him as he enters Atlas' room. "I mean fuck Atlas if you're that desperate for a lay I'll do it." I assume he's just walked pass Cassie who's doing the walk of shame.
Atlas grins at the second comment and I feel a smile work its way on my lips too. "Caleb, you wouldn't be able to handle me. Plus, if Luca doesn't care that I'm hooking up with Cassie, why should you? That is if you do care Luca, because I'll stop if you do."
I raise my hands, "please don't, you're doing me a favour." After mom's death, I had Cassie all over me. I ended up breaking up with her because I became too claustrophobic in the relationship. I just wanted to be alone and she couldn't accept it.
"Anyways, where is Sage? He is the one that called this."
As if on cue Sage walks through the double doors with a plate in his hand. He's biting into the red velvet cake with an appreciative moan. "Atlas, have I told you how much I love your mom?" Sage and red velvet cake are a duo I don't even think his future partner can beat.
"Yeah, more than Caleb has." Caleb smiles to himself at that one, he's got some fucking weird crush on Monet McAllister - I mean, I get why but she's also been around since we were young enough to attend mommy and me yoga sessions.
"Sage, you sounded urgent on the call. I had to cancel soccer practice mid-match. Half the team is probably pissed at me, what is it?" Caleb's bluffing, even as a junior he's got the entire school wrapped around his finger. He's been Sterling's favourite since high school started, hell he could've graduated last year if he wanted to.
Sage takes a seat on the couch parallel to Atlas' bed, he's still eating a piece of cake so we all wait in silence watching him until he resumes speaking, "I was wondering if we all go broke, would we all collectively agree to go for cougars?"
It goes dead quiet.
"That's what you called us for?" Caleb finally asks, his disbelief breaking the silence. I mean I don't know why we even bother at this point, Sage is always asking stupid questions. Nonetheless, I like answering them.
"Well..yeah. I mean I would marry for love but I was wondering if any of you were superficial." He shrugs and I wonder if he's oblivious to the boys staring at him in bewilderment or if he simply chooses to ignore it.
"Nah I wouldn't. I'm gonna marry for love but it's obvious she'll be making money." I don't use names, we all already know who I'm talking about. "I mean Xemina told me that Ellis told her that Valé told her that she got an internship at Mademoiselle Nephrities for the summer. Fuck all of you and going broke I'm going to become a trophy husband."
"You're going to need to actually talk to her for that to happen, you know that right? You can't just stalk her on Instagram and count it as having communication." Atlas says and I stare back at him crossing my hands over my body. It's not news that Nadia and I haven't talked in years because of my isolating ways, but that doesn't mean I don't keep tabs on her.
"She doesn't even post, I stalk Valé's." I smile self sufficiently at that Atlas rolls his eyes but doesn't push further.
"Asters?" Caleb asks nonchalantly from where he's standing against the wall.
"Yeah, you know her?" I mean Valé was around a lot when we were younger because of Nadia but I don't think she and the boys ever truly interacted.
Caleb shakes his head. "Nah, but I saw her at Hoco last year. She's hot."
"I'm pretty sure she's with Ethan Lotsions, plus as if Luca would let anyone go near any of Nadia's friends," Atlas shrugs. I don't correct him because he's right, I'd rather die then have any of my friends corrupt hers - even Sage, just because he's nice doesn't mean he isn't prone to upsetting girls.
"I never said I would get with her or anything, among other reasons she's too goody for me." Caleb dismisses.
"Goody?" I ask, never hearing the word used singularly.
"Like, goody two shoes. I don't think I've ever seen her or heard of her doing anything. Plus, I'm with Salem." Right, Salem Whitfeild. I watch as Caleb opens his mouth to add to what he's said but his eyes focus on something behind me drawing him away from his thoughts.
I turn as well staring at Sage who's gotten up from his seat and is midway to leaving the room. Once he realises we're all staring at him he shrugs. "What? I'm going to get another serving...or two." He grins. "Oh and Caleb," Caleb nods at him, "Monet's mine."
"Yeah, I know who that is," I answer Mila zoning back in.
"Yeah well, we met at her internship last summer. Anyway, I've really go to go. Tell Maxi to give Margaux a ring!" With a dismissing wave, she leaves the room.
🃑 🃑 🃑
Maxi groans, swallowing the water from the bottle Mila had put by my bedside table hours ago. "Why did I party that much?" She asks holding her hand to her - what I assume - throbbing head.
"Because you have no self-control." Rain offers with a sweet smile, Maxi throws a pillow at him and he dodges it. He's definitely in a better mood than he was hours ago. I would say the same about me but it wouldn't be true. I thought I ran the anxiousness and guilt off in the school's gym - but it's returned.
"Rain, one day someone is going to knock you out and I won't stop them."
"I'd love to see someone try." Rain counters amused with the thought.
"Give me two business days to recover from this and I will." I don't realise they've stopped talking until Maxi directly calls out to me. "What are you overthinking about today Cathans?"
"Hm?" I ask looking over to her from where I was starting to stare off into the distance.
"You've got that sad puppy look like you're regretting all your life decisions." Well, she isn't too far off with that one.
"It's a familiar one isn't it?" Rain offhandedly comments and Maxi shuts him up by flipping him off, even in her hungover state she and Rain go back and forth.
"Nothing, I'm fine." I'm fucked is what I really am, this is going to keep me up at night for the next week minimum.
"Please don't be mean."
I should've said something.
But she fucking hurt you.
You've hurt her too.
"Come on Luca, don't be like that. You know we won't judge you, I mean between us three you've got a family disappointment, a self subjected orphan and well...you. I mean we make a pretty good group don't you think?"
"Did you just fucking call me a self subjected orphan?" Rain scoffs but behind his terrible feign of hurt amusement resides.
"Come on Rain, get with the program you're lucky I don't call you Annie."
"Annie?" I laugh and Maxi sends me an easy wink, before popping a cracker into her mouth.
"But on a serious note, what is it?"
"It's about his girl, they hugged yesterday and he's going on a full frenzy. Rabies and all." His girl.
Maxi smiles, looking over at me. "Aw, that's so cute. I wish more guys would get excited over hugging." She awes looking at me like I'm some pathetic ten-year-old boy who's been kicked in the nuts.
"That's not it, she asked me not to hurt her. She begged me not to fucking hurt her and look what I'm doing. Look what we're all doing!"
"Apologise then," Maxi says. "Tell her you don't want to, tell her and mean it." I turn to Rain for his input but he doesn't say anything, not meeting my gaze. "Look, Luca. You only get one shot in life and it's short enough as it is. You really want to spend it being miserable?" Hungover Maxi advises as if she's had experience. But then again, this could all just resort back to her and Christopher.
"I should, shouldn't I?" She nods and I find myself getting up from the seat I'd taken at my desk. "And it's not as if it'll affect anything in the long run." I don't have to be mean to her, that's on Sage now. I head to the door, It's simple everything can be so simple.
"Don't go." Rain's voice has me stopping in my tracks, my hands on the handle but I turn to face him and Maxi confused.
Maxi's got the same look mirroring across her face. "What the fuck are you talking about now?"
Rain ignores Maxi's uprise and keeps his gaze locked on me. "Look, you apologise and then what? You hurt her again and again and again and then where the fuck do you end up then? At least you had the balls to be honest about it." I process what Rain's saying, he isn't wrong but it still fucking sucks. There goes simplicity.
"It's not that simple Rain." Maxi cuts in and I'm eager to hear her defence, to hear why I shouldn't listen to Rain and instead should head out the door right now to her.
"It really fucking is. What is he going to do after he apologises? he definitely isn't turning into a saint overnight and becoming a different person with different objectives."
I feel the pit of my stomach sink, who the fuck was I kidding? Rain is right, I won't be a different person tomorrow and none of this will change. I'll still be me, self-destructive old me and that'll hurt her. I don't even have to say anything for it to happen.
"Yeah, well -" Maxi loses herself in a train of thought for a second before returning. "He can still apologise." I hear it in her tone I watch it in her face. How Maxi questions it as well, whether it's worthy for me to apologise to only hurt her.
"You ever heard the phrase Maximilienne, you give a person an inch and they take a mile?" Maxi nods begrudgingly. "That's exactly what's going to happen, some people don't know how to regulate emotions. You think if he goes there and apologises she won't have hope?"
"I think you're completely wrong." She argues.
"I think you're only saying that because you see fragments of your relationship in theirs." Maxi looks as if she wants to castrate Rain, he ignores it waiting for my response.
A train of texts disrupts the eery silence and I smile sheepishly whilst feeling grateful for the momentary distraction. I get out my phone from the pocket of my hoodie unlocking it and heading to messages as I look at the most recent notification.
(Sage's Version)
caleb: remember when the
auditorium caught fire last year?
sagey: and when luca almost died
because he was drunk on campus
like an idiot???
caleb: yeah that day
sagey: of course!!
sagey : forever missing the
mariachi band 💔
sagey: but why??
caleb: which one of you took the usb again?
__________________
a/n
why do you want the usb caleb?
more importantly... what's on the usb?
dun, dun, dun!