The Monster Under the Bed
Sirius couldn't sleep.
He curled onto his side.
He felt his stomach tingle with anxiety, feeling as though it was trying to digest itself.
Last month he'd been in too much of a shock to actually process what was going on, and he hadn't been one hundred percent sure he was right, so it hadn't affected him like this then.
Now he knew, of course, where Remus went, and what was going on with him.
He rolled over.
Remus was a werewolf.
Somewhere out there, he wasn't Remus, but a creature feared by many wizards. A creature hunted by many wizards. God, that was a scary thought, Remus being hunted.
It deeply unsettled him.
He turned onto his back again.
It was hours until daylight.
Sirius wondered how Remus was doing— if he kept his mind as a werewolf. He didn't think so. But then again, his information on werewolves wasn't very accurate, he'd learned.
Sirius wondered how it felt.
It must hurt, he thought.
His entire body would be rearranging, every bone, every muscle.
Sirius shivered at the image. He couldn't imagine what it was like. It had to be horrible.
The feeling in his stomach grew stronger and he rolled over onto his side again.
He hadn't closed his curtains all the way, and the moonlight shone through a sliver between the cloth.
His stomach twisted and he hugged his pillow tighter to his chest, sitting up, and pulling away the curtains slightly to look out.
The moon was full — obviously — and was shining brightly, a spectacular white against the obsidian sky. The stars surrounded the moon, blinking and shimmering. The stars always reminded Sirius of his family and their everlasting obsession with the cosmos, but he'd always enjoyed the moon. He'd always thought it was beautiful, gleaming light in the darkness. Something about it had always given him a sense of hope in the Black house.
But now the sight of it made his insides screw up.
He padded over to the window sill and pulled himself up on top of it, sitting with his back to the wall. He couldn't fall asleep, so he might as well just wonder. Where did they keep Remus? It was somewhere safe for everyone, he knew, but Remus had never told him where. He and Remus hadn't actually spoken about it since the day he came back last time, so Sirius really didn't know much.
There was a draft in the room, coming through a small crack in the window, (he and James may have gotten slightly carried away during one particularly intense game of dorm room dodgeball, where James had thrown one of the balled up socks they'd transfigured into balls and it hit the window, cracking it) and a breeze was coming through. Sirius and James were too sheepish to ask McGonagall or the house elves to fix it, so they hadn't been able to mend the glass. Now Sirius wished he'd at least put on a jumper, but he didn't feel like getting up again.
He wrapped his arms tightly around his legs and pulled them to his chest, trying to take in all the body heat he could. He could hear Peter's snores and wished they could learn a silencing charm, to keep out the noise. Sirius shivered again, as bad memories of certain punishments he and Reg would get in the Black household surfaced. One time, Sirius had used a potion to dye his aunt's hair red, pouring it in her drink before she drank it. You'd think his relatives would be better about checking what they consumed with Sirius around, but they'd learned nothing. His mother had been furious, and they had been unable to get the dye out of her sister's hair and just had to let it eventually fade. She confiscated the potion (which had cost Sirius a month's worth of allowance in Diagon Alley) and used the silencio charm on him. She hadn't removed it for a week. It'd been one of the worst weeks of Sirius' life, and scariest. Not being able to speak or use his voice terrified him, and not being able to scream when his mother crucioed him sounded unnatural, and eerie.
Sirius wasn't stupid. By now he'd learned that that wasn't normal behavior or regular forms of punishments in other wizarding families. James's family obviously wasn't like that, and the way Peter talked about his, Sirius was sure Peter's wasn't either. Sirius wished his family was like that. He wished they made a big deal about birthdays and Christmas like James' family did, or that they went on fun trips like Peter's, or cared enough to not care who they were like Remus'.
He supposed he really didn't have the right to complain when his problems were so meger, compared to those of Remus, who was out there in the night howling at the moon.
Sirius hoped he was okay.
"Where is he, Sirius?"
Sirius nearly toppled off the window sill in surprise, having been too absorbed in his thoughts to notice James' approach behind him.
"What're you doing up, James," Sirius demanded, pulling himself up and trying to regain his dignity after latching on to Remus' bedpost to keep him from hitting the ground. James climbed onto the window sill and sat across from Sirius, not looking at him. There was only barely enough space for the both of them to fit, with their knees to their chests and their toes touching.
"I could ask you the same question," James responded.
"Okay sure, but I asked first idiot, so you have to crack first."
"I could make the argument that I actually asked a question first and you ignored it, so technically, you should be answering my original question before I answer your's."
"You great schmuck, you have been asking your question all month, it's the same answer it's been every other time you've asked."
"'Go fuck a cactus' isn't a proper response to that sort of question though."
"Oh well now that you've pointed that out, I give a shit! Seriously James, stop asking."
"I just want to know so its better for all of us—"
"Better for you, you mean, you nosy git."
"Can a guy not get a bit of sleep around here?" Peter's voice came from behind his drawn curtains on the far bed. "Will you two shut your pie-holes so I can get an ounce of rest? Honestly...."
"Sorry, Pete!" James said, and Peter gave a grunt in response. James looked back at Sirius, with a sort of sheepish look on his face. "I suppose we were being a bit loud then, weren't we?"
"If it was loud enough to wake up Pettigrew, I suppose so."
"Perhaps we should go downstairs then," James said, stirring. "No one should be in the common room at this hour." Sirius nodded in agreement and they both stood up. Sirius grabbed a jumper from the top of his trunk on the way out, pulling it over his head as they left the room. Their dorm was the sixth one up (Sirius felt bad for those who were below them, as they could be quite loud) so they had six flights of spiral staircase to get down as quietly as they could, which for a sleep deprived Sirius was somewhat hard, and James had to steady him a few times, because he was quite clumsy.
The common room was empty, as expected, and the boys headed over to the cushy chairs by the fireplace. The elves must have just tended to the fire— it was roaring as strong as ever. They climbed onto the same oversized armchair and squeezed in together.
Sirius was fidgety; he kept kicking his heel against the armchair nervously and turning his head to glance out the window at the full moon. James was eyeing him suspiciously and curiously, wondering what was going on with his best friend.
"We came down here to talk," James said. Sirius stopped kicking the chair and tore his look from the window to look at James.
"Yeah...."
"First off, what's wrong with you?" James asked.
Sirius looked down and crossed his arms. "Nothing."
"Sirius, you can't sleep and you have more nervous energy than usual. And you keep looking out the window. What's wrong?"
Sirius looked away. "Nothing's wrong."
"You're lying. Sirius, you know where Remus is."
"It's not my secret to tell, James!" Sirius said, louder than he intended. James looked surprised, and he clenched his jaw. Sirius looked over at the stairs quickly like he thought the entirety of Gryffindor house was going to come down from their dormitories in that second. When they didn't he sighed and closed his eyes. "James, I want to tell you. I do. I just... can't okay? Believe me, Remus would rather I didn't know, you know how secretive he is! I figured it out on my own accord. You have to respect what he wants."
James bit his cheek. "But—"
"James," Sirius cut him off. "Please, stop. Stop trying to get it out of me. I'm not going to tell you. This is about Remus. Not me, not you. It's his decision, okay?"
"I just want to help—"
"James, I know! I know and I know you'd be okay with it, but Remus isn't you or me, alright! He doesn't trust, have you noticed that? He's so stressed out and wary all the time like he thinks any moment one of us might just drop him! You being so determined to find out his secrets isn't helping."
James fell utterly silent, and Sirius almost felt bad. But he reminded himself that James needed a bit of yelling to get it through his thick skull to stop antagonizing Remus about his whereabouts. James looked a bit ashamed, actually, which Sirius was glad of.
"Will you let it go? He's not ready to tell."
James was quiet for some time, before nodding slowly. "Yeah. Yeah okay. I'm sorry."
Sirius shook his head. "You should apologize to Remus, okay? You dropping hints and repeatedly trying to be sneaky about asking the past few weeks has kinda stressed him out."
James nodded again. "I will."
"Okay good."
They stayed by the fire a little bit longer, before heading back up to their dorms, both going to bed but neither able to fall asleep.
When Remus Lupin was five, he made his mother close his closet door every night before he went to bed.
He'd been afraid of the dark, mostly because of the bedtime stories his father used to tell him about the monsters who lived under his bed and in the closet, waiting for him to fall asleep.
"Oh, stop it, you're scaring him," Hope used to say, swatting Remus' father's shoulder as he laughed and Remus buried himself under the blankets. They'd had a bedtime ritual every night, where his father would tell him a story before bed, and his mother would sing him a song from one of her records. Then they'd tuck him in and say goodnight.
Every night, Hope would close his closet door and check under his bed, because Remus was always convinced he heard a noise, and refused to fall asleep until his mother was absolutely sure there was nothing there. His father would roll his eyes and ruffle his son's hair, murmuring to himself how silly young children were.
One night, his father told him a story about a dark creature who roamed the wizarding villages of Scotland, and killed young wizards in their sleep. He said the creature only came if the child had done something wrong or distrusting, so if they were good, the monster wouldn't come.
Of course, this was just one of those stories parents tell their children in attempts to make their child behave, but Remus didn't know this. He was gullible, as he was only five, and believed every word that came out of his father's mouth.
That night, Hope happened to be out of town, visiting her sister in Wales. Her family didn't approve of Lyall, so Remus didn't get to see them much. Earlier that week, Lyall had passed a law he had been working on, that had taken a good while to get through, but the Werewolf Restriction Act of 1965 finally went through, causing an uproar from the werewolf community of the wizarding world. It was already hard enough for them to hold down jobs, much less get one, but the new law made it nearly impossible.
Lyall's patience had been short that week, and he had been stressed out with the calls of complaints and petitions appearing on his desk. He thought it was rather good that Hope was out of town, in case something terrible happened. It would have been better if Remus had gone as well, but Hope's sister had not approved of Lyall, so she did not approve of 'his son' either.
Remus asked his father to close the closet door and check under his bed for monsters, like Hope would have done, had she been home. Lyall had refused, not having the patience to deal with his son's silly fears, and assured him there was nothing under his bed.
Remus burrowed under his blankets, so he didn't have to look at the dark space behind the cracked closet door.
He knew he heard a sound from beneath his bed. He had called his father, begging him to check for monsters, but once again his father had refused, ignoring him and trying to finish a paper due by the end of the week.
Remus had known that there was a monster under his bed, but his father hadn't listened.
When Hope Lupin returned home, it was to find her son was now the very thing her husband had tried so hard to pass a law against.
Remus had known that there was a monster under his bed. He'd known and now there was no turning back. Now the dark didn't bother him as much as it had before, because now he knew there was nothing he was scared of more than what he became every full moon.
When Remus woke up, the ceiling of the Shrieking Shack was spinning.
He blinked, and tried to sit up, only to lose his balance and fall onto the floor again.
It had been a bad moon.
His bones ached and the sharp smell of blood reeked, filling the room. His arm was sticky, and his stomach, so he knew he must have bitten himself a lot. The wolf never really knows what to do. The natural instincts were to kill, and seeing as he couldn't do that, the only other option was to attack himself.
Remus groaned and screwed his eyes shut, trying to stop his vision from swimming and trying to make the pounding feeling between his eyes go away.
He heard the trap door open in the other room and knew Madam Pomfrey had come to get him.
Ever since he had begun transforming at Hogwarts, he had never been so glad that his clothes transformed with him, and came back when he turned back to human. Though they always were torn in spots where he had nipped at himself.
He heard Madam Pomfrey gasp and hurry over to him. He opened his eyes and tried to sit up again, but failed miserably, falling back and hitting his head hard on the floor.
Madam Pomfrey was a pretty lady in her early thirties, and the best healer Remus had ever met. She also knew about his condition, so that helped quite a bit. Other healers his parents had taken him to never knew. She was also incredibly kind and never ceased to try to help, even when Remus knew the injuries he sustained were incredibly revolting.
"Bad moon then?" She murmured as she helped him get up.
Remus nodded, not having the energy to really speak, and let her help him to the trap door. His legs felt like they were going to give way any minute and he certainly felt like passing out. He reached up to feel his face and felt the stickiness of blood on his face. He inwardly groaned and thought about how he'd managed months without scratching up his face at all. None since the start of term either, so it would be visible. James would certainly have a field day of questions.
"Oh Remus, you do seem very tired. You scratched yourself up quite a bit last night. I think it would be best if you didn't go to your classes today. You need rest and time to heal."
Remus tried to protest, but all he could manage to say was an indecipherable grunt.
Madam Pomfrey tutted. "Yeah, you aren't going anywhere."
Remus frowned.
The trip back to the castle was long and agonizing, and they took several breaks for Remus to sit and try to regain some strength in his leg. Madam Pomfrey kept apologizing for not bringing the stretcher this time, and Remus tried to assure her it was fine, but seeing as he couldn't really walk or speak without needing a break, it wasn't very assuring.
By the time they had come out of the passageway from the Whomping Willow, it was well past seven, and most everyone was up. Madam Pomfrey fretted about how someone was going to see them and ask questions and Remus felt his stomach churn with anxiety.
Luckily for Remus, the person who spotted them first was the person who knew.
"Hey! Remus!"
Remus stiffened and almost fell over, but Madam Pomfrey was still supporting him and caught him before he fell. Remus took all his energy to look over his shoulder to where Sirius Black was skipping over to them. Sirius faltered when he saw the state Remus was in.
"Oh my g—"
"Mr. Black, I advise you to go to breakfast with everyone else. This is none of your concern," Madam Pomfrey said.
Sirius shook his head. "No, I've already eaten. I've been up all night, see." He looked at Remus again. "I can help you up too."
"Mr. Black—"
But before she could say anything, Sirius took Remus' other arm and put it around his shoulders so he could lean on Sirius as well. Remus instantly felt relief spread through him as the weight was taken off his legs.
"I didn't know it was this bad," Sirius muttered, taking in the blood and Remus' ripped shirt. Madam Pomfrey frowned, but didn't tell Sirius he couldn't help her help Remus up to the Hospital Wing. The journey was much smoother after that, and they only ran into one group of Ravenclaw fourth years on their way to the library, and didn't get anything else other than curious looks, so it was much easier. When they reached the Hospital Wing, Madam Pomfrey immediately went to the back room for some healing potions and Sirius helped Remus into a bed.
"Alright, Remus?" Sirius asked after Remus was situated, and Sirius pulled up a chair. Remus shrugged.
"I didn't know it looked like... this... after you turned," Sirius said anxiously. Remus shrugged again.
"This was a bad moon. I don't usually look this bad," Remus managed to croak. Sirius nodded but still looked concerned.
Madam Pomfrey came from the back room, with bottles of potion in her arms and set them on the side table.
"Alright Mr. Black. Out. Remus needs rest and he certainly won't be getting any with you here."
For once Sirius didn't try to fight back, as he could see Remus clearly did need to sleep.
"Okay. I'll be back later. Feel better, Remus!"
With that, he left and Remus took four different potions to help with the pain, and drifted off to sleep, glad the night was over.