[ONE YEAR PRIOR]
"Finnegan Fox. Open wide, baby."
I couldn't help but smirk, shutting my eyes as rough fingers tugged on the back of my hair and yanked my head back. As requested, I blindly opened my mouth and accepted the waterfall of whisky poured down my throat.
"Good girl," Jack playfully praised, patting my cheek roughly as I lifted my head and swallowed, scrunching my face at the harsh taste. The familiar burn in my chest was greatly appreciated as I reached out to take the handle of Jack Daniels. Jack grinned, surrendering it. "Opening night, baby. "
I took another generous swig from the bottle, attempting to distract from the incessant pounding coming from the pest of an organ inside of me. The distant sound of chanting only fueled the uncomfortable hammering in my chest as I set the bottle on the floor by my foot, picking up the guitar again.
I strummed, wincing at the sound. I continued to work my fingers, hearing more people come into the cramped dressing room as the liquor began to course its way through my bloodstream.
"Finny boy, how we feeling?" Pete mused, squeezing my shoulders to hype me up.
I took my time answering, shutting my eyes and enjoying the rough massage. I was feeling a hell of a lot of things, given that it was the opener of our first headlining tour in the city I grew up in. "Like I could shit myself."
Pete cackled, kneeling down to grab the Jack for himself. I smiled, a dazed feeling taking over my head as I observed the room around me. It felt surreal, like I was dreaming. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that the passionate sounds drifting down the hallway were for us - that we were the main act, that we had two openers.
"This is fucking mental," I muttered, mostly to myself. "Cheers, boys."
One last shot warmed my throat as I passed the bottle around, standing up and jumping up and down to release some of the tension. Pete and Jack snuck out of the room just as Ace was walking in.
I avoided eye contact, turning around to plug in my phone and grab my inhaler. Unlike the other two, Ace could read me like a book. It was something I both liked and disliked about him, learning that as time passed, I liked to keep my two personalities separate.
I took a puff, inhaling deeply.
"You look nervous, mate."
"I'm good," I responded as I exhaled, glancing over my shoulder at him. He nodded reassuringly, making me feel like a child.
"It'll be sick, don't stress."
"Not stressed," I grumbled, running my fingers through my hair and tugging at the roots slightly. "I just, my fucking dad is here."
I felt my cheeks heat, feeling stupid for admitting the real reason I was so on edge. He nodded in understanding, clapping me on the back as I picked up the bottle and took one final swig. I could feel my body loosen even more, knowing I'd hit the spot I needed to be in.
Our manager, Harrison, popped his head into the room, a wide smile on his face. "Let's go boys, they're ready."
With one final exaggerated exhale, I motioned for Ace to walk out ahead of me.
"Ladies first."
-
"Do you have a light?"
Blonde hair, green eyes, a devilish smirk. I shivered, my thin t-shirt not standing a chance in the Fall air. She stepped outside to join me on Jack's small balcony, shutting the door behind her. The party was in full swing on the other side of the glass door, music pumping through the wall I was leaning against.
I held my cigarette between my lips, using one hand to block the wind as I cupped her cigarette for her and used the other to light it. I stared at her lips wrapping around it, unable to look away as she took a drag.
"I'm Sarah," she spoke quietly, exhaling out of her mouth and inhaling the smoke up her nose. She made heavy eye contact, her gaze unwavering in that familiar way. She smirked, catching my eyes lingering on her mouth.
"Finn," I nodded in response, taking a drag as I looked up into her bloodshot eyes.
She laughed under her breath. "I know who you are. I was at the show tonight."
"Have a nice time?"
"The nicest," she hummed, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. She was pretty. "I like watching you on stage."
"Why's that?"
She rolled her eyes with a small smile.
"Don't be so modest. I'm the fifth girl who's joined you out here."
"It's nice outside," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks warm knowing what she was implying. "I just happen to be here."
"Don't be daft. You're sexy and you know it."
It was my turn to smile, running my fingers through my hair as I tossed the cigarette on the ground and stomped it out. "Thank you."
I didn't need to tell her she was too, my eyes doing it for me as she looked away and smiled to herself. I made no move to go inside, instead crossing my legs at the ankles and leaning further into the wall. I shoved my hands in my pockets, watching as she continued to waste her plump lips on the cancer stick.
"We should, I don't know. Go back to my place."
There it was. Her statement made the air around us ten times thicker, my heart thudding slightly harder in my chest.
"At least take me to dinner first."
She chuckled at the joke, making eye contact. I'd unknowingly moved closer, my arm resting on the wall above her shoulder. Gently, I used my pointer and thumb to remove the cigarette from between her lips, flipping it and setting it between mine. She watched my mouth, biting her lip as I took a deep drag before tossing it out. I ran my tongue over my bottom lip, not having a chance to invite her to mine instead before she leaned forward and kissed me.
-
I gently lifted the heavy comforter, doing my best to make as little noise as possible as I got up and retrieved my discarded briefs from the ground. The female-shaped lump in my bed didn't budge, unconsciously sighing in her sleep as I pulled my underwear back up my legs and slipped out of the room, shutting the door behind me.
My head was spinning, an unwelcome combination of waning inebriation and the beginnings of a hangover. I felt like an arsehole as I poured a glass of water, glancing at the clock and seeing the glowing 4:03. I knew it was fucked, but I wished Sarah had gone home... it was rare that they'd stay over, having gotten what they wanted from me and I, them. The reminder of our time was a blur that left me feeling bleak.
I'd finished the gig with a high unlike one I'd ever felt before, only for it to be extinguished as quickly as it came. My dad had left early without as much as a text, leaving it to my step-mum to let me know they'd needed to go but that she was proud of me.
Jack's after-party had transitioned from a celebration to an outlet. I'd drank myself to oblivion, got high and taken yet another stranger home as my mates cheered me on, oblivious to how I was really feeling. Sarah seemed like a nice girl, but I wasn't a nice guy. I didn't plan on exchanging numbers, or having breakfast together, or frankly, seeing her again. We'd fucked twice and when she curled into my side, I felt nothing.
My guilt began to weigh me down as I poured a second glass of water, heading back towards the bedroom. I tiptoed around the bed, setting it on the nightstand next to her phone. As if on cue, it lit up - the incoming message brief, but enough to paint the full picture.
Baby, I'm getting worried. You didn't text me when you got home. Call me when you're up
I knew I shouldn't have felt the sense of relief that I did. I grabbed my journal off the dresser on the way out, once again shutting the door behind me. I walked to the living room, flipping the light switch and collapsing onto the couch.
Opening my journal to the first blank page, I began to untangle my thoughts - or at least attempt to. My therapy wasn't conventional, but it worked. Some of our best songs were born on my loneliest nights and fuck, was I lonely.
I was lost in my head for god knows how long, finding peace as words bled from pen to paper. I hadn't realized I had company, startled by her sudden presence. I couldn't help my gaze, drifting from her face down as I realized she was only in her small pink thong.
"What are you doing?" She asked, sleep thick in her voice. I missed the ease of having a girlfriend, her gentle inquiry comforting but only as much as a stranger's could be. "It's half five."
"I don't sleep," I responded, tucking my pen inside and shutting my journal. I gave her a small smile. "I'm a vampire."
"You do like biting," she smirked, her hand blindly rubbing a bruise forming on her neck. "Come back to bed."
"I'm alright. I left you water on the nightstand."
"Thanks," she quickly retorted, clearly not having it. She stepped closer, her silhouette even more sensual in the subtle lighting emitting from the small lamp beside me. I watched as she took my hand, her fingers running down the length of mine before gently gripping my fingertips. She left a trail of heat in the wake of her touch. "Please?"
"I'm a bit lost in my head, if I'm honest."
"Then let's get you out of there."
I watched as she dropped to her knees in front of me, hands on mine as she spread my legs to make space. My mouth fell open as she wasted no time pulling me out of my briefs, biting her lip and making eye contact. I considered interjecting but the minute her lips wrapped around me, any other thoughts drifted peacefully away.