Retrocognition

53 | controlling

I've hardly been able to see my friends at all over the past few weeks.

Not only have I been busy with trying to get a confession out of a potential murderer, along with reliving the death of Naomi Amira in the form of hallucinations—on top of my school assignments and extracurriculars—but I've also sort of been avoiding them. At least, I've been avoiding Ben ever since Jacob requested I stay away from him. I care about my friends more than anything, and the last thing I want to do to either of them is drag them into the mess I have going on in my life right now. So I keep my distance from them, fearful of what Jacob may do if he catches me with Ben or Ivy.

However, when Ivy asks Ben and I to stop by her dorm once classes are over for the day, I can't resist deciding to show up. I know Jacob won't spot me going out, as Ivy's dorm is located in the same building as mine. Plus, I really miss my friends. So I agree, and soon I am sitting comfortably in Ivy's room, with she and Ben by my side—just like old times.

"I miss you guys," Ivy groans as she swivels around in her desk chair to face Ben and I, frowning in my direction from over where Ben and I are perched atop her mattress. "I feel like I haven't seen you two in forever."

"Seriously," Ben agrees with a nod. His hazel eyes cut over to me, and I glance away from him quickly, unable to meet his stare. I can't look at him without feeling incredibly guilty. After all, I've practically cut him out of my life over the last few days with no explanation as to why. I'm certain he must have a few questions for me about why I've been avoiding him.

"I'm always so swamped with the paper," Ivy complains, continuing her rant before anyone else can offer input. "It's starting to feel like I'm drowning in work. Anyway, what have you guys been up to?"

"I joined the photography club," Ben says after a moment, sounding somewhat sheepish.

Ivy's eyes widen in surprise as she studies our friend. I can hardly contain a gasp myself as I face Ben, overly excited for him. He's been dying to join the photography club for months, though has been hesitant to do so. He's always worried that his work won't be good enough to make a lasting impression on others, which is a fear I can relate to.

"Ben!" I cry, clasping my hands together enthusiastically. "That's amazing! Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"I did, actually," he mutters, appearing slightly uncomfortable. "I texted you a few days ago about it, Blythe. You never answered."

My excitement gives way to guilt, which seeps into my chest and fills me to the brim. I should have known I wouldn't be able to get away with distancing myself from my friends without being called out on doing so.

"Hey," Ivy adds, furrowing her eyebrows as she glances over at me skeptically through narrowed eyes. "Same! I texted you nearly a week ago. You left me on read. What was that about?"

I rack my brain for a believable excuse to give to my friends as to why I have been so unresponsive lately, though I am not able to come up with anything viable. The last thing I want to do is tell my friends the truth as to my recent absence, though I don't seem to have any other option. Maybe I should just be honest. After all, hinting at Jacob's true character may end up being better than keeping my friends in the dark as to what he is really like. I don't want them to be blindsided when they eventually find out the truth as to who Jacob Beckham really is. Besides, I don't have to go into detail about everything I know about him. I only have to share enough to make him sound suspicious.

"I'm sorry," I finally say, genuinely meaning the words. "I promise I'm not trying to avoid you guys. It's just . . ." I trail off, struggling to put what I want to say into words. "The night of the football game," I start, "Jacob saw me hanging out with Ben. He was sort of rubbed the wrong way by it. I guess I just didn't want to further upset him."

Ben and Ivy fall silent, sharing concerned glances with one another. When they finally speak, they both cry, "What?" in unison.

"Are you serious?" Ivy questions, narrowing her eyes as she studies me in distaste. "Blythe, that is not okay."

Ben furrows his eyebrows, shaking his head. "Why would he not want me to hang out with you? I thought he was cool with me when we met?"

"It's just his preference," I start to backtrack my revelation, feeling the need to defend Jacob so as not to worry my friends that I'm in an abusive relationship. The last thing I need at the moment is for my friends to meddle around when it comes to my relationship with Jacob. I need to get that confession out of him before anyone becomes too suspicious of his character.

"I don't know," Ivy murmurs. She studies me closely, biting down on her bottom lip as if to keep her from saying more than she should. "That doesn't sound too good, Blythe."

"I promise it's not a big deal," I lie. "Jacob just mentioned that it's a little weird to him that Ben and I are so close, so I distanced myself a little. That's all."

"That sounds kind of controlling," Ivy retorts. "Which isn't a good sign, Blythe."

"So I'll talk to him about it," I argue, shrugging nonchalantly. "You guys know I would tell you if anything serious was going on. I promise everything is okay." It seems that I have become much too accustomed to lying to my friends. I feel terrible knowing I have broken their trust—even if they don't know that I have.

Ben and Ivy share another look. They seem to be having a silent conversation, communicating through their expressions. I almost feel excluded, though I know I have no right to feel this way. After all, I'm the one who is keeping secrets.

"Alright," Ivy settles on saying, though she still looks wary and concerned. "If you say so, Blythe."

I relax as the topic of the conversation shifts, removing my relationship from the spotlight. It isn't long before Ivy is going on another one of her tangents, complaining about the nonstop Greek row parties that have been taking place on campus since the beginning of the semester.

"It's seriously messed up," Ivy mumbles, appearing distraught. "I mean, a girl was murdered on campus not too long ago. And there are people throwing parties? Doesn't anyone care that the killer is still on the loose? It's like no one gives a fuck about what happened to Naomi or the fact that her case still remains unsolved. Supposedly this huge party is supposed to be going on at one of the fraternities tomorrow night. It's like—"

"Where did you hear about that?" I interrupt Ivy without meaning to, my tone far too eager to come across as merely curious. At the mention of a "huge fraternity party" the gears in my mind suddenly start to turn beyond my control. I'm almost positive I heard Jacob mention something about a big party recently. If I'm correct, Jacob will be expecting me to go with him. If the party he had been referring to is the same party going on tomorrow night that Ivy has just spoken of, I need to make sure Zach will be free to attend in order to keep an eye on things from afar while I'm with Jacob. I'm not entirely deranged—I know being around Jacob alone is dangerous.

"In class," Ivy reveals, glancing at me as if I've gone mad. "From one of the frat brothers throwing the party. Why?"

"I have to go," I tell my friends, rising from my seat with no explanation as to why I'm in such a rush or where I'm going. "I'll see you guys later. Love you!"

I don't stop moving even when Ben and Ivy start to ask questions as to why I'm leaving so abruptly. I merely exit Ivy's dorm without so much as a glance behind me, wandering down the corridor to seek out privacy. I pull my phone out of my back pocket as I round the corner, dialing Zach's number without a second thought.

He picks up on the second ring. I don't give him the chance to say much before asking, "Do you have any plans tomorrow night?"