y/n didn't know where to go first, but she wanted to get out of her clothes. her sweater and pants weren't the best choices of attire for the rain.
she didn't- couldn't- keep akaashi's coat. not after all of that news was put onto her. she didn't want to choose, not for him. she didn't want to be the reason he stayed behind and lose an opportunity to grow his career.
she had to let him go even if she wanted him to stay.
the umbrella. she contemplated keeping his umbrella. it was the first thing he gave her on the first day they met. but that was also dropped onto the floor of his apartment with his coat.
now she was left with no hints of akaashi on her. just the lingering feeling of his kiss against her skin. his words floating around in her mind. the sound of his laugh running through her mind. the image of his smile playing inside her head like a movie.
she wanted to erase every memory of him from her mind but at the same time, she wanted to keep it in a box, lock it, and never let the memories slip from her mind.
it wasn't long before she managed to get to her apartment. konoha was sitting at the table and was immediately on his feet when she walked inside.
however, she walked to her room and locked herself inside, changing out of her wet clothes to dry ones.
then she just closed her eyes and slept.
~~~
"konoha, come on." was the first thing she heard when she woke up. "five minutes, it's all i need."
"no, man, she came home crying and soaking wet and freezing cold." y/n sat up and walked to her bedroom door.
"i just need five minutes. or less, just let me talk to her." she debated on whether she should leave her room and go approach him.
"she's sleeping."
"can you tell me when she wakes up then?"
"that's up to her." y/n walked out of her room but lingered by the turn of the hallway, keeping herself away from the doorway view.
konoha turned his head and his eyes moved to the spot she was hidden behind. "give me a few sec." he closed the door and walked over to the hallway. "you wanna talk to him?" she didn't answer that.
on one hand, she wanted to talk to him, hug him, and kiss him again more than anything. but on the other hand, she knew if she looked into his eyes, she would be asking him to stay with her and she couldn't do that to him.
"he looks like he'll wait out there until you speak with him." she looked up at konoha and raised her eyebrows. "not saying it to guilt you. just telling you." he raised his hands up in the air.
"stay in your room." she told him before walking to the door. konoha followed her words and she didn't approach the door until she heard his door shut.
she placed her hand over the door handle and started thinking over the decision. she left him first. she dropped his coat and umbrella without another word to him.
but he did come after her.
with one turn of the handle, the door was open.
akaashi was leaning against the doorway when she opened the door and immediately stood up straighter when she opened the door. he was wearing the same clothes from earlier and his hair was a lot messier.
both of them waited for the other to speak up first, but neither did.
"what are you doing here?" despite the harsh intention behind her words, y/n's voice was as soft as ever.
"i needed to see you." this was the most disheveled that y/n's ever seen him. his voice sounded tired but his eyes were filled with their usual light whenever he saw her.
"and you've seen me." y/n grabbed onto the door and was about to close it when akaashi shoved his foot up against the door, holding it open. "you know, in books they usually put their foot between the doorway and the door. you're doing it wrong."
"i seem to be making a lot of mistakes today." he sighed and pushed the door open a little more.
"what are you doing here, akaashi?" y/n crossed her arms to keep them from reaching out to him.
"i wanted to make sure you got back here safely." he answered and kept his eyes on her while her eyes fell to his shoes that didn't even enter the apartment. the edge of his shoes was lined up with the entrance to the apartment almost perfectly.
"i did." her gaze stayed on the floor. one look into his eyes and she would be back into his arms.
"good, really good." y/n held back an unamused laugh at how much their situation was far from good. so far from good.
maybe laughing was something good to do right now because she was so close to crying.
"but i did come here for you- more than to check on you. of course i wanted to check on you but i did come here for you. you know, to talk. talk more than we already did which wasn't much talking but i don't want us to end up upset and then i move away and we're just both upset and left with no end- i don't want us to end." akaashi rambled, a trait he seemed to pick up after spending so much time with the girl who was silent in front of him.
"so what you're saying is you came here to talk because you didn't want us to be upset in case we do end things." she said as a statement.
"i don't want there to be an "in case we break up" i want us to continue, continue forever. and i know when i told you i had to move for my job it seemed like we had to break things off, but we don't have to." he shook his head and reached for her hand.
she let him. the warmth of his hand covering hers spread through her entire body, getting rid of the cold feeling inside of her.
but it didn't help the stiffness in her shoulders or the way her jaw was clenched without her knowing. her eyebrows were slightly furrowed and her whole body was tensed.
"you wanna start getting your art out for people to see, don't you?" he asked and y/n wondered where he could be going with this starter question. "y/n?"
"yeah, i do."
"move with me." oh.
"what."
"move with me. there's no way you can't find yourself a steady job or people looking for art." he stood up straighter and his face seemed to light up. "and it's not so bad, is it?"
"akaashi.."
"we can bring rin with us and find somewhere that allows pets. i can write, you can paint. we can live together and grow our careers together."
"akaashi, stop."
"and we can come back here anytime you want to-"
"no."
and such a simple word shattered the playing future in akaashi mind. the words stopped coming out of his mouth as her single word repeated in his mind.
"akaashi, i can't." her tone seemed to be unsure, almost like she was forcing herself to say these words. "i was just offered to be in another showcase only a month away. if this goes well for me then i can go forward to bigger showcases with other big artists attending."
her eyes were still glued to the floor and akaashi tucked two fingers under her chin and lifted her gaze up to him. she looked all over his face and avoided his eyes.
"and my whole family lives here. i don't want to move away, not from my mom, dad, and sister. and the bookstore. i like the life i'm living right now. i have everything i need and i don't want to change it."
each word was stacking up a barrier between the two of them, keeping them further and further apart even when their hands were still on each other. akaashi's under her chin and y/n's on his arm.
"i can start my career here.. if i move then i have to start again." y/n slowly looked into his eyes and almost took a step back at the desperation and hurt in his eyes.
"i don't want to lose you." he gripped onto her hand even tighter and pulled her closer to him. "you're one of the best things that ever happened to me. i can't lose you. not like this."
"we both want different things." y/n stared up at the ceiling to keep the tears from falling.
"but i want you."
"no." she shook her head. "i'm not letting you throw the beginning of your career for me. you have an amazing opportunity to get your amazing writing out there for people to read. the book that you've been working on for months! ever since i've known you, you've been writing constantly. you've been writing for this moment. you have your publisher and a book fully written. you don't need me anymore." those words were more painful to her than it was to him.
akaashi fell quiet as he stared at the tears that escaped from y/n's eyes. his brain was trying to put together words and sentences that he couldn't form.
she was right. he didn't need her to help him write anymore. but he did need her. he needed her so much and so badly. so why was he slowly letting go of her?
"i do ne-"
"you want me." she cut off his sentence, her voice as sharp as ice. "you don't need me, you want me."
"and i know you want me too." akaashi used his thumb to brush off a teardrop. "so tell me to stay. tell me to stay or move with me. please?"
"no." y/n grabbed onto his wrist and tried to push his hand down and away from her, but he didn't let her. "i won't do either of them."
"why not? do you need me to give you a thousand word essay on why you are essential in my life ever since i saw you that day in the coffee shop?" y/n's eyes snapped up to meet his and they were staring right back at her. "do you want me to beg you to stay with me? do you understand that i can find a handful of other publishers but you, you are irreplaceable."
this time she actually did take a step back as if his words physically pushed her back. "you don't get it." she was still looking at him. "you just don't get it, i would never be able to look at myself if i asked you to say. i'm not asking you to stay, not because i don't want you to, but because i love you and i want what's best for you even if it means i have to let you go."
akaashi thought that her words earlier were painful. this? this was gut-wrenching. y/n had turned to face the wall and tried to pull herself back together.
but she couldn't stop crying, she could barely hear herself, and she wanted nothing more than to turn into akaashi's arms. at the same time, she wanted to shove him through the door and slam it in his face.
she grew up reading stories about "i love you" moments being magical and the most romantic moment in her life. she was also told stories about her own parents' love story and then her grandparents' love story.
they all seemed magical and beautiful. why was hers breaking apart by the seams right now? why was her "i love you" moment in the middle of nothing but soon to be painful memories?
"y/n.." akaashi set a foot into the apartment for the first time. he slowly wrapped his arms around her waist and turned her around to his chest.
her head rested on his shoulder and felt his chin rest on top of her head. "you don't have to let me go." he said softly. "you can keep me. don't make me go. i love you." three words added more tears to her crying.
"no." she pushed herself away from him and walked back until her back hit the wall. if he truly wanted to stay then did he really need her to let him?
akaashi stayed back away from her and contemplated what to do next. he hated to leave her crying like this, but he was only making her cry more every time he spoke and it was tearing him into pieces.
"please." he took a step forward. he could try one last time. one more time and if she pushed him away again, he would leave. "i love you."
y/n wiped the tears away and looked back at him. he was standing there, his own tears threatening to fall. she shook her head with the smallest smile, the words still bringing her the smallest joy despite their situation.
she took that step that closed the distance between them and moved her hands up to his face. her thumb caught a tear that escaped his eyes and pressed her lips against his cheek.
and time seemed to stand still for the both of them when their lips met. but this kiss didn't feel like their other kisses. those other ones felt like they were full of love and affection.
this kiss, however, felt like a goodbye.
neither of them pulled each other closer as they usually did. neither of them deepened the kiss. neither of them wanted to pull away.
but they did.
"so this is the end?" akaashi asked when he found himself standing at the doorway again. y/n sniffed and forced herself to look up at him.
"this is the end."
~~~
this is not the end.
or is it..
is this the right time to mention that this book was also inspired by sparks by coldplay cause like SPARKS fly
i love you so - the walters = this chapter
AND LAST KISS BY TAYLOR
AND THE LAST TIME BY TAYLOR
i had an idea to start a fire plotline cause again SPARKS FLY. literal sparks flying..
but i decided against that
could u imagine? just.. fire
omg what if i set the fire at the bookstore
the amount of angst i could've created.
what if i killed emika or kenji 😟
i think i'm too attached to them tho
my favs <3