"Enroll in some music classes?"
Sunny smiled enthusiastically. "That's right. I wanna get back into playing the violin."
After watching Basil's college orchestra play on stage, Sunny realized that he really missed playing the violin. Even though the violin would always carry some heavy memories for him, he knew he wanted to pick it up again.
He remembered tears of joy shining in Basil's eyes as he played the duet on the day of his marriage proposal. He was eternally grateful for the help that he had received from the Mari lookalike pianist he had met in the college's music practice room, Sarah. She recorded the piano part of the duet, and he had played along.
I wonder how Sarah's doing right now?
She's also studying music at this college, but I haven't seen her around lately.
"Go for it!" Basil encouraged with a warm smile. "I always knew you'd become an amazing violinist one day."
Sunny laughed. "More like a violin novice who can barely remember how to play one song."
"Nonsense. You play like a master of feeling," Basil teased.
"Only because I had such a great pianist with me."
A lightbulb went up inside Basil's head. "Oh, right. I saw her the other day. Sarah, right? She looks a lot like..."
"Yeah, she looks so much like Mari," Sunny finished for him. "Where did you see her?"
"She was at the cafeteria in the music building. The one beside the concert hall."
An incredibly hopeful look grew on Basil's face, almost teary-eyed. "Wait. Don't tell me. You want to pick up the violin again so you can perform amazing duets with her in memory of your sister?"
Sunny laughed again. "Wishful thinking. I don't think she has time for a newbie like me."
"Just wait until you tell her that your lover accepted your marriage proposal because of the duet you performed with her recording," Basil teased further.
"C'mon," Sunny said, blushing. "She'll barely even remember me. I'm sure she's moved on to much higher aspirations, with much better musicians."
"Why not see if you can find her at the cafeteria again?" Basil asked. "From what you told me, she sounds like a nice person."
"Maybe I should brush up on my violin skills again first."
"Oh, don't even worry about that! Just wave at her and strike up a conversation."
"By the way, was she talking to anybody at the cafeteria?"
"Hmmm...I think she was talking to another guy."
"Did he look like Hero?" Sunny joked.
Basil leapt at Sunny and ruffled up his blond hair.
I was wondering because I recently saw an ad searching for pianists at the university.
If I remember correctly, the city orchestra is looking to hire some concert pianists.
And I've seen lots of students do their job interviews at the cafeteria...
One kissful of Basil later—or more like fifteen minutes of making out—Sunny put on his September windbreaker and went out for work, feeling like his new hair color had cranked up Basil's affection levels to that of a puppy golden retriever.
Then again, he couldn't claim that Basil's gorgeous new ponytail hadn't done the same for himself.
He was not a student at Basil's college, but luckily for him, the college accepted enrolment into courses at a higher fee than what regular students paid for tuition. Sunny was hoping to rectify this price disparity. He'd try his hardest to get good marks in the course he wanted to enroll into. Then he'd apply to the college for a degree in music, specializing in the violin.
In the meantime, his part time job at the Fix-It in this city would pay the bills, and that outrageously expensive enrollment.
Basil wanted to help cover part of it for me, but I can't let him.
Basil's parents are not wealthy, and most of his own income comes from the grant for developing our old hangout spot into a memorial garden in Faraway.
Guess he wouldn't be able to binge on new video games this semester.
It was the start of the new school semester for Basil. He was now a second year student studying environmental science, with a focus on environmental preservation. Basil also took a lot of electives in botany. Just looking at some of the scientific formulas from Basil's classes made Sunny's head spin, bolstering his own certainty that he would never be able to do well in a STEM program.
He was sure of this, despite his mom wanting him to get a tech degree so he could find a higher paying job.
Sunny could wave her off these days. The new webcomic he was collaboratively developing, based on his dreams of Headspace, was acquiring lots of fans. Once he gathered enough readers, he could start a two-person merchandise company based on the webcomic's characters. He hoped to reach ten thousand readers, and then he'd release a merchandising poll.
But part of him felt really sad that his story had a character based on his sister. It was normal to feel sad whenever he thought about her, he knew. But it meant that sometimes he broke down crying as he drew his webcomic, reminiscing about Mari; Basil had to come to his side and comfort him with some very tight hugs.
He didn't mind getting free snuggles from Basil. He did mind being an over-emotional distraction to Basil.
His boyfriend—husband, now—was very busy coordinating the next steps of his garden construction. Basil needed to spend most of his time studying for his courses. As much as Basil enjoyed giving Sunny hugs and snuggles, Sunny didn't want Basil to be distracted from his very promising gardening career.
I used to keep all my feelings bottled up inside and never cried.
Getting therapy, coming back for Basil to declare my love for him, and confronting my mom over our issues seems to have released much of my emotional inhibitions.
I've really changed a lot, haven't I, Mari?
He felt himself growing a little misty-eyed at work as he reflected.
Sunny left the cash register to go the bathroom. He sat on the toilet stall and tried to bring his emotional resilience back. Crying was good and healthy, but crying in front of customers at work over personal issues might be a bit too much.
"It isn't over. Your loneliness will never be over," Omori spoke in his ear. "Not unless you end it all."
"Sunny isn't going to do that," Stranger retorted. "He understands by now how to process his pain, and move on."
"But one of these days, he could shatter completely and never recover," Omori said.
"As long as Basil's with him, that will never happen."
Sunny's negative thoughts swarmed through his head, an unrelenting knot. He practiced what he had learned from therapy. He let each emotion flow through him, accepting that his feelings were this way and not the idealistic fantasy dreamworld of happy feelings he wanted them to be. He remembered words of support from his friends. He tried to recall how he had found the strength to stand up in the midst of his bleakest emotions back then.
I loved my sister, and I killed her.
Do I want to continue?
Yes.
Sunny raised his head from his hands. He wiped the tears from his functional eye, resolving to keep a stiff upper lip for the rest of the day. Once he got home, he could cry in Basil's arms.
As luck would have it, work ended early that day.
On his way home, he realized that Basil still had classes in the afternoon. He decided to take a detour to the music building, just to listen to the musicians practice, or to visit the cafeteria.
***
"And that's how you calculate the fixation of this allele."
"Thanks a lot!" Basil replied to his TA.
Basil packed up his notes and worksheets and left the tutorial room.
He wished his head was a bit more focused on his work and his courses. He wished he could remember how to do these calculations during a quiz, but his brain seemed to prefer glowing images of Sunny and his very sunny hair instead.
Sunny is a...sunflower.
Images like that filled his head with rainbows in the middle of his tests. Not the most ideal time to put on rose tinted glasses.
Of course, sunflowers needed water and adequate maintenance. That's why Basil always rushed home after his classes, to comfort Sunny in case he was sitting with his head buried in his arms again, crying about a line he made the character based on Mari say in his webcomic.
Basil faulted himself for that. He faulted himself for doing such a terrible thing to the person twelve year old Sunny had loved the most in his life.
I'm always worried that Sunny is going to do something drastic, but I know that he actually has a very strong heart.
He's much stronger than I am, most of the time...
As Basil returned from campus to the apartment that he and Sunny rented nearby, he opened the door to find Sunny sitting on the bed with a very strange expression on his face.
Basil couldn't quite tell what that expression was. He seemed a little confused, and almost amused. A caustic smile.
"Sunny?" Basil spoke, rushing to his side. "Did anything happen today?"
"Yeah. I talked to Sarah at the cafeteria," Sunny replied. "And I found out who she was talking to the other day when you saw her."
"Who?"
"It's the conductor of the city orchestra. He hired her to be a concert pianist," Sunny replied. "You might also know him as my dad."
Basil blinked unstoppably.
"Yeah," Sunny said. "I wasn't prepared for that either."
"Doesn't your dad have black hair?" Basil said. "That guy I saw Sarah talking to the other day had brown hair!"
"New city, new hair, I guess," Sunny replied knowingly.
That's one way of shedding his past.
***
"I despise that man," Sunny grumbled.
Almost as much as I used to despise myself.
The news that Sunny's dad was in town brought a wave of miserable memories back into Sunny's head. He used to hate himself the most, but since learning to move on, that title shifted to his dad.
Knowing that he's in this city.
Knowing that I could see him again at any moment walking down the street.
I can't take this!
In the weeks and months after the incident, his dad had handled Mari's death by becoming mad at everybody and everything around him. He ordered Sunny around like a slave, forcing him to do extra chores and extra homework. Something about having to "make up" for all the fooling around he did, so he could catch up with what Mari used to be. A student with amazing grades. But Sunny wasn't Mari, and it seemed that that mere fact would set his dad ablaze.
Dad argued with mom over the most trivial things, like how she misplaced the toothpaste in the bathroom or that she was letting Sunny stay in bed five minutes too long in the morning. Their arguments would escalate until chairs and furniture were thrown around the living room. The racket of smashed furniture and rage-fuelled words created such an unlivable chaos that Sunny had no choice but to retreat inside his own head, beginning the spiral of the next four years.
"Why did she do it? Why?" Sunny remembered dad saying. "Why did she take away my family's happiness?"
And one day, he took an axe and started chopping down the tree, screaming about how he had no son. Mom tried to stop him and calm him down, but he had threatened her with his axe. As she backed away in fear, he chopped the whole tree down, picked up a startled Mewo from her bed basket, and ran away. They never saw him again.
This was the first Sunny had heard of his dad since that day.
"I can't take this," Sunny admitted out loud. "But, at the same time, I ruined his life."
Basil looked at Sunny sadly. A teary blue light shone from his eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm at least half as responsible."
"Basil. If my dad knew that I was the one who killed Mari, he would've been way angrier at me. He might have hurt me. I'm not saying that what you did was right, but...you protected me from what he could have done."
"That doesn't make what I did any less messed up."
Sunny couldn't take seeing Basil's tears. He wrapped his arms around Basil and hugged him tight. With Basil's cheek pressed against his own, Sunny patted him gently on his back.
"Sunny," Basil spoke. "It feels wrong that I'm still lying to somebody."
"You mean...?"
"Well, I won't tell your dad the truth or anything. And if I ever see him around, I'll tell him to stay away from you," Basil said.
"You don't need to do that for me. I'll handle him myself."
A smile pierced through Basil's sadness. "Not alone you won't. I still remember how angry he was when he saw Mari's...body. I wouldn't want you to deal with that again."
Sunny also remembered, clearly. The rage on his father's face. His inconsolable screaming and crying.
The misery of his father in the days after the incident still colored him, still gave him awful memories that brought him back to the very reason he had gone down the hikikomori spiral in the first place. To escape from everything.
"Basil," Sunny spoke, his voice light. "Maybe we could try telling him the truth. He might've already figured it out anyway."
"I know I said I feel bad about lying, but if your dad presses charges, I'm not sure that the statute of limitations can protect us," Basil said.
The law course Basil took last year might be useful here.
"We'll see how receptive he is," Sunny said.
Sunny realized that this might become like the conflict between him and his mother again. And every time he thought back to how his mom had hired a detective to take him back, he just wanted to wrap his arms around Basil and promise that he'll never let go.
Whenever he embraced Basil, whenever he gazed at this kind boy with a pretty streak of black dye in his poofy golden hair and the most gorgeous smile in the world, he just wanted to smother him with love and kisses and affection. He was so lucky to be married to him, to be able to call Basil his husband. But, he also didn't want Basil to continue to suffer under guilt. He knew that to really love someone also meant granting them the freedom to face their most painful trials.
"If my dad seems like he's moved on, then we could try telling him the truth," Sunny suggested.
Basil suddenly put on a grouchy face. "We shouldn't rush this or even consider telling him the truth yet."
"But you'll feel bad."
"Then let me feel bad."
Sunny frowned as well. "You shouldn't let guilt eat away at you for too long."
Basil softened. "I know. But it's not that bad. I'm okay with how I feel right now."
Sunny smiled half-heartedly.
Basil smiled back, a smile that contained no false positivity at all (Sunny hoped).
"In any case, I do want to go see him," Sunny said. "I have to let him know how bad of a father he was."
Basil looked surprised at how Sunny just blurted that out.
"I made the first and worst mistake," Sunny went on self-deprecatingly. "I ruined everybody's lives. But that doesn't mean my dad should have abandoned me and mom. He...he was heartbroken. Still, Mari would have wanted him to stick with us through all the pain, without leaving me and mom."
Basil looked down at the slippers that they wore inside their shared apartment room. "But maybe he wasn't the best dad to have around, anyway."
"I know. That's why I have to tell him he's awful!"
"Let me come with you," Basil offered with a shy laugh.
"We'll face him together," Sunny said.
Basil nodded. Sunny wiped away the wet gleams from his eyes with kisses.
In spite of the confidence of his words, Sunny knew that meeting his dad again was going to be a full-on mental assault of dreadful feelings. He wanted to get in touch again with his therapist from the city, Ms. Sato, and decided to send her an email later that night.
Ms. Sato had assured him that his father was an awful person for abandoning him back when he needed parental support the most.
***
Basil studied for his organic chemistry midterm inside one of the college's music rooms. Sunny was here with him, doing the very important job of being a very nice piece of eye candy—uh, a very helpful source of motivation!
Every time Basil gazed at Sun-Sun's silky black-hair-dyed-blond, every time he locked eyes with the starlight gleam in the grey and dark pupils, Basil felt his face heating up with the sweetest embarrassment. His head became muddled by thoughts of kissing and heated affections. Forget the melting point of Benzoic acid; the melting point of Basil was Sunny degrees, and this room was approaching that hot temperature.
The songs played and sung by the music students in nearby rooms provided a pleasant soundtrack to this amorous study session.
"You're missing a two in the chemical formula here," Sunny pointed out to Basil, comparing Basil's answers to the real answers on the practice midterm.
Basil tore at his hair. "I'm never going to be ready for this midterm! I just can't remember the formulas for all these different reactions."
"I don't know how you managed to memorize even half of these," Sunny said.
"By spending many painful and sleepless nights."
Sunny reached towards Basil and pat him gently on the head. "Take it easy, okay? You did really well on this practice midterm."
"Sixty percent isn't what I'd consider really well."
"Come on, I wouldn't even be able to score ten percent no matter how hard I study. And don't they bell curve these midterms or something?"
Basil made a grumble. "Let me do another practice test."
The real reason that Sunny was here with Basil today was because he was planning to meet with Sarah. Last time they talked, Sunny had gotten her email address and now they spoke regularly. Sarah had enjoyed playing the duet with Sunny, and she was down to do more recording sessions—as soon as Sunny picked up the violin again and learned a few more songs, that is. In the meantime, her classes and her new job as the pianist of the city orchestra kept her busy.
Sunny had revealed to Sarah that the orchestra conductor was his estranged father whom he hadn't seen in about seven years. He kept the details of why his father had left his family slim, even going over with Basil about what he should and shouldn't reveal. There was no need to drag another person into the awful secret they had both created. He only told Sarah about his father in the first place because he wanted to ask her if there was a way for them to meet.
As luck would have it, a week later, Sarah replied with an email saying that they did have a chance to meet. Sarah was coming today to explain the arrangements.
"Hey, I recognize that piece," Sunny said as someone began playing the piano in the practice room right beside theirs.
"That sounds like a classical piece," Basil said, guessing purely based on the complicated melodies he heard. "I thought you were only into video game and anime piano music?"
"I've been listening to classical music so I could talk to Sarah about her orchestra practice," Sunny said. "She's just like Mari, you know. Always trying her hardest to learn to play really challenging pieces."
"What's this one?" Basil quizzed.
"Piano Concerto No. 1 in E Minor, by Frédéric Chopin," Sunny said. "Which, by the way, is what the city orchestra is playing next month at the performing arts theatre."
Basil understood what Sunny meant. "That's Sarah in the room next door, right?"
"Yup. Unless someone else is learning the exact same piece as her..."
"To be honest, that sounds exactly like Mari playing the piano," Basil said, listening closely to the music. "Her notes are so crisp and clear."
"Let's go see her," Sunny said. "I mean, if you're done studying everything and all..."
Truthfully, Basil would rather snap his notebook in half than do another organic chemistry practice midterm. He tossed all his study notes into his backpack and stood up from his seat. "Let's go."
"Okay."
They left their study room and waited for Sarah to take a break from practicing before knocking on her door. She opened the door almost as soon as they knocked.
Mari?
This wasn't the first time that Basil had seen Sarah. Yet he was still so stunned by her resemblance to Mari that he blinked several times to make sure his eyes weren't playing tricks on him.
Wow...
I heard there's a club at this school where people do this thing called 'cosplay', where they dress up as their favorite fictional characters.
If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought that Sarah is just a Mari cosplayer...
"Hey, Sunny," she spoke, even her voice sounding like what Mari might have been if she had aged another four years. Sarah looked behind Sunny towards Basil. "And this must be Basil."
"Hey, Sarah," Basil replied with a smile, wondering if she was going to spontaneously start talking about flower arrangements with him like Mari used to do.
"Guess this is the first time you two have met," Sunny said with an embarrassed smile.
Sarah looked at Sunny with a teasing demeanour. "He's the cute gardener boyfriend you love talking about so much, isn't he?"
Sunny's face turned as red as a fire hydrant.
Hearing the words "you love talking about so much" made Basil's head go faint. Just what in the world did he do to earn this much of Sunny's love?
To top things off, this was exactly the kind of teasing that Mari would have inflicted on Sunny if she found out that her little brother was dating his boy best friend.
Although, to be more accurate, they were married husbands. But Basil didn't care; just hearing the word boyfriends associating himself and Sunny was enough to remove the coherence from his brain's thoughts.
"Sarah...that's embarrassing," Sunny said once he managed to recover some semblance of composure (he was still tomato-tinted though).
"Oh, I'm sorry," Sarah replied. "I should get down to business. I've planned a way for you and your father to meet."
I'm gonna grill Sunny on this later!
What things about me does he talk to Sarah about?
Basil listened closely as Sarah and Sunny began discussing their plans.
"After the rehearsal, he'll leave through the concert hall's back door to go to the pizza café where he gets his usual dinner," Sarah explained. "You two will be sitting by his reserved seat. He's expecting two of his fans to be there to get his autograph. That's when you'll take off your sunglasses to reveal who you really are."
Sarah handed them a Paganini album recorded by Sunny's dad.
Sunny's face deadpanned. "Your plan is for us to pretend to want his autograph?"
"I tried other ways, honest! But the only thing he cares about enough to make him go off his rigid schedule are fans who will shower him with praise."
Sunny groaned. "At least now I know it's him for sure."