TW: pills
*
Sh- She's here?
Ren's here?
*
Kazuko wrapped up a pattern she'd been tapping on her notepad for the last thirty seconds, inhaling a deep sigh before she cleared her throat.
"You're quiet today, Katsuki? We're-" She glanced at her watch. "Eight minutes into our hour and you haven't said anything other than a bleak hello."
Bakugo didn't make eye contact with her. He stayed staring at the empty coffee table between her seat and the couch, barely shifting an eyebrow as acknowledgment.
"No wins this week?"
Silence.
"I like your haircut."
A single nod, eyes still fixed on the table.
"How's your work study going?"
Kazuko clicked her tongue softly out of frustration before she readjusted her glasses.
"Any fun summer plans?"
"It was Ren's birthday this week." He finally said as he glanced up at her. "I'm sorry I just, really don't feel like talking."
"If you didn't want to talk, wouldn't you have just cancelled?" Kazuko asked.
He shook his head. "That would've freaked my folks out too much."
"I don't want to pressure you but as long as you're here, don't you think it might be worth getting whatever's on your mind out?"
Bakugo swallowed.
"I guess I thought it would be over by now. Her being gone. I guess there was this part of me that thought she'd come home for her 18th birthday, you know? But now I- I don't know if she even made it to 18."
"What do you mean?"
He opened his mouth but the words caught in his throat. Tears pricked his eyes and his nose felt cold.
"Oh." Kazuko said quietly.
He sniffed, wiping at his eyes quickly.
"I can't help feeling it's my fault."
"Katsuki-"
"I know. I know what you're going to say but," He took a deep breath, trying his best to calm his nerves. "If this is reality, if this is just how things are now, not a day will go by where I won't wonder what would've happened if I'd just said it to her. If I'd had been stronger from the start. Not pussying out on dumb shit or important shit."
"I don't believe in retrospective thinking." Kazuko said as-matter-of-factly. "I think it's damaging and proves no worth if we can't learn from it but just this once I'll indulge you. Because I know what you want to say but after months of seeing me about this girl, you still haven't said it."
Kazuko placed her notepad beside her before she adjusted herself in her seat, moving to edge and leaning on her knees to intently stare at Bakugo.
"Fight through whatever it is that's stopping you. Whether it's pride or pain."
Bakugo gulped as he found himself scooting to the edge of his seat too.
"If you did see her, right now, what would you say? If you could tell her anything, what would it be?"
Bakugo gnawed at his bottom lip as he thought through every possible answer he could give. He took in a quick breath as he opened his mouth to speak.
*
Bakugo stretched his arms above his head as he yawned. The tension in his forearms and muscles sent off a few sparks in the palms of his hands, and he had to close his fingers to stop them from building.
"Hey! Watch it, kid." A voice called to Bakugo from the edge of the building. "You'll give our position away."
He glanced off the top of the skyscraper to the sidekick he'd been tagged with for the summer. Sasaru, who's quirk allowed his hands and feet to stick to any surface, stood horizontally against the wall. His arms were folded against his chest as he peered intently at the busy street below them. Bakugo rolled his eyes at being referred to as 'kid'. His superior having only just graduated from high school.
Sasaru went by 'The Wall-ker', which Bakugo thought was lame, and so he never used his hero name when others weren't around. He was taller than Bakugo and leaner, but his core strength was almost second to none after years of keeping his body steady on a horizontal plane. He had long black hair that he let fall around his face and sharp, catlike features. His dark uniform and ability suited night time patrols better and he was just as irritated as Bakugo to be out on a hot day.
"Give our position away to who, exactly?" Bakugo called back. "I can't help it. I'm drenched just standing in this heat."
The sun was low in the sky and yet the heat bit at Bakugo's skin like midday shine. He pulled at his tight tank top, trying to cool down but the breeze that blew through the buildings was warm and stuffy.
"Something could still happen." Sasaru turned and marched up the side of the building to the top next to Bakugo.
"Can't we clock off? Our shift was set to end nearly an hour ago."
"No can do, amigo. You know the drill, we have to debrief the patrol."
"Eventful patrol." Bakugo rolled his eyes. "I'll be sure to mention the part where the little girl dropped her ice cream and we used the company card to buy her a new one. Hero work at its best. I'll definitely be reflecting on it in my valedictory speech."
"The days not done till we see Hawks." Sasaru said as he reached into the small kit pack attached to his waist. "Here."
He threw a sleek and compact water bottle at Bakugo, who caught it with one hand.
"Thanks." Bakugo mumbled as he spun the cap open.
Sasaru stretched his arms above his head, lifting up to his toes as he let out a yawn to accompany his satisfactory full body stretch. He stepped up to the edge of the building, turning to face Bakugo as he locked his feet in to grip on the surface before he flopped backwards, dangling upside down off of the top.
"So, it's your last summer." He called to Bakugo.
"My last summer?" Bakugo called back. "Know something about my death that I don't?"
"I mean it's your last summer in high school."
"Oh. Yeah." Bakugo rolled his eyes before he took another drink.
"I remember my senior year summer." Sasaru sighed. "Feels like it was only yesterday..."
"That's cause it was a year ago." Bakugo flopped down to sit on the buildings edge.
"The parties, the adventures, the girls..." Sasaru reminisced, ignoring Bakugo's comment. "Be ready. Life changes when you leave school, kid."
"Good."
"Got any plans?"
"This."
"This?" Sasaru swung himself up and latched onto the edge of the building so he was staring at Bakugo again. "This is only like, three days and a couple nights a week. This is your summer, man. This is the kind of summer where people do things for the last time... Or the first..."
Bakugo rolled his eyes again at the way Sasaru was smugly staring at him.
"You know, if you just say the word I'll let you tag along to a party I have this weekend."
"I'm good. Thanks." Bakugo mumbled back as he resealed the bottle.
"C'mon, you could pass off as a college student from another school. I'm sure there's plenty of girls who'd take you for a spin."
"I have-" He swallowed uncomfortably. "A girlfriend... Kind of."
Sasaru furrowed his brow, raking through their conversations trying to remember any mention of a girlfriend.
"Oh! You mean the girl who walked?" He asked with a quizzical head tilt.
"Please." Bakugo muttered through gritted teeth as he held the bottle out. "Don't make me unlatch you from this building."
Sasaru quirked a brow before he took the bottle and allowed himself to fall back and dangle upside down again. "Suit yourself."
They remained in uncomfortable silence for a few moments. The street noise from below travelled up the side of the building as another billow of the warm breeze blew past. Bakugo ran his fingers up and down his fresh fade, thankful he got a haircut in time for that summer's heatwave.
"Shouldn't we have heard something by now?" Bakugo asked. "Maybe he's gotten the only villainous action out today."
"Hmm. Or he fell asleep in a tree. Wouldn't put it past him." Sasaru called back and Bakugo snorted out a half chuckle in response. "Hold on."
Sasaru reached into his kit again, retrieving a pocket radio that blipped when he turned it on. The radio crackled before he spoke into it.
"Can I get an ETA on Hawks, please?"
The radio blipped again, crackling a few times before a response came through.
"Wall-ker, is that you and Dynamight on the corner of fifteen?"
Sasaru glanced down at the street far below them, barely making out the shape of winged person.
"Wings! We'll come down."
"Roger, roger."
Sasaru shoved his radio back into his pack. "Maybe they can relieve us of our duty."
"Thank fuck." Bakugo muttered as he stood up.
"Race you down?" Sasaru asked as slapped his hands against the wall, letting his feet unstick and dangle beneath him.
"I don't think it'll be a fair race." Bakugo smirked. "For you."
He let himself fall back off of the building, zooming past the plentiful and identical levels of windows as the wind whipped past his ears and through his hair. As he was close to reaching the bottom, he threw his arms forward, sending a series small blasts into the air to slow his propulsion down. He landed softly on the sidewalk next to Wings, smugly turning his head up to Sasaru who was still sliding down the building.
"Alright, alright. If you're both done showing off." Wings muttered as Sasaru slipped onto the concrete.
Wings was one of Hawks' top sidekicks. While their wings weren't as majestic or useful as his own, their scaly wings allowed them to traverse and fly through the city with immense speed.
"Lay it on me, Wings." Sasaru wiped his hands together. "Where's that oversized red chicken?"
"He's held up."
"No shit. Held up with what?"
Bakugo observed the area around him, already bored with the conversation. He brushed his fingers through his hair a few times before he kicked at the ground. Wings' words sounded like mumbles to Bakugo as he yawned again.
"That flame user from the League was spotted in the South West near the shopping district. That girl is with 'im."
Bakugo froze. Sasaru's eyes shot over to him immediately.
"That... Girl..?" Bakugo asked quietly.
"Oh shit..."
Wings spun around to face Bakugo.
"Sh-She's here?" Bakugo's throat ran dry and it felt almost useless to try and swallow. Sparks popped around his arms and into his hands. "Ren's here?"
Wings and Sasaru exchanged a glance, trying to decide who'd be best to grab onto him in the split second they had to make a decision. The sparks around Bakugo's arms ignited and he blasted up and back towards the South West of the city.
"Dynamight, NO!" Sasaru cried out, reaching into nothing as his subordinate rocketed away.
Wings went to launch after him but a scream and sounding of alarms in a building on the opposite corner caught both of their attention.
"Dammit! You and your big mouth!" Sasaru barked at Wings as they rushed across the street. He flicked his radio out of his small kit, sending an announcement out to anyone from their agency present in the city. "Hawks! Dynamight's headed for the league guy. He wants the girl! Do you copy?"
Bakugo dropped on top of one of the buildings, immediately sprinting and leaping over a narrow alley to the next building. His heart was pounding so rapidly in his chest it burned against his ribs. He had no thought to look back, to look around for anyone needing help or if Hawks or one of the sidekicks was near him. All he cared about was reaching the shopping district in the South West.
He flew across to another rooftop, weaving through a mass of hanging sheets before he dropped down to the next. His body was on fire in the uncomfortable afternoon heat and more sweat than he'd ever need clung to his clothes and rolled off skin. Bakugo sent of a series of quick blasts to propel onto the next, much taller building.
As he leapt from building to building, flying over populated streets and dark alleyways, he thought back to his last session with Kazuko; her words and his answer playing over in his head like a broken record.
"If you did see her, right now, what would you say? If you could tell her anything right now, what would it be?"
"I wish I could say that I would ask her why. Or that I would lose it. That I'd go into extreme detail of how I've felt for the last few months, how she's made me feel. I wish I could say that I would tell her how I haven't been sleeping or when I do sleep it's a nightmare."
Bakugo paused at the top of a building on the edge of the South West's shopping district. He took a moment to catch his breath, glancing down at the colourful and densely populated square below. He knew she might be around here somewhere, but he hadn't thought much further than that, and now that he was there he didn't know where to look first. He dropped down to the shorter line of retail buildings, letting his eyes trace over every person as he jogged along the rooftops and ducked his head into alleys between the buildings.
"I wish I could say I would tell her I haven't spoken to any of my friends about anything other than school for months. I wish I could say that... I'm angry. And I'm hurt. And out of everything that's happened to us, all of the hurt I caused her and she caused me this is by far the worst."
A flash of a figure with blonde hair tucking around a corner at the end of the district caught his eye and he quickly dropped down to the street level to follow them. He weaved his way through the thinning crowds, rounding the same corner and scanning between the buildings for another sign.
"I wish I could say that she made me hate her. Because I've become a version of myself that I hate."
The street was starkly quiet in comparison to the one he'd just exited. Cars lined the road on either side and any pedestrians that did walk past were headed to where he'd come from. There was no sign of the blonde figure and Bakugo began to wonder if he'd manifested her image. He ran his hands through his hair, his burning heart rate hadn't slowed for a second.
There were too many options for him to pick, too many possible places the figure may have gone. He began walking on the left side of the street, ducking his head into any doorway or alley he could on the off chance they'd be there until something, a stirring in his stomach told him to try the middle laneway on the other side of the street.
"But you wouldn't say any of that, would you?"
Bakugo turned into the narrow and dark laneway, freezing at the entrance.
"Of course not."
She stood with her back against the wall on the left until she noticed he'd appeared at the entrance to the laneway.
"So, what would you really say?"
Ren's once long and bouncy curly blonde hair fell short and messy above her shoulders. Her eyes, outlined with dark and smudgy eyeliner, had paled and lost all spark. Her skin paler too and almost lifeless. Her lips parted as she took a step towards him.
Bakugo swallowed, or at least tried to. The muscles in his throat seized up and refused to let him gulp down the dryness sitting on his tongue.
"Come home." Bakugo whispered.
She inhaled sharply as she opened her mouth to speak.
Suddenly, a wave of bright blue flame filled the laneway and came roaring towards Bakugo. He barely had time to cover his face as the plumes made contact with his drenched tank top.
"Shit!"
The heat on contact with his top exploded against his chest and Bakugo was thrown backwards into one of the cars parked on the side of the street. The few pedestrians in the area ran screaming as his body collided with the car, immediately setting off the alarm and smashing glass onto the sidewalk.
Bakugo stumbled out of the dent he left him the side of the car, wiping shards of glass and what used to be his tank top from his shoulders. He dropped to his knees against the pavement, trying to see through the dying flames and thick cloud of smoke coming from the laneway. His back disagreed with the idea of getting back up but he forced himself to his feet anyway.
"Dynamight!"
The car alarm continued to blare behind him, and in the distance he could hear sirens approaching too. He limped into the laneway, falling against the right wall and coughing on the thick smoke from burning trash. Bakugo lifted his right arm, sending out a quick but strong blast to clear the smoke from the laneway.
It was empty.
"Hey! Kid, you alright?!" A pair of hands pulled at his shoulders, and Bakugo found himself face to face with Hawks and his concerned furrowed eyebrows.
Bakugo glanced to the side, the laneway was still completely empty aside from the piles of smoking trash and ash.
"Look at me, Dynamight." Hawks said commandingly. His eyes glazed over to Hawks, who's movements seemed slow and delayed. "Your head is bleeding, we need to get you medical attention. Kid, you copy?"
"Kid..?"
"Bakugo?"
*
Bakugo burst through his front door with his shoes half slipped off and bag falling off of his shoulder. He heard his parents scrambling to the entrance from the living room but by the time they arrived he was already halfway up the stairs.
"Katsuki?!" His mother called up, hastening up the stairs after him. "Katsuki, what happened?"
He paused at the top of the stairs, turning to the concerned faces of his parents. Now that he was 18, the agency was no longer under any obligation to contact his parents if he was injured. And since he specifically asked them not to, the two of them had been waiting up for him to get home.
It wasn't out of the ordinary for him to get home late and mildly injured that summer from his work study, but this was by far the latest and his injuries were certainly the most severe they'd seen.
"Nothing happened." He spat out between gritted teeth.
"Kats-"
"I'm fine. Sorry I didn't call." He muttered as he turned to head to his room.
Officially, nothing did happen. After he regained consciousness back at HQ, Hawks had let Bakugo know there would be no record of what he thought he saw that day. Apparently, due to the high level of classification of Ren's case, unless there were multiple or at least a higher level witness, they couldn't be sure what Bakugo said had happened was real. Especially considering his personal connection to the case. Bakugo assumed the reality was it had something to do with too much paperwork and Hawks was lazy.
He closed his bedroom door and locked it, exhaling a deep sigh as he leant against the painted wood. The voice in his head repeating the same two words for hours piped up again.
She's alive.
He pushed himself off of the door, stumbling towards his window and closing it to let the artificial air cool his room. He pulled the blinds closed before he stepped into his bathroom to inspect the damage from that day.
She didn't say anything.
Bakugo shook his head to clear it as he stared at his reflection.
She barely moved.
He restrained from slamming his fist into the mirror and cutting himself up worse and instead flicked his shower on. Cool running water was enough to stop his invasive thoughts for a minute. A very short minute.
Bakugo leant against the wall of the shower, watching as dried clumps of blood came apart and dissolved in the stream around his feet that poured into the drain. He sighed as he felt his core temperature slowly start to return to normal until the cool water sent a chill up his spine.
She's alive, and didn't say anything.
He flicked the tap to steaming hot before he grabbed his shower gel, angrily squirting half of the bottle into his hands. His bathroom grew think with freshly scented steam and he let the hot water hit at his aching back for a few minutes until the heat became unbearable.
Bakugo hoped out of the shower, roughly drying his hair and angrily scraping the towel over his sore and cut up skin. He wiped his hand over his foggy mirror before he grabbed his toothbrush out of his toiletries bag.
You didn't say it, again.
He squeezed the toothpaste too hard and big glob spat out.
You told your father.
Bakugo raked his toothbrush over his teeth, repeatedly telling himself to shut the hell up. He choked on a bubble of toothpaste that made him gag and spit the foam into his sink. He groaned harshly with his face in the sink before he rinsed off his toothbrush.
You even told Kazuko.
He shoved his toothbrush into the toiletries bag, knocking it over and causing the contents to spill out onto his bathroom counter. The little orange pill bottle, still full of untouched sleeping pills rolled out and tapped against the sink. He stared the bottle down.
But you still didn't tell her.
Bakugo grabbed the little bottle. Muttering nonsensical abuse at his inner monologue as he walked back into his bedroom. He sat on the edge of his bed, twirling the bottle about in his hands a couple of times before he read the instructions and warning on the back.
Take one pill at least an hour before bed. No more than two. If reaction occurs cease use and seek medical attention.
He popped the cap and dropped a single white tablet onto the palm of his hand. It was small enough to swallow dry but the powdery taste still made him gag a little as it went down his throat. He placed the bottle on his bedside table before he slid into bed, trying to get comfortable without pressing on any of his fresh wounds and bruises.
You think a sleeping pill will wipe your memory? She didn't even say anything, my guy. If she wanted to come back, that was her chance.
Maybe she was scared. Maybe she thought I wouldn't forgive her.
Please. You think she doesn't know you better than that?
An hour of non-stop self critiquing and flashes of Ren's blank stare later, he was still awake. Like, wide-awake. He sighed and grabbed the little bottle again. Bakugo popped another white tablet into the palm of his hand, gulped it down dry and gagged a little less than the first time before he re-tucked himself into bed, this time playing some soothing music on his phone to help him relax and block out the voice in his head.
You would give up everything for that girl. You. The selfish Katsuki Bakugo.
"Placebo bullshit." He muttered after another hour.
Bakugo angrily popped the lid off of the bottle and poured the tablets into his palm. He tipped them back in until four remained, which he popped into his mouth to swallow dry as well. When only one went down, he groaned as he trudged to his bathroom to get water.
Because you're in love.
Regret washed over him when he walked back into his bedroom. All six pills seemed to hit at once as his room slowly melted to the right
"Oh shiiiiiiit." Bakugo mumbled. Maybe in his head or out loud, he couldn't tell.
He swayed to the left to counter the floor floating to the right so he could get to his bed. A piece of furniture knocked into his hip but when he looked around there was nothing near him. He must've made it back to his bed because his head landed on something soft and he felt warm and comfortable.
Comfortable enough to fall asleep without fear of the voice bothering him. Or Ren's silence. Or the nightmares that never ended. Instead he dreamed.
A good dream.
A dream where Ren walked towards him in a field of never ending green, not away in darkness A dream where her skin glowed like it used to, where her hair flowed and glistened in the sunlight, where her eyes reflected the fire of her spirit. He liked this dream, it was so warm.
Ren stopped as she reached him, placing her hand on his cheek and letting him sink into her touch.
"Katsuki?" Ren asked, her voice sounding so distant even though she stood before him. "Katsuki, wake up."
"Why would I?" He asked as he placed his hand over hers. "You're here. You feel so real."
"Come on, wake up!" Ren sounded like she was yelling but in front of him she was calm, smiling, pulling him into a warm hug.
"No, let me have this. Let me hold you. You're so warm, your skin is so warm."
"What did you do? How many of these did you take?!" Ren's hug shifted, her hands moved from his cheeks and to his chest, wrapping around to his back as he felt himself being lifted from the field and into the sky.
"Where are we going?" Bakugo asked as the field of green below them grew smaller. "Are you leaving me?!"
"Work with me here, baby." Ren's voice echoed all around him in the sky.
The warmth he felt dissipated, and a cold, hard surface hit at his hands and knees.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but we have to, okay?!" Ren's voice echoed in the sky again.
He coughed, choking and gagging on an invasion in his body until his stomach lurched. The bright blue sky filled with warm sunshine grew dark and the ever green field disappeared.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Katsuki. I know it feels awful, I know."
Bakugo felt the contents of his stomach empty as he lurched forward. He gripped onto Ren's arm, only it wasn't Ren's arm, it was the edge of the toilet seat. He felt himself fall backwards but something pushed him forwards.
"Not yet, you're almost there." She said as his head dipped into the the toilet bowl again, and again he felt his stomach contents exit his body.
Bakugo whimpered.
"It was a good dream."
"I know. I know, baby. Just a little more."
Bakugo folded over the toilet again, coughing into the bowl as the last remnants of stomach acid exited his body. He whimpered again, tearing up a little and hunching over pathetically.
"You got it. All of it. You did so good." Ren's voice said to him.
"You were so real. You held me." He mumbled as he rested his head onto the seat. "I never wanted to let you go. I never wanted you to let me go."
"I wish I never had to."
The cold was replaced by the sound of rain. Warm rain that soaked his clothing and hair. Bakugo turned his head to the cloudy sky, letting the warm rain wash over his face and clean away the grossness he felt from vomiting for the last ten minutes.
"Open your mouth." Ren said to him in the rain, and so he did, cleansing the foul acid in the back of his throat. "Spit." He did that as well.
Sunshine dried the rain from his skin when it stopped and he felt a fresh set of clothing fall onto him when the clouds cleared from the sky.
"You're probably gonna feel like shit when you wake up." Her voice said to him when he felt the soft coziness return.
"I don't want to wake up." Bakugo mumbled.
"I know. I know it was a good dream, but I couldn't go on if you didn't wake up."
"Do you miss me, Ren?" He asked as he tucked into his warmth, feeling Ren's hands on his cheeks again.
"More than anything."
"Kiss me."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"Not when you're like this, Katsuki."
"Then stay. Let me have this. Have you, please."
Bakugo wrapped his arms over her body and she tucked into his chest. The sky faded to darkness and what was left of the clouds and green fields disappeared. All that remained was their warm embrace, tucked in his soft bedding and nuzzled into the pillows.
So warm it almost felt real.
*
Bakugo awoke the next morning to the incessant grinding from his neighbour's weed-whacker. His head shot to his left as he felt around his bed next to him, hoping on the smallest hope that he wasn't alone. But of course he was, why wouldn't he be? He flopped back onto his pillow, pressing his hands against his sore eyes and exhaling his disappointment. It really had just been a dream.
Bakugo rolled out of bed, cursing loudly when his hip hit the floorboards and he bumped his arm against his bedside table. The orange pill bottle jiggled on the table until it lost balance, toppling and rolling over the edge of the bedside table and onto the floor.
He hoisted himself to his feet and stumbled to his open window that let in far too much light and noise for his aching head to deal with. As he shut his blinds, a memory from the night before flashed through his brain, making him pause and think back.
I definitely closed my window last night... And my blinds.
He glanced behind him at his door, still locked, so there was no way his mother could have come in to let nature into his room. His eyes trailed back over his room until they fell on the orange pill bottle that had rolled next to the bed.
Flashes of green fields ran through his mind, making him rub his eyes to clear the image. As he stepped over to the pill bottle, he remembered his room melting and he noticed his mouth and throat feeling disgustingly dry.
How many of these did I take?
He asked himself as he bent down to grab the bottle.
I think I remember taking two.
The bottle rattled differently in his palm as he lifted it from the floorboards. Instead of 24 little white tablets echoing against the plastic, a single larger feeling item clunked about inside the bottle. Bakugo furrowed his brow as he popped the lid and let whatever was inside slide out into the palm of his hand.
His already uncomfortably dry throat grew so tight he thought he might hurl. The 24 remaining white tablets had been replaced by the little clay whale shark that used to sit in the bottle of sand he purchased for Ren in Okinawa. Tears stung his tired eyes as his fingers closed over the small clay piece.
"I can't do this anymore." Bakugo muttered to no one. "I'm done."
He let his hands grow hot around the whale shark and little explosions popped inside his closed fist.
"I'm done being sad over you, Ren."
*