Mexico reminds Holi of LA. Strange thought, right? It's just that she had heard of so many beautiful stories of people getting married on Mexico's beautiful beaches and couples in love dancing the night away in brightly lit bars or families going on adventures within the Mexican boarders, making happy memories to last a lifetime...much like many people do in LA.
But to someone like Holi, that's all smoke and mirrors. She can feel the darkness descend on her as she crosses the Mexican border. It's the same darkness that hangs over Skid Row and Splitz Avenue. It's the type of darkness that rich people hide and pretend does not exist in their beautiful city or country. But for people like Holi, this darkness consumes you, clings to your skin, and eats at your soul until nothing is left.
It's silly and very stupid but Holi can't help the disappointment that creeps into the pit of her stomach when Chuck does not drive towards the beaches but rather towards the mountains. What was she expecting? Chuck to take her on a romantic weekend to a beach paradise? Besides, anywhere with Chuck would most certainly not be paradise.
She can't stop her smile though when she thinks of Austin, anywhere with him would be paradise. She can see it now - waking up in a big bed with a beautiful view of the sea just outside big doors leading onto a patio, a light breeze making soft white curtains billow softly, and Austin...Austin is in soft blue jeans sipping coffee as he stands on the patio while he looks out at the sea. She would trace the lines of his back with her eyes and Austin would feel her eyes on him and turn around slowly, flashing her a soft warm smile. Then he would walk up to her, cuddle her, and give her a sleepy soft kiss.
She sighs at her daydream and sinks into the chair a little, just the thought of Austin makes her go plaint. It feels so real when she lets her mind wander like this. She knows that until the day she dies she will daydream of Austin and then when death takes her she will wake up to find herself in that room on the beach with Austin in paradise.
She is snapped out of her paradise by Chuck's nasty spider-like fingers curling around her knee. If she still had her knife she would stab him again even if it meant nailing his hand to her knee. She hates him so much. She goes to jerk out of his hold but then remembers she has a part to play so while holding down her bile she laces her fingers with his as she closes her eyes and focuses on the image of Austin in her head...keep me safe, my love.
Not long later the car comes to a halt and Chuck jumps out. Holi watches him run around to her side and open the door then yank her out, "ta-da," he says and points to a building. Holi's heart drops right out of her body. She has heard of this place. It's half a ruin and the other half that is still standing is engorged with crack heads, junkies, prostitutes, drug dealers, and the lowest of the low. People die in there every day and the police will not bother stepping a foot in there because, as she has heard, once in - never out.
"Why are we here, Chuck?" Holi asks griping the car door. Chuck looks at her and lets out a shocked gasp, "well because this is home silly girl," he says and starts to pry her fingers from the door, "Chuck, I will never survive in there. If you take me in there I am as good as dead," Holi protests and tries to wriggle out of his grasp, but he holds on tightly, "that is the whole point, Holi," he says. Holi tries to push him away, "what? But why? I thought you wanted me by your side...you are going to kill me? No, Chuck - please," Holi can feel the panic vibrating through her body.
Chuck starts laughing, his laugh penetrates Holi's skin and hammers into her chest. Holi has never been one to beg and grovel, but with the desperation she feels now she knows she is not above it. "I am going to kill you, Holi. I am going to kill the Holi that is before me now," he says and starts tugging her towards the door, "this Holi is defiant and I can't trust this Holi. So I am going to kill her. Once she is dead a new Holi will awaken," he says and slams her face-first against the wall then whispers into her ear, "the new Holi will be addicted to me, the new Holi will be my Queen...a King needs a Queen he can trust," he spits into her ear.
He yanks her away from the wall and pulls her toward the black archway that serves as a door to the building. Holi's knees give out and she slumps down, "please don't do this, Chuck. Please, please," Holi chants as he continues to drag her towards the blackness, her desperation growing with every inch closer she gets to the archway.
She has one more fight left in her so she screams, kicks, and hits Chuck with all her might. Her arms sting when they come into contact with Chuck's lanky body and her thigh muscles stretch to the point of breaking as she tries to back peddle away from him. Chuck raises his fisted hand high and punches her hard then everything goes black.
Holi wakes up to someone caressing her face, it's soft and feels good on her hot skin. When she opens her eyes, the room is dark and she can just make out a figure not far from her face. She can't make out who it is because it's so dark, but they are caressing her so softly the person has to be good. Then they talk and her heart squeezes. Austin.
"Hello, baby," he says then comes closer so she can see him, "hello, baby," he says again. His smile is so sweet, so soft. Holi opens her mouth but nothing comes out. Austin then frowns, "where are you, baby?" he asks. She tries to answer him but again nothing comes out. Austin then glares at her and stands up, "why did you leave me?" he says his voice now cold. It breaks her heart, she sits up and reaches out for him but then he vanishes. Holi scrambles off the blankets she had been lying on and starts searching the darkroom for him but he is gone.
She falls back onto the blankets - he was just a figment of her imagination. She is losing her fucking mind. She tries to see his face in her mind again but she can't so she goes to pull her phone out of her pocket and sees that it's not there. Shit. She looks around the room again. The only light that comes into the room is from a small window, the room smells like urine and death. Depression seeps into her bones...this is her tomb.
After her eyes adjust to the darkness she walks around looking for a door. She finds one, but it is locked. Fuck. Then she sees her phone next to the door and is quick to bend down and grab it. She holds down the button on the side but nothing happens. She tries, again and again, but still nothing happens. "Please, just turn on for a second. Let me see his face one more time," she begs the cold metal and glass. She takes a deep breath and holds down the button once again.
She is watching the phone with such intensity that she gets a fright when it turns on and lights dance across the cracked and mangled screen. Chuck must have found it and tried to break it. He did a pretty good job because all she can see is one of Austin's eyes and part of his lower jaw. That's ok, it's ok - she will take anything she can get.
She feels tired and drained suddenly and her body is starting to get painful and itchy so she wanders back to the blanket on the floor and lies down. She does not take her eyes off the screen, off Austin. She does not know how long she lies there but her skin is starting to feel like it's on fire and she has a deep need for something growing in the pit of her stomach - she does not know what...but she needs it.
Suddenly Austin's eye is gone as her phone starts flashing and she can just make out the 'A' of Austin's name. He is trying to call her. She does not know why she does it, it will only serve to kill the last little bit of hope left in both of them but she taps the phone and answers his call.
"Austin."
"Baby. Holy shit. Baby!"
Holi wants to cry, she wants to tell him where she is, but she can't. He will never find this place and there is no point anyway - she will not exist if he ever does find her. She does not know what to say so she just listens. Hoping he will talk again so she can fall asleep to his voice.
"Holiday. Listen to me very carefully," he says sternly, "I am coming for you. I will never stop. Do you understand me. Stay on the line with me, baby. Just stay on the line," he says. Holi loves his voice it calms the ich in her skin so she listens harder even when sleep is pulling her away. She feels like she is floating, she can't understand his words now but she can hear him talking and that's all she needs right now.
Then she can hear someone talking behind him, Ren maybe and Holi thinks he says, "we got her," but she is not sure. Her skin is on fire again and that nasty ich is back. What is wrong with her? Then suddenly the phone is grabbed out of her hand and flung across the room. She lets out a sob as it connects with the wall and smashes to bits. No more Austin.
Chuck grabs her by the throat, pulls her up, and slams her against the wall, "your footballer can not save you, Holi," he snarls. Holi hates him so much. She never did anything to deserve the hatred he has slung her way. She never asked for any of this. Why could he not just have left her alone? Austin may not be able to save her but she lifts her head and smiles at Chuck when she thinks about how easy it would be for Austin to smash up Chuck if he was here. He would squash Chuck like a bug.
"Why the fuck are you smiling at me?" Chuck asks. Holi smiles wider, "you don't ever want to meet my footballer, Chuck," she says. Chuck squeezes her throat tighter, "and why is that, Holi?" he enquires, "because he would rip you apart, limb by fucking limb," she chokes out and then spits in Chuck's face.
Chuck lets go, taking a step back while Holi falls into a slumped mess on the floor, "good thing he will never find you here...we are lost to the world in here," he says and kneels in front of Holi who is now scratching at her skin. What is wrong with her, she needs something, she still does not know what, but she does know that if she does not get it soon she will die.
Chuck cocks his head, "how are you feeling, Holi? Your skin on fire? A little itchy?" he asks. Holi looks up at him, he has a smug smirk on his face. What has he done to her? "What the fuck did you do to me, Chuck?" she asks. Chuck smiles then lies down on his back on top of the blankets. "I simply started the process of making you my Queen. Making you addicted to me," he says then rolls onto his side and holds up a little bag with power in it.
"Chuck, you didn't!" Holi says not trying to hide her horror. Chuck laughs and dangles the bag in her face, "oh but I did, Holi. I very much did...look at your arm," he says. Holi looks down and sees a piece of material wrapped around the top of her arm; she had not even noticed it. Then she sees them...needle marks, three of them. "How could you?" Holi says, she can't hold back her tears, leaving her body to shake as she cries.
Chuck rolls off the blankets and pulls her into his arms, hugging her right and rocking her back and forth, "don't cry. This is all part of my plan. See with you in need of my service you will never leave my side. You will always need a high and I will always be able to provide that for you," he pulls her away, grabs her head in his hands and looks at her, "don't you understand my Queen, I did this for us. I did this so we can be together...forever," he says shaking her head with each word.
"But I don't want to be a meth head," Holi sobs out. Chuck laughs, "meth? Oh I would never have you on meth...bad for your teeth that stuff. I did not give you meth, Holi," he says sounding very pleased with himself. Holi frowns, her brain is slow, and she does not know what he means.
"Heroin," Chuck says and holds the bag up again. Holi should push him away and run. She should continue to beg him to leave him alone. Think of Bell, of Mac. She should try and get back to Austin. She should have punched Chuck in his fucking face back at the courthouse bathroom and told Austin what Chuck was up to. But here she is, frozen in place while she watches the bag of heroin in Chuck's hand. She can't tear her eyes away from the bag.
"You want this?" Chuck says and dangles the bag in front of Holi, "yes," she whispers out. Chuck smiles, "lie down then," he says. Holi moves to the blankets and lies down then stretches out her arm for Chuck. She watches him as he prepares the drug for her. She needs it, her skin won't stop until she gets it. Once ready Chuck turns to Holi and tightens the material on her arm until she can see one of the veins of her arm pop out.
"Ready?"
"Yes."
Chuck inserts the needle and Holi watches as the heroin disappears into her skin. She can feel the heroin as it mixes with her blood and is carried throughout her body, it's warm and nice. Wonderful. Then she sees him. Austin. He appears before her, he has a soft smile on his face, and those kind blue eyes are crinkled in the corners from his smile. He climbs onto the blankets with her and pulls her into his arms, holding her tight against his chest, the air around her is warm and cozy - then everything goes black.
Holi wakes with a start, Austin is gone and the room is back to being cold and damp. Of course, Austin is gone - he is now only a figment of her imagination and now something she can only see when the heroin is coursing through her body. She needs more, and not because her body is screaming for more but because she wants to be back in Austin's arms. Herion is now her only escape.
As if on cue the door opens and Chuck steps in. He cocks his head and smiles at Holi when he sees she is awake, "well, hello there. You have been out for ages. Glad you are back," he says. How long have they been here? Holi realizes that she has no idea how long she has been here. It could be just a few hours or weeks even, she has no concept of time.
She looks out the window, no sun or moon only a dark sky. Of course - even the moon has lost hope in her. There is nothing left. She feels Chuck sit down next to her and rest his hand on her leg so she turns her head to look at him. She hates him. "Is it time again?" he asks already taking a bag of heroin out and preparing it. Holi finds herself getting excited. It's done now...she is an addict and she belongs to Chuck. This is her life now.
"Do you understand why I am doing this? Why I have to do this, Holi?" he asks as she offers him her arm. Holi knows. He is making sure she is so addicted to the heroin that she will need Chuck and follow him around like a lost puppy hoping to get a quick fix every chance she gets. He has only just started, but he has well and truly killed the old Holi - she is nothing but a shadow...Chuck's shadow.
As the Heroin enters her body Austin appears. A soft smile and kind eyes, pulling her into his arms, keeping her safe and warm before the blackness takes her.
Holi wakes with a jump, all alone in a cold room. She lets out a sob, desperate for just one more second with Austin. She rolls over and sees Chuck lying next to her so she shakes him awake, "more," she says offering her arm. Chuck grins that slimy grin, but Holi does not care she needs to get back to Austin, she needs that heroin. Chuck injects her and Austin appears immediately, Holi melts into him before the blackness takes her again.
This cycle happens many, many times. She wakes, demands the heroin Chuck is quick to provide and then she melts back into Austin. She knows he is only alive in the darkest corners of her mind, he is an illusion. But she continues to pump her body full of heroin figuring she will either die or see Austin and right now both are acceptable options. Sometimes she is awake long enough to nibble at some food or sip some water.
Once she was alert enough to overhear Chuck talking to one of his men about expanding his business from just dealing in drugs to worse more grotesque types of crimes. Chuck will never stop, he will rip people's lives apart where ever he goes. Hopefully one day someone will have the backbone and the courage to end his destructive ways.
Today is no different from the others. Holi wakes up, sad that Austin is not real and desperate to get back into his arms and disappear from this cold dark room. Chuck is sitting next to her with a pathetic grin on his face and a syringe of heroin ready to go. Holi offers her arm, it's littered with puncture wounds from the needle.
"We are almost at the end now, Holi," Chuck says stroking her arm, "this is the intense stuff, hardcore," he pushes the needle into her arm and Holi watches it slowly disappear, "this stuff is different from the rest...you will be lucky if you survive and if you do survive then you will have proven you are worthy of being my Queen. If you die...then what a shame," he says.
Holi pulls her arm away from him, she tries to detest him and starts scratching at her skin. What has he done? She needs to get it out but it's pointless she can already feel it mixing with her blood and starting to swirl around in her body. She looks behind Chuck and sees Austin appear - at least she will have the image of him when she dies. She watches Austin's face waiting for him to smile and catch her with his kind blue eyes.
But he is not looking at her, his eyes are trained Chuck and his face is not smiling but rather set in a hard scowl and his eyes are that stormy grey color. Whatever drug Chuck has given her, Holi hates it, she wants the happy Austin. She watches as Austin grabs Chuck by his shoulders, lifts him above his head, and then hurls him across the room like a ragdoll. Holi watches Chuck fly across the room and then slam into the wall on the other side, making a horrible sound as he falls to the ground with a thud.
Austin stalks across the room and picks Chuck up by the neck slamming him into the wall - hard. He draws his hand back in a fist and slams into his side, Chuck screams in pain and Holi can hear his ribs cracking from where she is lying. Maybe this drug is not so bad, she is enjoying this hallucination, Chuck getting what he deserves is pure heaven. Austin pulls his fist all the way back again and punches Chuck twice in the face.
"You are fucking dead," he growls then yanks Chuck off the wall and hurls him at the open door. He lands with a thud in the doorway and at Ren's feet. Ren grabs him and pulls him up till they are face to face, "I have waited years for this you dirty motherfucker," he says. Then the three of them disappear through the door.
Holi strains to hear anything, it's quiet...too quiet and the drugs in Holi's system are making her tired, very tired so she relaxes her body and succumbs to the drugs, closing her eyes and letting the darkness take her.
She wakes, feeling very disorientated but Austin is above her, looking at her with a worried face. He is saying something but she can't hear him. She can feel him wrap her in something warm and then pick her up and hold her close to his chest as he starts moving. She closes her eyes again letting the darkness consume her.
She wakes up with the sun on her face. She can tell she is in a car with her body curled in Austin's lap. She shifts and looks up straight into Austin's face, he is watching her with worry. She lifts her hand and strokes his face, his beard is rough under her fingers but she loves the feeling. "Holiday?" he asks softly and Holi smiles before she lets her eyes close, falling back into the expected darkness.
She knows she is dead and Austin made sure to not let her stay in that place, he is taking her to paradise - she is sure of it.
Holi wakes.
She is lying on what is sure to be the softest bed, she looks down and sees that she is in a big bed with crisp white sheets. The light in the room is soft and comforting and she can hear the sea off in the distance so she sits up, ignoring how painful her body is. She can see the most beautiful view of the sea just outside big doors leading onto a patio, a light breeze making soft white curtains billow, and then as the curtain drops back she can see Austin and her heart beats a little faster. Austin in soft blue jeans standing on the patio and looking out at the sea.
Paradise.
She thinks she should be sad. Sad that she has died and woken up here in the afterlife...but she gets to be with Austin so she just can't find it in herself to be sad. The real Austin is with Mac and Bell, they will have a happy life and when it's Austin's time he will come here too. But for now, she will settle for this figment of her imagination of Austin.
She gets out of bed. Her legs are unsteady and jelly-like so she takes a moment to steady herself and then she is walking toward Austin. When she gets to him she reaches out and touches his back ever so lightly. Austin spins around quickly and looks at her with big eyes. He then dips down, grabs her waist, lifts her, and pulls her into his arms. Holi immediately wraps her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.
Austin is holding her so tightly it feels like he is about to crush her, but Holi does not tell him to ease up, she wants him to hold on to her so tightly. It makes this feel almost real like he is really here holding her. His face is buried into the crook of her neck and she is not sure but her neck feels wet.
She pulls back and takes his strong jaw in her hands forcing him to look at her. His face is smooth, with no frown and his mouth is set in a thin line - but his eyes are almost an icy blue and they are wet. He is crying. Holi coos softly at him and wipes his tears, "don't cry, my love," she pleads. Austin buries his head in the crook of her neck again and pulls her into him even tighter than before.
Then he walks them back to the bed. He places Holi down then crawls over her, slotting himself between her thighs, and lies on top of her like a hefty weighted blanket. It's comforting and soothing and Holi finds herself falling asleep. When she wakes again, Austin is still lying on top of her but he wakes up as soon as she shifts.
She wants to talk to him, ask him what going on but her body feels like it's on fire. Like there are a million ants under her skin and she can't focus on anything else. She pushes Austin off her and starts scratching at her skin, she needs to get them out. This is all wrong. She is supposed to be in paradise, but right now she feels like she is in hell.
Austin takes her wrists softly but his touch burns her and she crawls away from him. What is happening to her? Austin is looking at her with a worried face he then stands and walks over to the door, opening it slightly, "bring him in now, Ren," he says sadly then walks back over to the bed and sits down on the corner.
Holi's skin won't stop crawling but her pull to Austin is stronger and even though she knows his touch is going to feel like fire on her skin she does not care, she needs to touch him. She crawls over to him and then clampers into his arms. He wraps his arms around her but she can tell he is being careful not to hold her too tight. Her skin burns but she refuses to move.
"What's happening to me, Austin?" she whispers. Austin looks at her with pity in his eyes, "you are in detox, baby. We have to get those drugs out of you," he says softly. Panic rises up her spine. No. No, she needs the drugs. She wants the heroin. Austin is wrong to keep it from her, this has nothing to with him. Her mood shifts to anger and she wants to lash at him. But Chuck is not around so she has to convince Austin to get the heroin for her - she has no other choice.
"Ok, but can I have one more hit, just to stop the pain. I am in so much pain. Please."
"I am sorry, baby. No."
"Please. You don't understand, I need it. Please."
"No."
"Austin, you are not even real. This place is not even real."
"I can assure you that I am very real, baby," Austin says sternly. Holi goes to protest but then her body jerks and she feels like she is going to be sick. She looks at Austin with big eyes and as if he can foresee what's about to happen he picks her up and runs them to the bathroom, making it just in time for her to empty her guts into the toilet.
Once she is done she seems to get a second wind. She can stand on her own, even though her skin is still crawling. She balls her hands into little fists and stomps her foot like a toddler, "look at what you are doing to me, Austin. I need those drugs. Give them to me," she says as angrily as she can. Austin gives her a pointed look and shakes his head, "no," he says. Holi almost feels like she hates him...almost.
Ren then appears at the bathroom doorway, "we are ready, Austin," he says looking at Holi with a sad face. Holi frowns, ready for what? Austin moves closer to Holi and puts his hand out for her to take, "I can't give you heroin, Holiday. But I do have something that will help," he says. Holi will take anything right now to get the ants in her skin to stop crawling. She gives Austin her hand and he leads her back into the room.
A man is standing next to the bed with white surgical gloves on. When Holi gets close he smiles, "hi Holi, I am doctor Johnson," he says. He seems nice, but Holi does not trust him. "hi," she says softly, hiding behind Austin. The doctor smiles at her then picks up a syringe and shows it to her carefully. Holi looks at it, it's not brown like heroin but clear like water, "what is that?" she asks.
"Medication to help ween you off the heroin...help you get clean," he says. Holi does not want that, she wants the heroin. Her body starts throbbing at the thought of not getting heroin. She moves so she is even more hidden behind Austin and pushes her face in between his shoulder blades, "no, I don't want that," she says.
Austin turns around and takes her head gently in his hands, making her look at him, "I know you don't want to take it. I know you want the heroin. You have choices. One - you stay on heroin. I will stick around and support you because I promised I would always stick by you or two - you take this medication, you power through this detox and get clean then you get to have me...and Mac and Bell. But you have to be clean if you want Mac and Bell...they can not see you like this," Austin says his tone laced with hope.
Holi's body is screaming at her to take option one, Austin and heroin - that sounds like heaven. But who is she if she is not mother to Mac and Bell? What has she been fighting her whole life for? Holi is bigger than this. She does not want to go out like this. This is not the end of her story. She keeps her eyes trained on Austin then puts her arm out for the doctor, "option two," she whispers. Austin smiles softly then leans down and kisses her. She tries to concentrate on his lips while she feels the doctor gently taking her arm and injecting her.
She feels so tired and her skin stops itching. She wants to sleep. She pulls away from Austin who puts out his hand to steady her as she sways on her unsteady feet, "stay with me," she says, her words already slurring. Austin nods and helps her into the bed then crawls in after her. He pulls the blankets up around them and she turns around to face him.
Her eyes feel heavy and she feels the medication pull her under, "when I was high, it was you that I saw. You were my hallucination," she whispers as her eyes droop, "I am not a hallucination anymore, my love. I am here...I will always be here."