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"I wonder what it would be like to melt into your sweet arms and stay there for eternity."
- Christy Ann Martine
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Oli's POV
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Luna's sitting right next to me in the passenger seat, and yet I feel a world away from her right now. My eyes are completely focused on the road, but my mind is nowhere near it. I'm feeling so many things at once and I don't even know how to begin figuring out what they mean.
My best friend opened up a lot to me tonight. She confessed how much my leaving affected her and how much she's dealt with over the last few years. And how much of what she had to deal with was my fault.
She told me it wasn't. But it was. We both know it was. Even if I didn't intend to do so, I hurt her. Deeply and intensely. I can't change that. But I can try to undo it, try to mend that broken heart of hers. I just need her to give me her heart first, so that I have the chance to do so. Right now, even with how much she's opened up to me, her heart is still behind some strong, thick walls. I'm trying to break through them, but I'm worried it's breaking me in the process.
Quiet mumbled singing pulls me out of my thoughts. Luna's voice is soft as she absently mumbles the words to a song she used to love. I have a whole playlist filled with every song she's ever mentioned she likes. I put it on whenever I'm around her. I put it on when she's not around too, when I miss her the most. It makes me feel closer to her, somehow.
I glance to the side to get a glimpse of her. She's looking out the passenger window, so I can't really see her face. Her head's resting on the headrest, her legs pulled up to her chest. Her hair falls in loose waves around her.
I snap my eyes away quickly, not wanting to cause an accident by getting distracted from the road. Too bad there's the biggest distraction ever sitting right beside me. She's my motivation and distraction all at once.
Suddenly I feel eyes on me. It's a niggling feeling, crawling over my skin in goosebumps. I've never felt that way under anyone else's gaze, but hers. I glance over at her again, this time catching her eye.
"You want to park up somewhere and talk?" She asks softly, "Like we used to?"
I don't think twice before nodding. I would give her anything she asked for, no hesitation. I've just been driving around aimlessly up until now, the dark night and streetlights encasing us in our own secluded bubble. But now I know exactly where to go.
Within ten minutes, I've pulled up to the basketball courts we always used to go to. Sometimes, we would come here with the intention of practising, but instead we would end up sitting in my car and talking all day. Time passes differently when I'm with her.
The court is empty, as is the small parking lot. I swing into an empty parking space and put the car in park. I leave the engine running, knowing the heating system is keeping her warm.
"There are so many memories here," She murmurs after a moment of us sitting in a comfortable silence.
"Like the time Cory and I boosted you up to sit on the hoop and you got so scared-"
"I started crying," She finishes for me, wincing with embarrassment. "And it was my idea in the first place too. Not my brightest moment."
"You were just a kid," I chuckle, "When we finally got you down, you wouldn't let me go four hours afterwards."
She nods, "I made you carry me all afternoon until you had to go back home. Sorry about that."
I turn to look at her, a frown on my face. "Why are you sorry?"
She laughs, looking at me like I'm crazy. "You had to deal with that! I was a demanding little brat and you put up with my shít better than anyone I've ever known."
I shrug, "I've never seen it as having to put up with it. You think I minded carrying you around all day? My arms went numb by the time I finally put you down, and I was still reluctant to do so. I never wanted to let you go."
She frowns, "But you always seemed so... I don't know. Not quite reluctant, I guess. But you never seemed to really want to do that stuff."
"I did," I tell her lowly, "I really did, trust me. You thought you were a demanding brat?" I scoff, "If you hadn't been that way, I would have had to be. I loved that you needed me so much. Making you happy made me happy. Still does."
She visibly sucks in a breath, "Oh."
I turn to look back at the courts, unable to hold her turquoise gaze. The look in her eyes fills me with too much misplaced hope. "Yeah."
We're in a comfortable silence once more. As we sit there together, nothing but quiet music and our breathes filling the air between us, I find myself wanting her to crawl into my arms like she used to.
It's an abrupt thought - one I haven't had in a long while. Sure, I've thought about how I used to hold her and everything felt right, but I haven't such a strong urge like this in... years. Because it's weird to think that way about my best friend... my adult best friend. But I want that. I want to hold her more than anything. To feel her head on my chest and breathes on my neck and her arms curled around me, legs tucked up against her. She would fit against me just the way she used to. Despite us both being adults, I'm much taller and larger than her. She's about average height and she's got curves to spare, but even so, I completely dwarf her still.
I should not be thinking about her curves right now.
But it's hard not to. Not when I'm finally noticing them for the first time. Not when she's wearing skin-tight leggings that cling to her like a second skin. I should stop thinking these thoughts immediately.
"Do you miss those days?" Luna asks softly, breaking me from my thoughts. "Before you left for college?" She adds.
"Of course," I reply immediately, "The five years that I spent with you before I left were the best years of my life. I owe you everything, Little Luna. You completely shaped me into the person I am today. I miss being able to spend every second of every day with you, unapologetically."
She smiles, "It was easier, wasn't it?"
I nod, "It was. Back then, a scraped knee felt like the end of the world to you."
"It did," She agrees softly, "I would run to you crying at the drop of a hat - anything that even slightly went wrong, I always sought you out."
"I fúcking loved that, y'know?" I admit roughly, leaning my head back against the headrest of my seat and closing my eyes. "The way you always ran to me. I loved being your safe space. You would sit there and cry and I would hold you and... and I would say and do everything I could to stop those tears. I hated seeing you cry more than anything, but I loved being the one to wipe the tears away."
"I wasn't a burden?" She asks, her voice small.
"Never." I tell her honestly, my voice feeling like gravel.
"You are still my safe space, y'know?" Luna tells me quietly.
I open my eyes and look at her again. It almost hurts to do so - she's that fúcking pretty. "Not the way I used to be," I disagree, "You won't let me."
Her eyes narrow slightly, her defences going up. "I'm a grown woman, Oli. I can't just burst into tears of the slightest thing like I did when I was a kid. I've grown a thick skin. I can deal with my own problems."
I groan, throwing my head back again, "That's what you don't get, Luna. I know that. I know you are more than capable of taking care of yourself and solving your own problems. And you can do that around everyone else. But around me? Come on. I know everything there is to know about you. There's nothing you could say or do that would make me think of you any differently. You can burst into tears about nothing if you want to. I know you want to. Because I know you. And for the past God knows how many years, you haven't let yourself have that reassurance I know you need."
When I stop speaking, she says nothing. I'm scared to look at her, worried I've upset her by saying that. When I finally do turn my head, she's looking up at me with tear-filled eyes. The sight tugs my heart from my chest.
"I want to." She whispers. "You're right, I do. But... I don't know how to anymore, Oli. I- I haven't had that in so long that I've forgotten. I don't even remember what it's like to be held but I know that I crave it more than anything. But that's the kind of thing you crave from a partner at this age and I don't have that. Jackson is the only boyfriend I've ever had and that was a complete dead end. No guy I talk to ever asks me out, or if they do, the dates never go anywhere. I don't know if I'll ever get that, so don't- please don't make it seem like it's easy to have that, because it's not."
A partner. She wants that... with someone that's not me. Her words are like a sucker punch to the stomach. I understand what she's saying. But I want her to see that everything she's spoken about, I can give her. I would give her everything. God, just looking at her sitting there, all vulnerable with tears in her eyes makes me want to kiss her.
"I'm your best friend, Little One. I know you think that type of vulnerability should be reserved for a relationship, but that's the kind of vulnerability I crave from you." I admit.
Her eyes lock on mine and her lips trembles. "Oli... I'm scared to be that vulnerable around you, I- what if- I can't-" Her chest starts heaving with hurried breaths and the tears finally start to fall. "You're my best friend but I- I feel- You're just-"
"Hey, hey, hey," I quickly soothe, clicking my seatbelt off and leaning over the middle of the car to cup her face in my hands. "You're okay. Everything's alright, just breathe. Don't panic, okay? Just try and steady your breathing. Can you do that for me, hmm?"
Her breathes are still ragged, eyes wide as she stares up at me. "You- You- You're-"
"Shh," I quickly hush her, shaking my head, "It's alright. We don't have to keep talking about this if it upsets you. It's okay. Just keep breathing for me, alright? In and out."
My words seem to help, but she still looks panicked. I rack my brain, thinking of words to calm her. "That's it, you've got it. Just keep breathing. Slowly, in and out. Perfect. You're perfect. Everything's okay, Luna baby. I've got you."
Her lips part, her breathing slows and her eyes shine. She's staring up at me with this look and God, I've never wanted to kiss someone more in my life. To distract myself, I reach a hand down to unclip her seatbelt for her, so she doesn't feel as restrained or constricted, hoping that helps to calm her further.
"Can you... say that again?" She asks, her voice barely above a whisper.
I tilt my head, eyebrow furrowed. Curiosity fills me as I ask, "Say what again?"
"What you just called me. Can you call me that again?" Her voice is small, getting more and more hesitant as she has to explain herself.
Her words click in my brain and my lips curve up into a crooked, knowing smile. "Luna baby?"
The second I say those two words, her eyes fall closed and she hums softly, leaning into my hand that's still cupping her jaw. "Yeah,"
"I see," I murmur, brushing my thumb over her cheek, "You like it when I call you that, hmm?"
I'm crossing lines here and I know it. But it feels too good to stop. This type of affection coming from her... She's like a drug and I think I'm addicted.
"You hardly ever call me that," She whispers, "Feels special."
"It is special. Because you're special, aren't you, Luna baby?" I murmur, my eyes dancing across her features, "This is what I mean when I say I crave your vulnerability. This is all I need."
"What?" She asks softly, confusion pinching her brows.
"You. Looking at at me like you need me. Like you trust me. Letting me hold you, even if it's just like this." I explain, my voice rough.
She leans even further into my hold at my words, "We can't do this forever, Oli."
I know exactly what she means when she says that. We're dancing around the obvious shift in the way we look at each other. I know it's not one-sided - it can't be. Not after tonight. We can't keep avoiding the conversation that needs to be had. But I don't know what the result of that conversation will be - whether I'll lose her forever. So instead, I'll be selfish. I'll take as much of the love I can get from her before this all inevitably comes crashing down. Because it will. I know it will. Luna's my best friend and the one woman I can never have. I'm going to have to learn to live with that.
"I know." I murmur softly. Neither of us move for a few very long moments. I hold her head in my hand, her eyes closed and I just watch her. I marvel at every little detail of her, every crease in her skin and hair on her head.
Then suddenly her eyes flutter open. It all happens so fast, I barely even register what's happening. But suddenly she's sitting up and clambering over the middle console to sit herself in my lap. My brain short circuits and I don't even think - I just act. I reach down, pushing my seat back and reclining it so that she has space. I don't dare move as she rests her head in the crook of my neck, her arms folded up and palms flat on my chest.
It's been about eight years since I've held her like this. If I had to guess, I'd say the last time was probably when she was about sixteen. After that, the time we spent together was so sparse and she was older... She never let me hold her.
But finally, finally she's back in my arms, where she belongs.
"Fúck, I've missed you, Luna baby," I grumble, circling my arms around her back and holding her to me. I know this isn't going to last, and she's going to pull away from me and tell me she shouldn't do this, even though I want her to. So I'm going to savour this moment while I'm in it.
Feeling her completely pressed against me like this is a surreal feeling. We hug a lot, sure, but having her laying on top of me is different. Holding her weight against me feels like I have her finally, and I never want to let her go.
"We can't keep doing this, Oli." She tells me again and I resist the urge to groan.
"I know you think that, but just let me have this moment a little longer. Please," I practically beg her, "I need this."
She breathes a sigh against my neck that causes goosebumps to rise across my skin and a shiver to roll down my spine. Slowly, I let my hands trace up and down her back in a soothing motion. Her breathing steadies and I feel her completely relax in my arms.
My eyes close and I breath her in, wishing I could stay in this one moment for the rest of my life. If I died right now, I'd die a completely content, happy man. That thought shocks me only slightly, but I decide to think about what that means for me, tomorrow. Tonight, we're just Luna and Oli, like we used to be.
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A/N
Hello wonderful readers!
What do you think of this chapter? Any guesses about what will happen next?
Thank you so much for reading! Have a wonderful day, I love you!!!
~ Pink Flamingo