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TWENTY FIVE | I JUST FEEL YOU
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"CHRISTINE!"
As the double doors of the emergency room burst open, the hospital smell immediately hit Cassandra and brought chills into her body. It was the kind of smell that made the pain in her left side branch across their back like lightning, making her writhe and groan. Her flesh wound was still oozing blood and the entire left side of her body wore a purple-yellow smear of bruise. It hurt so bad she could hardly negotiate the raw landscape that strobed in and out of focus all around her. "Stephen..." she breathed out, gripping his hand for support.
"Dr. Christine Palmer! Where is she?" She then heard Stephen yell at one of the nurses as she was laid down on a hospital stretcher. Pushed by several nurses, and a recently arrived Christine Palmer, Cassandra flew through the medical center towards the doors to the operating room.
"Stephen! Oh, my god! What happened?"
"Penetrating anterior stab wound..." Stephen started explaining to Christine as they wheeled Cassandra inside the operating theatre.
The Guardian couldn't remember exactly how she and Stephen got to the hospital, but from what she could recall, they were both battling a freed magical beast and threw herself in front of Stephen when he was about to get stabbed by the poisonous tip of the beast's tail. Ten seconds passed, and then twenty and thirty, and finally the pain started to pull back like the tide going out. It left her fingers first, and then slowly worked its way up her chest.
"It's going to be okay, sweetheart. It's going to be okay. Just hold on, don't let go."
"Stephen, I'm sorry, you can't go inside." Cassandra caught sight of Christine blocking Stephen from entering.
"No, I - " Stephen protested, but then soon pleaded. "Please take care of her."
"I got her, Stephen. She's safe with me."
The woman kept her eyes closed, not because she didn't want to see where she was now, but she thought it would hurt too much to open them. Her head hurt too much. Her body hurt too much. It seemed that everything hurt too much. Cassandra then felt her body being lifted up and transferred to an operating theatre bed. Her vision blurred and a moment later, lost consciousness.
"We're losing her!"
Hours must have passed since then, but the moment she woke up, she was almost blinded by the bright daylight glaring from the window and the heavy pungent scent of hospital disinfectant invaded her nostrils. The room she was in was silent apart from her heavy breathing and the beep beep sound coming from the heart monitor. Cassandra squinted her eyes in an attempt to sharpen the blurred images before her. She glanced around and took in the deserted, blue and white colour schemed hospital bedroom. She furrowed her eyebrows, trying to remember what exactly happened. Then it all hits her with a bang, the memory of it all occupying her thoughts.
"Right," she moaned, grinding her teeth. "I was stabbed and I almost died." She chuckled. "Cool."
"Cassandra?"
The woman lifted her head and smiled when she saw Moon-Young standing by the door. "Hello!" She greeted, cheerfully waving her hand as if she was not hovering between life and death hours ago. "Where's Jae-Hyuk?"
The girl immediately ran outside the room, shouting, "Stephen! Jae-Hyuk! Cassandra's awake!"
Approaching footsteps then clip-clopped down the bleached tile hallway and soon, Jae-Hyuk and Stephen came in rushing inside. Relief washed all over her partner's face and within two long strides, he reached her and held her hand in his. "I thought I lost you." He murmured, shutting his eyes. "Do you know how much we worried about you?"
"Yeah, I know - "
"Why did you even do that?"
"What?"
"Why did you throw yourself in front of me and let yourself get stabbed?"
Cassandra crossed her eyebrows. "I thought you already knew why."
At this, Moon-Young spoke up, grabbing her twin brother's hand. "Okay, alright," she awkwardly laughed. "We're just going to go outside and give you some time to talk. Jae-Hyuk, let's leave."
Jae-Hyuk complained as Moon-Young dragged him outside, "But, I haven't finished eating my doughnut!"
Cassandra released a sigh as soon as the twins stepped outside. "I already told you about this, Stephen. As your Guardian - "
"You almost died yesterday, Cassandra!" Stephen argued, not giving the matter up easily. This was the first time she had seen him so frustrated, so exhausted that she wondered if he had been crying. His eyes sunk deep into their sockets and there were visible dark circles beneath. She was certain he didn't get any sleep ever since her operation.
She arched her eyebrow. "Dying for you is part of the job description."
"No - "
"Look," she raised her hand, clearing her throat. "this is what I signed up for. This has always been the case for me and I have accepted that."
Ever since she took the oath of being the next Sorcerer Supreme's Guardian, she already welcomed the thought of her dying anytime, anywhere. It was inevitable. She was the Guardian and that means to hell with whatever happens to her as long as Stephen was safe. "So, what? You're just going to accept that? How could you be so callous about this? Do you not care for your own life? What about what I am going to feel if you die?"
Cassandra swallowed. This was one of the reasons why she didn't want to be with Stephen, why she first pushed him away. They each had duties to fulfill and this love they had was going to override it. It was dangerous. They might one day choose to save each other instead of others.
"You could've said, you - you won't lose me." Stephen turned away from her, his expression pained. She didn't like it when he was worried about her because that was her duty, to worry about him, to put him above herself. "But no, you have to just say it like dying is nothing."
"Look, I'm tired." The brunette shook her head, brushing the conversation off. "I just got stitched up and I want to sleep. Let's talk tomorrow."
But, tomorrow turned into weeks.
She avoided talking about the topic as much as she could and instead conversed with Moon-Young and Jae-Hyuk about their academics and their progress in studying the mystic arts. Wong and her mother often visited to check how she was doing. They told her to just rest and not fret about her students as they handled her classes for now. Stephen would let her be, she noticed. He would just take care of her by helping her eat properly and sleep by her side. He was there during her physiotherapy and injection shots, staying silent about the topic, never bringing it up.
"And you can now be discharged today, Cassandra." Dr. Christine Palmer reported, closing her chart.
"Thank you for saving my life, Dr. Palmer."
"Oh, no problem, and please call me Christine. Let's be friends." She smiled, signing the bottom of her chart with her pen. "So, how are you and Stephen? Is he good to you? Or is he being a pain in the ass?"
Cassandra sighed. "He's always a pain in the ass, but..." she looked out the window, the brightness of the dayshine, its boldness that lifted her spirits. "He's a pain I will gladly endure."
Christine chortled. "I'm sorry, it's just that my mind thought differently and..."
The woman blinked twice before finally figuring out what she meant. "Christine!"
"I know, I know! You meant well, but my mind just went to the gutter..." she pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head. "I blame my lack of sleep for this, I swear." She scratched her nape before slowly walking away. "Well, Cass - is it okay if I call you that?"
Cassandra nodded.
"Great. So, I have to go. I still have a couple of patients to check up on. I'll see you around, yeah? Let's have some coffee when you're free."
"Sure, Christine."
At that moment, Stephen stepped foot inside her room. She watched him move, there was something of the warrior in him combined with a gentleness that made her heart reach out. He put the engine together like he'd been doing it all his life, every movement competent and flowing. He took her hand in his, letting his warm palm cover the entirety of her hand. "Cassie..."
She let her fingertips brush the scars that marred his skin. His hands were enough to be her medication, her heart's melody and her salvation. How was it even possible? To love a person as if they were the last of mankind. To be around Stephen was like finally not being alone - as if all her life she had been isolated, in a windowless room, in a doorless room and then suddenly he walked in as if strolling over a summer meadow. She had been trained almost half of her life to be merciless to those who would harm Stephen and lay down her life for him if she had to, but the more she spent time with him, she felt as if she just wanted to throw it all away. She didn't want to die as long as he was alive. She wanted to be with him until death finally called them.
"You die, I die, Stephen."
The woman decided to finally bring up the conversation she had been avoiding, sitting up. She heard a hitch in Stephen's breath, but she continued talking. "That's just it. When I took the oath to always serve and protect you, I already accepted that I might not be able to live a long life. That I might die anytime."
"Why can't you just give up your title?"
The woman dropped his hands, troubled by his question. "You want me to give it up just so I won't get hurt?" She expressed. "Understand this, Stephen. Whether I am your Guardian or your companion, I will still get hurt. I will still die, one way or another. I hope when that time comes, you will be able to accept, live with it."
"But - "
"No, I can't give it up. I don't want to. There's nothing you can do to change my mind so please, accept my decision."
She could tell he wanted to change her mind, argue with her about it more, but he nodded, yielding this time. In Cassandra's opinion, it will be futile to even attempt convincing her to step down as the Sorcerer Supreme's Guardian. She placed her hand on his cheek and he leant close to her touch as if he had been craving it all day.
"I will defend you with my life even if the odds are insurmountable." She expressed, pouring her heart out. I will comfort you in the difficult and painful times. I will dance and rejoice with you when times are good. I will never betray you, never give up on you. I will find my courage when you are threatened, and only do what is necessary to protect you. I will do all of this not because I am your Guardian, but because I love you, Stephen."
At this, he gently took her hand and sat down on the bed. His eyes looked so different in moments like these, more soft than she knew his eyes could be. The Sorcerer Supreme was gone and instead it is the eyes of the man who loved her entire soul. If it were anyone else Cassandra knew she would drop her gaze, but with him she drew in closer, always wanting more. He cupped her face in his hands while saying the words she needed to hear, "We'll get through this together. You and me until the end, right?"
She nodded, taking in their moment for her memory, knowing it was the medication she needed to survive in the years to come. In all the world there isn't another like him, or her for that matter; they were two souls who felt that in every reality, they were soulmates, eternal flames.
Cassandra brushed his hair back, mumbling, "Tell me what you feel, Stephen."
He smiled. "I just feel you, sweetheart. I just feel you."
And in that moment, she leant her forehead against his, remembering the oath she took many years ago, I will live to serve you, Sorcerer Supreme. Until the day I die, I will remain by your side. This is my duty, my oath, and I shall uphold it.
Oh, if only she knew that Stephen Strange was willing to do everything - even defy the very laws of nature, break an oath, and lie to her and everyone they knew just to keep her safe and alive.
THE ATTACK WAS swift and sudden that Cassandra was left stunned.
The woman stared down at the blade pierced in her. It felt cold, like an ice cube was held against his abdomen. She stumbled forward onto the blade, pulled out with violence. Then an intense tingle, like a severe electric shock, coursed through her whole body. She had been stabbed twice before, but never did they feel anything like this. Then, in came the heat, the temperature soaring. It hit her like a hand in the face.
Thanos then withdrew the sword, and she gasped, her eyes bulging in disbelief. From her open mouth came gurgling, sputtering sounds. She paused for a moment then staggered to a nearby boulder, clinging to it as if it was last hope. Dropping to her knees, then down onto her hands, she dragged herself about a body-length before finally stopping, sitting down to examine her wound. The deep inflamed gash in her abdomen oozed with blood and pain sheeted through her with a terrible intensity. She felt like she was being cornered and trapped, with nowhere to go. A familiar voice broke her from her reverie.
"Planner!" She heard Tony call her and within seconds, felt him clutch her close. "Jesus!"
With a spluttering gasp she collapsed in his arms and lay still. The stench of blood reached her as well and she immediately knew that her boss was injured as well. Cassandra coughed, closing her fists. There was just one question popping up in her mind.
What did I do to deserve this?
Perhaps, if she had stayed in her place, she wouldn't get stabbed by Thanos. She would be alright. She ground her teeth when she felt the familiar metallic taste of blood rising in her tongue. Did she regret what she did? No, she didn't. Cassandra knew she'd do it all over again, if given the chance.
Her eyes flickered to her partner who was on the verge of tears, trying desperately to hide it and keep his face straight and stern. Her world wheeled chaotically about when she realized Stephen already witnessed her death. Her insides dropped with disappointment and fear. He already knew about this. He already saw it coming. He had seen this ending, this future.
It was actually disorienting, like a foundation stone falling into the sea. Terror and a sense of relief at war, knowing it was going to be soon over, but the uncertainty of where to begin. Actually, Cassandra could just say where the Time Stone was and Thanos would surely spare her, but why would she do that?
"You both have my respect, Stark, Mason. When I'm done, half of humanity will still be alive." declared the Titan, cradling their heads before stepping back. Cassandra locked eyes with Tony then Stephen, nodding. It was time to accept that this was the end.
We did it to save everyone. Though no words came out of their lips, Tony and Cassandra knew these are the words they wanted to speak out. We tried.
"I hope they remember you."
The Guardian wanted to be beside Stephen as the warlord took a step back, raised his gauntlet to unleash the full power of the Stones and incinerate them to dust. But, she was too weak to move. As if to comfort the Avenger beside her, the exhausted woman gripped his hand and shut her eyes to wait for their doom. A sense of relief overcame her, knowing her suffering was coming to an end. Her pain would be over.
"Stop."
That voice. Cassandra knew that voice all too well. Stephen's voice was soft, almost fragile, as if it and his heart would break any minute. Perhaps, his heart was already broken.
His next words though weren't what she was expecting to hear. "Spare their lives... and I will give you the stone."
Cassandra hadn't realized she had been crying, so her voice cracked and caught in her throat. "No! Don't do it!" desperately cried the woman, groaning as every jostle sent ripples of pain through her abdomen, back and neck. "Stephen! Please! We swore to protect that stone!"
Thanos challenged, "No tricks."
The Guardian began clawing her way to reach the Sorcerer Supreme when he lifted his arm and pinched his fingers, revealing that the Time Stone was hidden in the sky, disguised as a star. Cassandra watched in horror as her partner offered the stone to save her and Stark. "No! Stop!" She hissed just as the hero behind her pulled her back.
"One to go." announced their enemy, inserting the stone in his golden gauntlet. A surge of power rose in him as if he had been charged with electricity. It pulsated through his very core and framework, sort of as if it's now the blood in his veins.
"Come on, planner." the billionaire scooted over to her, spraying nanites all over her wound, closing it. The vital crimson liquid stopped flowing out just as Thanos tore open a portal, finally departing to retrieve the last stone, leaving them all. That was when Peter Quill and Vesper jumped in to catch him, but failed. Thanos had already transported himself to where the Mind Stone currently was.
"Where is he?" was the first question that tumbled out of Star-Lord's lips as he got up on his feet. "Did we just lose?"
No one answered, their eyes blank and devoid of hope. She felt disconnected, not having the energy to respond to his question. She sniffled quietly, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. There was a thickness in her throat and Cassandra momentarily put her right hand above her now closed wound.
They just lost the battle.
Cassandra's lips trembled. Aren't heroes supposed to win against the villains? Every fantasy story out there always ended with the hero triumphant over his victory. The woman wiped her tears away with the back of her hand. This was the first time she had lost a fight.
If the heroes left on Earth fail to protect the Mind Stone from Thanos, then half of all life on Earth would cease to exist. Moon-Young, Jae-Hyuk, Wong, Stephen, Karl, her mother and even her might be included in those who will die.
"Why would you do that?" dispiritedly queried the man that had only half of his red and gold armor left to cover him.
Cassandra glanced at the supposed Mystical of Earth, not knowing whether to scream or gently ask him the same question. Why did he do it? Why did he surrender the stone? Didn't he say earlier that the stone is more important than them? Than her? Then, why did he ask Thanos to spare her and Tony in exchange for the stone?
"We're in the endgame now."
His answer was not quite what she expected. It was vague, not directly responding to the question. Did he already know they were going to lose? Was this part of a plan?
Cassandra pushed herself up, dragging herself to Stephen. The Sorcerer Supreme looked worn, appearing older as a result of the current situation. Yet, just as she was about to join him, she dropped to her knees, drained of all energy. Her eyes grew heavy from the strenuous effects of excessive agitation. Never had a few moments of deliberation seemed like an eternity as she felt her consciousness ebb away, and her thoughts, as clear and concise as they were mere moments ago, were coming to an end.
Was she dying?
Was this really the end?
Her heart raced as her chest tightened; it felt as if the center of her head was being pulled. A sound roared through her as her legs wobbled, and what looked like black clouds pressed their way into her vision. Halfway through her walk, she dropped to her knees, and was about to fall straight to the ground when she felt hands catch her upper body. Her head fell straight into the arms of her partner, Stephen.
"Stephen..."
Shining like the full moon under a starless sky were his eyes. Deep as the ocean, deep enough to fall in and drown. Whenever she looked into his eyes, she always imagined herself being in the eye of a storm, her heart a sea of calm inside a raging inferno, while all around her, the world shook at the might of the heavens. They were her home, her salvation, her safe place. It was always in his eyes that she found her inner peace. But right now, they were like falling stars that couldn't hold themselves up anymore. They were dim and tired, worn from regret like a painting that was chipping.
Was that regret? What was he regretting? Losing the fight against Thanos?
"I got you."
An assurance.
He helped her sit up and held her shoulders in place to steady her. "Why... why did you give up the Stone?" She softly queried, wanting to hear the reason. She hoped that it was just a trick, that he just fooled Thanos to make him stop. "Is it part of a plan? Is this part of the future where we won?"
"No."
The reply struck her heart, her entire being. This wasn't part of the plan. Stephen really surrendered the stone to save her and Tony.
"So, we lost?"
His silence was just what she needed to confirm that they were doomed.
An awful sense of powerlessness grew in her steadily, as though she were inhaling a great breath of air and was unable to stop. The horror became overwhelming, and from some hidden place in her mind she felt a darkness, something huge and unnameable, begin to form. It was like she was being shackled, being hammered on head with a hammer at the realization that they were going to die now. All the love and buzz and satisfactions of her life could not compensate for how everything was going to end.
This was the end.
She was going to die with Stephen.
That was good, right? At least, both of them will go.
Cassandra hung her head low as her body wracked with heaving sobs to the point choke on the air they inhale, like a child trying hard to hold back their tears. Her hands reached out to touch the face of the man in front of her. His stubble prickled her palm, but she didn't mind. She wanted to feel him as much as he can. She gazed back into the eyes of her beloved. Diamonds flashing in the moonlight, were the eyes that her lover had. The eyes that she shall never see again.
"Something's happening." announced Mantis to all of them as she was being steadied by Peter Quill.
"What is it?" questioned Vesper, holding her hands.
That's when her whole body turned into dust, her ashes carried by the wind. Cassandra gasped, her heart quickening its pace. She watched the blonde stumble back, appalled by the vanishing of their member.
"Quill?"
The next to go was Drax. They witnessed the process peel away his layers. All it took was a blink and he was gone from their sight.
"Sis?" Star-Lord staggered forward to his sister, slightly doubling over.
"Steady, Quill."
"No, no, no." started Vesper. She tightly grasped her brother's forearms, locking him in place as if it would stop him from fading.
"Oh, man."
And he disappeared.
"Peter? Peter! No!" The blonde woman swung her arms, trying to grab the burnt remnants of her sibling. "Fuck!"
Cassandra shut her eyes, bowing her head before returning to look at Stephen. She thought she had already accepted the possibility of this. The possibility of dying anytime. She thought she had already welcomed it into her life when she took the oath, but it was easier to say than really experience it. Nothing could really prepare anyoone for the time of their demise. Nothing.
"Stephen... I'm scared."
"It's going to be okay." He cradled her face in his hands, gently as if she was a fragile thing. "We're going to be okay. We'll get through this."
A promise.
"Together?" She asked, hopeful.
He didn't reply and instead gave her a burdened smile. A half-hearted one.
Her breath hitched in her throat and her chin wobbled, but she shook her head, attempting to be brave. She was brave, they were strong, they were going to get through this together. That was when she recalled the twins that were on their home planet, waiting for them. She dug her nails into her palm. Cassandra recalled that she wanted to adopt Moon-Young and Jae-Hyuk and give them English names.
"Megara and Theseus." confessed the brunette, sadly as if there was some thick syrup running through her veins, and those veins had little prickles that were bothered by the syrup. The thought of adopting the twins actually comforted her, put her at ease. It gave her courage to face the inevitable, the unknown. "Remember the night I told you that if we had any children, we'd name them Megara or Theseus? Megara because I like the Hercules animation, and Theseus, after my brother? Stephen, I know you don't like children, but..."
The Guardian's words trailed off when she heard the teenager declare, "Mr. Stark, I don't feel so good."
"You're all right."
"I don't... I don't... know what's happening." Peter staggered, collapsing on Tony and embracing him. He begged, his words haunting Tony and Cassandra. "I don't wanna go. I don't want to go, sir. Please. I don't want to go."
The two fell on the ground. "I'm sorry." said Peter just as he became one with the wind, departing from them.
"Tony?" called Stephen, his hands still cradling Cassandra's face. An ache pushed against her heart. She was on the verge of tears, but she fought to be strong for what was coming next. Their deaths. "There was no other way."
The Guardian clung to him - her only safe place - as the battle for her soul and sanity raged. They leant their foreheads against each other, as if Cassandra could harness strength from him. "You and me until the end, remember?" She inquired, finally accepting her demise.
He nodded.
A lie.
Stephen then pushed his forehead harder against her, clutching her face. "Tell me what you feel."
She swallowed, blinking back her tears and smiling. "I feel you, sweetheart. I just feel you. I love you."
Her last words to him.
Slowly, but surely, she felt his hands crumble to dust first. She closed her eyes, hoping she would not the pain of fading. Soon, she slightly swayed, no longer feeling the pressure of her beloved's body against her. A lump in her throat formed as she waited for her turn to disappear from existence.
She waited.
She waited.
She waited.
Why wasn't she fading to ashes? Why wasn't she feeling anything? Cassandra opened her eyes, turning her head towards the survivors: Tony, Vesper, and Nebula, confused that her heart clenched with dread.
What was happening?
Then, she realized.
"No, n-no, no..." stammered Cassandra, a brusque bolt of shock and horror shot up right through her as she realized she was among those who will live without their loved ones. A fist of panic squeezed her inside and she reached out to touch the ground where her partner once stood earlier. Overwhelmed by the heartbreak, she crumpled on the ground in a tousled heap as her grief poured out in a cascade of uncontainable tears.
"He did it."
Cassandra clenched her fists by her sides. Her entire body heaved and she now used one hand to grab onto her shirt. She heaved forward once more and cried out hysterically, "Don't abandon me!"
She continued to shake profusely, her eyes were blurry and heat consumed her. She felt completely helpless. But her voice quieted now, to just a whisper between heavy breathes and hot tears, "Stephen, please don't leave me."
It was helpless. Stephen Strange was already long gone.
Indeed, it is the greatest grief, to bear witness to your beloved being taken away by death...
... And being left behind.
and there it is, the end of act 2! so, how many of you expected cassie will be left behind? and how are you all feeling, btw? feels so good to finally reach half of this book! we have one more act left, we shall see who lived, and who died.
that wonderful sign off gif was made by my bestie shezzaspeare go show her some love!!
made by my wonderful bestie for life stvrange i'm in pain bc of these ^