NOTES:
HEEYYOOOO
So...I've no idea what's wrong with me. I've had this part written for about 3 weeks but I was trying to, y'know, finish the chapter....and I can't. I have no idea how to piece together the Baekhyun interaction so this is now a 3 part chapter. And this is super short aahbcjhcsh it's mere 1500 words for you I AM SO SORRYYYY :(
Anyway...enjoy!!!
Kunhang doesn't know when everything started going downhill. Maybe it was when Xuxi's eyes started to linger on his hips, on his collar bone and his ribs. When he stopped walking shirtless around the house and replaced his nudity with hoodies that were five times too big for him.
Perhaps it was when his cries started keeping them up at night. When his mind started drifting to places no one could reach. Or maybe it was all already lost when they started noticing these things. These little, tiny things that no one thought much of.
"He'll get better"- he had said to himself after a month of lingering eyes and covered flesh.
A month became four, four became six, six became eight and then a year...and then they almost lost Xuxi. To his own hands.
When Kunhang had still lived at home, he had seen the news after news of high-school kids that jumped off buildings and bridges because Chinese high school was just too hard. He had hurt for those, spilt a tear or two...and then kept scrolling to the next post.
But then the kid jumping off bridges was their Xuxi and he couldn't scroll past the post anymore.
Their Xuxi the one who whispered in the most broken, pained tone "I can't do this anymore gege".
(He hasn't called them 'gege' since that day- Kunhang notices as an afterthought.)
It was their Xuxi the one that had painted the ground beneath him red with his blood. It was his wrist the one Kunhang had applied pressure on, in the futile hopes of "Please come back Xuxi".
And so Xuxi wasn't a post he could scroll by, he wasn't even sure he could scroll without the fear of Xuxi disappearing. He kept his eyes glued to the taller boy, his hands clasped in his because if he let go, Xuxi could leave again.
And now Xuxi's gone. Not in the bleeding way, not in the forever way...at least that's what Kunhang was trying to convince himself of.
Gone nonetheless. There was a call to Kun's phone that he didn't answer and the blaming is back in full force, and as he runs through the streets of Seoul, he realises an interesting fact.
He's angry. Angrier than he's felt in months.
Not at Xuxi, never at Xuxi. Because he's seen the faraway look he gets in his eyes sometimes. When calling his name becomes futile and all he can do is sit by his side, and wait until Xuxi comes back from whatever world he's lost in.
So Kunhang's angry. Angry in the same way he blames.
He's angry and the haters and the fans, because while one dealt the damage the others didn't do anything to protect Xuxi, and Kunhang knows they could. They just didn't try.
He's angry at the members because they didn't notice. Because they didn't notice and when they did, they didn't do anything.
He's angry at himself because he didn't notice. He didn't try harder, and he should've tried harder. He noticed and he didn't do anything. Kunhang failed Xuxi.
He's angry at Kun, because he's the leader and the oldest, and he's supposed to be safe. He's supposed to protect them, and he failed.
Kun's supposed to pick up his stupid phone...and he failed.
Now tears are streaming down his face and he's pretty sure he should call his therapist but Xuxi is not here and if he doesn't find him soon he might-
Kunhang's phone rings. Once, twice. He answers.
"I'm okay," Xuxi's voice sounds through the speaker and Kunhang feels air rush past his lips in relief.
The boy can't hold back the sob that escapes him and for a second, all he can do is stand in the middle of the street and be grateful that there was no one to see his breakdown.
"I'm okay" Xuxi repeats. Kunhang takes comfort in the word, repeating them for himself over and over again until he starts to believe them.
"You're okay" he breathes when sobs stop wracking his body.
A low hum is all the answer he gets.
"Where are you?" He asks quietly.
"I-" he hears Xuxi stammer. There's a shuffling sound on the other end of the line before the boy speaks again, "The second dance studio...in the company"
Kunhang is filled with panic for a second. Xuxi in the dance studio meant, for the past year, that he was overworking himself. He turns around and starts jogging to the company again, a small cloud of panic colouring his thoughts.
"Kunhang," he had almost forgotten he was still on the phone with Xuxi, "I'm okay."
That makes Kunhang slow down. Breathing through his nose and trying to quench the panic in his mind.
"I'm with Baekhyun" relief rushes through Kunhang's body.
He clears his throat before speaking again.
"Why did you leave?" He asks, and perhaps it came out harsher than he intended. Kunhang winces the second the words leave his mouth.
"I- uh" he can practically feel the quick breaths coming out of the boy. He's been there to take Xuxi down from panic attacks way too often for him not to know.
He wishes he could be there to rub his knuckles and pet his hair until his heart stopped fighting against his ribs. Alas, he just walks faster.
"Xuxi," a hum is the only answer he receives, "I'm not angry, just want to know what happened, okay?"
There's a pregnant pause where Kunhang breaks into a light jog again.
"Okay," the sound is broken, weak.
"I Baekhyun with you?" He decides to ask. An attempt on taking Xuxi's mind away from whatever lies his brain has conjured.
"Uh, no. I left the room to talk to you," he makes a pause before speaking again "I don't know...why I left, I mean" and yeah, Kunhang suspected that, "Can't really remember how I got here, just- I don't know- it's blurry...sorry"
He expected this, so he just shakes his head and hums a negative. "No need to apologise, I had an idea this could've happened"
"You did?" The voice is small, childlike and Kunhang can't help but smile a little.
"Yeah," he says quietly, "You do this sometimes. Get lost in Xuxi World," this pulls out a slight chuckle from the other end.
There's silence as he walks down the street. And it's ridiculous really, they were just a door away from Xuxi. Had the boy knocked on the Studio 1 door instead of 2, all this could've been avoided.
He chuckles to himself.
Xuxi's voice comes through the line.
"I really scared you didn't I?" It's said in a whisper but it makes Kunhang stop in his tracks, "I mean," Xuxi continues, "not now, when-when I...yeah" Kunhang knows when he means.
He waits for a second.
He keeps walking.
"Yeah," he breathes.
"Sorry," is the answer.
Kunhang shakes his head. It's not Xuxi's fault. He's about to say this when the other beats him to it.
"You're okay?" And the irony of it all almost sends Kunhang laughing.
"I'm okay," he says.
"I'm-" now it's his turn to stammer, apparently, "I'm working with my therapist, and it's not too bad, just- you scared me today too," he says, "it's not your fault though, I understand" he's just around the corner of the company now, closer and closer to Xuxi.
"You're okay," Xuxi says and it almost makes Kunhang stop again. A smile breaks on his lips as he nods.
"I'm okay" he answers just as the company building appears.
Xuxi hums in response. Kunhang can practically see him; sitting with his knees against his chest and his chin resting on top of them. And if he walks a little faster, that's only for him to know.
Xuxi begins speaking again then, just as he's crossing the door.
"I'm going to be okay too" now Kunhang actually stops. The lady in the reception looks at him weirdly, but he can't help the huge smile that attacks his face.
"Yeah," he breathes, a couple tears travelling down his cheeks, "Yeah, you're going to be okay too"
He walks up the stairs with the sound of Xuxi's breaths in his ear. When he reaches the dance studios Xuxi is sitting on the floor in the same position Kunhang imagined him. The taller boy looks up at him, eyes unfocused and Kunhang knows he's not as present as when he called.
And that's okay.
Today's a spacey day, and that's okay. It's not...it isn't anyone's fault.
______________
It's thirty minutes and a panicked call later, that he remembers he never told the others he had found Xuxi.
Notes:
I hope you liked this really short chapter :(
(...I mean...since it's part 2, it's not short....hehe)
1. Any questions?
2. Recommendations? Criticism?
3. Anything you're excited for?
4. WHat did you think of Kunhang and Xuxi's conversation?
5. Did you like Kunhang's pov?
Come scream at me lol
Luv you beautiful human being 💜💜💜💜